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Author Topic: My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2

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My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
OP: September 28, 2020, 10:28:58 AM
Dont want to get in trouble with the mods (although, I do kind of like the thought of receiving UM's GIF Warning, on my thread  ;D)

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https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11458.150
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Me (W) 44 - W 42
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#1: September 28, 2020, 11:00:49 AM
Well, well, well.   Life has been busy for this girl.

Friday, I had friend come over to my place as planned.   We had some drinks, I made her dinner, we watched some TV.  It was nice having someone in my place as things sometimes, get a bit lonely.  I forgot what it felt like to have someone lay on my couch, beside me.

While she was here, my ex GF messaged me.   This isn't uncommon as she frequently reaches out and has talked about us getting together in person to catch up.   So she asked me to come see her on Saturday and to spend the night (she lives about 80 mins outside of the city).  At first I wasn't about it, but when I woke up on Saturday, something was saying "Go, have fun".   So we chatted and decided I would come out there, we'd have some beers and order some dinner.   So off I go, with my little dog. 

I was thinking about it when I was there, sitting across from her.   I dont think I had actually seen her in person, since she abruptly left my life 10.5 years ago.  And in many ways, she is the exact same person she was back all those years ago, when we shared a life together.  We had some witty banter, we talked about us (back then, not a now thing), brought each other up to speed on where our friends are at in their life, talked about the world, her kids, her EXH, her dating life.   

At one point, she wanted to take a selfie of us, and then said "You should post this to your social media - hahahahaha".   First of all, I'm not into the drama of posting to get a rise out of anyone.   I know that my friends would be like "HUH?" and because I am friends with my SIL's, I dont doubt that my W stalks my profile.   Posting a selfie of us literally serves me ZERO Purpose.   While we caught up, she's my past and not my present enough to parade her on social media.  She sent a text to her friends of us and I laughed and said "Oh boy, I cant wait to hear what J is gonna say about this".   J never really liked me, but we put up with each other as having mutual connections to EXGF.   She actually didn't say anything bad, and was more like "Woah, blast from the past".

As I was driving out to the town she lives in, I thought what my W would think if she knew I was going to see T.   W always hated T because of what she had done to me and how much she messed me up (So W decided to end up blowing us up, as T did back in the day?). T has also been super flirty and while theres definitely not a romantic thing (I am NOT interested in ever being with her again), I thought about what may physically happen, and if it did, what would that do to my M?  W would never forgive me if I slept with T.  I know this for a fact.   So I put it out to the universe that there be no temptation with beers and T's suggestive behaviours. 

T was definitely suggestive the longer the night went on.   There was some physical contact, there were advances, but I didn't react to them.   She didn't come full on, they were simple tests.   But I couldn't respond as I know myself enough to know that I dont have the willpower to say no to something physical (Thanks Pandemic and missing physical intimacy in general  >:(). While there was some physical closeness at times, nothing progressed, and for that I am grateful.

Headed back into the city yesterday for a get together at my friends place.   This goes against all COVID rules, but to be honest, I am fed up of living life and seeing everyone get to live theirs.   At the early stages of the pandemic, I locked down.  Mostly because I was dealing with the loss of my M, my monster W, and my emotions around it all.   Recently, our numbers dropped substantially, so I felt better about going out and GAL'ing.  Our numbers seem to be back on the rise, but this weekend, I was like Eff it.  Its my time.  So I did tell my friends I had broken the bubble and said that Im happy to sit this gathering out, and will catch up another time.   But they weren't concerned with my interactions with others, we would be sitting outside anyways, and theres enough room to keep space.   So got home, showered, grabbed my dog, grabbed my bottle of Pink Whitney and headed on down.  It was a lovely afternoon, evening.

Usually I get some depression after Ive interacted with others.   Well the universe slapped me today when our numbers were released for our province.   Our highest numbers yet, with almost half of the cases coming out of my city.   So clearly, its back into isolation mode.

I wanted to go get tested, for peace of mind however the province has literally just changed the rules and I dont qualify to go for testing.  I cant just show up and say I was with people all weekend and I just want to be sure I'm okay before I see family.   So into quarantine I go. 

I never did respond to S' message, until Today.   Simply said that life has been busy (she watches my social media, so she would know this anyways), she's right, we haven't chatted in a while, we seem to be on different schedules right now, and I hope she's keeping well.   I dont expect her to reply because this is her game.   I only responded because I didn't want to "ghost" her as we have mutual friends, but I kept it short and to the point. 

This way, when she doesn't respond, I won't feel bad as lack of contact falls squarely on her shoulders.

And today, my W wasn't the first one I thought of when I woke up.   Today, theres a pep in my step, a perma grin on my face.   It was a great weekend, life is good, god is good, I'm alive, I'm healing
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#2: September 30, 2020, 09:57:34 AM
LL, I’m so impressed with how you are navigating all of this! Sounds like the catch-up with T was overall really good for you, and the gathering with friends as well. It’s hard to find the right balance between complete isolation and just living our lives, taking enough precautions to be safe but socializing enough to stay sane. All of my really good friends live far away; W has some friends locally and they mostly isolate but occasionally there is a socially distanced meetup in a park or our backyard.

Sorry the socializing has led to a need for quarantine, but I am happy that you enjoyed the time spent with others. Hope you remain safe and well!
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#3: September 30, 2020, 11:13:27 AM
LL, I’m so impressed with how you are navigating all of this! Sounds like the catch-up with T was overall really good for you, and the gathering with friends as well. It’s hard to find the right balance between complete isolation and just living our lives, taking enough precautions to be safe but socializing enough to stay sane. All of my really good friends live far away; W has some friends locally and they mostly isolate but occasionally there is a socially distanced meetup in a park or our backyard.

Sorry the socializing has led to a need for quarantine, but I am happy that you enjoyed the time spent with others. Hope you remain safe and well!

At first, the isolation was just going to be to give time before I see others again given that I had jumped a few bubbles all weekend.   Then, Sunday night, I received a call from a friend from my primary bubble.   One of the girls has COVID, he was in contact with her as they were at her and her husbands place for dinner.   Friend then saw another friend from the bubble on Saturday, and I was with that friend on Sunday.   So by Proxy, he wanted to let me know.

At first I panicked.  To be honest, I thought it would have been my negligence that risked bringing Covid into the bubble, but it wasn't me.   I panicked because what if I am at risk, what if, what if, what if.  I caught myself slipping into a rabbit hole of panicked thoughts, and realized my inner children were leading that fear.   So I stopped myself.   Told myself that we will cross that bridge when we get there.   Friend who called had gone to get a test on Sunday in light of this news, and he would have his results by Thursday.  So I couldn't sit and panic for 3 days over something I have no control over.   And once I told myself we will cross that bridge when we get there, I began to shift my thoughts out to the universe that we would test negative.

I got confirmation yesterday, that the test came back negative.   They tested approximately 12 days after their contact with the person who has Covid (who didn't have symptoms at the time and wasn't even aware she had been in contact with someone who had).  So the accuracy of this test seems solid.

In my province, I cant really test since I have no symptoms.   If he tested positive, I would have gone later this week for testing, to allow a few days for the virus to do its thing, to avoid a false negative.   But even if I go for testing, our province requires us to isolate for 14 days, regardless of the test results.   Since his came back negative, I won't go for testing (our current lines are about 7 hours long).   So at home I stay.

As for hanging with T, its funny how things work.   She absolutely broke me when she left.   She cheated with me multiple times with Men.   She left me for a man that she would go on to have 3 kids with, marry, and now divorce from.  I suffered a lot of self esteem about it and its a bit of an insecurity thing about women leaving for men.   It bled into my marriage.   Towards the end, I thought my W was having an affair with her boss, a male, because he is all she talked about.   I still cant say that her version of having OW is true.   Maybe it was her male boss all along, but I've since learnt to let that go.   

Sitting with her, hanging with her, talking to her, she is the same T she was back when we dated.   She's dramatic, emotional, needy, over the top on everything she does.   If you told me all those years ago that I would one day sit with T, have beers and laugh, I would have told you that you were certifiably insane.  That I would never be in that spot.   And there I was.   No resentment, no feelings of hurt, just remembering that she's been a part of my life, and that in some ways, she's taught me some kind of lesson

And that goes to show that whatever I feel about my W on a particular day, may not be where the future leads me.   Maybe one day I will once again sit across from W without resentment, without attachment, without romanticism.   Maybe I won't.   But what the experience with T confirmed to me is, nothing is forever and one day, things may be a lot different than I visualize in my head and heart.

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#4: October 01, 2020, 01:15:47 PM
Staying with you.

I guess your rules over there are different to ours huh 🙄 we basically can do whatever we like. We’re almost back to normal jusy a few minor restrictions despite high numbers. But then I won’t get into that and the BS show on here HAAAA!

Glad your doing well with life in general.
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#5: October 02, 2020, 02:03:00 PM
Staying with you.

I guess your rules over there are different to ours huh 🙄 we basically can do whatever we like. We’re almost back to normal jusy a few minor restrictions despite high numbers. But then I won’t get into that and the BS show on here HAAAA!

Glad your doing well with life in general.

Thanks for attaching

I have a friend who lives in Scotland, so I get the regular updates - I cant imagine being in the "Thousands" of cases a day range, that the UK is in.   She also told me about the encouragement to go to restaurants by offering like $10.   

We are entering another lockdown here.   Our models are forecasting 1000 cases daily, by Mid October.  I understood that we had a mandatory mask policy indoors, but it seems the province is implemented "new" measures, which require Masks indoors  ::).   They've also removed the social bubble and we are only to socialize with those who live in our home, and restaurant capacity has been reduced.

My W works in the catering industry, and the province previously had a 50 person patron limit, but the buildings could have more than that if the remaining people were facility workers.  They just announced today, that the convention centres can only hold 50 people, that includes facility workers.   That means, W is even more constrained now, so I suspect her job will very likely be affected.   I may reach out to her and let her know I'm sending her some good vibes.

I'm a bit stressed about what this recent change will do for my mental being.   Now that we aren't allowed to socialize in bubbles, Im essentially going to be spending a lot of alone time.  Yes, I can likely burst that and go with my friends, but after this weeks Covid scare in our bubble, I'm not quite sure I want to.

I typically suffer from Seasonal depression, so during a pandemic, Im extra worried.

But with gratitude, I have an apartment, a safe space, my dog, my mom and brother next door, I have friends, I have my job.
But man, eff this pandemic.
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#6: October 02, 2020, 03:12:16 PM
I won’t hijack your thread with my own theory on Covid. But I am now of the reasoning that mine and my children’s mental health comes first. I’ll sanitize. I’ll wear a mask. I’ll do everything to protect other people, but under no circumstances will I be staying in the house unless we have a full on lockdown. Even if I just fake me and the girls to the park, grab a cake from the bakery. D9 particularly took a massive hit to the pandemic during loxkdown. She now refuses to stay in hotels (she saw all the signs when we were in blavkpool and panicked herself) she doesn’t want to go abroad in 2021. She’s turned into a shell or herself and so to me. That takes over Covid. Ofcourse I won’t be wreck less with it. However that’s where common sense really does come into it. Something many of us in the UK clearly lacked 😭

FWIW I think your doing well, you understand seasonal depression may rear it’s ugly head and your able to attempt to tackle it before it gets too hard.
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#7: October 09, 2020, 11:49:41 AM
UGHHHHHHH

My city has had a spike in cases recently, and we are now on track to hit the number of daily cases as projected in the Province's model.   As such, my city is being shut down for 28 days.  Indoor dining, closed.  Gyms, closed.  Theatres, Closed.  All of this comes, after I just finished my self imposed quarantine after a contact scare a couple of weeks back.

I guess its good because if I cant get out, neither can my W LOL.

As for me, I've been on a bit of a spiritual journey.   I have been watching a lot of tarot videos on YouTube, getting those general reads.   I decided that I didn't want to "hang on" to things some scam artist says when they flip a card, so I decided to learn tarot.   My mom had a deck and gifted it to me, so I could start to learn.   Apparently, that is good luck.   So I've been filling my days, learning to connect, just holding the cards, flipping them and trying to read based on what I've learnt so far.   Have done some reads about my life, about my W, but I mostly ask the tarot what I need to know about today, each day.

I did do a read on a 3 card flip - me, her, the relationship.   It was uncanny what I pulled.   It showed me as the two of pentacles, juggling act.   My confusion, my constant back and forth.  She was the queen of swords - that card represents someone who cuts people out of their life who serve no purpose.   The relationship card was the 6 of swords reversed.   This represents emotional blockage, an inability to let things go.   So the reading showed us clearly, and says that the relationship has baggage and something cannot be overcome.

Now I appreciate that tarot isn't a predictor of the future.....its an energy in the current state.   And so that reading is accurate.   I am often confused, she has cut me out of her life, and I dont know that either one of us will get past things done. 

I've really started to push back on putting my energy into her.   I'm detaching and was GAL'ing, but naturally in isolation, I think a lot, so she and I and our sitch has always been on my mind.   Learning tarot is a great distraction, and shifts my energy into something else.

When you receive a tarot deck, you need to cleanse it from the hands that may have handled the deck before you.   So I saged my deck.    I had sage on hand as I wanted to sage my apartment, but never got around to it.   So after I saged my deck, I proceeded to sage my apartment and asked that it rid this space of negative energy that may be lingering.   Ever since I've done this, my mind has cleared, my apartment feels light, I feel liberated.  I still think of my W, but when I do, something says "patience", I still see numbers in signs, so someone is looking out for me.    I've cut S out as I have no desire to speak with her, casual or not.   I have no desire to date, I will be single, and remain single.   Something is willing me to be patient, work on myself, and not worry about dating.  Is this a fantasy that she is coursed to return to me?  Maybe, is it fate?  Maybe.   Only time will tell, so I will continue to follow the messages the universe sends to me, understanding that what is meant to be, will be presented to me in time.

I have to help my friend in a couple of weeks move (if you recall, she is moving into my W's neighbourhood).   I was thinking of messaging my W when I know the date, to see if she would be interested in seeing our dog as she indicated she missed the fur babies, the last time we spoke.  The dog could stay with W while I help friend move, and I can collect the dog once we are done.

Im torn on this.  I feel its a push to a degree, I fear she will say No.   I fear that she will say yes, and I will have to see her.   So I will sit on it.

And if I dont reach out to offer her the dog for the day, her birthday is soon approaching.   So either way, we will have some contact soon, but no expectations.   Its still too early in this journey to expect some kind of substantial turn around.

And that hurts, but I'll be okay because I am on my own path.   The universe has shown me this, time and time again

Stay safe friends
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« Last Edit: October 09, 2020, 11:53:23 AM by LBS_Les »
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#8: October 09, 2020, 01:06:35 PM
LL...I came to the board today with the intention of posting about my search for meaning and looking into spirituality, so your post feels really timely to me. Glad to know this search exists for others and is a complex subject.

As for reaching out to your W...I feel like I would not reach out about bringing over the dog. However, when her birthday arrives there is nothing wrong with wishing her a happy birthday. I have been listening to Lee Baucom’s Save the Marriage podcasts, and he talks about reaching out just to let someone know you are thinking of them, versus reaching out when you are really hoping to get something in return. Obviously, you would be offering your W something she wants by giving her the chance to spend time with the dog...but it’s a contact initiated by you that comes with the expectation that she will respond in some way. The “happy birthday,” on the other hand, is something you can send to her without any expectations of any return gesture.

Note that I am saying this as someone who is pretty constantly wanting to reach out to my W...to see how she is, to see what she’s learning about herself, to talk to her about my mirror work, to talk about the pets or the state of the world, to spend time in her company. And she just left home on Monday and was here Wednesday for much of the day...and there was a little small talk by text yesterday! So yeah... I’m certainly one who understands the desire to make contact. And maybe my advice to hold back comes from a place of wanting to err on the side of giving space. Maybe, with the amount of space you have already given her, reaching out about the dog is not something she would see as a push? I guess I just feel like the MLCer really needs to make it clear that they are comfortable with contact before the LBS reaches out to initiate an exchange.

Sorry about the spike in cases in your province. We are on an improving trend locally, and our mild weather means there isn’t much temptation to move any gatherings indoors anytime soon, so I hope that continues. But I am concerned about a seasonal spike nonetheless, and I feel like continuing caution is important. Stay as safe and well as you can!
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#9: October 09, 2020, 01:55:24 PM
LL...I came to the board today with the intention of posting about my search for meaning and looking into spirituality, so your post feels really timely to me. Glad to know this search exists for others and is a complex subject.

As for reaching out to your W...I feel like I would not reach out about bringing over the dog. However, when her birthday arrives there is nothing wrong with wishing her a happy birthday. I have been listening to Lee Baucom’s Save the Marriage podcasts, and he talks about reaching out just to let someone know you are thinking of them, versus reaching out when you are really hoping to get something in return. Obviously, you would be offering your W something she wants by giving her the chance to spend time with the dog...but it’s a contact initiated by you that comes with the expectation that she will respond in some way. The “happy birthday,” on the other hand, is something you can send to her without any expectations of any return gesture.

Note that I am saying this as someone who is pretty constantly wanting to reach out to my W...to see how she is, to see what she’s learning about herself, to talk to her about my mirror work, to talk about the pets or the state of the world, to spend time in her company. And she just left home on Monday and was here Wednesday for much of the day...and there was a little small talk by text yesterday! So yeah... I’m certainly one who understands the desire to make contact. And maybe my advice to hold back comes from a place of wanting to err on the side of giving space. Maybe, with the amount of space you have already given her, reaching out about the dog is not something she would see as a push? I guess I just feel like the MLCer really needs to make it clear that they are comfortable with contact before the LBS reaches out to initiate an exchange.

Sorry about the spike in cases in your province. We are on an improving trend locally, and our mild weather means there isn’t much temptation to move any gatherings indoors anytime soon, so I hope that continues. But I am concerned about a seasonal spike nonetheless, and I feel like continuing caution is important. Stay as safe and well as you can!

Ya, one of the things I have learned to do in my journey, is to sit and think about what I am trying to achieve, before doing something.   So I recognize me offering the dog, is me showing kindness, me finding a reason to reach out or see her (I dont need to see her, but it would have to happen), and I guess, showing that I am happy, warm, a different person - like you said, sharing all the mirror work.   

I'm leaning more on the side of NOT offering, but I did ask a mutual friend what she thought I should do.   I will continue to think through my intentions.

As for contact, I have yet to receive monster, since the spring (lord knows there was a ton of monster for months after BD).   Whenever we chat, she always makes a point of saying that its nice to hear from me.   The last time we spoke, she said it three times in one message.   So I know that contact is "welcomed", but I also want to respect her space (as well as mine).   I don't want to push, and I certainly dont want to be the one reaching out all the time.

Thanks for your perspective.   ;D
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#10: October 09, 2020, 11:53:24 PM
Playing devils advocate here. Does it help you at all having someone watch the dog? I guess it depends on the type of dog you have but I know when I had my dog that I shared with clington. That was one HYPER dog. So if I was helping a friend move, I would need someone to watch the dog because if someone didn’t she would rip up flooring, chew door frames etc.

What I’m saying is, if you need someone to watch the dog. Then I would offer her first refusal. If it was just a case of “oh that would be a handy thing to do” then probably not.
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#11: October 11, 2020, 12:39:33 PM
Playing devils advocate here. Does it help you at all having someone watch the dog? I guess it depends on the type of dog you have but I know when I had my dog that I shared with clington. That was one HYPER dog. So if I was helping a friend move, I would need someone to watch the dog because if someone didn’t she would rip up flooring, chew door frames etc.

What I’m saying is, if you need someone to watch the dog. Then I would offer her first refusal. If it was just a case of “oh that would be a handy thing to do” then probably not.

Because I would be out of my apartment all day and into the evening, I will likely take her to my mom's place so that she can get out to pee if I am gone all day and evening, and to be around company.   So if it wasn't my W, it would by my Mom.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends.   Yesterday was a rather emotional day for me.   We are entering holiday season and its bringing up emotions.   Last year, we had our beautiful house and we would be working together in the kitchen to make dinner for my mother and my brother.   Then, on another day, we would either host her family for a Mexican themed thanksgiving dinner, or we would have gone to her dad's for family dinner.   So naturally today, I wonder if they are together.   Did they forego family dinner because of Covid?  If they are together, is she reminiscing with memories as I am?  Does she even feel a sense of sadness or loss as I do?

I think im also emotional as this week will be 9 months from BD.   9 months.   I wish time would speed up, so that I can get to a place of comfort, where I dont watch for dates, where holiday's dont make me emotional

I'm going to my mothers for dinner shortly.   I have a very small family, so it will just be the three of us.   My mood is off, I am sad, I am tired. 

I cant wait for this day to be over with.  And I really hope that this doesn't happen at Christmas

Time to book a session with my therapist.
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#12: October 11, 2020, 06:12:36 PM
The fixer in me would love to offer you advice or at least wish that the veterans could offer words of wisdom. But the more I am learning, the more I understand that there is no advice or solution. So instead I will say that my thoughts are with you, I know this is always hard and even more so at the holidays. You are making your way through this admirably. I wish you a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.
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#13: October 11, 2020, 11:44:41 PM
Okay so, I would say it’s more than likely Christmas will stir up something in you. Same way NY will too. Probably valentines anniversaries etc. I know I certainly did. Especially things like Christmas when he would grab the kids from me and I was forever wondering what they were doing etc. However the benefit of this for you is, you know it’s likely to come and get you. So you can prepare yourself. Deal with the emotions you can when you can.

Secondly, even if all her family are together and living their best life. Know internally she won’t be. She’ll have the same thoughts wondering what your doing on this day.
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#14: October 12, 2020, 05:46:03 AM
Hello,

Quote
Secondly, even if all her family are together and living their best life. Know internally she won’t be. She’ll have the same thoughts wondering what your doing on this day.

I second this as my ex was a wallower and for the holidays, she would be briefly with us and disappear. Even though she was present, she really wasn't engaged or really participated in much. It really tainted the whole event. So sometimes, not having the MLCer for the holidays can be a blessing in disguise.

When someone is in a crisis, they have a breakdown in their normal daily lives and this includes interactions with other members of the family. Your wife is having a crisis and is dealing with large amounts of stress. You, on the other hand,  are dealing with the trauma from the crisis. Her crisis comes from within her and is linked to identity, self-awareness, and past trauma that has been unresolved erupting into this meltdown.

Your trauma comes from the impact that someone you trusted and loved so deeply could betray that trust and blame you for all of their issues. The key to help you overcome the trauma is the rational realization and (hard to emotionally accept) that her crisis has little to do about you.

That's why bomb drop hits us so hard because we are so emotionally invested in this person and they are such an integrally part of our lives that they can just leave us so easily. It is really not us, it is the intensity and depth of their crisis.

It is going to take time to heal. Try not to get sucked into the past and how things should be, but focus on making the experiences of now just as important for you. Your journey is all about healing yourself. The difference from you and your MLCer is the MLCer emotionally runs and reacts from the crisis while the LBSer confronts and rationally responds to the trauma inflicted by the crisis.

(((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

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#15: October 12, 2020, 06:42:34 AM
Hugs from me too.
And I hope you found some moments in the day to feel a little lightness or gratitude or felt a dash of being loved.

If it helps, you might want to put a grieving hat on it.
Big dates and anniversaries and traditions become dreaded things when we are grieving. They can feel like a sledgehammer waiting to fall. There is too much absence and not enough presence.
Strangely though I found that often we can girls our loins and create some work rounds or ways to cope with the big days, perhaps bc we can see them coming. The real sledgehammers I found were quite often the small ones that popped up that I did not see coming.  ::)

The rather glorious thing about us humans is our astonishing ability to adapt.
Right now, the presence of absence is real and noisy. With time, my friend, you will find it shifts to an absence of presence....which has sorrow but doesn't rip your heart out with a rusty knife....and then slowly, slowly, the rest of life begins to grow around the absence. It might not always feel like it, but most people who have grieved an intimate loss will tell you that although they didn't believe it, it did. Time, kindness and good gentle humans will do their job. X
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Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#16: October 12, 2020, 07:41:09 AM
LBS, (((HUGS))).

Not gonna lie, I’m years out and anniversaries or birthdays or milestones or any whichever calendar dates still do hurt. Less, over time, but they do.

As a woman with a special needs dog, and understanding that our pets are like children when we have them within our couplehood — I think it’s important to consider that your W forfeited any right to the dog upon leaving. The care and feeding and time investment has been left to you. No doubt the dog loves you both, and at the same time, it won’t do the dog all that much good to visit with the guilty person who left and hasn’t committedly come back.

Take a deep breath and have your doggo cared for by someone who isn’t a ghost. That may hurt, but it’s better for you and the dog too. And if it turns out you feel angry about current circumstances, that’s ok: feel that out and it will pass. You deserve love, commitment, and care — just know that there are select persons who can help you with that, and know that sometimes it is just painful to be nice to the ones who have proven that right now they can’t.

I’m glad you have been able to visit with friends. We’ve been in “lockdown” for seven months straight, and it’s been helpful for me when I think of the future, to see in your posts how ;) people still socialize. Be safe and well, and my unsolicited opinion is that anytime you need help with doggo, go to your mom.
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#17: October 12, 2020, 10:37:56 AM
I think, as much as they hurt and boy do they. I feel it especially at Christmas because all the plans I had in my head for that time are now gone. It’s not just about “getting over” the event. It’s also the plans you had for that event. If that makes sense.

But a silver lining to your cloud, is that Atleast you’ve been given this time to heal (and might I add your doing EXTREMELY well!) before the big holidays hit. I literally had BD end of November, then Christmas, NY, D6 birthday, and our anniversary then valentines. It was an AWFUL few months I won’t lie. However, that was my stepping stone. I got over all those dates in quick succession with three small babies. There really isn’t much else I can’t do. You’ll find you’ll also have your own “if I can do X. There isn’t myvh I can’t do”
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#18: October 17, 2020, 02:01:32 PM
I just wanted to take a second to thank each and every one of you who responded to my thread last weekend.   I had a chance to read it, and I definitely had tears in my eyes, reading all your thoughtful responses.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Nothing to report and I have kind of just been taking a break from the board for a couple of days.   After thanksgiving passed, I was back to normal and felt a lot stronger than I did before the holidays.   Just goes to show that with each cycle, I get stronger and stronger.

I have put my wedding ring back on my left.   Ive been trying to wear it on my right hand, but I keep having an allergic reaction of some kind.   I get a bump and it itches like crazy.   I'm not sure why given that its white gold, and when I wear it on my left hand, I dont have that issue.   I am taking it as some kind of sign.   

As for the dog, I am leaning on the not gonna bother side.   Her birthday is in 10 days and I'll reach out to her then.   I've been giving it a lot of thought, and Im going to go for the heartfelt message, letting her know she's loved, and that I hope the next year brings her peace and something else.....not sure yet.

She doesn't seem bothered by communication, I won't mention us.  Just a message with love, so she knows I dont hate her and that I care for her.

Lockdown is still in full effect.   So spending lots of time in solitude.   

Thank you again, to those who sent your kind words.  I do appreciate it

Stay safe y'all
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#19: October 18, 2020, 11:27:10 AM
It’s nice to see your update.

I must say, as I was reading the bit about joke I ring I also thought it may well be some kinda sign. But you said it yourself HA.
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#20: October 19, 2020, 10:33:57 AM
It’s nice to see your update.

I must say, as I was reading the bit about joke I ring I also thought it may well be some kinda sign. But you said it yourself HA.

Ya, Im trying to figure out of the sign is to take it off completely, or just to stop wearing it on my Right hand LOL

If I have a reaction on my left, I will know what it means in the end
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Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#21: October 20, 2020, 08:10:40 PM
LBS, (((HUGS)))

That business of skin reaction may be your body signaling that you have been carrying a lot of stress inside. It’s ok to remove rings, jewelry, clothes — heck, bras — anything that feels restrictive or heavy to you at this time, and just rest.

I’m a decades-long jewelry person and I typically never go without a ring. But I’ve learned to notice when they don’t feel good on, and to take them off when that happens. Even as symbolic and meaningful as our special rings are, life is too precious to spend it feeling uncomfortable when we have the option of making it better for ourselves. You know?

The skin reaction can be inflammation or allergy — to so many things. I thought metal might be culprit but even 22k gold has given me trouble at times. Food allergy, soap or cosmetic allergy, or natural stuff like pet dander or oils, garden or yard stuff, so many things.

I will admit here, I went to my GP about it once. He said that given everything that was going on in my life, the skin reaction was my nerves having their say. That’s when I learned that “on my last nerves” wasn’t just a thing anyone just says. The body literally will tell you when you need to stop or change something that’s bugging it/you.

And not to scare, but just a heads up — closer to perimenopause or full menopause, the body may use this signal a LOT! So give yourself permission at the earliest, to do whatever you need to do to give it and yourself some easy peace and rest. I don’t remember when BD was for you, but sometimes it does take months before the stress response shows itself, and this small discomfort is one of the ways that it does. Rest assured that it will recede in time. But ;) do rest.

I replaced my ring with a rotation of other rings. Occasionally, and for no reason I can figure, my hands will not take the ring. Any ring. That’s when I know to cut myself some much needed slack, and ;) I can’t tell you how good it feels sometimes, to just put the ring on the dresser and go to sleep without it.

We were naked before the ring, maybe. We were at birth, anyway. And sometimes it feels really natural and beautiful, to just be that way again. Maybe take it off for a night and just know that it will find its way back to your hand when that feels right.

On communicating or reaching out — I’ve felt that when I follow instinct or pull and communicate, often my h does not respond. The good part is I get the love off my chest and it’s there for him to see when/if he wants to see that. And it’s equally good when I don’t follow instinct or pull and I *don’t* communicate: that gives him space and it also leaves much room for him to maybe understand his choices mean something has very much changed. He can then make choices about how or whether he wants to connect.

I really think these crises require us to stand back and let the other person sort out its own thoughts and perceptions and wants. Just saying: it seems like they need/want a lot of leeway, and a lot of self-authority. It’s taken me a long time to understand that in my case, leaving him to his own stuff and time and decisions — and consequences or reward of those decisions — is the best way for me to love him. And that’s just me: everyone is different, and we each and all go through a lot of small decisions to find what really works for our particular situation.

The deeps of cycling can be really not fun. Not rhythmic, either. But man, there’s a lot of fortitude and understanding that comes of them. Be really good to yourself, always. And again, (((HUGS))).
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#22: October 24, 2020, 11:48:45 AM
Journaling

Its been a rough week emotionally.   I have definitely stepped back and its coming out in forms of my old depressive self.   My apartment is a mess as I have not been on top of my chores, no desire to cook meals, and just have felt like I am in a state of denial of what is happening in my situation.   I feel that something is telling me to be still, so I have been trying to honour it, but I am starting to question whether or not I'm stuck in some fantasy and choosing to ignore my reality

Yesterday, we had a really warm day here (23 degrees celsius).  So my friends and I ended up going to a patio for some drinks.  Of course I discussed my W because its still early on in the process.  One friend called out that it was twice that I mentioned getting back together with her, or working it out when she's out of crisis.   Ouch.   I definitely felt like an idiot.   One friend mentions that my W died her hair blue - my immediate reaction was "Thats not surprising".   Then his W said "no she didn't, she just cut her hair to her shoulders".  He insisted it was blue.  Queue everyone pulling their cell phone out to look up the photo to see if it really is blue.  And thats when it dawned on one of my friends - she has removed him from IG.   So others begin to look and lo behold, she removed them too.   Our group is a tight knit group of 10 - she removed 7 of them and kept 3?  She removed one of the friends but she kept his wife as a friend?   And so those in the group who have Facebook also checked there, she hasn't removed them there.  I know this is text book behaviour - remove traces of your old life, remove the friends that won't agree with your choices.  But it definitely stings.   She said in the beginning, she wanted us, after a period of separation and space to sort through the end of our marriage, to be able to remain friends, to be able to continue to be friends with our circle, with no animosity between each other.   That we would be comfortable enough to bring our new partners and not have it weird.  I get it, its the MLC talk, but she's now cut that group of friends out from her life, the one she so desperately wanted to hold on to.

At BD, I put her text message in the group chat, where she confirmed she cheated on me.   I'm not proud of this, but I obviously was not okay and needed support.   I understand that it affects her friendships with these people, but she reached out to them and told them she wasn't ready to talk about what she had done, but she would, in time.   And they never heard from her again.   

One of my friends and his W live not to far from where my W moved to.  He mentioned he saw her in his building, with a guy.   Now she lives in the same area as her sisters, so I asked if the guy looked like my brother in law - he said he couldn't remember, so I think he wasn't about to describe this guy to me.   So naturally, I begin to wonder if she's seeing a man now.   Leading up to BD, she had made comments about her sexuality (For reference, she's been gay since she was 18 - she was married to a woman before, and when she was in her teens, she tried to have sex with a guy but she was so grossed out that she laughed at his junk and then had to leave - thats how gay she was).   So a few months prior to BD, she made a comment about questioning her sexuality.   And I asked her at that time, do we need to have a chat about something?   She said no, but she's just saying, if she were single and met a man, she wouldn't not date him because she doesn't believe in labels.   I guess I didn't want to broach the subject with her as my last long term GF cheated on me with men, so this obviously triggers me.

And so now, today, I struggle.  I've always thought she may choose to pursue something with a man - and I wondered if thats my line.   Would I ever be able to reconnect with her, if that opportunity presented itself, knowing she had been with a man?   I struggle a lot with being in a relationship with a woman who then changes her preference to men.   This would be the second relationship where this happened to me, so it hurts.   I question myself, what is it about me that causes this?  Is it because I present as a masculine dyke?  Does my look and demeanour resemble that of a man, minus the parts?  Does that confuse women?   Its something I need to work through because it really affects my self esteem.

Is it a new friend?  Is it a lover?  I dont have the answers, and I can be purely speculating and expecting the worst I guess.  But its definitely affected me.

Last night, I ended up being "intimate" with another woman.   It wasn't full on, but there was definitely some physical things that happened.   I woke up this morning and naturally, my W was on my mind.   Yuck.   I got up, got dressed, and snuck out and did the walk of shame home, in shorts, in 8 degree weather LOL.   I dont regret last night, but its clear as day that my W's actions (and non actions), still affect me.   I am thankful that she only came to mind the morning after, and not during as that would have been incredible awkward.

I went to pick my dog up from my mom this morning and shared with her what I found out, and about the man thing bothering me.   She told me its not me, and I know this, but it still stings, it still hurts, and its definitely opened some unhealed trauma wounds.

On the streetcar today, I thought of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind.   I wish that I was able to do that.   I wish I could erase this from my mind.   I wish I could be in a different place at a different time.   One where Im not so confused and not so damaged and broken

And yesterday, I took my wedding ring off my left hand and moved it back to my right.   I didn't want my friends to ask why I was wearing it, but after yesterdays turn of events with my W defriending the group, and possibly having a BF, I think its time to keep it off.
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#23: October 25, 2020, 04:00:10 AM
It really is kinda funny how they are so so similar.

I remember about 6 months after BD clington removed everyone from following him on insta. Even his own family. What made it even funnier was, I was the last person to go, and so I saw his process - remove all my old family and friends from following me - upload a photo with ow in. His followers went from 200-300 people. The usual people we all have online. Family. Friends. People from work. That type of thing. To literally 6 people. The only people left at the end were Ow and people who knew her personally. He also deleted all his photos...including photos of the children which was semi hurtful.  So yuno, make of that what you will. But I always said him posting her, after removing everyone. Made the loud and proud statement he attempted to make, very pointless.

I also totally understand why her being with a man is your line. However the one thing I’ve seen is that, these MLCers will change everything, searching for happiness. “Oh it was my wife making me unhappy. Get rid. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m sun happy again. It was my hair. Chop it off. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again. It was being a lesbian. Go straight. Yay I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again”. I know I’ve seen it in clington jumping from one hobby and interest to the next. Changing everything.

Hang in there! Your doing fine!!
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#24: October 27, 2020, 10:03:24 AM
It really is kinda funny how they are so so similar.

I remember about 6 months after BD clington removed everyone from following him on insta. Even his own family. What made it even funnier was, I was the last person to go, and so I saw his process - remove all my old family and friends from following me - upload a photo with ow in. His followers went from 200-300 people. The usual people we all have online. Family. Friends. People from work. That type of thing. To literally 6 people. The only people left at the end were Ow and people who knew her personally. He also deleted all his photos...including photos of the children which was semi hurtful.  So yuno, make of that what you will. But I always said him posting her, after removing everyone. Made the loud and proud statement he attempted to make, very pointless.

I also totally understand why her being with a man is your line. However the one thing I’ve seen is that, these MLCers will change everything, searching for happiness. “Oh it was my wife making me unhappy. Get rid. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m sun happy again. It was my hair. Chop it off. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again. It was being a lesbian. Go straight. Yay I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again”. I know I’ve seen it in clington jumping from one hobby and interest to the next. Changing everything.

Hang in there! Your doing fine!!

Thanks Sachat, I know logically all of what you wrote, but I guess my detachment hasn't fully kicked in yet since it still gets to me.

I had therapy yesterday and the entire hour was talking about my W.  My therapist said its time for me to turn the pilot light off for her because based on our text from a month ago, it sounds like my W has moved on and has shelved our marriage.   That stung.

Wife, today is your birthday.   I thought about sending you something in the hopes that I could speak to the old you.   Something to remind you what you meant to me, and how amazing we really did have it.   I thought about all those surprise dinners and get aways that I had always sprung on you.   I dont know how I got away with so many surprises.   Last year, we were with our friends, the ones you have now removed from your life.   We all dressed up in costumes and spent the day touring wineries.   People came up to us and complimented us on our costume.  Surrounded by friends who loved us, we had an amazing weekend with each other, with our friends.   Now, they aren't even part of your world.   To those who worked so hard to make that weekend possible, you have discarded them

Then, I think of all the birthdays of mine.   I always made a point of doing something for your birthday, surrounding you with love from friends and family.   Surprise parties, dinners, get togethers.  In our 10 year relationship, you only did that for me once, for my 40th.  You knew how much I loved birthdays yet you rarely ever wished me a happy birthday at midnight. 

I realize that I put too much into you, it seems that I always have.   And so as I reflect on your day today, I will send you a message later, at some point.   And it will be simple and to the point.   No more of me is gifted to you.

I still hope you have a good day, but its no longer my responsibility to make sure its a good day.
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#25: October 27, 2020, 12:05:11 PM
LL, like so many of the holidays and the milestones of our lives and relationships, birthdays are hard in this weird place called MLC. It is natural to be thinking of her at this time but I like what you’re thinking here. You honor the very real history between you and W, you acknowledge the good and the not-as-good in your relationship. Most importantly, you show the loving detachment of, “I hope you have a good day, but it is no longer my responsibility to help that happen for you.”

I’m sure it isn’t easy but know that you are on a good path. Thinking positive thoughts for you.
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#26: October 27, 2020, 02:32:34 PM
I’m sure it isn’t easy but know that you are on a good path. Thinking positive thoughts for you.

Thanks - It doesn't always feel like I'm on a good path, but so go the cycles

I finally texted her at 4:45.  I simply said "Happy Birthday, Name.  Enjoy your day.  Take care"

And if I'm being honest, acknowledging her birthday felt more like an obligation and less of a kind gesture.
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#27: October 28, 2020, 04:09:11 AM
I know that feeling. I always acknowledge clingtons birthday. Christmas Father’s Day etc. But very rarely is it from me. I do give him a jokey gift every year on our anniversary. From me. Things like this February would have been out 10 year anniversary. Which is year of tin. So I got him a card with a love heart on the front. Drew zig zags in the middle. Gave him a tin of cider (one I knew he would give back to me) and wrote in the card “Clinton, 10 years is the year of tin. Have a tinny on me. I would wish you the best but you already had it. Bye Au revior Tschuss.” I didn’t really do it for him but to give me a giggle. So I know the feeling you have or it being an obligation. I always feel the same at birthdays but that’s because of the girls.

These dates are always hard but they do get easier as time goes on. Cut yourself some slack
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#28: October 28, 2020, 06:49:47 AM
I know that feeling. I always acknowledge clingtons birthday. Christmas Father’s Day etc. But very rarely is it from me. I do give him a jokey gift every year on our anniversary. From me. Things like this February would have been out 10 year anniversary. Which is year of tin. So I got him a card with a love heart on the front. Drew zig zags in the middle. Gave him a tin of cider (one I knew he would give back to me) and wrote in the card “Clinton, 10 years is the year of tin. Have a tinny on me. I would wish you the best but you already had it. Bye Au revior Tschuss.” I didn’t really do it for him but to give me a giggle. So I know the feeling you have or it being an obligation. I always feel the same at birthdays but that’s because of the girls.

These dates are always hard but they do get easier as time goes on. Cut yourself some slack

That anniversary gift is hilarious!  I dont think I would ever be able to do that LOL

I messaged my W yesterday and she responded this morning with a "Thanks LBS Les, Take care too"

And somehow - that feels like closure to me.

Its probably a cycle, but I feel myself letting go.
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#29: October 28, 2020, 09:29:02 AM
I did it for the first BD one too. The first BD anniversary, was a card that read on the outside “happy one year anniversary” and inside I wrote “happy one year without me. I don’t know how you’ve coped” and it had a hamper of things with a tag on. I bought him paracetamol and the tag said “to numb the pain” some tissues; the tag read “dry your eyes mate”. Gillette shaving foam “you’ve already had the best a man can get” one of those mini bottles or vodka “to drown your sorrows” that type of thing. The BD one, whilst it made him laugh etc. It helped me a lot more so was worth it.  I’m naturally a rather funny and sarcastic person so it wasn’t out of my character but it defo helped me to close that chapter. So to speak.

The funnt thing was about the 10 year anniversary, he gave me the dark fruit cider (which I’m glad about) but took the card with him. Im 100% certain it didn’t go on his mantle piece at home with Ow though 😂

Maybe it is a cycle. Maybe it’s not. The thing with cycling like this is you won’t know until your at the other end weather it was your closure. Or cycling. Time will tell. But either way, you’ll bounce back. Like a hyperactive tigger.
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Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#30: October 28, 2020, 11:51:02 AM
Dear LBS, (((HUGS))).

The birthdays are tough, other holidays and special days too. Last summer I spent h’s at a museum only a short drive from where I knew he was, not on purpose but because I legitimately had to be there. It was a deep and profoundly almost religious reason, a “roots” task and family honoring I needed to complete; he had full awareness of it but had weeks before ignored my messaging, and so I was there without him. He was livid when he “found out” a few days later. I understood it was kind of facile or stupid for him to be mad; how can you be angry when you’d been given the information and declined to engage.

His birthday was very, very hard for me regardless. But when I remember it now, a year and some months since, what I remember is the image of my own hands “holding” an important relic of my own most important family past. It was pure accident or pure blessing, that the photo came out the way it did. I don’t think I could ever explain adequately what that photo, and what that moment of Self-realization and Self-integration and Self-healing, mean to me. Even this long later. There is a photo like it from when my D was a tiny girl, and the two “selfies” match up in a way that I wouldn’t get right even if I set it all up deliberately, which I hadn’t.

In one, I am clear and fully physical; I am a beautiful mother holding a beautiful baby girl, both of us in shadow but vibrant and strong. In the other, I am all shadow, my hands “holding” the body of an ancient and troubling god.

Like a baby. And from the front, the god’s visage carved in the squall of grief and abandonment, I saw, and pure pain at disconnection from the ones who loved and on whom it was, in all its vitality and power, fully dependent.

My point is that at some point you will find yourself moved to or drawn to some other experience on those key calendar days. Notice the symbols that have always existed in your own story and inner dreams. Some detail in you has been asking to come forward for honoring, for many years, and it might be even dark or something that has been troubling a long time below the surface.

Some detail in you has been calling for your attention and nurturance, for honoring of it and yourself, and for healing.

Whatever it is, it might seem odd. Don’t be afraid to go to the deepest parts of You.

When a spouse has left us, it’s so easy and natural to focus on all the questions about them. One pure truth is that they’ve left us the opportunity to go into our own surprisingly uncharted selves and to make clearer who and what we really are.

And we’re amazing.

We are no less amazing than they are. Some unloved or unbeloved or superficially unwelcome part of You is crying out now for you to tend it as lovingly as you would any new life or to respect it as tenderly as you would an ancient god.

I am so sorry you’ve been stuck with the terrible question of whether your w has switched sides and gone straight. Whatever she explores or determines, that just is not at all about you, your value, your identity or sexuality or presentation or anything else. I resonate with your creativity and generosity in celebrating the person you’ve loved; I don’t think the imbalance in giving or cleverness really indicates the measure of anyone’s love. It’s just that someone like you or me gives more expressively or visibly. Some would say that is a God-given talent. It may be that people who are not like us in this way just have different love language, or haven’t tapped or been permitted to tap the expressiveness they may feel inside.

I didn’t go full-tilt in celebrations until I became a mom. So my gift-giving and celebrations of others for 35 years before that were milder, more tentative, more vulnerable, and shy. For whatever that is worth; I don’t know that anyone had complaints or pain about how I did things or didn’t. I did love, I know that. Just maybe showed it in different ways, and sometimes only by showing up.

Life is hard. Loving, sometimes, out loud and proud, is also hard. We can’t change people or why they are the ways they are. We can just love and keep showing it.

Being deprived suddenly of the opportunities to show love, is REALLY hard.

Being cut off and not reasonably permitted or welcome to show how grandly and completely we adore someone we love, is the absolute sh!ts.

I don’t think we are show-offs or that there is any power play in the ways we gift and give to our beloveds. In its best examples, it is just an uplifting and amplification and sharing out of the joy that is there to begin with. For me it was a way of living, and I really thrived in secretly plotting each special day months in advance and loving and living it forward. My own plans made me really happy, from the moment of inception to the moment of reveal, and every time any of it was brought up afterward.

I was good at that and it sounds like you really were too. We both still are. It’s just on sabbatical for now. You know?

I ultimately came home from that experience having unexpectedly held the ancient god in my own hands, having swum in open waters with circling nine-foot sharks *on purpose*, and having connected with important family records on my own birthday. It’s the first time I definitively used my celebration strengths to give so, so deeply to my own Self.

I immediately went after some small thing to cement it all, afterward, and ended up in the bosom of a community of strangers who, when they sent whatever had been purchased, sent it along with any number of side thank you gifts. So that each mailing arrived here full of creativity and care. The first time I received a parcel, I wept.

Other people are like you and will show you they DO like you, just as a matter of course. And it’s weird when that happens, if we’ve been the most expressive one in our own couplehood for a long time.

I am not saying our more stoic or less expressive spouses are or were the wrong kind of people for us. Just that when we find community within which pretty much *everyone* celebrates even minor exchanges the same ways we might, that’s a boon and a balm and may even take some getting used to.

The parcels I send out, especially around key special days that used to be for h or S or our family together, I send during those times now to people I’ve never met. But packaging a purchased item with care, and adding in the odds and ends and sweet messages or asides, it makes my heart feel still aligned with itself and my old family and spousal rhythms.

It’s a transference, but without expectation or attachment, and so without disappointment. It’s fulfilling and I feel light when I send these things off. I recognize that I felt the same lightness when activating celebration in special and even pleasantly anonymous ways for people at work. One year during the Super Bowl, I filled a coworker’s physical mailbox with sweets in their team’s colors. I never even worked with that guy and couldn’t even pull him out of a lineup; I just knew he was the one in the company who was really excited and proud of that team. They did win and the sweets were distributed and I never did say there that I’d been the one to do that. It was the talk of the office and nobody knew. It was just something that happened, like magic.

What I’m saying is that there will be many avenues through which your love of life can be cultivated and shared to many others, in many special ways. Consider yourself a holy instrument of joy; it’s a much-needed role and if and when you can rise to the occasion, you’re a blessing.

You are anyway.

You are an essential living example of expressive love, much needed.

*

Back to the topic of w maybe going straight, that isn’t on you and it isn’t any reflection on your worth, identity, flow, strength, or presentation, in public or in private intimacy.

You be you, do you, and just know that universally and regardless of gender, sexuality, embodiment, or anything else, loving and intimacy and interpersonal functioning are sometimes just difficult or perplexing or include doubt.

People change their minds and ways and hearts and I can’t stand that, but then I do it too. So it is just something we all do. And it really, really hurts, sometimes more than other times, and there are a LOT of questions that no matter how crucial never do seem to get fully answered. Or else are answered in ways we never expected.

What I want to say to you is that really we have no guarantee anyone is ever fully gone from our lives unless we have made ourselves an ardent and absolute commitment that they should be. Sometimes it’s easy to make that decision even if we have loved them very much. Other times it is just a fluctuating thing that changes fairly often and for reasons we don’t quite understand. As cishet I know that men always seem to come back, for whatever reasons good or bad or in between. Within my LGBT community I know that women often do, too. Humans just do. It’s sort of unnatural to stay away forever from ones we’ve loved and grown with.

I know you already know so much of all this. I am maybe just telling you, I feel you, and I’m here for your journey.

She’s going to come up a lot. Your therapist knows that. But anytime she does, it’s an opportunity for you to see more deeply into your own Self and all your Good. (((HUGS)))
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#31: November 02, 2020, 12:50:08 PM
Thanks for your very thoughtful reply Terra - its very detailed and easy to visualize and follow, I feel like im reading a story or watching a movie.

I understand that her sexuality could be in question as part of this crisis.   Its still hard not to take it personally, well, was.

I made a decision on her birthday to keep my text to her, short and simple, not sweet.  A message I would send to an acquaintance. I stewed a lot that day and really began to see things in my M that I didn't like.  Would I divorce her over these things?  No, I just would have continued to settle in some of those areas, had this crisis not hit.   But it has, and its left me wanting more.  I loved my wife to pieces.....a bit too much.   I gave her more energy than I gave myself.  And I continued to do this after BD, up until her birthday.

And then something shifted.   I told myself "No More".   She's made it clear she doesn't want me in her life, so why am I putting my energy into her trying to figure out where she's at, if she's dating, sleeping with men, whatever.  I've dropped the rope.  Like I think I felt before that I had dropped the rope, but this feels different.  I no longer worry about the future.   Divorce is starting to cross my mind.   I'm thinking about just starting the finances and separation process to get this $h!te moving, so that I can be released and free.  I look back to how much of a mess I was after BD.   How broken she left me feeling.   Months and Months of despair.   I dont think I can turn back, I dont think I want to forgive.

I have a good life.   I have friends, family, I love my space, I love being on my own, not having someone here with me, not worrying about being scrutinized for not doing dishes after dinner.  I dont have to seek approval from someone, I dont want to.   I am at peace being responsible to myself.  I dunno, there is just a shift, and I am very indifferent to my W now.

Its been almost a week since this feeling - I have not wavered in my thinking as of yet.  When I feel my mind drifting to empathy, the anger in me steps in and says NO, ENOUGH. 

I helped my friend move this weekend.  She moved into my W's area (if not directly on her street).  I was worried last week I would bump into my W, but honestly, when the day came, I actually hoped she saw our car parked on the street.   I hoped that she would see it and have her heart drop into the pit of her stomach.   I hoped she saw me so she could know what feeling terrorized felt like.  I guess resentment has taken over.

Her SIL knew I was in the area thanks to SM and she made a comment that she lives near where I was.   I said sorry for your loss.  But when you see me around, dont be shy and say hi!  I know that will get back to W - good.   You get to now live in the fear I had lived in for so many months.  You now get to wonder if you're going to bump into me.  You're now gonna live in fear that I may have actually figured out where you lived when you wanted to hide it so well.

And as for where my W moved to?  Good god.   Its horrible.   It looks like a low income neighbourhood.   Now I grew up poor, so I am not trying to come across as judgemental, but based on the salary she and I make (its very good), she should not be living in this neighbourhood.  The buildings are old, and gross, dirty.   Theres cars all over the street, parking is a $h!te show, its an urban hell.  And I feel bad saying this since my friend moved into that area and is super excited about having her own place, but there are so many other options in the city.  And while I was there, I thought to myself "For her to give up our house, our pool, our nice neighbourhood, for this?  She's clearly in crisis".

I fell asleep on the couch last night.  Woke up this morning as I saw a text from S come in.   It was a monkey emoticon.  But I went to reach for my phone and then it hit me, I hadn't received a text from her, it somehow was a dream.  So I rolled back over and went back to sleep.

I woke up and went about my day and started to work.  Take a second to look at my phone and noticed I had a notification.  Weird, I didn't hear anything come up?  It was a text from S.  She messaged to see how I have been doing, hopes I am well and staying warm.  This text came about 3 hours after I "dreamt" she messaged me.   I didn't hear it as I had her muted after her constant silent treatments.

I waited a bit and replied.  I thought about why I would, and the reason I wouldn't reply is, when she goes quiet on me, it triggers my abandonment wounds.  So by ignoring her, I am just avoiding dealing with those wounds.  So I replied in kind, with no expectations.   We have exchanged a few messages, she's acknowledged she hasn't been the best at keeping in contact with friends in the last little while, and we are now catching up.

But I dont doubt she will go back on silent mode.   I say no expectations, but I still have some - just not good ones.
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#32: November 08, 2020, 10:30:06 AM
So, I have been speaking to one of my SIL's quite a bit this week about election stuff.   My W's family is from the US and have been living in Canada for 30 years now.   I had asked her to make sure that she gets the family to do their vote since this was a super important election.  She said they were all voting

So with this weeks antics, we had shared a few messages on Facebook regarding the race.   Yesterday, after it was announced Biden won, she sent me a picture of her and my niece in front of the TV celebrating the Biden victory.   I responded and said thanks for doing your part by voting in such an important state (AZ)!  I also asked her to say Hi to niece for me, I miss her face.

I got a voice message reply, and then she wrote, "I told her she could see you so she corrected it" and then sent another voice message.   I didn't listen to it yesterday as I was meeting up with friends, and I didn't want it to affect me, since I had an understanding of what the message was going to say

So this morning, while making my coffee, I decided to listen.   Niece said she realllllly misses auntie LBS_Les, and she really misses seeing me, but she cant see me anymore.   That hurt.  I cried.

I know of course that we cannot see one another.   As much as I would love to maintain a relationship with the kids who I witnessed the birth of, and upbringing, it isn't something that is sustainable.   I've dropped the rope with W.   It wouldn't be fair to her new partners in life, to have an Ex W in the background maintaining a relationship with the kids.   It wouldn't be fair to the girls to have a relationship with someone who is no longer married to their Aunt.

I know this logically is the way things go, but hearing her little voice telling me she missed me and misses seeing me, definitely struct a cord.

Otherwise, for the most part, I have been great since dropping the rope.  I'm a bit on the "angry" side of things, and have a therapy appointment scheduled for this week, because I need to let that anger go.   I also have to go for some testing for a potential health issue.   I don't think its going to be serious, but I will have to go for scans and that of course, worries me that if it turns out to be something, I will be in it alone.   I of course have my friends and family, I will be okay, I will cross that bridge IF it gets there.   I try not to put too much energy into it as the energy you put out, comes back to you.   So I will continue to be positive that these scans are just going to confirm that I have some scar tissue from a surgery all those years back.   And if something else transpires, I will deal with it then.

And lastly, while I am not being totally reckless, I have been having these mounting feelings of "I dont have much time left".   I'm searching vitamins to take, best smoothie recipes for daily consumption to eat a bit healthier.   I want to start running (but I have a fractured toe that is preventing me from doing so).   In a way, I guess this is what Mid Life looks like.  You start to question what do you want the remainder of your life to look like?  I dont have the answers right now, but I guess I will find out.

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#33: November 12, 2020, 02:51:29 PM
So this morning, while making my coffee, I decided to listen.   Niece said she realllllly misses auntie LBS_Les, and she really misses seeing me, but she cant see me anymore.   That hurt.  I cried.

I know of course that we cannot see one another.   As much as I would love to maintain a relationship with the kids who I witnessed the birth of, and upbringing, it isn't something that is sustainable.   I've dropped the rope with W.   It wouldn't be fair to her new partners in life, to have an Ex W in the background maintaining a relationship with the kids.   It wouldn't be fair to the girls to have a relationship with someone who is no longer married to their Aunt.


I am so sorry. I distinctly remember how this felt when I went through it. I wanted to have those relationships so bad. It is really difficult and heartbreaking because they don't understand. You just disappear (well I was immediately replaced  :-\) It's getting close to 3 years for me and I still miss them.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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#34: November 13, 2020, 05:08:56 AM
I can totally understand why that must be hard. I’m quite lucky clingtons only cousin in the UK is an acquired taste so a lot of the times I find myself think “thank god”
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#35: November 19, 2020, 04:17:49 PM
Tonight marks 10 months of BD anniversary (well, technically tomorrow morning when she confirmed that she was at hotel with another woman blah blah blah).   Guess this explains the shift in my mood for the last couple of days.   Subconscious knows all!

Nothing on the MLC front - life with a vanisher, goes on.

Yesterday, had to go get a mammogram, ultrasound and X-ray done.   I teared up during the Ultrasound but I had a very kind technician talk me off the ledge.   When I went for the mammogram, the technician there made a comment that put me at ease as she mentioned she felt what I suspected is the issue.   But now, I wait results

I did have some anxiety leading up to the appointment, despite telling myself we will cross that bridge IF we get there, but we know how anxiety can be a bit of a b!tc#.

But I will manage whatever comes my way.   Its a test of my resolve.   Its a step in growing up.   Its a step in being comfortable in being alone and not needing anyone else.   If my W and I were together, I would have asked her to take the day off with me to come with me to my appointment.  It probably would have been a fight as she would have come up with an excuse as to why work was more important than a potential health issue. 

The dark evenings are definitely affecting me mentally, but I am kinder to myself.   I remind myself that every year is the same, and every year I get the depression.   So I sit with it, even in the uncomfortable moments.

I continue to ask god and the universe for the strength to continue on, and I feel it.   I no longer ask to help my wife (I've never asked for her return to our M, but have asked she find herself again).   While she lives rent free in my mind, the occasions are becoming less and less, but that does not mean I will expend my own energy on praying for her healing.   Not my monkey, not my circus.

S is back on the scene, and its amazing how things work out.   She too had some issues, and had to go for the same tests as I.   She shared this information with me, so that explains why she went radio silent on me.   Between her family's health issues, and her own scare, she clearly had a lot on her plate.  So I shared that I too have to have the similar tests run.   Hers came back fine, so I am hoping mine do as well.    But because the universe works in funny ways, I have now deemed her my "breast buddy"

10 months.   Sometimes Im in denial, sometimes I want to move on.   A little voice tells me to be patient.   But I dont think its in me.

But I have no choice.   While I am not waiting, I am not going to put my life on pause.   I will continue to work on me, and wait for that day when I know my mind will be made up.

Its not today.

So tonight, I will enjoy a couple of beers.   I wish I could wish her a happy cheataversary, so she can have a drink with me in spirit, but to be honest, she probably doesn't even realize the date.  firetruck the fog.

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#36: November 19, 2020, 05:55:21 PM
LL, thinking good thoughts for you. I hope your results are as good as your buddy’s.

As for the stand or whatever might happen with your W... there are few decisions that are truly irrevocable. At the same time, much like there is no timeline on her MLC, there is no absolute timeline on your stand or your healing process. Just keep making each day the best it can be, and when you have days that aren’t as good as you’d like, love yourself anyway and accept that that’s okay. And know that you have several shoulders to lean on here anytime you need them.
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#37: November 20, 2020, 05:42:23 AM
I have mu fingers toes and hair follicles crossed for you.

When it comes to anniversaries they can sting like a b!tc#. So I usually find a few jokey things to do. It lightens the mood. I haven’t done any this year as I haven’t been triggered. I mentioned on my own thread I’m beginning to feel numb. But one thing I always aloud myself to do was cry. I never bottled anything in. And then I took the p!$$ out of the situation. Weather that be like the gifts I gave clington which I mentioned. Sometimes me and my pals turn onto b!tches and we used to laugh at ow selfies. Anything that helps you cope. Go with it. But for what it’s worth, the first ones always sting the worst.
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#38: November 20, 2020, 06:03:24 PM
Quote
But for what it’s worth, the first ones always sting the worst.

Yep! It does get better. Big hugs and I too will be sending out the good vibes/prayers/juju for good test results.
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#39: November 21, 2020, 05:35:23 PM
Thank you guys for your well wishes and vibes.  I haven't heard anything back, but I am sure I will post what my results are, when they return.

Hugs and gratitude
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#40: November 22, 2020, 02:26:43 AM
My general rule of thumb is no news is good news. Not that it makes it any easier waiting. I remember when D4 was D1 and she had the sweat test for cystic fibrosis. The wait was agonising. It took forever but they said, the give the bad news out first. So no news really was good news and that stick with me.
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#41: November 27, 2020, 08:10:56 PM
Posting before the weekend - when the forum is pretty quiet  ;D

To my American friends, I hope you were able to celebrate your holiday, and gave thanks to what you had - even if its not what you wanted, or expected to be in this weird 2020.

Its been a rough couple of weeks for me.   We are in lockdown here in Toronto.   Its annoying AF as the source of infections seem to be with gatherings, but our government has shut us out of everything and says we need to do our part.   The population of Toronto is 3million, in its core.   Our daily cases hover around 450-500.   The government has said "stay home".  They have forbidden dining, gatherings, shopping, theatres, all of it.  Im getting COVID fatigue.    Im tired of being told what to do when you aren't even citing the source of the issue.    Cancel weddings, fine people having house parties.   Dont confine me to a Stage 1 lockdown for 28 days.   Im getting fed up.

Speaking of getting fed up, Im hitting a fed up point with my marriage.  I had therapy the other day and she noted that I've definitely done a 180 with my W.   And I know we cycle, but right now, Im done.   I get it - its her crisis, and Ive been trying to be empathetic to it, but firetruck that.    Where is my self worth?   Why am I making excuses for her $h!te?   And thats where I sit.   I'm done making excuses for the demise of my marriage.   I'm done "waiting" for her to approach me about divorce.

firetruck her and her actions.   Ya, the anger stage is here.

And Im holding on to it - because Im better than her crisis.   Im not someone who is going to sit idle and wait for her to go through her journey.    I too am going through a journey, and through it, I realize I want more.   I want more than what W offered in our Marriage.   I want more than who she's become.   I want more, than to make excuses for the reasons she's become who she's become.

I haven't done it yet, but I will reach out to her and tell her its time to start settling finances and starting to close out the chapter of our lives.   When I met her, she was "legally" married to her ex still.   She was still sending money to her STBXW for their debt.   So what, Im going to sit here and make excuses about her MLC as to why she's not paying?   firetruck that - its time for her actions to have consequences.

Im angry, this post shows it.   Im going to try to hold on to this anger, for as long as I possibly can because firetruck HER. 

Im done
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#42: November 27, 2020, 08:27:35 PM
LBS-Les -
First, I'm sorry that you're angry.
Anger can be good - as long as you use it constructively and not destructively.
Let it guide you to look inside as to WHY you're angry - besides the fact that your wife is having a MLC, it's not fair and it hurts.
Look deep inside and grow from it - you're still so early into this process.  Standing or not, there's so much healing and growth from going through this process.
We're here for you.
Hoping that your weekend is good, despite covid, despite MLC. 
Self care for yourself is important...
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#43: November 27, 2020, 08:59:36 PM
Thanks Sea.

I've been in the anger stage before, but I've since learned that anger is a secondary emotion to another.   And I still believe that. 

But I've been doing an autopsy of my marriage.   There are values and actions I want from someone who claims to love me.   I cant look back and see that W did that.   I'm starting to see that maybe my M wasn't as great as I thought it was.   I realize now through my journey, I deserve more, I want more, and W was never going to give that to me.

So ya, I'll hold on to the anger as I continue to work through those motions.   But looking back and knowing now, what I want from a partnership, she doesn't fit into my space.

And Im not sure she ever did.

I guess I was living in a fantasy.  Call it limerance, call it co-dependency, call it whatever.  I WANT and DESERVE much more than what W had given me.

And im willing to walk away to let it come to me, some day (I'm not seeking, but I have a strong faith that it will be sent to me)
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#44: November 28, 2020, 06:11:12 AM
I think what your feeling is similar to what a friend of mine was feeling. And I said to her “don’t let your boyfriend stop you finding your husband”. And that seems where you are. That if you keep holding on for your wife, you may miss someone amazing. Because you are 100% right. You do deserve more. You deserve the world and so you should be in search of that.

By thag I don’t just mean, finding another partner. It may be new friends or strengthening existing friendships. It may be anything. But you deserve a life so full of love
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#45: December 17, 2020, 01:27:05 PM
Well, today, to the day, marks 11 months since BD.   The night that forever changed my life.

I realized last night that it was going to be this day, and usually around the week of BD, I slip emotionally.   Last night when I remembered, I was happy.   I was happy because I looked back at what I have done in the last 11 months, and how far I have come from that night.

Today, I woke up happy, I messaged a couple of friend groups who were there for me through thick and thin.   I let them know that they have been an instrumental part of my journey, and that I was truly thankful for the support they've given me in the last months.

Life with a Vanisher, continues.  I do wonder if I will hear from her over the holiday season.   I also wonder if I will reply.   Mentally, Im in a "ah hell naw" state.   I dont think I will reply, should she even choose to reach out.   It's not very lighthouse like, I know.  I just dont think replying serves any purpose.  MLC is a long process, and I dont know that she's ever going to do the work to come out of it.  I no longer want to excuse her $h!tety behaviours and trauma that she's inflicted, because SHES going through some issue.  I'm just done with it all, if I am being honest.  When I look toward my future, she's not in it.  There is love in my future, and I know it, but I dont see her with me when I get those butterflies in my tummy, when I catch my SO stealing a smile as she's watching me, when I am coming up behind my SO to give them a hug while they wash the dishes.   Its not her I see.

Health wise, my results came back - no serious issue to worry about.   Thankful for that.

S is back on the scene.   Nothing has changed there - usual hot and cold mess.   I think to a degree, she's like an MLC'er.   She gets close, then goes cold.  We have conversations, get to know bits about one another, then radio silence falls for a few days or a week at a time.

She had an issue with a family member, and I was trying to talk WITH her through it.   I could sense personal growth as in some ways, I felt my need to "rescue" come up.   She seemed to be hinting that she wanted to maybe meet up and chill after the interaction she had with her family member.  I caught myself getting ready to invite her over, but I thought "Why would you send her an invite?"  We are in total lockdown here, so that breaks protocol and I know inevitably, if she wanted company, she would have said no anyways.   So I threw out suggestions, in the form of questions, as to who she might be able to reach out to (e.g. Are any of your friends free tonight that you could call?"). Its also a bit frustrating as we have had some "physically intimate" discussions, which often results in her withdrawal after LOL. I swear,  I cant make this up.

But what I do know is, I dont place value in her.   I dont personalize her push pull.   She's flat out said that she wants a relationship (not with me, but generally speaking), but she doesn't want to open herself up, she's scared, not emotionally ready to allow herself to be vulnerable, blah blah blah, cliche lesbian dating stuff.   And I dont want a relationship with anyone, let alone her, but I will say that physically, I am most definitely attracted to her.

Christmas is almost here, and I actually feel excitement over the first Christmas without my vanisher.   I was worried the holiday would affect me, and its possible that it may on the actual day, but I am looking forward to spending the day with my small family.   2020 has been one hell of a year, so I am grateful that I still have my family in my life, that I can celebrate with.

Its looking like my city will extend their total lockdown, which likely means that I will be spending NYE at home, doing FaceTime parties.  That doesn't totally bother me, but it would be nice to be with friends, in person.

Keep well - the end of the pandemic is in far sight (well, up here it looks to be LOL).   
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#46: December 17, 2020, 05:23:45 PM
Glad to get an update from you, LL! Your progress toward detachment and your healing seem to be progressing at a remarkable rate. I am so impressed with how you have navigated all of this. Our situations are different in several ways, and I am on a different trajectory as is my MLCer. I don’t know to what extent it is helpful to have a vanisher, but regardless of the contact level, the fact that you can handle milestone dates as a positive thing speaks highly for your self-work.

Always great to hear from you!
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#47: December 17, 2020, 09:02:15 PM
Glad to get an update from you, LL! Your progress toward detachment and your healing seem to be progressing at a remarkable rate. I am so impressed with how you have navigated all of this. Our situations are different in several ways, and I am on a different trajectory as is my MLCer. I don’t know to what extent it is helpful to have a vanisher, but regardless of the contact level, the fact that you can handle milestone dates as a positive thing speaks highly for your self-work.

Always great to hear from you!

Thanks Curiosity - I still read the board and occasionally comment, but I found at times that I was spending too much time here and it wasn't helping me mentally.  So I've been trying to limit my access to twice a day.   And with a Vanisher, there aren't much in terms of updates.   We are approaching one year, so will see if she's gonna pull the "I want a D" card.   I expect things to ramp up in MLC fashion by then.

Dont look at my timeline of recovery LOL.  I think there are a ton of variables that go into everyones recovery from this mess.   I also believe my relationship was shorter in duration, so I guess its taken me 1 month, for each year, to recover.  I think it also helps a great deal that I do not live with my W, let alone be in contact with her.   I'm sure if I had to interact with her, my healing would have stalled out.

And sadly, with that pullback, I have detached emotionally.  I still think of her all the time, but its not a yearning desire or need for her.  I wonder if she's dating, how she's been spending this pandemic, if she's partnered up with anyone, its all there.   But I just tell myself that none of those questions matter as what's most important here is, actions.   Actions show she's off in her fairy tale.  I dont know if she's having the time of her life, or if she lays in bed at all hours, ruminating.   A few weeks back, I did notice she was on WhatsApp at late hours of the night - she used to be asleep on the couch between 9-10pm nightly, in bed by 11pm.  Shes been on after midnight a few times.  Maybe telling someone she got home okay, maybe she's restless and cant sleep, who knows.  I've archived our chats so that I no longer have the ability to hop in and see when she's been online last.  Thats helped tremendously as well.

As for the milestone date - this is the first in which I have felt at peace.   Every other BD Month sent me spiralling.  Today, I am at peace.   I'm okay.

I wake up daily, thank god and the universe for another day, for my animals, for my job, for my apartment to isolate in, for friends and family.  I cant move forward, be grateful, and keep holding on to the past.

As my W says (when she wants to portray that life is grand) "Onwards and Upwards!"
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#48: December 18, 2020, 06:01:03 AM
Hello,

Quote
I still read the board and occasionally comment, but I found at times that I was spending too much time here and it wasn't helping me mentally.  So I've been trying to limit my access to twice a day.

Good for you, I try to limit myself as well. I generally spend the early morning hours reading and posting to mentally wake me up, to get the mind prepared for the day. Despite all that has happened, you still need to participate in the real world.

I get the anger. At first I was angry and focused on OM, then I shifted to my Ex. Nothing wrong with anger if it you use it to motivate yourself to move forward. It becomes an issue if you use it to justify lashing out at others. Acknowledging the anger and flushing it from the system is a step towards understanding your pain.  Just know the pain is still there and you need to heal.

Quote
I wonder if she's dating, how she's been spending this pandemic, if she's partnered up with anyone, its all there.

Those questions go on for a long time. I am happily married and the divorce happened seven years ago and I still wonder what her life is like now. We have not spoke for over a  year and limited text messages as well. I just figure she lives her life with ups and downs just like me. She doesn't live in paradise and she isn't in the suburbs of hades either.

Quote
Today, I am at peace.   I'm okay.

That is so good for you. Peace will allow you to take a different perspective on yourself and how to find yourself in a better place with someone who truly appreciates and loves you.

Have an amazing weekend,

((((Ready)))))

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#49: December 18, 2020, 09:13:38 PM
You sound very good LL  :D

Very healthy and detached. Yeah, the actual day could be a little different than you think....... big days are funny that way, especially when it's the 1st time. That's ok though..... even if it sneaks up on you, that's natural...... healthy even. I'd say if it does try to grab onto you, don't push it away. It's needed.

-SS
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#50: December 21, 2020, 01:09:14 PM

Hello,


I get the anger. At first I was angry and focused on OM, then I shifted to my Ex. Nothing wrong with anger if it you use it to motivate yourself to move forward. It becomes an issue if you use it to justify lashing out at others. Acknowledging the anger and flushing it from the system is a step towards understanding your pain.  Just know the pain is still there and you need to heal.


Ya, my anger is solely directed at her.   I am not angry in other aspects of my life, and to be honest, Im not angry WITH her.   Just the thought of dealing WITH her is what makes me mad.   


You sound very good LL  :D

Very healthy and detached. Yeah, the actual day could be a little different than you think....... big days are funny that way, especially when it's the 1st time. That's ok though..... even if it sneaks up on you, that's natural...... healthy even. I'd say if it does try to grab onto you, don't push it away. It's needed.

-SS

Thanks SS,

I realize the day could be an emotional one, but I am actually looking forward to spending time with my family.   I think hearing from my W would be what sets me back on that day, not the day itself

I guess Christmas might be the playbook for December 30 and NYE.   December 30th would have been our 10 year anniversary together.   I won't acknowledge it, as its not my present.   But I wonder if she will

Then, theres NYE.  I suspect if I dont hear from her at Christmas, I won't hear from her on NYE.

Our province just announced an extended lockdown until January 23rd.  This cements my NYE at home, alone.   I may go see my mom and brother if I get lonely, I may do Facetimes with Friends.

Either way, it will be an opportunity for a new year, new beginning.
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#51: December 22, 2020, 01:05:38 AM
We’re not in full lockdown. Where I am we’re in tiers. However they say there will be a review on 30th December but I know nothing much is going to change. The rules for my tiers are I can mix with other households. Rule of 6 and all so I may have some friends over. I’m not too sure what I do.

I think, it would be good if on December 30th you make yourself a new tradition. Maybe celebrate your new life? Something that makes you happy. I used to acknowledge my BD and anniversaries in a jokey way. It helped me find the humour in the situation. I needed that then. I’m not sure I do anymore so I probably won’t do it this year. But it defo helped me find something new to do as it took my focus off what that day would have been.
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#52: December 22, 2020, 09:42:16 AM
We’re not in full lockdown. Where I am we’re in tiers. However they say there will be a review on 30th December but I know nothing much is going to change. The rules for my tiers are I can mix with other households. Rule of 6 and all so I may have some friends over. I’m not too sure what I do.

I think, it would be good if on December 30th you make yourself a new tradition. Maybe celebrate your new life? Something that makes you happy. I used to acknowledge my BD and anniversaries in a jokey way. It helped me find the humour in the situation. I needed that then. I’m not sure I do anymore so I probably won’t do it this year. But it defo helped me find something new to do as it took my focus off what that day would have been.

We too are on a tiered base system.  My city is in full lockdown, but the province was not.   So now the province is playing catch up to my city as the province as a whole is now in lockdown.  So as a single person, I can only associate with one other household.

I dont feel a need to find a different way to celebrate the 30th.   I recognize that this day is part of my past, and not my present.   I'll likely have emotions, but I dont think it will be as strong as my wedding anniversary was, months after BD.  11 months later, Im in a much different place mentally, and I've mostly moved on.

If the day does get bad, I will look to find a new way to celebrate LOL
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#53: December 22, 2020, 03:27:02 PM
I won’t get into the ins and outs of the farce of what’s going on over here ha but I think this $hit show isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Unless your in a country that handled it well at the start NZ for example.

It’s really your call what you do on the 30th. Everyone has to find their own coping mechanisms. However just know this will be the worst you’ve ever had of this event. It won’t get any worse. The 30th December 2021 will be easier, and 2022 easier than that. It’s kinda how it rolls. So there’s always that, that once the 31st rolls around you’ll know it’ll never get worse than that.
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#54: December 26, 2020, 09:17:03 AM
Merry Christmas, fellow LBS'ers, and Happy Holidays!

I woke up yesterday, with my usual Christmas excitement.  I was smiling, happy to have made it this far in the $h!te show that has been 2020, and full of gratitude knowing that despite what this year has been, I would be spending it in good company with my mom and my brother.  When I look back to the year, I remember worrying about how horrible it would be at Christmas.  How I would be reminded of my situation, and be spending it without my W.   But yesterday, I was happy.  All those worries I had earlier in the year, did not surface.  It wasn't as painful as I thought it would be.   The lesson here is, you cant worry about the future because you dont know if the future actually holds what you think it will.  If you would have told me 6 months ago that I would have actually enjoyed Christmas, I would have told ya youre crazy.

It was nice - I had moments of sadness, but they didn't consume me the entire day.   There were two moments where I silently had some tears in my eyes, about not seeing or hearing from W on that day.   I sat with it, felt it, shared what I was feeling in that moment, with my family, and moved on.

And then I remembered the good that comes with not having my MLC'er around.   Last year, we had a huge fight on Christmas morning.   Last year, she just wasn't into Christmas.   Her shopping was left to the last minute, she was ambivalent to the holiday, she didn't share her usual excitement.   It was clear that it was a chore for her.  But thats the anger stage, and a month before BD.  SO why would she want to celebrate Christmas when she was secretly plotting her atomic bomb drop exit?

As I was cooking yesterday, I was reminded of the same argument we would have yearly.   We would boil the giblets from the turkey, for the animals to eat (I always give the dog and cat a Christmas plate of turkey, potato, corn).  She would always want to "season" the giblets, and that would include onions, or onion powder.   Well, onion is toxic to animals and she would argue that only a little bit would be fine, but the meat needs flavour!   Ya, they are animals, they dont care for seasoning, thanks.    So yesterday, I was able to cook the giblets and neck, in just water.   JUST WATER.  And it felt nice to be able to make it without the hassle of her nagging LOL

Christmas Eve was spent with friends, on google meet chat.   We all got quite toasty and had a few laughs, it was a great distraction for the eve of a holiday.   Tonight, I have a chat booked with my queer friends (we always call our get togethers "Queers and Beers"), and so  have that to look forward to.  Making the best out of this pandemic, and isolation.

I did not hear from W yesterday and to be honest, at times it did sting and brought me some sadness.   Sadness that after almost 10 years together, we are now strangers.   Sadness that she wouldn't have even found the time in her day to send a simple "Merry Christmas".   Maybe she didn't want to ruin my day, maybe shes back at the "I hate LBS_LES stage", maybe she spent the day with a partner and that just makes it easier to not reach out.   Either way, it did sting, but I believe that I manifested this silence as I have said that I dont want to hear from her.   Maybe I should test this manifestation theory out and manifest that she reaches out in the next few days to wish me a happy holiday, you know, for science  8)

But as this year rounds itself out, I realized last night, that I finally have almost hit "the year of firsts", and there won't be milestones to dread.   As I approach one year of BD, there will no longer be that first valentines apart, first anniversary apart, birthday, Christmas, New Years, etc.   My ride is almost over.

And that leaves the road of possibilities, wide open.

I hope you were all able to enjoy the holiday season, despite the difficulty of it all.   I hope for those of you new or still struggling, you were able to enjoy the moments you were able to have this holiday season, without your MLCer.
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#55: December 26, 2020, 09:43:10 AM
What a great update, LL! So happy you were able to enjoy the day and not be caught up too much in the MLCer. Particularly given that last Christmas was a difficult one. Really lovely that you had and have some remote gatherings with friends planned.

Congratulations on approaching the end of that first year. The milestones are challenges, maybe more in our anticipation of them than in the actual milestones themselves. Having made it through a year soon, you won’t have that same level of dread that comes the first time you approach a significant date. That must feel like a huge relief.
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#56: December 28, 2020, 06:02:24 AM
Your almost on the home straight LbS. Once these firsts are over with your fine and dandy, so to speak. I mean things can and will still sting because that’s life.  But the first always stings more than the second and second more than the third etc. I remember at BD I physically struggled to sleep without clington in bed with me. And yet last night I was out like a light and slept like a log.

I’m so glad you had a lovely Christmas with family and friends.
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#57: December 28, 2020, 06:13:49 AM
LL, I loved reading this:

I woke up yesterday, with my usual Christmas excitement.  I was smiling... If you would have told me 6 months ago that I would have actually enjoyed Christmas, I would have told ya youre crazy.

But as this year rounds itself out, I realized last night, that I finally have almost hit "the year of firsts", and there won't be milestones to dread.   As I approach one year of BD, there will no longer be that first valentines apart, first anniversary apart, birthday, Christmas, New Years, etc.   My ride is almost over.

And that leaves the road of possibilities, wide open.


Great message, and a good thing to always keep in your mind as life continues to happen - even when other things inevitably come along to throw wrenches in your plans (because that's life, right?), it's clear you have ability to work through anything.
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#58: January 04, 2021, 02:47:48 PM
Happy New Year LBS Fam!

Thanks Nas, Sacha and Curiosity for replying.   While I dont always reply, please know I do appreciate the time y'all take to respond, and I read them with great thought.   Sometimes, Im just not in a place to respond.

What a rough week.  My god.  I kept meaning to get on here and journal, but the thought of doing so felt so daunting (see above LOL)

Christmas was good as I previously posted.   After Christmas, the first few days were still decent.   I had met remotely with friends on Boxing Day, and then the day after, against all lockdown orders, I went over to visit Friend, who I have posted about before.   We had some drinks, watched a movie, and even cuddled!  I did end up spending the night (not intimately), and woke up at 5am and since I couldn't get back to sleep, I figured I was sober enough to drive home.  It was nice laying with someone and having them stroke my hair and rub my back, while I curled into them.   Physical touch is definitely my receiving LL, so I did cherish the moment as touch is something I have most definitely missed during the pandemic.

My 10 year anniversary came and went with silence from my W.  To be honest, it stung.  Did she not reach out because I didn't reach out at Christmas time?  Are we in some sort of NC stand off?   Does she even know (or did she know) what day it was?  I tried to chalk it up that this anniversary is part of my past and isn't to be celebrated anymore, but it stung to not even get a belated Xmas message on this day, if even to just open the door to wish me well.

NYE came and I had a couple of facetime calls with different circles of friends.   I rang in the new year, kept on with my friends and then logged off around 1am.   And then I cried.   Realizing that 2021 is here, that my W is still vanished, that we have moved into being strangers.  So, I had a good cry and then went to bed.

January 1 was hard as well.   Still not a word from my W.   No belated NY wishes, nothing.   The lines have been drawn.

Friend messaged me at 2am to see if I was still up - booty call after the other nights cuddle session? LOL.   So I messaged her back the next day, she asked what I was going to be doing for the day, and I told her that it was a bit of an emotional one for me, so I planned on laying on the couch watching movies or TV, eating Chinese food and crying at random moments in between.   And so I did.  And here we are.   Its the 4th day of a new year.  I realize that I still have a lot of hurt in my heart.   My abandonment wounds, while they have been tended to, are not healed, and abandonment can send me spiralling, to this day.  I am meeting my therapist on Wednesday, so I hope to unpack a lot of this with her.

S did message me Christmas morning, very early.   It was a nice surprise to wake up and see something from her.   Shes still hot and cold, and I think shes showing some semblance of approaching her mid life crisis.   Emotionally, I dont need to get attached to that, but if she wants me to be her "replay" friend, I may not object to that either, isn't MLC sex supposed to be wild? LOL   We also chatted throughout NYE and she messaged me right after midnight to wish me a Happy NYE.   Her actions and words never align, so while I appreciate the sentiment, I am not reading into her contact for special holidays.

Other than that, today was my first day back to work after a holiday.   Needless to say, I didn't do a damn thing (woke up early to sign on, went back to bed until around noon).   I have no idea how I will ever be expected to pretend to work, in an office location, ever again LOL

Good thing the pandemic is still raging, which means WFH will extend into God knows when.   And I am okay with that.   2021 will be a focus to use the money I am saving by staying home, to start denting some of the credit mess my W left behind (my credit is good, but my balances need some tending to).

Hope everyone is staying safe.   Some pretty crazy times out there, but I won't let the start of 2021 drive what I think the year will look like.

After all, 2020 showed us that anything and everything is possible.   And here we are, trying to survive and thrive in all the rubble.


Oh and edit:   I seem to have a fear of running out of time, that seemingly has entered my mind.   I had an injury from the summer that only recently healed, so I am back to being able to do intense at home work outs, which feels great.   But I have been having feelings of "10 years with my ex flew by so fast, how fast will the next 10 come, and will I even survive til then?"

Anyone else struggle with these thoughts after BD? 
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#59: January 04, 2021, 03:15:38 PM
LL, sorry to hear that the holidays have been challenging, though it’s good that you are seeing your therapist to work through some of it. But I think you’re right on the money... those abandonment wounds get torn open pretty easily this time of year. Maybe always to some extent, but especially when the wound is fairly new or if you have had multiple wounds.

I am glad you have friends for remote socializing as well as at least some people you can see in person. As for S and being the “replay friend,” well... I can’t speak from experience about how wild they are in MLC, but given how selfish they are in all other areas, I wouldn’t necessarily expect much different there. But as long as you know the situation for what it is, you do whatever seems like it would be good for your journey.

Glad to see you back and updating. This is a hard time of year and it’s been a hard year in general, so getting through all of that is definitely worth commemoration.
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#60: January 06, 2021, 04:07:38 PM
Working my way through everyone’s updates. Phew getting there!

But it seems very much so like your away of the situation. Even if you know the situation with S isn’t what it all seems and I hope; should you venture into anything there. The knowing protects your heart!
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#61: January 11, 2021, 03:18:49 PM
Well, it finally happened - W went FB official with her "twu love", a man.   A friend shes known for so many years, one that encourages her, looks past her past blah blah blah.   

Apparently, she changed her status to In a relationship, not realizing that people would see it on their timeline, so in typical MLC fashion, she had to make a post - it reads:

"In 2021, I will Fly.   I recently changed my status to in a relationship, not realizing it still automatically posts to your timeline.   When I did realize, my first reaction was panic and quickly spiralled down to a black hole of "what ifs".  What if its too soon, what if people judge me, what if Im perceived as boastful or insensitive, what if what if what if.

I stopped myself.  I have viewed to let go of shame and guilt about my past.  I have vowed to be happy.   I am in a relationship, with a man who has been my friend for years, a man who has been there for me, supported me, encouraged me.   A relationship that started off as an amazing friendship and has turned into an even more amazing love.   he makes me happy and fulfilled in a way and with a love, that I am just experiencing for the first time.   I have jumped, and perhaps I could fall.   Or perhaps, I can finally fly"

It hurts.  It really hurts.  For the record, I have her blocked on all social media.  But she kept my family on there, and my moms best friend called and asked what the eff is going on with W's post.   So my mom looked.   She sat on it for a few hours - torn about whether or not she should tell me.   So she showed up at my apartment door crying, said she needs to talk, she has something to share.   I thought something happened to my brother, I thought something happened to someone, she was so distraught.  And she told me.  And she cried.   She cried because my Ex GF left me for a man, and I have struggled with it.   She knew this would devastate me, but wanted me to hear from her, before all my friends start checking up on me.

And to be fair, I expected this.   My W went vanisher on me, so I knew there was someone else.   I suspected there was a man, or was going to be a man.   Its MLC right?  But it hurts.  Ive not stopped crying for 12 hours.

Im mad.   Im mad she couldn't ask for a damn divorce before going public, knowing FULL WELL you still have my mother on my FB.  She knew this would get back to me, theres no way she didn't think it would.  Im mad, because I gave 10 years of my life to someone I dont recognize.  I'm mad because shes been nothing but a coward.   Shes not asked for her divorce, and she cant say "I dont know how shes going to react if I do", and then put a post like this up.

Shame and guilt about your past?  Ya you should be.  You've cheated on BOTH your wives.  Oh and the kicker?  She didn't have male friends, so this "friend" is someone from her past.  A friend of her and her ex wife.   They used to always do drugs together.  Classic MLC, run to the past.

Its opened a pandoras box of hurt that I haven't experienced in months.  It's left me wondering if he was the one she cheated on me with, all along.  She is incapable of being firetrucking honest for a damn minute.   And I would have died on a sword for her, thats how much I loved her. 

I know I'll be okay.  I know this is the closure. 

I have blocked her from all forms of communication - I dont want her to suddenly get a conscience and reach out.   The only place she can get a hold of me, is through work email.

Maybe she was trying to get my attention.   Maybe she was waiting for me to message her a flurry of hateful words.  But I've changed, and that was the old me.  So I do what's best for me, and thats to not engage, and protect myself from any further harm from her.  I've asked my mother and brother to remove her from FB so that my mother isn't filled with the guilt of whatever comes next.   Maybe shell get pregnant - thats MLC outcomes, no? That will hurt since we tried to have kids, but for my heart, I need to protect myself

I think the ultimate irony of all of this is, she hated my Ex GF for what she did to me.  And now, my W has basically replicated what my ex gf did.  Cheat, blow things up, start sleeping with men.

You cant make this $h!te up
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#62: January 11, 2021, 03:29:10 PM
LL, I’m sorry to hear this. No matter how much time and effort we spend detaching, it seems like they have a particular talent for finding our vulnerable spots.

Please take care of yourself, accept the support of friends and family, journal here as needed. I am certainly no expert on detachment - far from it - but feel free to reach out if you need an ear.
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#63: January 11, 2021, 03:53:02 PM
LL, I’m sorry to hear this. No matter how much time and effort we spend detaching, it seems like they have a particular talent for finding our vulnerable spots.

Please take care of yourself, accept the support of friends and family, journal here as needed. I am certainly no expert on detachment - far from it - but feel free to reach out if you need an ear.

Vulnerable spot, indeed.   Im not suggesting she is sucking d!ck to get to my vulnerable spot, but she had to know I would find out one day, and that she would be a replication of my past.   One she hated soooooo much.

I have a great support system, and for that I am grateful.   I've had people drop what their doing to talk me through this.   I know I will be okay, thats one thing her crisis has taught me.   Thank you for your kind offer.   its great to know there are others going through the same BS.

But for now, I will cry, I will self medicate in beer.  I will let my feelings and insecurities flow.   This is how I heal.
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Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#64: January 11, 2021, 05:17:30 PM
Sorry that you got a gut punch. Her comment about her past had to hurt. It is hard to digest having spent time with someone you thought loved you for the long term turn out to be a cut and run type. When I could drink beer I relied on Doctor Antonio Modelo aka Modelo beer. If you´re gonna drown your sorrows in beer, let it be good beer.

Hugs,
FTT
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#65: January 11, 2021, 05:41:37 PM
Big hugs! Your support system is so solid. Your mother's reaction is so touching. It's gonna hurt like hell for awhile, but this is how healing starts.

In a way, even though it will not feel like this for a long time, it's kind of vindicating she's done it in such an overt way that shows all who know you exactly how wacko she is, front and center. All of the "Eat, Pray, Love" ideology will just make her look that much more foolish in the end. But anything about her right now doesn't matter. Go into total self-care mode and be as kind to YOU as you can be.
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Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#66: January 11, 2021, 06:16:28 PM
Sorry that you got a gut punch. Her comment about her past had to hurt. It is hard to digest having spent time with someone you thought loved you for the long term turn out to be a cut and run type. When I could drink beer I relied on Doctor Antonio Modelo aka Modelo beer. If you´re gonna drown your sorrows in beer, let it be good beer.

Hugs,
FTT

My STBW is Mexican, so I can relate to a frosty Modelo - but tonight, I stick with the low carb, Michelob Ultra.   Gotta keep this divorce diet body, lean and mean.    8)


Big hugs! Your support system is so solid. Your mother's reaction is so touching. It's gonna hurt like hell for awhile, but this is how healing starts.

In a way, even though it will not feel like this for a long time, it's kind of vindicating she's done it in such an overt way that shows all who know you exactly how wacko she is, front and center. All of the "Eat, Pray, Love" ideology will just make her look that much more foolish in the end. But anything about her right now doesn't matter. Go into total self-care mode and be as kind to YOU as you can be.

Thanks Ready - its true that her circus is front and centre, for all the world to see.   Most of my "good friends" have removed her, so not all know what's happening other than what I tell them.   I knew there was someone else in the picture when my ex unfriended everyone on Instagram - that was my confirmation that she didn't want to be judged for what she posted. 

Thank you all for your replies - what I love about this site is, I dont often get replies, and I realize that its because "mostly", Ive been in a good space.   Each time I post when im not in a good place, you fine folk are here to validate and support.   And for that, I am grateful.
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#67: January 11, 2021, 10:48:46 PM
I'm very sorry for the gut punch too. And sorry that your mum had to be part of your sorrow, but grateful that you have such a loving support system (which of course says a great deal about the kind of person you are)

In case it helps to be reminded of simple truths that are easy to see from the cheap seats outside......

Unless your w is 15 lol.....or a Kardashian.....this kind of social media 'what if I fly' BS is NOT how healthy adults behave or think....it's extraordinarily narcissistic and immature. Even more so tbh in these covid times when thousands of people are dying and everyone is suffering to some degree. But hey  ::)....we should all care about your w's 'flight'  ::)  >:(

Folks with that kind of mindset do things like this imho bc they simply don't care about anyone else's feelings but their own.....or it's a kind of passive-aggressive cowardice as an alternative to behaving like a decent honest adult. Tbh most of these MLCers are less Machiavellian and more like emotional toddlers than we give them credit for being, so if it is any small comfort, your w probably did not do this with the intention of wounding or humiliating you...the bad news is that she simply did not care about anyone but herself.

And as you probably know....but might not feel in your bones yet....these folks treat everyone as objects. You, friends, children, family, affair partners....it really is all about them, about how something or someone makes them feel about themselves.  Which is why they are so toxic for normal healthy humans to be around.

Will this be her 'new happy'? Who knows? It will bother you for a while bc it will feel so unjust if it looks that way, I know. And tbh it rarely seems to work out that way for these folks bc a different human is no more likely to fill that dark hole in them than we were.mBut what you will see with time is that her current kind of happy is not your kind of happy, that your life and spirit will be better without this kind of damaged person in your life, that it was never about you and that your real tribe is out there.

An old poster told me once that the LBS/MLC story is like the tortoise and the hare almost always from story after story here. The MLC hare runs off loudly proclaiming their newfound delight and waving around all their new shiny toys....things, people, social media posts....while the LBS tortoise slogs through the mud of grief and the rubble of a blown up life. But then, bit by bit, bc we do the work honestly the LBS tortoise starts to rebuild a good life with good people and good things......and just about that point, maybe 3-4 years or so, those darned adult consequences start to bite the a$$ of the MLC hare. In entirely predictable ways that we might think won't happen bc our ex or situation is 'different' lol....but tbh the playbook of the disordered does seem to have a pretty limited playlist.  :) And that is often the point when the LBS tortoise realises that they would not want to reconnect with the hare if they came with a free six pack and a sports car lol. That even with detachment, these folks bring too much drama and damage once they unravel to this extent, no matter how much we love/loved them. That truthfully, even with a kind generous eye, they stopped being good and healthy enough for US, not the other way round.....

But right now, I get that it doesn't feel that way at all, that it probably feels like another BD, that it maybe feels like something that was done to you or bc you weren't 'enough' in some way, that you don't feel like you are 'flying' at all right now. Lots of different emotions which feel more true at that moment even if, with time, you will come to see that they are not as true as they feel. And i am very sorry for this time of pain, my friend, really sorry.
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« Last Edit: January 11, 2021, 11:06:59 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#68: January 12, 2021, 10:24:37 AM
I think the post was a very “look at me. I’m so happy now. It’s LBS who was the problem” etc etc. However, let’s be honest, if any of us saw a post like that, from someone we knew who spent 10 years married to a woman...who was now suddenly oh so happy with a man. We would know they were “coocoo” and so a good 99.9% of the people who do see that post, will be thinking the same as you. So you, my friend, are not the crazy one.

This sucks raw @$$ but then you knew it would. But now you know, you can move forward   
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#69: January 12, 2021, 11:38:26 AM
Yes, the “look at me, look how happy and evolved and wonderful I am” is very script, which doesn’t make it easier but at least now it’s out there. Love Treasur’s tortoise/hare analogy, and I find it reassuring to think that even if they are seemingly walking away with no consequences, the consequences of their choices will catch up to them eventually (though it’s hard not to get a bit impatient for that result).

The assessment of the whole “what if I fly” attitude is spot on as well - they can gaslight all they want about how evolved they are, how they have this superior emotional intelligence ans are all self-actualized; nothing will change the fact that their actions are completely self-absorbed and disloyal and juvenile and destructive. And to Sacha’s point, anyone who really knows her will be able to see through the facade sooner or later. If they truly care about her they might call her out on it, if they are enablers they will go along with it especially if it helps them in some way. But they will know. And eventually, so will she.
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#70: January 13, 2021, 04:58:19 AM
Just wanted to pop on and say I understand: after 8 months of reconnection, H told me he was leaving the day before thanksgiving. Now he’s got stuff plastered on social media that he was giving presents to a woman on December 4. I know he met her during our separation. I don’t know the details and I don’t care. But just wanted you to know that these MLCers really can punch us in the gut.
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#71: January 16, 2021, 11:08:08 AM
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.  I will come back and respond, when I have the mental capacity to do so.

Today is one year from BD.

So much to want to say, no energy to type it out.  The mental exhaustion of the past week is too much.  Im coming out of it, but theres some stuff still lingering on.

Thank you all for your heartfelt messages and support
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Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#72: January 16, 2021, 11:30:39 AM
Just sending hugs.
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#73: January 16, 2021, 12:45:52 PM
LL, thinking of you today. I am here if you need anything.
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#74: January 19, 2021, 10:12:31 AM
Once the firsts are out the way, honestly it soon becomes plain sailing.

I can only echo what you already know but YOU’VE GOT THIS
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#75: January 20, 2021, 06:42:14 PM
Sending some (((HUGS)))

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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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#76: January 25, 2021, 02:17:16 PM
Thank you all for the hugs and love.

At times, it almost seems pointless to update.   Obviously with a Vanisher, theres not often anything to say.   And with my city being in full lockdown since November 23rd, I LITERALLY cannot GAL.  I guess there are some updates though.

BD was on the 16th.   I was speaking to someone on that day, and the topic of my ex W came up.   I had distanced myself from this person as my Ex made a point of telling me that L supports her, and wants the best for her, and "nananana boo boo".  This was before MLC script, so I of course was taken back that someone that I looked up to as a parental unit, someone who was my "family" for almost 20 years, would support the choices my W had made.   And so I figured I would step back and let her actions show if shes supportive of me or W or both.   Needless to say, we didn't remain in contact much throughout the past year.  This woman is my best friends mother, and she took me in when my mother wouldn't let me move back home after I dropped out of university.   

So we spoke and I brought up that I took a step back because of what ex W had said.   Well she was taken aback because that was absolutely not how the conversation went, at all.  She sent me a screen shot and it read "Not sure what's happened between the two of you, and I am absolutely sorry to hear about things.   As you know, LBS_Les is like a daughter to me, so I will always support her and be there for her.  Im so sorry things ended up this way between you". 

Then, I forget how it came up as I was drinking beers on BD night, but she apparently was recently in touch with my Ex W, for reasons I am unsure of.   She sent me the screenshots of those and it basically read, "We all end up on a journey at some point in our lives.  Im glad you have found happiness with your new partner.   LBS_Les has been on a journey this year herself, and she has a strong following behind her, and huge support system.   Im glad you have found happiness, I truly am" (Not sure why she wanted to say that, but I digress).   So my Ex W responds to the lines of "What we had was genuine, and I know you know that.  But the truth is, I tried for a really long time to make it work, and it just didn't.   Im glad she has a support system behind her, shes lucky to have you all in her life"

EFF YOU.   This obviously sent me in a rage that night, and still makes me angry to this day.  You tried?  You tried nothing.   You couldn't even let me know you were working late because it was too much work to tell me that you would be working late, or not home for dinner.   I didn't ask for much, I asked for the bare minimum, and she couldn't give it to me, so to see her STILL spinning such a $h!te narrative, hurts and angers me.   But it mostly disappoints me since shes still balls deep (literally now that theres OM) in the fog.

So I call my mom to unleash my fury and we end up on the phone for a few hours.   I get off the phone and notice my group chat is popping off the charts.   Well, our friends had their baby, the night of BD.   That was enough to break the emotional levy that I had been trying so hard to keep propped on that day. 

The next day, I awoke and had a couple of revelations.  Amazing how clear the mind is once you put the Michelob Ultra down LOL.   I realized that the universe brought this beautiful baby in the world so that I could reclaim the day.   So that I can remember the 16th not as BD, but as the day this sweet boy was born.  I realized that my emotional reaction to the conversation I had with my parental figure friend, was just showing me that I still have wounds that need healing.   That I'm not as detached if I am hurt and worked up by her continued rewrite of history, lies and fake happiness.    And so I made a vow to myself to address those issues.   To get back into my routine of looking after me, finding joy in things I like.   Its been hard being locked in an apartment all day and all night, only getting out for groceries, or to walk my dog twice a day. 

I used to heavily trade stocks.  I made a lot of rookie moves and blew up my account, and have been making some safe investments in an untouchable fund, to try to regrow my savings.  I decided that I had a bit of disposable income this month, so I threw some into my day trading account, and made a point of planning what I want to trade, and strategies on how I will do it in a way that encourages slow growth.   And that paid off when I decided to buy into Gamestop.   If you dont follow the markets, you won't know, but basically, the short squeeze of the century is brewing, and Im finally on the right side of a trade.   (Friday it closed at $65/share and at one point today, it hit $159 a share).  No, Im not a millionaire.  I had a plan and I stuck with it.   So I sold off my initial investment, and am still holding remaining shares that I topped up on when there were some wild dips in price).  I also got into another successful share, stuck with my strategy and closed my position for a 30% profit.   Rome wasn't built in a day, and I dont want to hit the jackpot because of Divorce, but small growth is in the plan and on my radar.  I enjoy the technical analysis of how a stock moves, or implied moves, so its been a good distraction.

I've also shifted into trying to be a lot more positive in my energy.   I've been positive with my thinking, but I do ruminate on things with my ex W, and that attracts negative vibrations.   So now, when I play scenarios in my mind, find myself having imaginary conversations, I stop myself, close my eyes, go to my chasm, and say affirmations that are related to my positive space, growth, healing, energy.   Basically, I choose to channel my energy to myself and all the positive things I deserve and will receive, as a means to stop thinking of her.   Naturally, I still think of her, but Im getting better at discipline in how LONG I ruminate on our situation.

Not much else on the other fronts.   Things with S are meh......Im starting to detach from her too - not because of my fear of abandonment, but because as I work on myself and build my value (like stocks, she's highly undervalued right now, and her opportunities are endless - she is me), I realize I am not going to settle for less than her "hey how are you?" texts when shes bored.

I was talking to another friend the other day, and she told me that someone I met back in the fall at her party, had asked my friend if I was single because (in her words) "She's soooooo good looking, and I would totally be down for that".  Naturally, shes a straight woman - WHY ARE THE STRAIGHTS ALWAYS ATTRACTED TO ME ?!?!?!?! LOL. Im in no position to be involved with anyone (she's also not my type), but it felt nice to hear that.   But it just confirms that one day, when I am ready, the opportunities will be endless.

And lastly, I have had a lot of connections with acquaintances (verbally due to lockdown), and they have all said kind words to me about my journey and my growth.   Most of them didn't want to "broach" the subject with me but I guess after my W went public, they decided it was time to let me know that I am a badass b!tc#.

So, I have lots to be thankful for, and for that, I am.   I express gratitude daily, for a multitude of reasons.

The road to healing is windy as firetrucking hell, and at times, I wish for the waves and pain that comes in those waves, to end.   But I am grateful that I am experiencing them, because each wave has an underlying lesson for me to learn.
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#77: January 25, 2021, 02:41:19 PM
LL, thanks for updating - vanisher W or clinger W, the update we really care about is yours, and it seems you are making amazing progress. I love the stock analogy - and yes, you’re right that you are undervalued with endless opportunities for growth.

It’s also wonderful that what had been a difficult calendar date can now be associated with new life. And clearing the air with L, getting to the truth and pushing aside your ex’s script... one more step in the healing process.
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#78: January 30, 2021, 04:32:21 AM
i havent stopped laughing at the 'shes balls deep' well literally she has om comment.

Your interaction with the straight girl, reminds me of that scene in pitch perfect, where she says 'You know im straight right?' and she replies 'So is spaghetti until its wet' But it does seem strange.  I mean coming from a straight woman, i can appreciate a womans beauty, and be like OMG WOW YOUR BEAUTIFUL. But i wouldnt jump into bed with them.

But like you said, dont hit the jackpot until your divorced. Unless you can hire a $h!te hot lawyer who has offshore accounts.....If thats a thing where you are.
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#79: January 31, 2021, 01:34:10 PM
Your interaction with the straight girl, reminds me of that scene in pitch perfect, where she says 'You know im straight right?' and she replies 'So is spaghetti until its wet' But it does seem strange. 

My friends used to nick name me the spaghetti slayer, long before pitch perfect came along (back when I was single before I met my Ex).

Straight until they are wet, used to be my motto.  I've grown up a lot more now and dont say that to women.   But that doesn't mean opportunities to drop my favourite line, won't happen in 2022, when this lockdown is over  ;D
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#80: February 21, 2021, 04:25:51 PM
The roller coaster is not for the faint of heart, my word

I dont know what has been happening, but I have been quite emotional for the last 4 days.   Uncontrollably crying, irrational thoughts about my W, the constant monkey braining.   Nothing has transpired, obviously.   But I've been waking up each day, tired of the limbo.  Tired of waiting for her to start her divorce, tired of her silence.   Ive been wrestling with just messaging her to say "lets start the process."   But realistically, I'm not emotionally prepared to deal with her, and the untanglement of our entanglement.   So if Im not ready, why does it consume me?  Every day I write a journal of an email that I want to send to her to let her know I have had enough of the limbo, and am ready to move forward with the divorce.   Then I think of work, which is incredibly busy right now, so I wouldn't have the time to take this personal item on - I am booked in meetings from 9am - 5pm, I do not have the capacity to deal with it.   I also dont have the capacity to work with her on settling the things that need to be settled, before I sign on any divorce.

In a moment of boredom (coming on 3 months of lockdown in my city, with another extension until March 8th - IVE HAD IT) I download tinder again.   Do some swiping, match with a girl, get chatting - I see you fake account.  And the pool of single lesbians is so grim - so after bot unmatched me when they figured out I was on to them, I deleted the app again LOL.   And the whole time I had it up, I felt guilt.   I felt guilt about throwing a profile up - like how can I proclaim to be happily single if Im on a dating app?  My intention is nothing romantic, maybe some Pandemic chats, maybe make some new friends, maybe just meet someone to get out and do something.   Yet im riddled with guilt.   Guilt about doing so, guilt about trying to hold off on anything until Im divorced, guilt that my W could potentially be on there, despite having OM, looking for me.   As if I dont want her to feel validated in her choices with OM and absolving herself of guilt if she knew I was dating.   Like I am trying to prove a point of some kind to her, so if shes lurking apps looking for me, she won't find me, and seemingly wonder why.  Monkey Braining

I guess in a way, Divorce scares me.   Its the finality of it for me.   I've tried not to get addicted to hopium.  Statistically, the chance of reconnection is slim with a vanisher.  And I've changed, I am a different person, and I dont know that we are even remotely compatible anymore, or ever will be.   D will be the end for me.   Shut the door, move on, good riddance. 

But Im also afraid about the divorce process - Im afraid that I will get run over with the debt, that she will make it difficult and not work with me to pay back the money she spent on MY credit cards - because they are solely in my name due to her $h!te credit history.  I'm afraid that the recourse will be to hire a L which will cost me more money than what its worth if she plans on fighting me every step of the way.  I am overwhelmed, I am lost.  Yes, go talk to a lawyer - got it.   But I have 3 free consults with a lawyer available through work, but I dont want to use them this early on in the game, if Im not fully prepared to pull the trigger.

I feel I need to D to fully close this chapter and move forward.   I'm tired of the emotions that have recently surfaced.   I am tired of being here, 13 months later and still crying over someone who has ZERO remorse or care in her heart.  Im tired of hurting over the $h!tety actions of someone else.   I'm tired of wondering WTF happened.   I'm tired of her in my mind EVERY SINGLE HOUR OF EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I'm tired of the little voice in my mind telling me to be patient and be still.  FOR WHAT?  Its impossible to get out and GAL - EVERY THING IS CLOSED.  The cold weather doesn't help - the snow can piss off.   

My therapist says I hurt this bad because I love so deep.   What is the actual point of loving people so deeply if they are just going to hurt me and I get stuck holding the suffering bag?

Dont get me wrong, I have so much in life to be thankful for, and I really am.   But these emotions that have surfaced in the last few days, scares me.  It scares me that she still has pull on my heart, and emotions.   It scares me because I feel like I will never get over this. 

Maybe its my karma - I was speaking to a friend a couple of weeks ago and she told me my ex looks horrible.   Her eyes have no life, and shes got bags under her eyes - her actual term was "luggage, she has luggage under her eyes".   And in a way, I enjoyed hearing that, I enjoyed hearing that others see her truth, that shes not as happy as shes trying to proclaim on Social Media.   And then, I was hit with all the emotions, my eyes that usually sparkle, are filled with sadness.   I've cried so much that I now have bags under my eyes that I just cant seem to get rid off.   No amount of eye masks, face masks, cold presses, can bring the swelling down.

I know this will pass - it has to.   I have to believe this is a layer of the proverbial onion that I am peeling.  Maybe this is my rock bottom - maybe this is what sets me free.   I dont know, I dont have the answers.

Someone please tell me that its not worth my mental sanity to start the D process?  I met my ex when she was still legally married.   I had to push her to D her ex as we were moving forward and becoming serious.   She didn't want to deal with it.   She was still paying her ex money that she owed her as again, the credit card was in her ex's name.   Yet me, the one she said taught her that marriage CAN be beautiful, the one that told me over and over again that I was her soulmate, I'm stuck holding the bag and cant get a dollar from her.

I'm so over this $h!te show.
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« Last Edit: February 21, 2021, 04:27:27 PM by LBS_Les »
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#81: February 21, 2021, 05:15:18 PM
Quote
Someone please tell me that its not worth my mental sanity to start the D process?

I can't tell you that, sorry. It might be....but it is a decision to make when you feel ready and you will know if you do. Imho it is important to make it as a response (to a situation) as opposed to a reaction (to how you currently feel). And truthfully the legality of divorce may not 'work' to make you feel better in the way you think it might bc it doesn't really resolve all of those emotional things that are distressing you so much now, LBS. I suspect when the LBS files, it is either bc it is the only way to protect themselves financially or bc they have already healed from some of the extreme and most painful emotions. And, if your instinct is to contact her to say 'let's do this', that is probably not where you are at....bc you don't need her permission to file, bc it is really almost like inviting or testing to see her reaction, bc it makes a decision somehow a shared one contingent on her which gives her some control really if that makes sense?

So, my best advice is to do nothing while you feel as emotional as you do right now. Give it a few days/weeks to see how you feel and what the benefits are to you of doing so.

It also sounds as if - at least to some degree - you were the ow in her previous marriage? And that therefore it is quite likely that she will behave now as she did then in terms of dealing with the end of a marriage? That might influence your eventual choice if you come to think that it will be better for you to have legal and financial clarity rather than wait in a kind of limbo for her to provide that clarity?

I'm sorry for how awful it feels right now. We get it, truly we do. And how exhausting and overwhelming and scary it feels. Hug from here. X
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#82: February 21, 2021, 05:52:30 PM
Quote
Someone please tell me that its not worth my mental sanity to start the D process?

I can't tell you that, sorry. It might be....but it is a decision to make when you feel ready and you will know if you do. Imho it is important to make it as a response (to a situation) as opposed to a reaction (to how you currently feel). And truthfully the legality of divorce may not 'work' to make you feel better in the way you think it might bc it doesn't really resolve all of those emotional things that are distressing you so much now, LBS. I suspect when the LBS files, it is either bc it is the only way to protect themselves financially or bc they have already healed from some of the extreme and most painful emotions. And, if your instinct is to contact her to say 'let's do this', that is probably not where you are at....bc you don't need her permission to file, bc it is really almost like inviting or testing to see her reaction, bc it makes a decision somehow a shared one contingent on her which gives her some control really if that makes sense?

So, my best advice is to do nothing while you feel as emotional as you do right now. Give it a few days/weeks to see how you feel and what the benefits are to you of doing so.

It also sounds as if - at least to some degree - you were the ow in her previous marriage? And that therefore it is quite likely that she will behave now as she did then in terms of dealing with the end of a marriage? That might influence your eventual choice if you come to think that it will be better for you to have legal and financial clarity rather than wait in a kind of limbo for her to provide that clarity?

I'm sorry for how awful it feels right now. We get it, truly we do. And how exhausting and overwhelming and scary it feels. Hug from here. X

Hey,  Thanks for responding.

I haven't pulled any communication or D triggers yet as I am currently try to reconcile what I am trying to achieve by moving forward with the D.    In many ways, I am done.   Theres nothing for us to reconcile right now.   So many people here from their spouse how they want to come home, that they aren't themselves, that they messed up.   I get none of this from a vanisher, so its hard to see the forest from the trees right now.   I've been fighting the urge to take action.   Am I truly standing my ground and saying "regardless of your crisis, I am done"?   Am I trying to snap her out of it? (Yes, I know this doesn't do that), am I trying to save myself from hurt by filing first?   Because then I control the outcome of my story?   Either way, I haven't done anything as I do know this is an emotionally based thought.   

As for me being the OW, I was not.   She had been separated from her ex for a year when we met.  Her ex was still with her affair partner, and my W was adamant that they were done, she had no desire to reconcile with her ex, she was done, she just hadn't completed the paper work.   Thats my W, conflict avoidant.  She didn't want to deal with going through the process to D.   Was easier to just "meh" it as "its just a piece of paper".   Once we became serious, I expressed concern around her still being tied to her wife legally as I wanted to get married, as I wanted to see my partner should she ever end up in the hospital.   I didn't think it was fair that her W would be the legally allowed person to make decisions on my partner should anything have happened.  I also didn't want to risk that we would in some way, be responsible for things her Ex did while legally married. 

It took some pushing, but she finally filed.  Everyone says she won't file as she didn't with her ex.   But we know MLC is a change in personality, so I guess I have been expected her to say its time.

And I dont need her to file - I would only reach out because we have matters of finances to address.   I won't sign her divorce until she comes up with an agreed upon amount to settle.   I'd prefer to not go the lawyer/mediation route as its money out of my pocket, to "possibly" get a fraction of that back in a settlement of her retirement.  So I'd prefer we work it out, but knowing MLC, I doubt we will and mediator would be next choice, then Lawyer in worst case.  I just dont have funds for a lawyer right now, Im bag holding all the debt
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#83: February 21, 2021, 06:00:20 PM
So it sounds, LBSLes, as if you are taking your time to think as wisely and calmly as you can about what is the best next step for you. Just as you should. And that is no mean feat when you are in distress is it? I'm so sorry that you are in this situation but you will know when you are really ready to act. Or when the risk of not acting becomes bigger than your understandable fears. And that's ok too, my friend. All of us find ourselves in a situation we never wanted to be in after all and that's hard.
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« Last Edit: February 21, 2021, 06:01:44 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
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Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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#84: February 21, 2021, 06:08:16 PM
At the stage you´re at is when I watched every comedy special on HBO that I could find- just to get my facial muscles used to laughing again. I had cheek lines from perpetual sadness and wanted to get my face back to normal. Then I started telling myself an affirmation every night over and over until I fell asleep and upon waking started the day with an affirmation. It eventually started to rewire my brain.

As for the debt. If the card is only in your name you will have a heckuva time getting her to pay up if she chooses not to. Without pressing the D button, what can you do on your own or say to her to get her to meet and exceed the monthly payments so your own budget and credit don´t get ruined? If has not explored her legal rights in regards to the debt then you have a chance of getting her to pay as she does know that she ran up those particular expenses. If she still has access to the card, get a new number pronto and remove her as an authorized user.

As the days get longer may you find more energy, times of going outside, and less rumination over her antics. Hey, if there were a switch to switch off the pain, we all would have flipped it on BD day. Affirmations redirect when the loneliness and hurt strike.
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#85: February 21, 2021, 06:14:04 PM
LL, I'm sorry the roller coaster is still going strong, and that escaping it is so hard. I would agree that starting the process should be a cool-headed decision, not a reaction. In addition, much as it seems like the D would be closure and an end to the limbo... I'm not sure that it is, most of the time. You know that I'm a bit behind you in this whole process and a lot of the variables are fairly different. Still, though, I find myself thinking I've reached a new level of detachment only to find myself right back in a place of anger or hurt or resentment. And often it's not because of anything in particular that she has done - I guess my subconscious just goes through this process and unearths new emotions. And having this all occur in the midst of the pandemic and restrictions, which seem eternal at this point... it's so much to deal with, all of it. Please be kind to yourself, give yourself the time and emotional space to work through all of it, and know you've got a support system here and in your local friends and family whenever you need it. As to the practicalities - if D would offer some degree of improvement, that would be a practical reason to pursue it; if it would make things more difficult for you financially and there's no push for it from your vanisher, that seems like a reason to try to maintain the status quo and let time and continued mirror work heal you.
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#86: March 31, 2021, 02:26:46 PM
Phew! Finally catching up. It’s been a hot minute huh

The one thing I suggest, being a never married person. Is. It seems your best bet is to stay married. Save as best you can. Mentally, physically, spiritually and financially prepare yourself should she want a D or should you feel your ready for one. However plan for the worst I always say, So your not so much blindsided
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#87: April 01, 2021, 02:36:10 PM
@LBSLes

I can completely relate. I just feel this immense sadness that someone who was in my life for so long and claimed to hold all the same values and beliefs could let me down so horribly. It literally cuts to my core and leaves a giant pit in my stomach when I think about it.
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#88: April 03, 2021, 07:49:16 PM
I can completely relate. I just feel this immense sadness that someone who was in my life for so long and claimed to hold all the same values and beliefs could let me down so horribly. It literally cuts to my core and leaves a giant pit in my stomach when I think about it.

I don't know if it ever stops feeling that way, but it does get easier daily.
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#89: April 24, 2021, 02:40:48 PM
Its been a hot minute since I last updated my thread.

Ive been moving along, forward.   Therapy has continued to do me wonders, and despite living in a province that has been on lockdown since NOVEMBER,  I haven't gone crazy (well not fully).   I cant pinpoint when it began to happen, but I hit a level of contentment and peace that really changed the trajectory of my path and healing.   I am ready for Divorce, mentally but I dont feel like pulling the trigger as of yet for a couple of reasons, one of which I will get into, below.

Life with a vanisher whom I blocked everywhere, was as expected.   One night, I get a message on WhatsApp from my SIL.   She tells me that my FIL has been taken to hospital and put on a ventilator due to Covid.   WTF.   She asks me to keep an eye out on my W as they are all obviously concerned.   K first of all, she has OM, so thats not my responsibility.  So I call SIL to get the scoop on what happened.   I tell her that my STBXW and I are no longer on speaking terms, so I cannot look out for her, but I will message her and let her know I know, and to let her know Im thinking of her dad and family during this difficult time.   So unblock, send short message, offer condolences and offer to help in any way that I can.  She thanks me for the thoughtful message and says its nice to hear from me.

I wanted to put her back on block, but its not the time to keep space between us, besides, shes a vanisher so she won't message me and blocking is something Im just doing for my own sake.   So I readd her sisters on FB so that I can get updates on FIL.   A group is created so they can provide updates there rather than having to inform so many people. 

Im in contact with my in laws throughout things and one day about a week and a half since I last messaged her,  I go into WhatsApp and see a message from my ex (shes muted so I dont receive notifications).   Says that she has seen my comments on Facebook (Um, how since you are blocked? Cheeky bugger, I won't ask either). Then goes on to say that her family has always looked at me as family and have never loved someone as much.   Um, Ok, thanks?  Is that permission to be in contact with them?  Like Thanks I guess?  So I respond in kind and basically say "While our chapter has ended, your family will always be family to me and it breaks my heart that they and your father have to go through this, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy"

Queue a week later, I join a zoom call that her family in Mexico put together, as a prayer session for her father.   I am not on camera and keep the lid on my laptop down as I see her name on the call and I dont want to see her if shes on video, especially if its her and OM.   So at one point, she speaks up to address the people on the call.   I could hear the hurt and pain in her voice, I was with her long enough to know when she was putting on a brave face.   So I sent an audio message on WhatsApp basically saying that I do wish to continue to respect the space between us, but I could hear the fear and hurt in her voice, that her father will be okay, that I have meditated and prayed on it and I know it to be true.   I told her to nurture her mind, body and spirit during this difficult time, and to lean on her boyfriend as he may not know how to support her as she goes through this, and if he isn't giving her what she needs, to be upfront and honest with him.   Sometimes, we dont know what to do when grief takes over, so we may not provide the support that others need.

She thanked me for the message, said I sound really good, and really strong.   And that she understands that while I am reaching out to her during this time, she understands that it doesn't really mean that I want to open the lines of communication between us, and she will respect that.   I suspect she was testing me, but I didn't acknowledge it.   

So this past weekend, another prayer session happened on zoom, so I joined as I am obviously giving my support to the family. Well I saw my STBXW on camera this time (last time she said she didn't even realize I was on the call, ok, sure ;) )  My W looks HORRIBLE.   And I dont mean that in "you can tell its been a rough couple of weeks for her".  No, she looks absolutely horrible.   I dont know what she did to her hair, her eyes had bags for days, and she just looked, not like the woman I loved for so long whom I thought was the most beautiful person on earth.   If I saw her on a dating app, I would quickly swipe NOPE, NO THANK YOU.  And sadly, its brought me comfort. Its just the universe doing its work to show me what I need to see when its time.   She has clearly been in crisis, and its not been kind to her.   And that has made it much, much easier to let her go.

FIL is still in the hospital - its been over a month now.   He seems to be making great strides and they are trying to take him off the ventilator.   He had a procedure to put a tube in his neck to receive oxygen there, so that he no longer needs the ventilator.  I am optimistic he will pull through and be reunited with his family.   

On the GAL side, I can do jack $h!te.   Because our provincial government has fumbled this pandemic and how its managed it.   Our vaccine rollout has been an absolute $h!te show, and the continued lockdowns are a joke.   But I finally got the AZ dose this week and am looking forward to getting back to living and seeing my friends again, as the warmer weather approaches.

Life has been good, life is a blessing, but I cant wait for things to get back to normal again.
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« Last Edit: April 24, 2021, 02:45:37 PM by LBS_Les »
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#90: April 26, 2021, 07:10:05 PM
Good to read an update from you!  I'm so sorry to hear about your FIL. 

I'm so sorry you all are so still locked down.  Things are opening up here, but I'm nervous about it.  We've been in this "free to choose" option for about a week and I can see the cases are rising again, so the health department here will probably scale things back again if that continues to be the case. 

The school district is one of only a few places that is still requiring masks and parents are upset about it, but we just had outdoor prom and plan on having in person graduation in a few weeks if they don't screw things up for us.  People still need to be careful and I'm not seeing that particularly much.

I still wear a mask in and out of buildings to order things and only remove it once I am outside away from others.  I went on a blind date, but we wore masks to get coffee and sat at a patio table outside across from each other that was at least 3-4 feet distance.

I am so glad that therapy is doing you wonders.  I had a moment after the date Saturday where I wondered if I should have gone to therapy lol.  The guy was probably completely blown away by my "issues".  If only he understood MLC.
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#91: May 17, 2021, 09:53:39 AM
Catching up! Phew.

I don’t have too much to add tbh, but I think there’s defo something with your wife. Not sure what but something is switching in her.
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#92: May 17, 2021, 01:25:56 PM
I was thinking about you last night LBS,

Funny that your thread was bumped up today. How's it going? Anything new?

-SS
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#93: May 23, 2021, 09:57:31 AM
I was thinking about you last night LBS,

Funny that your thread was bumped up today. How's it going? Anything new?

-SS

Thanks for thinking of me!

Nothing new to report - Our province is still in lockdown, but Canada has received a surge of Pfizer doses so a lot more people are being vaccinated with one dose, so there is light at the end of the tunnel!  While I am glad to have been able to get the AZ dose during a time when it looked like we were going to continue to experience vaccine shortages, I do wish I had held out for a couple of more weeks for Pfizer.   AZ kicked my ass for just over 3 weeks - nothing serious or major, but just weird things in my body that I took notice of.   And because the media and its fear mongering of the blood clot issue, I did suffer some anxiety being in 40+ category.    But I am officially free from Clot watch, and now I can count down the months until I get my second dose (we are waiting 12 weeks for max efficacy).

My Wedding anniversary was earlier this month, and it wasn't hard like last year.   I hadn't heard from my W, and I didn't expect to either.  Its not a day that requires an acknowledgement, any longer.  I self cared the eff out of myself as my anniversary fell on a Tuesday, so I made some pretty amazing Mexican tacos for dinner.

I will say, I did receive a message from my W the day before my anniversary.   So shes reached out twice within a month period, after us being NC for almost 10 months (5 of which was because she was blocked).  She messaged to tell me shes filing her taxes and its asking for my Social insurance number (TIN for my American friends LOL).   Then another message to say its letting her go forward without that information, and then another message with a laugh emoticon.    I saw these messages hours later as I have previously indicated that she is muted so I dont get pop ups.   

So I responded with a simple "thumbs up" emoticon.   To which she immediately replied, "Its trying to get me to guesstimate your income".   Ok?  Are you asking?  Are you giving me a play by play?  So after a couple of hours, I responded with "Sounds complicated but I trust you will sort it out".  She replied with "Adulting, I dont recommend it"

Ya, thats because I always dealt with these things in our M, I was the one that was the responsible one.    Sorry to hear at the age of 43, youre only now figuring out that adulting can be annoying  ::)

FIL is making progress from recovering from COVID.   He is still in the hospital and its been over 2 months now.   He is still on ventilator but they are weaning him off of it and feeding him oxygen through his trachea.   He is awake, and he is now listening to music, writing messages when he cannot speak, and asking for zoom/FaceTime calls with his family.   I am so grateful that he's pulled through, but I shouldn't be totally surprised since I had manifested this back in March.

Otherwise, life is good.   Work is becoming a bit stressful as the project I am on is demanding a lot of work and attention, and my inner child just wants to play.   The weather is warming up, my friends all at least have one dose in arm, and the province is trying to phase in a new reopening plan.

My summer will likely not be back to normal because of the 12 week gap between doses, but I can at least see my friends again, be able to drink on a patio (with a maximum of 3 other people only LOL), and hopefully make it to the camping trip I have booked in the coming weekends, for my birthday

I suspect I may hear from her again on my birthday, but I hold no expectations.  I am moving forward, focusing on manifesting my future and life, and trusting that what is mine, will be, and will not pass me.


UPDATE:  I just went into WhatsApp and there is another message from her.  Thats 3 times she has now initiated some form of contact.   Ive not read her message either, but it looks like an update about FIL (Which is odd as I have been getting the updates from her family, and not her)
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« Last Edit: May 23, 2021, 10:39:28 AM by LBS_Les »
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#94: May 23, 2021, 10:47:22 AM
Thanks for the update! Sounds like your journey is moving along very well. I’m glad to hear that there’s some sense of normalcy in your world, albeit a bit different compared to before the pandemic.
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#95: May 24, 2021, 09:16:42 AM
Thanks for the update! Sounds like your journey is moving along very well. I’m glad to hear that there’s some sense of normalcy in your world, albeit a bit different compared to before the pandemic.

Thanks!  Still a long ways back to normalcy, but at least the weather is warm and I can get out and meet friends while maintaining distance LOL

W's message was an update about the Go Fund me for her dad, in that they showed him.   He was rather emotional and grateful.   She wanted to thank me for my donation, and for reading the updates and saying kind things to her dad in those updates, and that it means the world to her, and her family.

Then she felt the need to wrap it up and say she hopes I am well and she wishes me peace and happiness, and that I will always have a place in her heart.

So, I responded much later on when I had a minute to do so to thank her for sharing the update with me, that I am glad she felt comfortable to do so, and that I am glad her dad is on the mend.   Then she needed a bit of a truth dart so I told her I was appreciative of her kind words and energy, but I am at peace and I am happy and I have been for a while now.  I asked her to channel that to her dad and his recovery and return home to be with his family, and that I look forward to hearing all about it.  She didn't respond, and I didn't expect her to.   Especially with that truth dart attached.

Amazing what they think at times LOL.   But its still a win that she reached out, and so I'll take it.

Now back to a few weeks of NC until she likely reaches out for my birthday.   Or maybe she won't.   
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#96: May 24, 2021, 12:13:19 PM

Now back to a few weeks of NC until she likely reaches out for my birthday.   Or maybe she won't.

This right here shows how strong you really are...... you are good taking something, or nothing.... and you're fine with it either way (and with some humor I believe).

Look how far you've come  ;D 8)

-SS
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#97: May 31, 2021, 02:41:40 PM
I agree, you have come very far!  (((HUGS)))
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#98: June 30, 2021, 01:51:09 PM
Another update, but not an update if you will.

Canada received a huge amount of doses, so while I anticipated not being able to receive my second dose until sometime in July, I am happy to say that I am a test tube baby.   I got AZ for my first dose, and received Pfizer as my second dose, 2 weeks ago.   I have a great feeling about this concoction.   8)

My province is also beginning to reopen and as of today, I can now do simple things like, get a hair cut (but not really as the appointments and lines are likely ridiculous since we have been locked down since November  ::)).  So more "at home trims" until I feel like having someone shave my head for me, to give me the fade I oh so desire.   I haven't had my hair this long since my 30's, and I quite like having a bun with a shaved head.  The look suits me, but really, all looks suit me  ;D

I went camping for my birthday after all, and it was exactly what I needed.   4 days in back country, with good company, and being away from home, from work, from society, was a much needed break.   I had spotty reception while I was there, so I did disable WhatsApp notifications as I am in a few group chats and didn't want my phone to buzz all weekend.   But I definitely took some time to upload some stuff to IG (which at times, took hours given how off the grid we were).

When I was back on land on the Monday, I wondered what my W may have said in WhatsApp, about my birthday.   She didn't message me at all.   I thought it would bother me, but it didn't.  I simply felt "oh well!".

I was able to finally see friends and go out for dinner to celebrate my birthday.   We all went to one of our favourite restaurants and was able to celebrate with the owner, as he survived the pandemic and is now thriving thanks to his newly built outdoor patio.   He featured me and my photos on his restaurants IG page, so I know my ex would have seen it, and saw my happiness.  Not the intention, but once I saw he posted it, I knew she would see it.

My FIl was released from the hospital and is considered a miracle.   He is back at home and recovering with some necessary physiotherapy as he was on the vent for 61 days, and in the hospital for over 90 days.   Truly a blessing.

I've really been focusing on myself and growth and spirituality.   A lot of the reason why I stopped coming here often, was because of the need for a mental diet.   I spent a lot of time here, reading others stories, looking for hope that my story would end in others stories of reconciliation, trying to find commonalities in the threads of those who had their MLCer, return.  Then, I would see new member posts and it would trigger the trauma of BD for me, so slowly, I began to take a step back, for myself.   And that has helped wonders.

I continued to be active in groups on social media, until they too began to bother me.   It doesn't bother me that people are experiencing this as an LBS, but what began to bother me, were the people who after years, continued to say "I cant do this", "they aren't coming back", "why me?"   And I know we all go through those motions, but I also believe you are only a victim so long as you proclaim to be one.   And a victim, I am not.

I've vowed from day one, to survive this.   My survival did not depend on the return of my MLCer, it never has.   But I know I sought out signs, or things to look for, that may suggest her return is imminent, and that for me was unhealthy.   So I work on me, I work on my journey, I work on my friendships, connections, family.   I control what I can control, and thats how I choose to live my life.  I choose to live in the present, in the now.   I have made a decision to stop looking back, to stop trying to predict my future, and to enjoy this moment.   Whether it be this second, this minute, this hour or this day, Im present.   I have no clue what tomorrow brings, and Im comfortable with that.   But I am also comfortable setting an intention of what I want to see from the next day, and if I dont fulfil that intention, I am okay with it, and I dont beat myself up.

There are so many more ways in which I could self love, self care or manifest a certain way of life.  But for now, I am okay with what's in front of me.   I accept my reality, I love my reality, and I know I have the skills to navigate through whatever my reality brings.

Until next month........
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« Last Edit: June 30, 2021, 01:54:32 PM by LBS_Les »
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#99: July 02, 2021, 05:57:46 PM
Great update!  I'm glad you were able to be with friends on your birthday.  I will watch for your next update!   :)
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#100: August 04, 2021, 09:38:40 AM
Time flies when you let go and live freely.

With a vanisher, there's absolutely no updates on that front.   Interestingly enough, my FIL has started to reach out to me and readded me on Facebook.  Ive since deactivated FB as part of my mental diet.   A lot of the surviving groups were becoming difficult to follow as people did not seem interested in doing the work and only wanted to complain.   Unfortunately, it was beginning to bother me and since I mostly use Instagram, it was time for a break.  I may reactivate to catch up on some of the updates in those groups of individuals that I'm rooting for.

Life in Toronto has resumed back to normal.   We are mostly open again with some minor restrictions, but I can see friends, Im fully vaccinated and have been taking advantage of catching up with humans.

And speaking of humans, S popped back on the scene about a month ago.   We kept in contact and then I was going to be on vacation last week, so a few weeks back, she invited me to go see her at her beach house.   At first, I wasn't feeling it, because things between us have felt so touch and go, so I told her I would think about it and we could revisit it closer to my holiday time.   I decided about a week before that I would just go.   Because I had no expectations and if it got super weird or awkward, I could just go home.   She's staying about two hours away from me, so it was going to be an overnight visit.

I knew the moment I got there, I would be in trouble.   She was just as cute as she was in her photos.   But we had established that we were friends and we were both okay with that.   So I made sure to respect the boundaries we both set out.

And then she asked me to spend an extra night.   And then I KNEW for sure that we were both in trouble.   Then it started....the subtle touching of my hands when she sat next to me and spoke to me.   Playing with her hair, her eyes telling me a story of attraction, and when it was no longer possible to resist, we kissed, and that of course led into other things, rather explosive things. 

I went home after two days and tried to tell myself that its okay, it was a physical attraction and connection, and that we dont need to label or look into things and will just see how it goes.   The physical intensity between us is nothing I've ever encountered before.   I like our dynamic and our attraction and I am not looking to set any expectations between us, but our contact levels have definitely increased.   I get good night texts, I get good morning texts.   We are planning to meet either this weekend or next and then shes coming back to our city in a couple of weeks and we've made definitive plans to hang out.

And shes so attentive.   She's said and done things that she knows I like, intimately and not intimately.   We were cuddling on the couch and she started to rub and play with my hair, something I really enjoy.   I said "you're playing with my hair, awwwww?" and she replied "yes, you told me how much you like it".  And this is dangerous LOL.   Because we have both been clear that we aren't looking for a relationship with anyone, and thats why we got on so well as we are both focused on looking after ourselves and in some ways, protecting ourselves from pain from others.   And now we have become "mostly" intimate physically, but we are also connecting emotionally.  We've talked about it, we've discussed that we are enjoying the dynamic and are not trying to over think things, but there will come a point where we need to make a decision.   Either things fizzle out, we establish boundaries to maintain a booty call dynamic, or, we consider something a bit more long term.  She's expressed she too has worries but is also trying not to overthink things and just let go and see what happens.

Im trying not to gay panic, and Ive sent my therapist some thoughts I need her to work through with me in my next session.   But for now, I will enjoy the rush of a crush and will just try to be honest with myself when feelings surface (fear and elation), to try to contain it.   Thats definitely my self protection coming to surface.

I forgot what its like to be desired by someone and it feels good.   And at the end of the day, if nothing comes of this, I know with all the healing and work I have done within myself, that I will be okay because I have survived so much worse.

Hope everyone is keeping safe and well!



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#101: August 04, 2021, 10:01:30 AM
Great update! I’m glad you’re getting out in the world again and spending time with people. Also glad to see how things are going with S. You have put in the work on your own mental health and are continuing to do so, and it seems she is also mindful of that. As long as you both remain aware of the need to keep your own personal boundaries for your individual well being, there’s no reason you can’t enjoy those butterflies and the lovely feeling of being cared about.
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#102: August 04, 2021, 06:17:12 PM
I had to laugh when you wrote "I knew I was in trouble"....... LOL!!  :P
Comment of the day for me. I wish everyone could identify when they look up, see the lights coming and the horn of the train blaring: "Oh, there you are"...... [splat]
Very self-aware, that's a good quality to have..... most people, aren't. 

-SS
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#103: August 05, 2021, 09:21:36 AM
I had to laugh when you wrote "I knew I was in trouble"....... LOL!!  :P
Comment of the day for me. I wish everyone could identify when they look up, see the lights coming and the horn of the train blaring: "Oh, there you are"...... [splat]
Very self-aware, that's a good quality to have..... most people, aren't. 

-SS
Now if once the trouble is identified we can have the wherewithal to move out of the way as needed, it'd be great.... ;D

It sounds like it was a good time for you, lbs_les. How are you feeling about it?
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#104: August 05, 2021, 02:04:05 PM
Great update! I’m glad you’re getting out in the world again and spending time with people. Also glad to see how things are going with S. You have put in the work on your own mental health and are continuing to do so, and it seems she is also mindful of that. As long as you both remain aware of the need to keep your own personal boundaries for your individual well being, there’s no reason you can’t enjoy those butterflies and the lovely feeling of being cared about.

Thanks!  I think thats what makes things interesting.   That we are both seemingly aware of our own journeys and struggles, but have the openness to talk about them without fear of judgement.

I had to laugh when you wrote "I knew I was in trouble"....... LOL!!  :P
Comment of the day for me. I wish everyone could identify when they look up, see the lights coming and the horn of the train blaring: "Oh, there you are"...... [splat]
Very self-aware, that's a good quality to have..... most people, aren't. 

-SS

I'm glad you enjoyed the comedic effort LOL.   I think self awareness is super important.   I wouldn't hold anyones flaws against them so long as they are aware.   Its when one denies a pattern or a flag, that I would run from.


I had to laugh when you wrote "I knew I was in trouble"....... LOL!!  :P
Comment of the day for me. I wish everyone could identify when they look up, see the lights coming and the horn of the train blaring: "Oh, there you are"...... [splat]
Very self-aware, that's a good quality to have..... most people, aren't. 

-SS
Now if once the trouble is identified we can have the wherewithal to move out of the way as needed, it'd be great.... ;D

It sounds like it was a good time for you, lbs_les. How are you feeling about it?

If I am being honest, I am absolutely terrified, but I am also enjoying the moment.  Im terrified at the thought of opening up to someone again, but if I am being honest, S and I have been talking for a year now as acquaintances and friends.   She knows a lot about me and I of her but now that we have added the physical component to things, its definitely a risky complication.

But I have a great therapist to talk me off the ledge and I have already prepped her for our next session of things to discuss.   

Its nice to be with someone again physically and emotionally, but its also scary as hell.  Especially when Ive made it clear to myself that I cannot be in a relationship right now.  I likely can manage that aspect with boundaries of my own, but its hard when another player has entered the game.

And Im worried I will get caught up in something as I have simply attached to someone in the past.   But ultimately, I dont know what will happen between us and worrying about tomorrow, today, is wasted calories.
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#105: September 15, 2021, 03:36:37 AM
Always late to these parties but we’ll well we’ll. I called it. I remember telling you when S went dim she would come back. I was correct. But this time it seems she didn’t come back to the dynamic she was used to where she was hit and Miss. it’s like she’s come back bigger and better than ever. Which is so good.
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#106: September 15, 2021, 07:11:54 AM
Attaching. Just came across your thread, LBS_Les. I'm 18 months behind you in all of this, but as with so many here, I can see myself going through many of the same loops on the coaster.

JB
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#107: September 27, 2021, 01:23:50 PM
Always late to these parties but we’ll well we’ll. I called it. I remember telling you when S went dim she would come back. I was correct. But this time it seems she didn’t come back to the dynamic she was used to where she was hit and Miss. it’s like she’s come back bigger and better than ever. Which is so good.

Yes, you were right about that LOL!  You also said the same for my STBXW so lets see how that pans out

And on that note, update time!

So things between S and I definitely cooled down and off.   I could sense that she was pulling away and while still showing signs of interest, she felt distant in some of our interactions.   So we met up a few weeks back to discuss things and she said shes not ready to give me what I deserve, right now.  Shes been going through some things and I noticed they were affecting her, so I wasn't surprised by this turn of events.   She said she understood if that also meant the end of our friendship, but it wasn't fair of her to ask me to wait while she works on her ish.   Naturally, I felt rejected and it stirred some feelings of abandonment in me, but I was able to recover quickly and be empathetic to her request.   After all, as the LBS, I know far too much about the importance of looking after ones self and mental health, and addressing old wounds and trauma, so why would I be angry or upset with her?  And also, to a degree, I wasn't sure if we were going to be a fit long term, so I couldn't oust her from my life because she wasn't ready to explore it further.

So we've gone back to being "friends".   I suspect it was becoming intense for her and that her gay panic took over, so she took the steps to protect herself.   I do get some mixed signals from her still, but I stay firm on my side of the "friends" boundary and will leave it up to her to make a move if she does change her mind.   We can revisit where Im at on the "dating" scale, if that time arises.

In other news, I resigned from my job, after receiving a new job offer.  I had been unhappy in my role for quite some time but loved the industry I am in.  I told my manager that after my project was done in early 2022, I would be posting outside of my department for a new role and would like support on working towards what the next career move could be for me, internally.  I happened to hop onto Linkedin one day and out of curiosity I thought "I wonder if X company is hiring".   X company is the vendor that my current company uses for credit card systems and information.   Their product is one that I have worked with for over a decade and I am well versed in it.   So I saw they had a position that at one point many years ago, I thought about applying for, but the extensive and frequent travel was a concern for me, especially while married.

I saw the posting and reached out to a couple of contacts to ask if its still open.  I was told to get my resume in ASAP as they are taking it down and looking to start interviews.  I applied, had a follow up call to clarify information on the application, and then my interview was booked just a few days later.   I got an offer of employment less than 24hours after my interview, at my asking salary.  Word is, they didn't want to risk me changing my mind and wanted me to commit.   Not sure if thats a good thing, or bad LOL

I will be a consultant for their system, advising other financial institutions on how to best leverage the functionality to get the customer engagement they want.  Its a gig that supports North America and Europe, and the head office is in the US.  There is travel required (after covid) and a willingness to relocate to the USA if thats the direction the company wants.   Otherwise, its a fully remote position from home, if I do not have a client that needs me on site.  Its a decent pay raise, and there are so many perks that come with working for this company, plus all the travel adventures, expenses and of course, travel points.   Its exactly the change I need in my life.   Its also forcing me to step outside of my comfort zone.

While I am well versed in the system, I hate flying and I could never imagine myself being away from home for long periods of time.  Even if I get a multi year client, time away would be capped at 6 weeks away, one week home, rinse and repeat.  Thats a big test for me.

But, being an LBS and then jumping right into a global pandemic has taught me that I am stronger than I think, I am more capable than I give myself credit, and theres so much of the world that I have yet to see.   My last day of work is this week and then I begin my new adventures next week.  I will admit, there is a local client doing a big conversion and I am hoping thats my first assignment so that I can stay in Toronto for a year or so while Covid boils over, but as we know as an LBS, theres no such thing as control.

As for my STBXW, all is still silent on that front.  I've started to consider and explore my options now that my financial situation is drastically changing.  I have some decisions to make on how I want to proceed and while its going to suck holding the bag on some of the marital debt shes left me carrying, it might be easier to just suck it up, pay it off and then deal with getting it back in he D (the debt is solely in my name legally, but she had access to the accounts that were used).   So I may just consolidate the debt and pay it off in the next couple of years, wipe the slate clean and start again.

Life is such a blessing, even in the darkest of times - I hope you are all keeping well and safe during these continued, trying times
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« Last Edit: September 27, 2021, 01:37:14 PM by LBS_Les »
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#108: September 27, 2021, 02:15:59 PM
Wow, lots of changes! Seems like even the ones that kind of suck, have a silver lining or at least offer you the chance for further growth.

Congratulations on the new job! No predictions from me on what might happen with S or with STBXW, but I feel absolutely confident in predicting that you will continue to thrive.
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#109: September 27, 2021, 02:32:57 PM
Wow, lots of changes! Seems like even the ones that kind of suck, have a silver lining or at least offer you the chance for further growth.

Congratulations on the new job! No predictions from me on what might happen with S or with STBXW, but I feel absolutely confident in predicting that you will continue to thrive.

Thank you!  The thing about surviving this turmoil is, you feel almost invincible.  And while its a risky mentality to have, its actually so liberating to live without worry of control. 

Life is weird being a passenger, but I could use the break  8)
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#110: September 27, 2021, 02:46:06 PM
I completely get that feeling of invincibility - to go from feeling like your whole world has been kicked out from under you, to feeling completely in control of your own happiness… it really does make you feel like nothing can stop you. A lot of people think they’re strong - we have been tested and not only have we survived, we’ve made our lives even better than they were before. Keep that feeling - you have more than earned it!
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