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Author Topic: My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2

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My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
OP: September 28, 2020, 10:28:58 AM
Dont want to get in trouble with the mods (although, I do kind of like the thought of receiving UM's GIF Warning, on my thread  ;D)

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https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11458.150
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Me (W) 43 - W 42
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#1: September 28, 2020, 11:00:49 AM
Well, well, well.   Life has been busy for this girl.

Friday, I had friend come over to my place as planned.   We had some drinks, I made her dinner, we watched some TV.  It was nice having someone in my place as things sometimes, get a bit lonely.  I forgot what it felt like to have someone lay on my couch, beside me.

While she was here, my ex GF messaged me.   This isn't uncommon as she frequently reaches out and has talked about us getting together in person to catch up.   So she asked me to come see her on Saturday and to spend the night (she lives about 80 mins outside of the city).  At first I wasn't about it, but when I woke up on Saturday, something was saying "Go, have fun".   So we chatted and decided I would come out there, we'd have some beers and order some dinner.   So off I go, with my little dog. 

I was thinking about it when I was there, sitting across from her.   I dont think I had actually seen her in person, since she abruptly left my life 10.5 years ago.  And in many ways, she is the exact same person she was back all those years ago, when we shared a life together.  We had some witty banter, we talked about us (back then, not a now thing), brought each other up to speed on where our friends are at in their life, talked about the world, her kids, her EXH, her dating life.   

At one point, she wanted to take a selfie of us, and then said "You should post this to your social media - hahahahaha".   First of all, I'm not into the drama of posting to get a rise out of anyone.   I know that my friends would be like "HUH?" and because I am friends with my SIL's, I dont doubt that my W stalks my profile.   Posting a selfie of us literally serves me ZERO Purpose.   While we caught up, she's my past and not my present enough to parade her on social media.  She sent a text to her friends of us and I laughed and said "Oh boy, I cant wait to hear what J is gonna say about this".   J never really liked me, but we put up with each other as having mutual connections to EXGF.   She actually didn't say anything bad, and was more like "Woah, blast from the past".

As I was driving out to the town she lives in, I thought what my W would think if she knew I was going to see T.   W always hated T because of what she had done to me and how much she messed me up (So W decided to end up blowing us up, as T did back in the day?). T has also been super flirty and while theres definitely not a romantic thing (I am NOT interested in ever being with her again), I thought about what may physically happen, and if it did, what would that do to my M?  W would never forgive me if I slept with T.  I know this for a fact.   So I put it out to the universe that there be no temptation with beers and T's suggestive behaviours. 

T was definitely suggestive the longer the night went on.   There was some physical contact, there were advances, but I didn't react to them.   She didn't come full on, they were simple tests.   But I couldn't respond as I know myself enough to know that I dont have the willpower to say no to something physical (Thanks Pandemic and missing physical intimacy in general  >:(). While there was some physical closeness at times, nothing progressed, and for that I am grateful.

Headed back into the city yesterday for a get together at my friends place.   This goes against all COVID rules, but to be honest, I am fed up of living life and seeing everyone get to live theirs.   At the early stages of the pandemic, I locked down.  Mostly because I was dealing with the loss of my M, my monster W, and my emotions around it all.   Recently, our numbers dropped substantially, so I felt better about going out and GAL'ing.  Our numbers seem to be back on the rise, but this weekend, I was like Eff it.  Its my time.  So I did tell my friends I had broken the bubble and said that Im happy to sit this gathering out, and will catch up another time.   But they weren't concerned with my interactions with others, we would be sitting outside anyways, and theres enough room to keep space.   So got home, showered, grabbed my dog, grabbed my bottle of Pink Whitney and headed on down.  It was a lovely afternoon, evening.

Usually I get some depression after Ive interacted with others.   Well the universe slapped me today when our numbers were released for our province.   Our highest numbers yet, with almost half of the cases coming out of my city.   So clearly, its back into isolation mode.

I wanted to go get tested, for peace of mind however the province has literally just changed the rules and I dont qualify to go for testing.  I cant just show up and say I was with people all weekend and I just want to be sure I'm okay before I see family.   So into quarantine I go. 

I never did respond to S' message, until Today.   Simply said that life has been busy (she watches my social media, so she would know this anyways), she's right, we haven't chatted in a while, we seem to be on different schedules right now, and I hope she's keeping well.   I dont expect her to reply because this is her game.   I only responded because I didn't want to "ghost" her as we have mutual friends, but I kept it short and to the point. 

This way, when she doesn't respond, I won't feel bad as lack of contact falls squarely on her shoulders.

And today, my W wasn't the first one I thought of when I woke up.   Today, theres a pep in my step, a perma grin on my face.   It was a great weekend, life is good, god is good, I'm alive, I'm healing
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#2: September 30, 2020, 09:57:34 AM
LL, I’m so impressed with how you are navigating all of this! Sounds like the catch-up with T was overall really good for you, and the gathering with friends as well. It’s hard to find the right balance between complete isolation and just living our lives, taking enough precautions to be safe but socializing enough to stay sane. All of my really good friends live far away; W has some friends locally and they mostly isolate but occasionally there is a socially distanced meetup in a park or our backyard.

Sorry the socializing has led to a need for quarantine, but I am happy that you enjoyed the time spent with others. Hope you remain safe and well!
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#3: September 30, 2020, 11:13:27 AM
LL, I’m so impressed with how you are navigating all of this! Sounds like the catch-up with T was overall really good for you, and the gathering with friends as well. It’s hard to find the right balance between complete isolation and just living our lives, taking enough precautions to be safe but socializing enough to stay sane. All of my really good friends live far away; W has some friends locally and they mostly isolate but occasionally there is a socially distanced meetup in a park or our backyard.

Sorry the socializing has led to a need for quarantine, but I am happy that you enjoyed the time spent with others. Hope you remain safe and well!

At first, the isolation was just going to be to give time before I see others again given that I had jumped a few bubbles all weekend.   Then, Sunday night, I received a call from a friend from my primary bubble.   One of the girls has COVID, he was in contact with her as they were at her and her husbands place for dinner.   Friend then saw another friend from the bubble on Saturday, and I was with that friend on Sunday.   So by Proxy, he wanted to let me know.

At first I panicked.  To be honest, I thought it would have been my negligence that risked bringing Covid into the bubble, but it wasn't me.   I panicked because what if I am at risk, what if, what if, what if.  I caught myself slipping into a rabbit hole of panicked thoughts, and realized my inner children were leading that fear.   So I stopped myself.   Told myself that we will cross that bridge when we get there.   Friend who called had gone to get a test on Sunday in light of this news, and he would have his results by Thursday.  So I couldn't sit and panic for 3 days over something I have no control over.   And once I told myself we will cross that bridge when we get there, I began to shift my thoughts out to the universe that we would test negative.

I got confirmation yesterday, that the test came back negative.   They tested approximately 12 days after their contact with the person who has Covid (who didn't have symptoms at the time and wasn't even aware she had been in contact with someone who had).  So the accuracy of this test seems solid.

In my province, I cant really test since I have no symptoms.   If he tested positive, I would have gone later this week for testing, to allow a few days for the virus to do its thing, to avoid a false negative.   But even if I go for testing, our province requires us to isolate for 14 days, regardless of the test results.   Since his came back negative, I won't go for testing (our current lines are about 7 hours long).   So at home I stay.

As for hanging with T, its funny how things work.   She absolutely broke me when she left.   She cheated with me multiple times with Men.   She left me for a man that she would go on to have 3 kids with, marry, and now divorce from.  I suffered a lot of self esteem about it and its a bit of an insecurity thing about women leaving for men.   It bled into my marriage.   Towards the end, I thought my W was having an affair with her boss, a male, because he is all she talked about.   I still cant say that her version of having OW is true.   Maybe it was her male boss all along, but I've since learnt to let that go.   

Sitting with her, hanging with her, talking to her, she is the same T she was back when we dated.   She's dramatic, emotional, needy, over the top on everything she does.   If you told me all those years ago that I would one day sit with T, have beers and laugh, I would have told you that you were certifiably insane.  That I would never be in that spot.   And there I was.   No resentment, no feelings of hurt, just remembering that she's been a part of my life, and that in some ways, she's taught me some kind of lesson

And that goes to show that whatever I feel about my W on a particular day, may not be where the future leads me.   Maybe one day I will once again sit across from W without resentment, without attachment, without romanticism.   Maybe I won't.   But what the experience with T confirmed to me is, nothing is forever and one day, things may be a lot different than I visualize in my head and heart.

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#4: October 01, 2020, 01:15:47 PM
Staying with you.

I guess your rules over there are different to ours huh 🙄 we basically can do whatever we like. We’re almost back to normal jusy a few minor restrictions despite high numbers. But then I won’t get into that and the BS show on here HAAAA!

Glad your doing well with life in general.
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#5: October 02, 2020, 02:03:00 PM
Staying with you.

I guess your rules over there are different to ours huh 🙄 we basically can do whatever we like. We’re almost back to normal jusy a few minor restrictions despite high numbers. But then I won’t get into that and the BS show on here HAAAA!

Glad your doing well with life in general.

Thanks for attaching

I have a friend who lives in Scotland, so I get the regular updates - I cant imagine being in the "Thousands" of cases a day range, that the UK is in.   She also told me about the encouragement to go to restaurants by offering like $10.   

We are entering another lockdown here.   Our models are forecasting 1000 cases daily, by Mid October.  I understood that we had a mandatory mask policy indoors, but it seems the province is implemented "new" measures, which require Masks indoors  ::).   They've also removed the social bubble and we are only to socialize with those who live in our home, and restaurant capacity has been reduced.

My W works in the catering industry, and the province previously had a 50 person patron limit, but the buildings could have more than that if the remaining people were facility workers.  They just announced today, that the convention centres can only hold 50 people, that includes facility workers.   That means, W is even more constrained now, so I suspect her job will very likely be affected.   I may reach out to her and let her know I'm sending her some good vibes.

I'm a bit stressed about what this recent change will do for my mental being.   Now that we aren't allowed to socialize in bubbles, Im essentially going to be spending a lot of alone time.  Yes, I can likely burst that and go with my friends, but after this weeks Covid scare in our bubble, I'm not quite sure I want to.

I typically suffer from Seasonal depression, so during a pandemic, Im extra worried.

But with gratitude, I have an apartment, a safe space, my dog, my mom and brother next door, I have friends, I have my job.
But man, eff this pandemic.
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#6: October 02, 2020, 03:12:16 PM
I won’t hijack your thread with my own theory on Covid. But I am now of the reasoning that mine and my children’s mental health comes first. I’ll sanitize. I’ll wear a mask. I’ll do everything to protect other people, but under no circumstances will I be staying in the house unless we have a full on lockdown. Even if I just fake me and the girls to the park, grab a cake from the bakery. D9 particularly took a massive hit to the pandemic during loxkdown. She now refuses to stay in hotels (she saw all the signs when we were in blavkpool and panicked herself) she doesn’t want to go abroad in 2021. She’s turned into a shell or herself and so to me. That takes over Covid. Ofcourse I won’t be wreck less with it. However that’s where common sense really does come into it. Something many of us in the UK clearly lacked 😭

FWIW I think your doing well, you understand seasonal depression may rear it’s ugly head and your able to attempt to tackle it before it gets too hard.
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#7: October 09, 2020, 11:49:41 AM
UGHHHHHHH

My city has had a spike in cases recently, and we are now on track to hit the number of daily cases as projected in the Province's model.   As such, my city is being shut down for 28 days.  Indoor dining, closed.  Gyms, closed.  Theatres, Closed.  All of this comes, after I just finished my self imposed quarantine after a contact scare a couple of weeks back.

I guess its good because if I cant get out, neither can my W LOL.

As for me, I've been on a bit of a spiritual journey.   I have been watching a lot of tarot videos on YouTube, getting those general reads.   I decided that I didn't want to "hang on" to things some scam artist says when they flip a card, so I decided to learn tarot.   My mom had a deck and gifted it to me, so I could start to learn.   Apparently, that is good luck.   So I've been filling my days, learning to connect, just holding the cards, flipping them and trying to read based on what I've learnt so far.   Have done some reads about my life, about my W, but I mostly ask the tarot what I need to know about today, each day.

I did do a read on a 3 card flip - me, her, the relationship.   It was uncanny what I pulled.   It showed me as the two of pentacles, juggling act.   My confusion, my constant back and forth.  She was the queen of swords - that card represents someone who cuts people out of their life who serve no purpose.   The relationship card was the 6 of swords reversed.   This represents emotional blockage, an inability to let things go.   So the reading showed us clearly, and says that the relationship has baggage and something cannot be overcome.

Now I appreciate that tarot isn't a predictor of the future.....its an energy in the current state.   And so that reading is accurate.   I am often confused, she has cut me out of her life, and I dont know that either one of us will get past things done. 

I've really started to push back on putting my energy into her.   I'm detaching and was GAL'ing, but naturally in isolation, I think a lot, so she and I and our sitch has always been on my mind.   Learning tarot is a great distraction, and shifts my energy into something else.

When you receive a tarot deck, you need to cleanse it from the hands that may have handled the deck before you.   So I saged my deck.    I had sage on hand as I wanted to sage my apartment, but never got around to it.   So after I saged my deck, I proceeded to sage my apartment and asked that it rid this space of negative energy that may be lingering.   Ever since I've done this, my mind has cleared, my apartment feels light, I feel liberated.  I still think of my W, but when I do, something says "patience", I still see numbers in signs, so someone is looking out for me.    I've cut S out as I have no desire to speak with her, casual or not.   I have no desire to date, I will be single, and remain single.   Something is willing me to be patient, work on myself, and not worry about dating.  Is this a fantasy that she is coursed to return to me?  Maybe, is it fate?  Maybe.   Only time will tell, so I will continue to follow the messages the universe sends to me, understanding that what is meant to be, will be presented to me in time.

I have to help my friend in a couple of weeks move (if you recall, she is moving into my W's neighbourhood).   I was thinking of messaging my W when I know the date, to see if she would be interested in seeing our dog as she indicated she missed the fur babies, the last time we spoke.  The dog could stay with W while I help friend move, and I can collect the dog once we are done.

Im torn on this.  I feel its a push to a degree, I fear she will say No.   I fear that she will say yes, and I will have to see her.   So I will sit on it.

And if I dont reach out to offer her the dog for the day, her birthday is soon approaching.   So either way, we will have some contact soon, but no expectations.   Its still too early in this journey to expect some kind of substantial turn around.

And that hurts, but I'll be okay because I am on my own path.   The universe has shown me this, time and time again

Stay safe friends
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« Last Edit: October 09, 2020, 11:53:23 AM by LBS_Les »
Me (W) 43 - W 42
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#8: October 09, 2020, 01:06:35 PM
LL...I came to the board today with the intention of posting about my search for meaning and looking into spirituality, so your post feels really timely to me. Glad to know this search exists for others and is a complex subject.

As for reaching out to your W...I feel like I would not reach out about bringing over the dog. However, when her birthday arrives there is nothing wrong with wishing her a happy birthday. I have been listening to Lee Baucom’s Save the Marriage podcasts, and he talks about reaching out just to let someone know you are thinking of them, versus reaching out when you are really hoping to get something in return. Obviously, you would be offering your W something she wants by giving her the chance to spend time with the dog...but it’s a contact initiated by you that comes with the expectation that she will respond in some way. The “happy birthday,” on the other hand, is something you can send to her without any expectations of any return gesture.

Note that I am saying this as someone who is pretty constantly wanting to reach out to my W...to see how she is, to see what she’s learning about herself, to talk to her about my mirror work, to talk about the pets or the state of the world, to spend time in her company. And she just left home on Monday and was here Wednesday for much of the day...and there was a little small talk by text yesterday! So yeah... I’m certainly one who understands the desire to make contact. And maybe my advice to hold back comes from a place of wanting to err on the side of giving space. Maybe, with the amount of space you have already given her, reaching out about the dog is not something she would see as a push? I guess I just feel like the MLCer really needs to make it clear that they are comfortable with contact before the LBS reaches out to initiate an exchange.

Sorry about the spike in cases in your province. We are on an improving trend locally, and our mild weather means there isn’t much temptation to move any gatherings indoors anytime soon, so I hope that continues. But I am concerned about a seasonal spike nonetheless, and I feel like continuing caution is important. Stay as safe and well as you can!
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#9: October 09, 2020, 01:55:24 PM
LL...I came to the board today with the intention of posting about my search for meaning and looking into spirituality, so your post feels really timely to me. Glad to know this search exists for others and is a complex subject.

As for reaching out to your W...I feel like I would not reach out about bringing over the dog. However, when her birthday arrives there is nothing wrong with wishing her a happy birthday. I have been listening to Lee Baucom’s Save the Marriage podcasts, and he talks about reaching out just to let someone know you are thinking of them, versus reaching out when you are really hoping to get something in return. Obviously, you would be offering your W something she wants by giving her the chance to spend time with the dog...but it’s a contact initiated by you that comes with the expectation that she will respond in some way. The “happy birthday,” on the other hand, is something you can send to her without any expectations of any return gesture.

Note that I am saying this as someone who is pretty constantly wanting to reach out to my W...to see how she is, to see what she’s learning about herself, to talk to her about my mirror work, to talk about the pets or the state of the world, to spend time in her company. And she just left home on Monday and was here Wednesday for much of the day...and there was a little small talk by text yesterday! So yeah... I’m certainly one who understands the desire to make contact. And maybe my advice to hold back comes from a place of wanting to err on the side of giving space. Maybe, with the amount of space you have already given her, reaching out about the dog is not something she would see as a push? I guess I just feel like the MLCer really needs to make it clear that they are comfortable with contact before the LBS reaches out to initiate an exchange.

Sorry about the spike in cases in your province. We are on an improving trend locally, and our mild weather means there isn’t much temptation to move any gatherings indoors anytime soon, so I hope that continues. But I am concerned about a seasonal spike nonetheless, and I feel like continuing caution is important. Stay as safe and well as you can!

Ya, one of the things I have learned to do in my journey, is to sit and think about what I am trying to achieve, before doing something.   So I recognize me offering the dog, is me showing kindness, me finding a reason to reach out or see her (I dont need to see her, but it would have to happen), and I guess, showing that I am happy, warm, a different person - like you said, sharing all the mirror work.   

I'm leaning more on the side of NOT offering, but I did ask a mutual friend what she thought I should do.   I will continue to think through my intentions.

As for contact, I have yet to receive monster, since the spring (lord knows there was a ton of monster for months after BD).   Whenever we chat, she always makes a point of saying that its nice to hear from me.   The last time we spoke, she said it three times in one message.   So I know that contact is "welcomed", but I also want to respect her space (as well as mine).   I don't want to push, and I certainly dont want to be the one reaching out all the time.

Thanks for your perspective.   ;D
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