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Author Topic: My Story S.T.R.E.S.S..: Someone Trying to Repair Every Situation Solo

N

Nas

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Last thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10679.150

Life doesn’t always go as planned, even when you spend most of it excessively and meticulously planning (...as a hyper-independent form of trauma response).
Someday, it will all be safe and secure. It will all be okay. (is this a statement or a question? TBD.)

Started today with a little meditation. And saw this affirmation for today that I thought I’d share to kick off a new thread:

I open to harmonious energy.
I deserve peace.
I attract calm vibrations into my life.
I focus on the things that I can control.
I let go of what is beyond my control.
I trust that all things will work out in my best interest.
I deserve peace, security and harmony.
I open to the blessings of the universe.

Happy Sunday, folks.




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Amen and all of those things will be drawn to you. :)
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Love this title! Welcome to your new thread.
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Hello,

Happy Sunday. I am also wishing you the 15 lbs I need to lose can go directly to you.

((((Hugs))) and enjoy the cheescake!

Ready
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

M
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Happy Sunday to you, Nas. Thanks for sharing the wise thoughts. For me especially: I focus on the things that I can control - I let go of what is beyond my control. It's a lesson I'm still working on. Wish I'd known this stuff years ago. So helpful to get a reminder.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Following along, Nas!   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

b
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Coming along on your journey Nas!
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

s
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Continuing on with you, Nas.
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

N

Nas

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Thanks all.
I have so many thoughts swirling in my mind but I’m too tired to parse them. So much to do. Time feels like it’s dragging but racing right past me at the same time  :o

More important than anything though, for anyone who needs it, here is the info on deadlines to request a mail in ballot in the US:

https://www.vote.org/absentee-ballot-deadlines/
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Thank for the info, Nas.

My ballots in the mail already. MN has early voting.   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Following along and the linking worked fine
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Nas,

Love the title! So much time wasted when it could be used more profitably on what we can control, namely, ourselves and our own responses to the adversities.

Wishing you peace, security and harmony!!
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M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Attaching
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

S
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  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Love the title so much that I am going to print it out and have it next to my phone/laptop/in the kitchen until it totally gets into my psyche!!!   
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

N

Nas

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Thanks, all.

Today’s affirmation:
My strength is greater than any struggle.
I was not made to give up.

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Attaching.   :)
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

K
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Thanks, all.

Today’s affirmation:
My strength is greater than any struggle.
I was not made to give up.

No you absolutely were not. I think you are pretty amazing. Great things are in store for you my friend.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

N

Nas

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Breathe: (verb) take air into the lungs and then expel it, especially as a regular physiological process.

It should be so easy. But it’s hard sometimes.

For anyone else having to remind themselves to stop and do something (breathe) that should just be happening normally with no effort, just know you’re not alone.

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Hello,

Quote
For anyone else having to remind themselves to stop and do something (breathe) that should just be happening normally with no effort, just know you’re not alone.

We brought students back for the first time today. I was a nervous wreck this morning till I read this. Everything went fine this morning.

Thanks and ((((Hugs))))

Ready
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

s
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Attaching
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

N

Nas

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Glad it helped, RTF. Keep breathing.

Today’s reminder:
I focus on what I can control instead of what I cannot.
The panic I feel is only temporary.
I am doing the best that I can.
I have been through difficult obstacles before and I have come out strong.

Also: Shut up, Fear, no one, asked your opinion!

We’re all okay. Just might take some extra effort.
Hope everyone is hanging in there!
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Nas

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A convo with someone today reminded me of one of my favorite, favorite books that I had forgotten about, and also a forgotten memory of how much this book helped me in the first 3-6 months after BD.  So I wanted to put it here before I forget, in case any newbies stumble into my thread:

Writing Down the Bones
by Natalie Goldberg

https://www.amazon.com/Writing-Down-Bones-Freeing-Writer/dp/161180308X

It's not about MLC at all.  But the writing exercises in it are great for MANY things, including sorting your thoughts (especially if you're just coming off a BD).
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L
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Attaching - wonderful recommendation, and I thank you for the affirmations along the way. They feel very relevant to the work I am doing right now.
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s
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I always thought breathing was something I did all the time. I mean, otherwise I would be dead right? But since I got my Apple Watch I learned that’s not true LOL as it often tells me to breath 😂
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

N

Nas

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LL, hope you like the book!
Sachat, it’s amazing, something like breathing that is supposed to be a given and yet sometimes it’s hard.

Words for today:

My limitless awareness overcomes all obstacles.

There is a way through every block. There is help and I am willing to ask for it. I can find hope in all things, for all things are part of my progress. Today I pay attention to the open doors, the new ideas, the support around me. I can find hope everywhere, and I'm free to explore each moment without anxiety.
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A
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You truly are an inspiration, Nas. 
(((((HUGS)))))
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My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

N

Nas

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You truly are an inspiration, Nas. 
(((((HUGS)))))

Well in all honesty I’m a little fraudulent - talking the talk but not yet really walking the walk.
But I’m inspired by others and hope to inspire others someday.
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Quote
The panic I feel is only temporary.
Well this inspired me to huff and puff towards making a difficult phone call yesterday....which actually turned out to be a good one with a really good outcome. So, frankly, you are inspiring enough for me lol x
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

s
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You truly are an inspiration, Nas. 
(((((HUGS)))))


FWIW, I think sometimes the saying “fake it till you make it” goes a long way. When I was a teen I did drama class and always got shy performing. However I was told “pretend your confident” and I soon started feeling it.

Well in all honesty I’m a little fraudulent - talking the talk but not yet really walking the walk.
But I’m inspired by others and hope to inspire others someday.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

N

Nas

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Today, for anyone else feeling like they’re in a losing race against time:

Don’t watch the clock;
Do what it does: Keep going.

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s
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I’ve only just realised clearly quoting doesn’t work on my phone as I did want to add in the end.

When I was in drama school I was told to fake it till I makes it. I was told to act confident and soon I would be and that sure as hell worked for me
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

N

Nas

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I think this pandemic is turning people crazy. People are fighting in the street. Yesterday I was in an unfamiliar area and some guy walked up to my drivers window and literally screamed in my face to move my car. Thank God I was wearing a mask because he wasn’t.

Just now I was in another unfamiliar area and got caught in some kind of active police situation going on in a condominium complex. A cop had to follow me to my car and escort me back to the main street. I’m still shaking. This world is going crazy. I guess my mantras are not working. 😞

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t
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Nas, (((HUGS)));

Sometimes when we are catching a really good wave of new positivity or competency, the universe — or *something* — will litter our paths with signals or obstacles that challenge our new/developing strength, as if to test or just ask, “You sure about that?”

The answer, with your new/developing awareness and aptitudes, is

YES. I AM.

;) You got this. I hope the weird eases off and away from you, and that you always are safe.

Good to see you; sending loves.
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Nas

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Thanks, Terra.
I’m still shaking like a leaf.
I was in shock at first but been shaking since the reality hit of what I just saw.
I had literally parked on a side street to take pictures of the exterior of the building. Walked around the corner and literally have never seen that many police cars in my life.
Holy crap, the world is going crazy.

And if this is the universe trying to throw obstacles in my way, it just needs to stop. I think it’s been doing that to me for the past few years and I’ve had quite enough of it. At what point do I prove myself enough that the universe stops putting obstacles in my way?
Ffs seriously, enough is enough already.
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M
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Nas, I'm sorry you had to stumble into this situation and that you are feeling so stressed and worked up. I can't blame you, though, how terrifying.

When I feel that there are demons set to fight against me, I tell myself that these people with their horrible reactions are not personally against me, they're against whoever were to be in that place at that time.

Nas, you are doing so well, and we are all really embracing all the information and wonderful quotes you are sharing. You are making so many of us feel stronger and more determined and awakened to embrace what we have and what we can control and what is good around us. That is such a gift to so many of us. Try to forget these negative occurrences, they are caused by people with bad energy. There are people like that everywhere. You are one of the good ones, and we appreciate you so much. Hope our positive energy can push away the bad one.

Hope you can get over this experience quickly. Hugs. x
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Nas

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Thanks, Milly. 🤗

Words for today, tomorrow, always:
Face the fear.
You are not alone.
You will survive.

I am really liking the idea of Barbie’s new discussion thread on Grace. Enjoyed reading the responses so far. I have some thoughts but at the moment cannot actually put coherent thoughts together. 🤦‍♀️ I hope that discussion keeps going and I’m really interested in seeing what everyone has to share on the topic.
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Nas

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Today I will breathe deeper.
Exhale slower.
Find the stillness within me.

*spoiler alert: I probably won’t. 😂 (I’ll try.)
But you should. 😉
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« Last Edit: October 15, 2020, 02:43:24 AM by Nas »

E
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Really enjoying this thread. Thanks Nas.
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

b
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Quote
Find the stillness within me.
.

Been a very long time since i have anything that feels like " stillness" inside.  I love the sound of it and still looking for it.  Nice thread  !
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

N

Nas

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Oh Barbie, I hear you.
Yesterday my precious first generation Fitbit died it’s final death. It literally got me through this pandemic. But I paced so much I actually walked my Fitbit to death. LOL
RiP Fitty. You were a great companion. 😂
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Nas

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Today’s reminders:
You are worthy
You are allowed to struggle
You deserve to take up space
You are allowed to speak
You don’t need permission to exist
You are not fundamentally flawed
You have the right to acknowledge your feelings without having to justify them.

Take what you need. ❤️
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Today’s reminders:
You are worthy
You are allowed to struggle
You deserve to take up space
You are allowed to speak
You don’t need permission to exist
You are not fundamentally flawed
You have the right to acknowledge your feelings without having to justify them.

Take what you need. ❤️

All of this was helpful to me today, thank you.  I will repeat it as many times as necessary for it to sink in. 
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Hello,

As a leader, I took what you wrote and changed it push my mindset interacting with others:

They are worthy
They are allowed to struggle
They deserve to take up space
They are allowed to speak
They don’t need permission to exist
They are not fundamentally flawed
You need to acknowledge their feelings without having to justify them.

And when all else fails: Breathe

((((Hugs)))

Ready
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

E
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I think you should copy that across to the ‘Grace’ thread Ready. It seems to me a pretty good definition.
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

N

Nas

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Today:

May my life be of benefit to other human beings.
But just for today
Tackle what needs to be done, one thing at a time.
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A
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Beautiful...  Thank you, Nas, for sharing the quote.

By sharing it, you have achieved ‘May my life be of benefit to other human beings.’

((((((HUGS)))))))

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My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Me, too, Nas.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

K
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By sharing it, you have achieved ‘May my life be of benefit to other human beings.’


Agree!
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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