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Author Topic: My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2

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My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
OP: September 28, 2020, 10:28:58 AM
Dont want to get in trouble with the mods (although, I do kind of like the thought of receiving UM's GIF Warning, on my thread  ;D)

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https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11458.150
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#1: September 28, 2020, 11:00:49 AM
Well, well, well.   Life has been busy for this girl.

Friday, I had friend come over to my place as planned.   We had some drinks, I made her dinner, we watched some TV.  It was nice having someone in my place as things sometimes, get a bit lonely.  I forgot what it felt like to have someone lay on my couch, beside me.

While she was here, my ex GF messaged me.   This isn't uncommon as she frequently reaches out and has talked about us getting together in person to catch up.   So she asked me to come see her on Saturday and to spend the night (she lives about 80 mins outside of the city).  At first I wasn't about it, but when I woke up on Saturday, something was saying "Go, have fun".   So we chatted and decided I would come out there, we'd have some beers and order some dinner.   So off I go, with my little dog. 

I was thinking about it when I was there, sitting across from her.   I dont think I had actually seen her in person, since she abruptly left my life 10.5 years ago.  And in many ways, she is the exact same person she was back all those years ago, when we shared a life together.  We had some witty banter, we talked about us (back then, not a now thing), brought each other up to speed on where our friends are at in their life, talked about the world, her kids, her EXH, her dating life.   

At one point, she wanted to take a selfie of us, and then said "You should post this to your social media - hahahahaha".   First of all, I'm not into the drama of posting to get a rise out of anyone.   I know that my friends would be like "HUH?" and because I am friends with my SIL's, I dont doubt that my W stalks my profile.   Posting a selfie of us literally serves me ZERO Purpose.   While we caught up, she's my past and not my present enough to parade her on social media.  She sent a text to her friends of us and I laughed and said "Oh boy, I cant wait to hear what J is gonna say about this".   J never really liked me, but we put up with each other as having mutual connections to EXGF.   She actually didn't say anything bad, and was more like "Woah, blast from the past".

As I was driving out to the town she lives in, I thought what my W would think if she knew I was going to see T.   W always hated T because of what she had done to me and how much she messed me up (So W decided to end up blowing us up, as T did back in the day?). T has also been super flirty and while theres definitely not a romantic thing (I am NOT interested in ever being with her again), I thought about what may physically happen, and if it did, what would that do to my M?  W would never forgive me if I slept with T.  I know this for a fact.   So I put it out to the universe that there be no temptation with beers and T's suggestive behaviours. 

T was definitely suggestive the longer the night went on.   There was some physical contact, there were advances, but I didn't react to them.   She didn't come full on, they were simple tests.   But I couldn't respond as I know myself enough to know that I dont have the willpower to say no to something physical (Thanks Pandemic and missing physical intimacy in general  >:(). While there was some physical closeness at times, nothing progressed, and for that I am grateful.

Headed back into the city yesterday for a get together at my friends place.   This goes against all COVID rules, but to be honest, I am fed up of living life and seeing everyone get to live theirs.   At the early stages of the pandemic, I locked down.  Mostly because I was dealing with the loss of my M, my monster W, and my emotions around it all.   Recently, our numbers dropped substantially, so I felt better about going out and GAL'ing.  Our numbers seem to be back on the rise, but this weekend, I was like Eff it.  Its my time.  So I did tell my friends I had broken the bubble and said that Im happy to sit this gathering out, and will catch up another time.   But they weren't concerned with my interactions with others, we would be sitting outside anyways, and theres enough room to keep space.   So got home, showered, grabbed my dog, grabbed my bottle of Pink Whitney and headed on down.  It was a lovely afternoon, evening.

Usually I get some depression after Ive interacted with others.   Well the universe slapped me today when our numbers were released for our province.   Our highest numbers yet, with almost half of the cases coming out of my city.   So clearly, its back into isolation mode.

I wanted to go get tested, for peace of mind however the province has literally just changed the rules and I dont qualify to go for testing.  I cant just show up and say I was with people all weekend and I just want to be sure I'm okay before I see family.   So into quarantine I go. 

I never did respond to S' message, until Today.   Simply said that life has been busy (she watches my social media, so she would know this anyways), she's right, we haven't chatted in a while, we seem to be on different schedules right now, and I hope she's keeping well.   I dont expect her to reply because this is her game.   I only responded because I didn't want to "ghost" her as we have mutual friends, but I kept it short and to the point. 

This way, when she doesn't respond, I won't feel bad as lack of contact falls squarely on her shoulders.

And today, my W wasn't the first one I thought of when I woke up.   Today, theres a pep in my step, a perma grin on my face.   It was a great weekend, life is good, god is good, I'm alive, I'm healing
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#2: September 30, 2020, 09:57:34 AM
LL, I’m so impressed with how you are navigating all of this! Sounds like the catch-up with T was overall really good for you, and the gathering with friends as well. It’s hard to find the right balance between complete isolation and just living our lives, taking enough precautions to be safe but socializing enough to stay sane. All of my really good friends live far away; W has some friends locally and they mostly isolate but occasionally there is a socially distanced meetup in a park or our backyard.

Sorry the socializing has led to a need for quarantine, but I am happy that you enjoyed the time spent with others. Hope you remain safe and well!
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#3: September 30, 2020, 11:13:27 AM
LL, I’m so impressed with how you are navigating all of this! Sounds like the catch-up with T was overall really good for you, and the gathering with friends as well. It’s hard to find the right balance between complete isolation and just living our lives, taking enough precautions to be safe but socializing enough to stay sane. All of my really good friends live far away; W has some friends locally and they mostly isolate but occasionally there is a socially distanced meetup in a park or our backyard.

Sorry the socializing has led to a need for quarantine, but I am happy that you enjoyed the time spent with others. Hope you remain safe and well!

At first, the isolation was just going to be to give time before I see others again given that I had jumped a few bubbles all weekend.   Then, Sunday night, I received a call from a friend from my primary bubble.   One of the girls has COVID, he was in contact with her as they were at her and her husbands place for dinner.   Friend then saw another friend from the bubble on Saturday, and I was with that friend on Sunday.   So by Proxy, he wanted to let me know.

At first I panicked.  To be honest, I thought it would have been my negligence that risked bringing Covid into the bubble, but it wasn't me.   I panicked because what if I am at risk, what if, what if, what if.  I caught myself slipping into a rabbit hole of panicked thoughts, and realized my inner children were leading that fear.   So I stopped myself.   Told myself that we will cross that bridge when we get there.   Friend who called had gone to get a test on Sunday in light of this news, and he would have his results by Thursday.  So I couldn't sit and panic for 3 days over something I have no control over.   And once I told myself we will cross that bridge when we get there, I began to shift my thoughts out to the universe that we would test negative.

I got confirmation yesterday, that the test came back negative.   They tested approximately 12 days after their contact with the person who has Covid (who didn't have symptoms at the time and wasn't even aware she had been in contact with someone who had).  So the accuracy of this test seems solid.

In my province, I cant really test since I have no symptoms.   If he tested positive, I would have gone later this week for testing, to allow a few days for the virus to do its thing, to avoid a false negative.   But even if I go for testing, our province requires us to isolate for 14 days, regardless of the test results.   Since his came back negative, I won't go for testing (our current lines are about 7 hours long).   So at home I stay.

As for hanging with T, its funny how things work.   She absolutely broke me when she left.   She cheated with me multiple times with Men.   She left me for a man that she would go on to have 3 kids with, marry, and now divorce from.  I suffered a lot of self esteem about it and its a bit of an insecurity thing about women leaving for men.   It bled into my marriage.   Towards the end, I thought my W was having an affair with her boss, a male, because he is all she talked about.   I still cant say that her version of having OW is true.   Maybe it was her male boss all along, but I've since learnt to let that go.   

Sitting with her, hanging with her, talking to her, she is the same T she was back when we dated.   She's dramatic, emotional, needy, over the top on everything she does.   If you told me all those years ago that I would one day sit with T, have beers and laugh, I would have told you that you were certifiably insane.  That I would never be in that spot.   And there I was.   No resentment, no feelings of hurt, just remembering that she's been a part of my life, and that in some ways, she's taught me some kind of lesson

And that goes to show that whatever I feel about my W on a particular day, may not be where the future leads me.   Maybe one day I will once again sit across from W without resentment, without attachment, without romanticism.   Maybe I won't.   But what the experience with T confirmed to me is, nothing is forever and one day, things may be a lot different than I visualize in my head and heart.

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#4: October 01, 2020, 01:15:47 PM
Staying with you.

I guess your rules over there are different to ours huh 🙄 we basically can do whatever we like. We’re almost back to normal jusy a few minor restrictions despite high numbers. But then I won’t get into that and the BS show on here HAAAA!

Glad your doing well with life in general.
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#5: October 02, 2020, 02:03:00 PM
Staying with you.

I guess your rules over there are different to ours huh 🙄 we basically can do whatever we like. We’re almost back to normal jusy a few minor restrictions despite high numbers. But then I won’t get into that and the BS show on here HAAAA!

Glad your doing well with life in general.

Thanks for attaching

I have a friend who lives in Scotland, so I get the regular updates - I cant imagine being in the "Thousands" of cases a day range, that the UK is in.   She also told me about the encouragement to go to restaurants by offering like $10.   

We are entering another lockdown here.   Our models are forecasting 1000 cases daily, by Mid October.  I understood that we had a mandatory mask policy indoors, but it seems the province is implemented "new" measures, which require Masks indoors  ::).   They've also removed the social bubble and we are only to socialize with those who live in our home, and restaurant capacity has been reduced.

My W works in the catering industry, and the province previously had a 50 person patron limit, but the buildings could have more than that if the remaining people were facility workers.  They just announced today, that the convention centres can only hold 50 people, that includes facility workers.   That means, W is even more constrained now, so I suspect her job will very likely be affected.   I may reach out to her and let her know I'm sending her some good vibes.

I'm a bit stressed about what this recent change will do for my mental being.   Now that we aren't allowed to socialize in bubbles, Im essentially going to be spending a lot of alone time.  Yes, I can likely burst that and go with my friends, but after this weeks Covid scare in our bubble, I'm not quite sure I want to.

I typically suffer from Seasonal depression, so during a pandemic, Im extra worried.

But with gratitude, I have an apartment, a safe space, my dog, my mom and brother next door, I have friends, I have my job.
But man, eff this pandemic.
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#6: October 02, 2020, 03:12:16 PM
I won’t hijack your thread with my own theory on Covid. But I am now of the reasoning that mine and my children’s mental health comes first. I’ll sanitize. I’ll wear a mask. I’ll do everything to protect other people, but under no circumstances will I be staying in the house unless we have a full on lockdown. Even if I just fake me and the girls to the park, grab a cake from the bakery. D9 particularly took a massive hit to the pandemic during loxkdown. She now refuses to stay in hotels (she saw all the signs when we were in blavkpool and panicked herself) she doesn’t want to go abroad in 2021. She’s turned into a shell or herself and so to me. That takes over Covid. Ofcourse I won’t be wreck less with it. However that’s where common sense really does come into it. Something many of us in the UK clearly lacked 😭

FWIW I think your doing well, you understand seasonal depression may rear it’s ugly head and your able to attempt to tackle it before it gets too hard.
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#7: October 09, 2020, 11:49:41 AM
UGHHHHHHH

My city has had a spike in cases recently, and we are now on track to hit the number of daily cases as projected in the Province's model.   As such, my city is being shut down for 28 days.  Indoor dining, closed.  Gyms, closed.  Theatres, Closed.  All of this comes, after I just finished my self imposed quarantine after a contact scare a couple of weeks back.

I guess its good because if I cant get out, neither can my W LOL.

As for me, I've been on a bit of a spiritual journey.   I have been watching a lot of tarot videos on YouTube, getting those general reads.   I decided that I didn't want to "hang on" to things some scam artist says when they flip a card, so I decided to learn tarot.   My mom had a deck and gifted it to me, so I could start to learn.   Apparently, that is good luck.   So I've been filling my days, learning to connect, just holding the cards, flipping them and trying to read based on what I've learnt so far.   Have done some reads about my life, about my W, but I mostly ask the tarot what I need to know about today, each day.

I did do a read on a 3 card flip - me, her, the relationship.   It was uncanny what I pulled.   It showed me as the two of pentacles, juggling act.   My confusion, my constant back and forth.  She was the queen of swords - that card represents someone who cuts people out of their life who serve no purpose.   The relationship card was the 6 of swords reversed.   This represents emotional blockage, an inability to let things go.   So the reading showed us clearly, and says that the relationship has baggage and something cannot be overcome.

Now I appreciate that tarot isn't a predictor of the future.....its an energy in the current state.   And so that reading is accurate.   I am often confused, she has cut me out of her life, and I dont know that either one of us will get past things done. 

I've really started to push back on putting my energy into her.   I'm detaching and was GAL'ing, but naturally in isolation, I think a lot, so she and I and our sitch has always been on my mind.   Learning tarot is a great distraction, and shifts my energy into something else.

When you receive a tarot deck, you need to cleanse it from the hands that may have handled the deck before you.   So I saged my deck.    I had sage on hand as I wanted to sage my apartment, but never got around to it.   So after I saged my deck, I proceeded to sage my apartment and asked that it rid this space of negative energy that may be lingering.   Ever since I've done this, my mind has cleared, my apartment feels light, I feel liberated.  I still think of my W, but when I do, something says "patience", I still see numbers in signs, so someone is looking out for me.    I've cut S out as I have no desire to speak with her, casual or not.   I have no desire to date, I will be single, and remain single.   Something is willing me to be patient, work on myself, and not worry about dating.  Is this a fantasy that she is coursed to return to me?  Maybe, is it fate?  Maybe.   Only time will tell, so I will continue to follow the messages the universe sends to me, understanding that what is meant to be, will be presented to me in time.

I have to help my friend in a couple of weeks move (if you recall, she is moving into my W's neighbourhood).   I was thinking of messaging my W when I know the date, to see if she would be interested in seeing our dog as she indicated she missed the fur babies, the last time we spoke.  The dog could stay with W while I help friend move, and I can collect the dog once we are done.

Im torn on this.  I feel its a push to a degree, I fear she will say No.   I fear that she will say yes, and I will have to see her.   So I will sit on it.

And if I dont reach out to offer her the dog for the day, her birthday is soon approaching.   So either way, we will have some contact soon, but no expectations.   Its still too early in this journey to expect some kind of substantial turn around.

And that hurts, but I'll be okay because I am on my own path.   The universe has shown me this, time and time again

Stay safe friends
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« Last Edit: October 09, 2020, 11:53:23 AM by LBS_Les »
Me (W) 43 - W 42
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#8: October 09, 2020, 01:06:35 PM
LL...I came to the board today with the intention of posting about my search for meaning and looking into spirituality, so your post feels really timely to me. Glad to know this search exists for others and is a complex subject.

As for reaching out to your W...I feel like I would not reach out about bringing over the dog. However, when her birthday arrives there is nothing wrong with wishing her a happy birthday. I have been listening to Lee Baucom’s Save the Marriage podcasts, and he talks about reaching out just to let someone know you are thinking of them, versus reaching out when you are really hoping to get something in return. Obviously, you would be offering your W something she wants by giving her the chance to spend time with the dog...but it’s a contact initiated by you that comes with the expectation that she will respond in some way. The “happy birthday,” on the other hand, is something you can send to her without any expectations of any return gesture.

Note that I am saying this as someone who is pretty constantly wanting to reach out to my W...to see how she is, to see what she’s learning about herself, to talk to her about my mirror work, to talk about the pets or the state of the world, to spend time in her company. And she just left home on Monday and was here Wednesday for much of the day...and there was a little small talk by text yesterday! So yeah... I’m certainly one who understands the desire to make contact. And maybe my advice to hold back comes from a place of wanting to err on the side of giving space. Maybe, with the amount of space you have already given her, reaching out about the dog is not something she would see as a push? I guess I just feel like the MLCer really needs to make it clear that they are comfortable with contact before the LBS reaches out to initiate an exchange.

Sorry about the spike in cases in your province. We are on an improving trend locally, and our mild weather means there isn’t much temptation to move any gatherings indoors anytime soon, so I hope that continues. But I am concerned about a seasonal spike nonetheless, and I feel like continuing caution is important. Stay as safe and well as you can!
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#9: October 09, 2020, 01:55:24 PM
LL...I came to the board today with the intention of posting about my search for meaning and looking into spirituality, so your post feels really timely to me. Glad to know this search exists for others and is a complex subject.

As for reaching out to your W...I feel like I would not reach out about bringing over the dog. However, when her birthday arrives there is nothing wrong with wishing her a happy birthday. I have been listening to Lee Baucom’s Save the Marriage podcasts, and he talks about reaching out just to let someone know you are thinking of them, versus reaching out when you are really hoping to get something in return. Obviously, you would be offering your W something she wants by giving her the chance to spend time with the dog...but it’s a contact initiated by you that comes with the expectation that she will respond in some way. The “happy birthday,” on the other hand, is something you can send to her without any expectations of any return gesture.

Note that I am saying this as someone who is pretty constantly wanting to reach out to my W...to see how she is, to see what she’s learning about herself, to talk to her about my mirror work, to talk about the pets or the state of the world, to spend time in her company. And she just left home on Monday and was here Wednesday for much of the day...and there was a little small talk by text yesterday! So yeah... I’m certainly one who understands the desire to make contact. And maybe my advice to hold back comes from a place of wanting to err on the side of giving space. Maybe, with the amount of space you have already given her, reaching out about the dog is not something she would see as a push? I guess I just feel like the MLCer really needs to make it clear that they are comfortable with contact before the LBS reaches out to initiate an exchange.

Sorry about the spike in cases in your province. We are on an improving trend locally, and our mild weather means there isn’t much temptation to move any gatherings indoors anytime soon, so I hope that continues. But I am concerned about a seasonal spike nonetheless, and I feel like continuing caution is important. Stay as safe and well as you can!

Ya, one of the things I have learned to do in my journey, is to sit and think about what I am trying to achieve, before doing something.   So I recognize me offering the dog, is me showing kindness, me finding a reason to reach out or see her (I dont need to see her, but it would have to happen), and I guess, showing that I am happy, warm, a different person - like you said, sharing all the mirror work.   

I'm leaning more on the side of NOT offering, but I did ask a mutual friend what she thought I should do.   I will continue to think through my intentions.

As for contact, I have yet to receive monster, since the spring (lord knows there was a ton of monster for months after BD).   Whenever we chat, she always makes a point of saying that its nice to hear from me.   The last time we spoke, she said it three times in one message.   So I know that contact is "welcomed", but I also want to respect her space (as well as mine).   I don't want to push, and I certainly dont want to be the one reaching out all the time.

Thanks for your perspective.   ;D
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#10: October 09, 2020, 11:53:24 PM
Playing devils advocate here. Does it help you at all having someone watch the dog? I guess it depends on the type of dog you have but I know when I had my dog that I shared with clington. That was one HYPER dog. So if I was helping a friend move, I would need someone to watch the dog because if someone didn’t she would rip up flooring, chew door frames etc.

What I’m saying is, if you need someone to watch the dog. Then I would offer her first refusal. If it was just a case of “oh that would be a handy thing to do” then probably not.
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#11: October 11, 2020, 12:39:33 PM
Playing devils advocate here. Does it help you at all having someone watch the dog? I guess it depends on the type of dog you have but I know when I had my dog that I shared with clington. That was one HYPER dog. So if I was helping a friend move, I would need someone to watch the dog because if someone didn’t she would rip up flooring, chew door frames etc.

What I’m saying is, if you need someone to watch the dog. Then I would offer her first refusal. If it was just a case of “oh that would be a handy thing to do” then probably not.

Because I would be out of my apartment all day and into the evening, I will likely take her to my mom's place so that she can get out to pee if I am gone all day and evening, and to be around company.   So if it wasn't my W, it would by my Mom.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends.   Yesterday was a rather emotional day for me.   We are entering holiday season and its bringing up emotions.   Last year, we had our beautiful house and we would be working together in the kitchen to make dinner for my mother and my brother.   Then, on another day, we would either host her family for a Mexican themed thanksgiving dinner, or we would have gone to her dad's for family dinner.   So naturally today, I wonder if they are together.   Did they forego family dinner because of Covid?  If they are together, is she reminiscing with memories as I am?  Does she even feel a sense of sadness or loss as I do?

I think im also emotional as this week will be 9 months from BD.   9 months.   I wish time would speed up, so that I can get to a place of comfort, where I dont watch for dates, where holiday's dont make me emotional

I'm going to my mothers for dinner shortly.   I have a very small family, so it will just be the three of us.   My mood is off, I am sad, I am tired. 

I cant wait for this day to be over with.  And I really hope that this doesn't happen at Christmas

Time to book a session with my therapist.
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#12: October 11, 2020, 06:12:36 PM
The fixer in me would love to offer you advice or at least wish that the veterans could offer words of wisdom. But the more I am learning, the more I understand that there is no advice or solution. So instead I will say that my thoughts are with you, I know this is always hard and even more so at the holidays. You are making your way through this admirably. I wish you a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.
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#13: October 11, 2020, 11:44:41 PM
Okay so, I would say it’s more than likely Christmas will stir up something in you. Same way NY will too. Probably valentines anniversaries etc. I know I certainly did. Especially things like Christmas when he would grab the kids from me and I was forever wondering what they were doing etc. However the benefit of this for you is, you know it’s likely to come and get you. So you can prepare yourself. Deal with the emotions you can when you can.

Secondly, even if all her family are together and living their best life. Know internally she won’t be. She’ll have the same thoughts wondering what your doing on this day.
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#14: October 12, 2020, 05:46:03 AM
Hello,

Quote
Secondly, even if all her family are together and living their best life. Know internally she won’t be. She’ll have the same thoughts wondering what your doing on this day.

I second this as my ex was a wallower and for the holidays, she would be briefly with us and disappear. Even though she was present, she really wasn't engaged or really participated in much. It really tainted the whole event. So sometimes, not having the MLCer for the holidays can be a blessing in disguise.

When someone is in a crisis, they have a breakdown in their normal daily lives and this includes interactions with other members of the family. Your wife is having a crisis and is dealing with large amounts of stress. You, on the other hand,  are dealing with the trauma from the crisis. Her crisis comes from within her and is linked to identity, self-awareness, and past trauma that has been unresolved erupting into this meltdown.

Your trauma comes from the impact that someone you trusted and loved so deeply could betray that trust and blame you for all of their issues. The key to help you overcome the trauma is the rational realization and (hard to emotionally accept) that her crisis has little to do about you.

That's why bomb drop hits us so hard because we are so emotionally invested in this person and they are such an integrally part of our lives that they can just leave us so easily. It is really not us, it is the intensity and depth of their crisis.

It is going to take time to heal. Try not to get sucked into the past and how things should be, but focus on making the experiences of now just as important for you. Your journey is all about healing yourself. The difference from you and your MLCer is the MLCer emotionally runs and reacts from the crisis while the LBSer confronts and rationally responds to the trauma inflicted by the crisis.

(((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

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#15: October 12, 2020, 06:42:34 AM
Hugs from me too.
And I hope you found some moments in the day to feel a little lightness or gratitude or felt a dash of being loved.

If it helps, you might want to put a grieving hat on it.
Big dates and anniversaries and traditions become dreaded things when we are grieving. They can feel like a sledgehammer waiting to fall. There is too much absence and not enough presence.
Strangely though I found that often we can girls our loins and create some work rounds or ways to cope with the big days, perhaps bc we can see them coming. The real sledgehammers I found were quite often the small ones that popped up that I did not see coming.  ::)

The rather glorious thing about us humans is our astonishing ability to adapt.
Right now, the presence of absence is real and noisy. With time, my friend, you will find it shifts to an absence of presence....which has sorrow but doesn't rip your heart out with a rusty knife....and then slowly, slowly, the rest of life begins to grow around the absence. It might not always feel like it, but most people who have grieved an intimate loss will tell you that although they didn't believe it, it did. Time, kindness and good gentle humans will do their job. X
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Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#16: October 12, 2020, 07:41:09 AM
LBS, (((HUGS))).

Not gonna lie, I’m years out and anniversaries or birthdays or milestones or any whichever calendar dates still do hurt. Less, over time, but they do.

As a woman with a special needs dog, and understanding that our pets are like children when we have them within our couplehood — I think it’s important to consider that your W forfeited any right to the dog upon leaving. The care and feeding and time investment has been left to you. No doubt the dog loves you both, and at the same time, it won’t do the dog all that much good to visit with the guilty person who left and hasn’t committedly come back.

Take a deep breath and have your doggo cared for by someone who isn’t a ghost. That may hurt, but it’s better for you and the dog too. And if it turns out you feel angry about current circumstances, that’s ok: feel that out and it will pass. You deserve love, commitment, and care — just know that there are select persons who can help you with that, and know that sometimes it is just painful to be nice to the ones who have proven that right now they can’t.

I’m glad you have been able to visit with friends. We’ve been in “lockdown” for seven months straight, and it’s been helpful for me when I think of the future, to see in your posts how ;) people still socialize. Be safe and well, and my unsolicited opinion is that anytime you need help with doggo, go to your mom.
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#17: October 12, 2020, 10:37:56 AM
I think, as much as they hurt and boy do they. I feel it especially at Christmas because all the plans I had in my head for that time are now gone. It’s not just about “getting over” the event. It’s also the plans you had for that event. If that makes sense.

But a silver lining to your cloud, is that Atleast you’ve been given this time to heal (and might I add your doing EXTREMELY well!) before the big holidays hit. I literally had BD end of November, then Christmas, NY, D6 birthday, and our anniversary then valentines. It was an AWFUL few months I won’t lie. However, that was my stepping stone. I got over all those dates in quick succession with three small babies. There really isn’t much else I can’t do. You’ll find you’ll also have your own “if I can do X. There isn’t myvh I can’t do”
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#18: October 17, 2020, 02:01:32 PM
I just wanted to take a second to thank each and every one of you who responded to my thread last weekend.   I had a chance to read it, and I definitely had tears in my eyes, reading all your thoughtful responses.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Nothing to report and I have kind of just been taking a break from the board for a couple of days.   After thanksgiving passed, I was back to normal and felt a lot stronger than I did before the holidays.   Just goes to show that with each cycle, I get stronger and stronger.

I have put my wedding ring back on my left.   Ive been trying to wear it on my right hand, but I keep having an allergic reaction of some kind.   I get a bump and it itches like crazy.   I'm not sure why given that its white gold, and when I wear it on my left hand, I dont have that issue.   I am taking it as some kind of sign.   

As for the dog, I am leaning on the not gonna bother side.   Her birthday is in 10 days and I'll reach out to her then.   I've been giving it a lot of thought, and Im going to go for the heartfelt message, letting her know she's loved, and that I hope the next year brings her peace and something else.....not sure yet.

She doesn't seem bothered by communication, I won't mention us.  Just a message with love, so she knows I dont hate her and that I care for her.

Lockdown is still in full effect.   So spending lots of time in solitude.   

Thank you again, to those who sent your kind words.  I do appreciate it

Stay safe y'all
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#19: October 18, 2020, 11:27:10 AM
It’s nice to see your update.

I must say, as I was reading the bit about joke I ring I also thought it may well be some kinda sign. But you said it yourself HA.
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#20: October 19, 2020, 10:33:57 AM
It’s nice to see your update.

I must say, as I was reading the bit about joke I ring I also thought it may well be some kinda sign. But you said it yourself HA.

Ya, Im trying to figure out of the sign is to take it off completely, or just to stop wearing it on my Right hand LOL

If I have a reaction on my left, I will know what it means in the end
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Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#21: October 20, 2020, 08:10:40 PM
LBS, (((HUGS)))

That business of skin reaction may be your body signaling that you have been carrying a lot of stress inside. It’s ok to remove rings, jewelry, clothes — heck, bras — anything that feels restrictive or heavy to you at this time, and just rest.

I’m a decades-long jewelry person and I typically never go without a ring. But I’ve learned to notice when they don’t feel good on, and to take them off when that happens. Even as symbolic and meaningful as our special rings are, life is too precious to spend it feeling uncomfortable when we have the option of making it better for ourselves. You know?

The skin reaction can be inflammation or allergy — to so many things. I thought metal might be culprit but even 22k gold has given me trouble at times. Food allergy, soap or cosmetic allergy, or natural stuff like pet dander or oils, garden or yard stuff, so many things.

I will admit here, I went to my GP about it once. He said that given everything that was going on in my life, the skin reaction was my nerves having their say. That’s when I learned that “on my last nerves” wasn’t just a thing anyone just says. The body literally will tell you when you need to stop or change something that’s bugging it/you.

And not to scare, but just a heads up — closer to perimenopause or full menopause, the body may use this signal a LOT! So give yourself permission at the earliest, to do whatever you need to do to give it and yourself some easy peace and rest. I don’t remember when BD was for you, but sometimes it does take months before the stress response shows itself, and this small discomfort is one of the ways that it does. Rest assured that it will recede in time. But ;) do rest.

I replaced my ring with a rotation of other rings. Occasionally, and for no reason I can figure, my hands will not take the ring. Any ring. That’s when I know to cut myself some much needed slack, and ;) I can’t tell you how good it feels sometimes, to just put the ring on the dresser and go to sleep without it.

We were naked before the ring, maybe. We were at birth, anyway. And sometimes it feels really natural and beautiful, to just be that way again. Maybe take it off for a night and just know that it will find its way back to your hand when that feels right.

On communicating or reaching out — I’ve felt that when I follow instinct or pull and communicate, often my h does not respond. The good part is I get the love off my chest and it’s there for him to see when/if he wants to see that. And it’s equally good when I don’t follow instinct or pull and I *don’t* communicate: that gives him space and it also leaves much room for him to maybe understand his choices mean something has very much changed. He can then make choices about how or whether he wants to connect.

I really think these crises require us to stand back and let the other person sort out its own thoughts and perceptions and wants. Just saying: it seems like they need/want a lot of leeway, and a lot of self-authority. It’s taken me a long time to understand that in my case, leaving him to his own stuff and time and decisions — and consequences or reward of those decisions — is the best way for me to love him. And that’s just me: everyone is different, and we each and all go through a lot of small decisions to find what really works for our particular situation.

The deeps of cycling can be really not fun. Not rhythmic, either. But man, there’s a lot of fortitude and understanding that comes of them. Be really good to yourself, always. And again, (((HUGS))).
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#22: October 24, 2020, 11:48:45 AM
Journaling

Its been a rough week emotionally.   I have definitely stepped back and its coming out in forms of my old depressive self.   My apartment is a mess as I have not been on top of my chores, no desire to cook meals, and just have felt like I am in a state of denial of what is happening in my situation.   I feel that something is telling me to be still, so I have been trying to honour it, but I am starting to question whether or not I'm stuck in some fantasy and choosing to ignore my reality

Yesterday, we had a really warm day here (23 degrees celsius).  So my friends and I ended up going to a patio for some drinks.  Of course I discussed my W because its still early on in the process.  One friend called out that it was twice that I mentioned getting back together with her, or working it out when she's out of crisis.   Ouch.   I definitely felt like an idiot.   One friend mentions that my W died her hair blue - my immediate reaction was "Thats not surprising".   Then his W said "no she didn't, she just cut her hair to her shoulders".  He insisted it was blue.  Queue everyone pulling their cell phone out to look up the photo to see if it really is blue.  And thats when it dawned on one of my friends - she has removed him from IG.   So others begin to look and lo behold, she removed them too.   Our group is a tight knit group of 10 - she removed 7 of them and kept 3?  She removed one of the friends but she kept his wife as a friend?   And so those in the group who have Facebook also checked there, she hasn't removed them there.  I know this is text book behaviour - remove traces of your old life, remove the friends that won't agree with your choices.  But it definitely stings.   She said in the beginning, she wanted us, after a period of separation and space to sort through the end of our marriage, to be able to remain friends, to be able to continue to be friends with our circle, with no animosity between each other.   That we would be comfortable enough to bring our new partners and not have it weird.  I get it, its the MLC talk, but she's now cut that group of friends out from her life, the one she so desperately wanted to hold on to.

At BD, I put her text message in the group chat, where she confirmed she cheated on me.   I'm not proud of this, but I obviously was not okay and needed support.   I understand that it affects her friendships with these people, but she reached out to them and told them she wasn't ready to talk about what she had done, but she would, in time.   And they never heard from her again.   

One of my friends and his W live not to far from where my W moved to.  He mentioned he saw her in his building, with a guy.   Now she lives in the same area as her sisters, so I asked if the guy looked like my brother in law - he said he couldn't remember, so I think he wasn't about to describe this guy to me.   So naturally, I begin to wonder if she's seeing a man now.   Leading up to BD, she had made comments about her sexuality (For reference, she's been gay since she was 18 - she was married to a woman before, and when she was in her teens, she tried to have sex with a guy but she was so grossed out that she laughed at his junk and then had to leave - thats how gay she was).   So a few months prior to BD, she made a comment about questioning her sexuality.   And I asked her at that time, do we need to have a chat about something?   She said no, but she's just saying, if she were single and met a man, she wouldn't not date him because she doesn't believe in labels.   I guess I didn't want to broach the subject with her as my last long term GF cheated on me with men, so this obviously triggers me.

And so now, today, I struggle.  I've always thought she may choose to pursue something with a man - and I wondered if thats my line.   Would I ever be able to reconnect with her, if that opportunity presented itself, knowing she had been with a man?   I struggle a lot with being in a relationship with a woman who then changes her preference to men.   This would be the second relationship where this happened to me, so it hurts.   I question myself, what is it about me that causes this?  Is it because I present as a masculine dyke?  Does my look and demeanour resemble that of a man, minus the parts?  Does that confuse women?   Its something I need to work through because it really affects my self esteem.

Is it a new friend?  Is it a lover?  I dont have the answers, and I can be purely speculating and expecting the worst I guess.  But its definitely affected me.

Last night, I ended up being "intimate" with another woman.   It wasn't full on, but there was definitely some physical things that happened.   I woke up this morning and naturally, my W was on my mind.   Yuck.   I got up, got dressed, and snuck out and did the walk of shame home, in shorts, in 8 degree weather LOL.   I dont regret last night, but its clear as day that my W's actions (and non actions), still affect me.   I am thankful that she only came to mind the morning after, and not during as that would have been incredible awkward.

I went to pick my dog up from my mom this morning and shared with her what I found out, and about the man thing bothering me.   She told me its not me, and I know this, but it still stings, it still hurts, and its definitely opened some unhealed trauma wounds.

On the streetcar today, I thought of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind.   I wish that I was able to do that.   I wish I could erase this from my mind.   I wish I could be in a different place at a different time.   One where Im not so confused and not so damaged and broken

And yesterday, I took my wedding ring off my left hand and moved it back to my right.   I didn't want my friends to ask why I was wearing it, but after yesterdays turn of events with my W defriending the group, and possibly having a BF, I think its time to keep it off.
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#23: October 25, 2020, 04:00:10 AM
It really is kinda funny how they are so so similar.

I remember about 6 months after BD clington removed everyone from following him on insta. Even his own family. What made it even funnier was, I was the last person to go, and so I saw his process - remove all my old family and friends from following me - upload a photo with ow in. His followers went from 200-300 people. The usual people we all have online. Family. Friends. People from work. That type of thing. To literally 6 people. The only people left at the end were Ow and people who knew her personally. He also deleted all his photos...including photos of the children which was semi hurtful.  So yuno, make of that what you will. But I always said him posting her, after removing everyone. Made the loud and proud statement he attempted to make, very pointless.

I also totally understand why her being with a man is your line. However the one thing I’ve seen is that, these MLCers will change everything, searching for happiness. “Oh it was my wife making me unhappy. Get rid. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m sun happy again. It was my hair. Chop it off. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again. It was being a lesbian. Go straight. Yay I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again”. I know I’ve seen it in clington jumping from one hobby and interest to the next. Changing everything.

Hang in there! Your doing fine!!
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#24: October 27, 2020, 10:03:24 AM
It really is kinda funny how they are so so similar.

I remember about 6 months after BD clington removed everyone from following him on insta. Even his own family. What made it even funnier was, I was the last person to go, and so I saw his process - remove all my old family and friends from following me - upload a photo with ow in. His followers went from 200-300 people. The usual people we all have online. Family. Friends. People from work. That type of thing. To literally 6 people. The only people left at the end were Ow and people who knew her personally. He also deleted all his photos...including photos of the children which was semi hurtful.  So yuno, make of that what you will. But I always said him posting her, after removing everyone. Made the loud and proud statement he attempted to make, very pointless.

I also totally understand why her being with a man is your line. However the one thing I’ve seen is that, these MLCers will change everything, searching for happiness. “Oh it was my wife making me unhappy. Get rid. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m sun happy again. It was my hair. Chop it off. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again. It was being a lesbian. Go straight. Yay I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again”. I know I’ve seen it in clington jumping from one hobby and interest to the next. Changing everything.

Hang in there! Your doing fine!!

Thanks Sachat, I know logically all of what you wrote, but I guess my detachment hasn't fully kicked in yet since it still gets to me.

I had therapy yesterday and the entire hour was talking about my W.  My therapist said its time for me to turn the pilot light off for her because based on our text from a month ago, it sounds like my W has moved on and has shelved our marriage.   That stung.

Wife, today is your birthday.   I thought about sending you something in the hopes that I could speak to the old you.   Something to remind you what you meant to me, and how amazing we really did have it.   I thought about all those surprise dinners and get aways that I had always sprung on you.   I dont know how I got away with so many surprises.   Last year, we were with our friends, the ones you have now removed from your life.   We all dressed up in costumes and spent the day touring wineries.   People came up to us and complimented us on our costume.  Surrounded by friends who loved us, we had an amazing weekend with each other, with our friends.   Now, they aren't even part of your world.   To those who worked so hard to make that weekend possible, you have discarded them

Then, I think of all the birthdays of mine.   I always made a point of doing something for your birthday, surrounding you with love from friends and family.   Surprise parties, dinners, get togethers.  In our 10 year relationship, you only did that for me once, for my 40th.  You knew how much I loved birthdays yet you rarely ever wished me a happy birthday at midnight. 

I realize that I put too much into you, it seems that I always have.   And so as I reflect on your day today, I will send you a message later, at some point.   And it will be simple and to the point.   No more of me is gifted to you.

I still hope you have a good day, but its no longer my responsibility to make sure its a good day.
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#25: October 27, 2020, 12:05:11 PM
LL, like so many of the holidays and the milestones of our lives and relationships, birthdays are hard in this weird place called MLC. It is natural to be thinking of her at this time but I like what you’re thinking here. You honor the very real history between you and W, you acknowledge the good and the not-as-good in your relationship. Most importantly, you show the loving detachment of, “I hope you have a good day, but it is no longer my responsibility to help that happen for you.”

I’m sure it isn’t easy but know that you are on a good path. Thinking positive thoughts for you.
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#26: October 27, 2020, 02:32:34 PM
I’m sure it isn’t easy but know that you are on a good path. Thinking positive thoughts for you.

Thanks - It doesn't always feel like I'm on a good path, but so go the cycles

I finally texted her at 4:45.  I simply said "Happy Birthday, Name.  Enjoy your day.  Take care"

And if I'm being honest, acknowledging her birthday felt more like an obligation and less of a kind gesture.
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#27: October 28, 2020, 04:09:11 AM
I know that feeling. I always acknowledge clingtons birthday. Christmas Father’s Day etc. But very rarely is it from me. I do give him a jokey gift every year on our anniversary. From me. Things like this February would have been out 10 year anniversary. Which is year of tin. So I got him a card with a love heart on the front. Drew zig zags in the middle. Gave him a tin of cider (one I knew he would give back to me) and wrote in the card “Clinton, 10 years is the year of tin. Have a tinny on me. I would wish you the best but you already had it. Bye Au revior Tschuss.” I didn’t really do it for him but to give me a giggle. So I know the feeling you have or it being an obligation. I always feel the same at birthdays but that’s because of the girls.

These dates are always hard but they do get easier as time goes on. Cut yourself some slack
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#28: October 28, 2020, 06:49:47 AM
I know that feeling. I always acknowledge clingtons birthday. Christmas Father’s Day etc. But very rarely is it from me. I do give him a jokey gift every year on our anniversary. From me. Things like this February would have been out 10 year anniversary. Which is year of tin. So I got him a card with a love heart on the front. Drew zig zags in the middle. Gave him a tin of cider (one I knew he would give back to me) and wrote in the card “Clinton, 10 years is the year of tin. Have a tinny on me. I would wish you the best but you already had it. Bye Au revior Tschuss.” I didn’t really do it for him but to give me a giggle. So I know the feeling you have or it being an obligation. I always feel the same at birthdays but that’s because of the girls.

These dates are always hard but they do get easier as time goes on. Cut yourself some slack

That anniversary gift is hilarious!  I dont think I would ever be able to do that LOL

I messaged my W yesterday and she responded this morning with a "Thanks LBS Les, Take care too"

And somehow - that feels like closure to me.

Its probably a cycle, but I feel myself letting go.
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#29: October 28, 2020, 09:29:02 AM
I did it for the first BD one too. The first BD anniversary, was a card that read on the outside “happy one year anniversary” and inside I wrote “happy one year without me. I don’t know how you’ve coped” and it had a hamper of things with a tag on. I bought him paracetamol and the tag said “to numb the pain” some tissues; the tag read “dry your eyes mate”. Gillette shaving foam “you’ve already had the best a man can get” one of those mini bottles or vodka “to drown your sorrows” that type of thing. The BD one, whilst it made him laugh etc. It helped me a lot more so was worth it.  I’m naturally a rather funny and sarcastic person so it wasn’t out of my character but it defo helped me to close that chapter. So to speak.

The funnt thing was about the 10 year anniversary, he gave me the dark fruit cider (which I’m glad about) but took the card with him. Im 100% certain it didn’t go on his mantle piece at home with Ow though 😂

Maybe it is a cycle. Maybe it’s not. The thing with cycling like this is you won’t know until your at the other end weather it was your closure. Or cycling. Time will tell. But either way, you’ll bounce back. Like a hyperactive tigger.
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Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#30: October 28, 2020, 11:51:02 AM
Dear LBS, (((HUGS))).

The birthdays are tough, other holidays and special days too. Last summer I spent h’s at a museum only a short drive from where I knew he was, not on purpose but because I legitimately had to be there. It was a deep and profoundly almost religious reason, a “roots” task and family honoring I needed to complete; he had full awareness of it but had weeks before ignored my messaging, and so I was there without him. He was livid when he “found out” a few days later. I understood it was kind of facile or stupid for him to be mad; how can you be angry when you’d been given the information and declined to engage.

His birthday was very, very hard for me regardless. But when I remember it now, a year and some months since, what I remember is the image of my own hands “holding” an important relic of my own most important family past. It was pure accident or pure blessing, that the photo came out the way it did. I don’t think I could ever explain adequately what that photo, and what that moment of Self-realization and Self-integration and Self-healing, mean to me. Even this long later. There is a photo like it from when my D was a tiny girl, and the two “selfies” match up in a way that I wouldn’t get right even if I set it all up deliberately, which I hadn’t.

In one, I am clear and fully physical; I am a beautiful mother holding a beautiful baby girl, both of us in shadow but vibrant and strong. In the other, I am all shadow, my hands “holding” the body of an ancient and troubling god.

Like a baby. And from the front, the god’s visage carved in the squall of grief and abandonment, I saw, and pure pain at disconnection from the ones who loved and on whom it was, in all its vitality and power, fully dependent.

My point is that at some point you will find yourself moved to or drawn to some other experience on those key calendar days. Notice the symbols that have always existed in your own story and inner dreams. Some detail in you has been asking to come forward for honoring, for many years, and it might be even dark or something that has been troubling a long time below the surface.

Some detail in you has been calling for your attention and nurturance, for honoring of it and yourself, and for healing.

Whatever it is, it might seem odd. Don’t be afraid to go to the deepest parts of You.

When a spouse has left us, it’s so easy and natural to focus on all the questions about them. One pure truth is that they’ve left us the opportunity to go into our own surprisingly uncharted selves and to make clearer who and what we really are.

And we’re amazing.

We are no less amazing than they are. Some unloved or unbeloved or superficially unwelcome part of You is crying out now for you to tend it as lovingly as you would any new life or to respect it as tenderly as you would an ancient god.

I am so sorry you’ve been stuck with the terrible question of whether your w has switched sides and gone straight. Whatever she explores or determines, that just is not at all about you, your value, your identity or sexuality or presentation or anything else. I resonate with your creativity and generosity in celebrating the person you’ve loved; I don’t think the imbalance in giving or cleverness really indicates the measure of anyone’s love. It’s just that someone like you or me gives more expressively or visibly. Some would say that is a God-given talent. It may be that people who are not like us in this way just have different love language, or haven’t tapped or been permitted to tap the expressiveness they may feel inside.

I didn’t go full-tilt in celebrations until I became a mom. So my gift-giving and celebrations of others for 35 years before that were milder, more tentative, more vulnerable, and shy. For whatever that is worth; I don’t know that anyone had complaints or pain about how I did things or didn’t. I did love, I know that. Just maybe showed it in different ways, and sometimes only by showing up.

Life is hard. Loving, sometimes, out loud and proud, is also hard. We can’t change people or why they are the ways they are. We can just love and keep showing it.

Being deprived suddenly of the opportunities to show love, is REALLY hard.

Being cut off and not reasonably permitted or welcome to show how grandly and completely we adore someone we love, is the absolute sh!ts.

I don’t think we are show-offs or that there is any power play in the ways we gift and give to our beloveds. In its best examples, it is just an uplifting and amplification and sharing out of the joy that is there to begin with. For me it was a way of living, and I really thrived in secretly plotting each special day months in advance and loving and living it forward. My own plans made me really happy, from the moment of inception to the moment of reveal, and every time any of it was brought up afterward.

I was good at that and it sounds like you really were too. We both still are. It’s just on sabbatical for now. You know?

I ultimately came home from that experience having unexpectedly held the ancient god in my own hands, having swum in open waters with circling nine-foot sharks *on purpose*, and having connected with important family records on my own birthday. It’s the first time I definitively used my celebration strengths to give so, so deeply to my own Self.

I immediately went after some small thing to cement it all, afterward, and ended up in the bosom of a community of strangers who, when they sent whatever had been purchased, sent it along with any number of side thank you gifts. So that each mailing arrived here full of creativity and care. The first time I received a parcel, I wept.

Other people are like you and will show you they DO like you, just as a matter of course. And it’s weird when that happens, if we’ve been the most expressive one in our own couplehood for a long time.

I am not saying our more stoic or less expressive spouses are or were the wrong kind of people for us. Just that when we find community within which pretty much *everyone* celebrates even minor exchanges the same ways we might, that’s a boon and a balm and may even take some getting used to.

The parcels I send out, especially around key special days that used to be for h or S or our family together, I send during those times now to people I’ve never met. But packaging a purchased item with care, and adding in the odds and ends and sweet messages or asides, it makes my heart feel still aligned with itself and my old family and spousal rhythms.

It’s a transference, but without expectation or attachment, and so without disappointment. It’s fulfilling and I feel light when I send these things off. I recognize that I felt the same lightness when activating celebration in special and even pleasantly anonymous ways for people at work. One year during the Super Bowl, I filled a coworker’s physical mailbox with sweets in their team’s colors. I never even worked with that guy and couldn’t even pull him out of a lineup; I just knew he was the one in the company who was really excited and proud of that team. They did win and the sweets were distributed and I never did say there that I’d been the one to do that. It was the talk of the office and nobody knew. It was just something that happened, like magic.

What I’m saying is that there will be many avenues through which your love of life can be cultivated and shared to many others, in many special ways. Consider yourself a holy instrument of joy; it’s a much-needed role and if and when you can rise to the occasion, you’re a blessing.

You are anyway.

You are an essential living example of expressive love, much needed.

*

Back to the topic of w maybe going straight, that isn’t on you and it isn’t any reflection on your worth, identity, flow, strength, or presentation, in public or in private intimacy.

You be you, do you, and just know that universally and regardless of gender, sexuality, embodiment, or anything else, loving and intimacy and interpersonal functioning are sometimes just difficult or perplexing or include doubt.

People change their minds and ways and hearts and I can’t stand that, but then I do it too. So it is just something we all do. And it really, really hurts, sometimes more than other times, and there are a LOT of questions that no matter how crucial never do seem to get fully answered. Or else are answered in ways we never expected.

What I want to say to you is that really we have no guarantee anyone is ever fully gone from our lives unless we have made ourselves an ardent and absolute commitment that they should be. Sometimes it’s easy to make that decision even if we have loved them very much. Other times it is just a fluctuating thing that changes fairly often and for reasons we don’t quite understand. As cishet I know that men always seem to come back, for whatever reasons good or bad or in between. Within my LGBT community I know that women often do, too. Humans just do. It’s sort of unnatural to stay away forever from ones we’ve loved and grown with.

I know you already know so much of all this. I am maybe just telling you, I feel you, and I’m here for your journey.

She’s going to come up a lot. Your therapist knows that. But anytime she does, it’s an opportunity for you to see more deeply into your own Self and all your Good. (((HUGS)))
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#31: November 02, 2020, 12:50:08 PM
Thanks for your very thoughtful reply Terra - its very detailed and easy to visualize and follow, I feel like im reading a story or watching a movie.

I understand that her sexuality could be in question as part of this crisis.   Its still hard not to take it personally, well, was.

I made a decision on her birthday to keep my text to her, short and simple, not sweet.  A message I would send to an acquaintance. I stewed a lot that day and really began to see things in my M that I didn't like.  Would I divorce her over these things?  No, I just would have continued to settle in some of those areas, had this crisis not hit.   But it has, and its left me wanting more.  I loved my wife to pieces.....a bit too much.   I gave her more energy than I gave myself.  And I continued to do this after BD, up until her birthday.

And then something shifted.   I told myself "No More".   She's made it clear she doesn't want me in her life, so why am I putting my energy into her trying to figure out where she's at, if she's dating, sleeping with men, whatever.  I've dropped the rope.  Like I think I felt before that I had dropped the rope, but this feels different.  I no longer worry about the future.   Divorce is starting to cross my mind.   I'm thinking about just starting the finances and separation process to get this $h!te moving, so that I can be released and free.  I look back to how much of a mess I was after BD.   How broken she left me feeling.   Months and Months of despair.   I dont think I can turn back, I dont think I want to forgive.

I have a good life.   I have friends, family, I love my space, I love being on my own, not having someone here with me, not worrying about being scrutinized for not doing dishes after dinner.  I dont have to seek approval from someone, I dont want to.   I am at peace being responsible to myself.  I dunno, there is just a shift, and I am very indifferent to my W now.

Its been almost a week since this feeling - I have not wavered in my thinking as of yet.  When I feel my mind drifting to empathy, the anger in me steps in and says NO, ENOUGH. 

I helped my friend move this weekend.  She moved into my W's area (if not directly on her street).  I was worried last week I would bump into my W, but honestly, when the day came, I actually hoped she saw our car parked on the street.   I hoped that she would see it and have her heart drop into the pit of her stomach.   I hoped she saw me so she could know what feeling terrorized felt like.  I guess resentment has taken over.

Her SIL knew I was in the area thanks to SM and she made a comment that she lives near where I was.   I said sorry for your loss.  But when you see me around, dont be shy and say hi!  I know that will get back to W - good.   You get to now live in the fear I had lived in for so many months.  You now get to wonder if you're going to bump into me.  You're now gonna live in fear that I may have actually figured out where you lived when you wanted to hide it so well.

And as for where my W moved to?  Good god.   Its horrible.   It looks like a low income neighbourhood.   Now I grew up poor, so I am not trying to come across as judgemental, but based on the salary she and I make (its very good), she should not be living in this neighbourhood.  The buildings are old, and gross, dirty.   Theres cars all over the street, parking is a $h!te show, its an urban hell.  And I feel bad saying this since my friend moved into that area and is super excited about having her own place, but there are so many other options in the city.  And while I was there, I thought to myself "For her to give up our house, our pool, our nice neighbourhood, for this?  She's clearly in crisis".

I fell asleep on the couch last night.  Woke up this morning as I saw a text from S come in.   It was a monkey emoticon.  But I went to reach for my phone and then it hit me, I hadn't received a text from her, it somehow was a dream.  So I rolled back over and went back to sleep.

I woke up and went about my day and started to work.  Take a second to look at my phone and noticed I had a notification.  Weird, I didn't hear anything come up?  It was a text from S.  She messaged to see how I have been doing, hopes I am well and staying warm.  This text came about 3 hours after I "dreamt" she messaged me.   I didn't hear it as I had her muted after her constant silent treatments.

I waited a bit and replied.  I thought about why I would, and the reason I wouldn't reply is, when she goes quiet on me, it triggers my abandonment wounds.  So by ignoring her, I am just avoiding dealing with those wounds.  So I replied in kind, with no expectations.   We have exchanged a few messages, she's acknowledged she hasn't been the best at keeping in contact with friends in the last little while, and we are now catching up.

But I dont doubt she will go back on silent mode.   I say no expectations, but I still have some - just not good ones.
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#32: November 08, 2020, 10:30:06 AM
So, I have been speaking to one of my SIL's quite a bit this week about election stuff.   My W's family is from the US and have been living in Canada for 30 years now.   I had asked her to make sure that she gets the family to do their vote since this was a super important election.  She said they were all voting

So with this weeks antics, we had shared a few messages on Facebook regarding the race.   Yesterday, after it was announced Biden won, she sent me a picture of her and my niece in front of the TV celebrating the Biden victory.   I responded and said thanks for doing your part by voting in such an important state (AZ)!  I also asked her to say Hi to niece for me, I miss her face.

I got a voice message reply, and then she wrote, "I told her she could see you so she corrected it" and then sent another voice message.   I didn't listen to it yesterday as I was meeting up with friends, and I didn't want it to affect me, since I had an understanding of what the message was going to say

So this morning, while making my coffee, I decided to listen.   Niece said she realllllly misses auntie LBS_Les, and she really misses seeing me, but she cant see me anymore.   That hurt.  I cried.

I know of course that we cannot see one another.   As much as I would love to maintain a relationship with the kids who I witnessed the birth of, and upbringing, it isn't something that is sustainable.   I've dropped the rope with W.   It wouldn't be fair to her new partners in life, to have an Ex W in the background maintaining a relationship with the kids.   It wouldn't be fair to the girls to have a relationship with someone who is no longer married to their Aunt.

I know this logically is the way things go, but hearing her little voice telling me she missed me and misses seeing me, definitely struct a cord.

Otherwise, for the most part, I have been great since dropping the rope.  I'm a bit on the "angry" side of things, and have a therapy appointment scheduled for this week, because I need to let that anger go.   I also have to go for some testing for a potential health issue.   I don't think its going to be serious, but I will have to go for scans and that of course, worries me that if it turns out to be something, I will be in it alone.   I of course have my friends and family, I will be okay, I will cross that bridge IF it gets there.   I try not to put too much energy into it as the energy you put out, comes back to you.   So I will continue to be positive that these scans are just going to confirm that I have some scar tissue from a surgery all those years back.   And if something else transpires, I will deal with it then.

And lastly, while I am not being totally reckless, I have been having these mounting feelings of "I dont have much time left".   I'm searching vitamins to take, best smoothie recipes for daily consumption to eat a bit healthier.   I want to start running (but I have a fractured toe that is preventing me from doing so).   In a way, I guess this is what Mid Life looks like.  You start to question what do you want the remainder of your life to look like?  I dont have the answers right now, but I guess I will find out.

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#33: November 12, 2020, 02:51:29 PM
So this morning, while making my coffee, I decided to listen.   Niece said she realllllly misses auntie LBS_Les, and she really misses seeing me, but she cant see me anymore.   That hurt.  I cried.

I know of course that we cannot see one another.   As much as I would love to maintain a relationship with the kids who I witnessed the birth of, and upbringing, it isn't something that is sustainable.   I've dropped the rope with W.   It wouldn't be fair to her new partners in life, to have an Ex W in the background maintaining a relationship with the kids.   It wouldn't be fair to the girls to have a relationship with someone who is no longer married to their Aunt.


I am so sorry. I distinctly remember how this felt when I went through it. I wanted to have those relationships so bad. It is really difficult and heartbreaking because they don't understand. You just disappear (well I was immediately replaced  :-\) It's getting close to 3 years for me and I still miss them.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

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#34: November 13, 2020, 05:08:56 AM
I can totally understand why that must be hard. I’m quite lucky clingtons only cousin in the UK is an acquired taste so a lot of the times I find myself think “thank god”
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#35: November 19, 2020, 04:17:49 PM
Tonight marks 10 months of BD anniversary (well, technically tomorrow morning when she confirmed that she was at hotel with another woman blah blah blah).   Guess this explains the shift in my mood for the last couple of days.   Subconscious knows all!

Nothing on the MLC front - life with a vanisher, goes on.

Yesterday, had to go get a mammogram, ultrasound and X-ray done.   I teared up during the Ultrasound but I had a very kind technician talk me off the ledge.   When I went for the mammogram, the technician there made a comment that put me at ease as she mentioned she felt what I suspected is the issue.   But now, I wait results

I did have some anxiety leading up to the appointment, despite telling myself we will cross that bridge IF we get there, but we know how anxiety can be a bit of a b!tc#.

But I will manage whatever comes my way.   Its a test of my resolve.   Its a step in growing up.   Its a step in being comfortable in being alone and not needing anyone else.   If my W and I were together, I would have asked her to take the day off with me to come with me to my appointment.  It probably would have been a fight as she would have come up with an excuse as to why work was more important than a potential health issue. 

The dark evenings are definitely affecting me mentally, but I am kinder to myself.   I remind myself that every year is the same, and every year I get the depression.   So I sit with it, even in the uncomfortable moments.

I continue to ask god and the universe for the strength to continue on, and I feel it.   I no longer ask to help my wife (I've never asked for her return to our M, but have asked she find herself again).   While she lives rent free in my mind, the occasions are becoming less and less, but that does not mean I will expend my own energy on praying for her healing.   Not my monkey, not my circus.

S is back on the scene, and its amazing how things work out.   She too had some issues, and had to go for the same tests as I.   She shared this information with me, so that explains why she went radio silent on me.   Between her family's health issues, and her own scare, she clearly had a lot on her plate.  So I shared that I too have to have the similar tests run.   Hers came back fine, so I am hoping mine do as well.    But because the universe works in funny ways, I have now deemed her my "breast buddy"

10 months.   Sometimes Im in denial, sometimes I want to move on.   A little voice tells me to be patient.   But I dont think its in me.

But I have no choice.   While I am not waiting, I am not going to put my life on pause.   I will continue to work on me, and wait for that day when I know my mind will be made up.

Its not today.

So tonight, I will enjoy a couple of beers.   I wish I could wish her a happy cheataversary, so she can have a drink with me in spirit, but to be honest, she probably doesn't even realize the date.  firetruck the fog.

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#36: November 19, 2020, 05:55:21 PM
LL, thinking good thoughts for you. I hope your results are as good as your buddy’s.

As for the stand or whatever might happen with your W... there are few decisions that are truly irrevocable. At the same time, much like there is no timeline on her MLC, there is no absolute timeline on your stand or your healing process. Just keep making each day the best it can be, and when you have days that aren’t as good as you’d like, love yourself anyway and accept that that’s okay. And know that you have several shoulders to lean on here anytime you need them.
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#37: November 20, 2020, 05:42:23 AM
I have mu fingers toes and hair follicles crossed for you.

When it comes to anniversaries they can sting like a b!tc#. So I usually find a few jokey things to do. It lightens the mood. I haven’t done any this year as I haven’t been triggered. I mentioned on my own thread I’m beginning to feel numb. But one thing I always aloud myself to do was cry. I never bottled anything in. And then I took the p!$$ out of the situation. Weather that be like the gifts I gave clington which I mentioned. Sometimes me and my pals turn onto b!tches and we used to laugh at ow selfies. Anything that helps you cope. Go with it. But for what it’s worth, the first ones always sting the worst.
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#38: November 20, 2020, 06:03:24 PM
Quote
But for what it’s worth, the first ones always sting the worst.

Yep! It does get better. Big hugs and I too will be sending out the good vibes/prayers/juju for good test results.
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#39: November 21, 2020, 05:35:23 PM
Thank you guys for your well wishes and vibes.  I haven't heard anything back, but I am sure I will post what my results are, when they return.

Hugs and gratitude
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#40: November 22, 2020, 02:26:43 AM
My general rule of thumb is no news is good news. Not that it makes it any easier waiting. I remember when D4 was D1 and she had the sweat test for cystic fibrosis. The wait was agonising. It took forever but they said, the give the bad news out first. So no news really was good news and that stick with me.
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#41: November 27, 2020, 08:10:56 PM
Posting before the weekend - when the forum is pretty quiet  ;D

To my American friends, I hope you were able to celebrate your holiday, and gave thanks to what you had - even if its not what you wanted, or expected to be in this weird 2020.

Its been a rough couple of weeks for me.   We are in lockdown here in Toronto.   Its annoying AF as the source of infections seem to be with gatherings, but our government has shut us out of everything and says we need to do our part.   The population of Toronto is 3million, in its core.   Our daily cases hover around 450-500.   The government has said "stay home".  They have forbidden dining, gatherings, shopping, theatres, all of it.  Im getting COVID fatigue.    Im tired of being told what to do when you aren't even citing the source of the issue.    Cancel weddings, fine people having house parties.   Dont confine me to a Stage 1 lockdown for 28 days.   Im getting fed up.

Speaking of getting fed up, Im hitting a fed up point with my marriage.  I had therapy the other day and she noted that I've definitely done a 180 with my W.   And I know we cycle, but right now, Im done.   I get it - its her crisis, and Ive been trying to be empathetic to it, but firetruck that.    Where is my self worth?   Why am I making excuses for her $h!te?   And thats where I sit.   I'm done making excuses for the demise of my marriage.   I'm done "waiting" for her to approach me about divorce.

firetruck her and her actions.   Ya, the anger stage is here.

And Im holding on to it - because Im better than her crisis.   Im not someone who is going to sit idle and wait for her to go through her journey.    I too am going through a journey, and through it, I realize I want more.   I want more than what W offered in our Marriage.   I want more than who she's become.   I want more, than to make excuses for the reasons she's become who she's become.

I haven't done it yet, but I will reach out to her and tell her its time to start settling finances and starting to close out the chapter of our lives.   When I met her, she was "legally" married to her ex still.   She was still sending money to her STBXW for their debt.   So what, Im going to sit here and make excuses about her MLC as to why she's not paying?   firetruck that - its time for her actions to have consequences.

Im angry, this post shows it.   Im going to try to hold on to this anger, for as long as I possibly can because firetruck HER. 

Im done
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#42: November 27, 2020, 08:27:35 PM
LBS-Les -
First, I'm sorry that you're angry.
Anger can be good - as long as you use it constructively and not destructively.
Let it guide you to look inside as to WHY you're angry - besides the fact that your wife is having a MLC, it's not fair and it hurts.
Look deep inside and grow from it - you're still so early into this process.  Standing or not, there's so much healing and growth from going through this process.
We're here for you.
Hoping that your weekend is good, despite covid, despite MLC. 
Self care for yourself is important...
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#43: November 27, 2020, 08:59:36 PM
Thanks Sea.

I've been in the anger stage before, but I've since learned that anger is a secondary emotion to another.   And I still believe that. 

But I've been doing an autopsy of my marriage.   There are values and actions I want from someone who claims to love me.   I cant look back and see that W did that.   I'm starting to see that maybe my M wasn't as great as I thought it was.   I realize now through my journey, I deserve more, I want more, and W was never going to give that to me.

So ya, I'll hold on to the anger as I continue to work through those motions.   But looking back and knowing now, what I want from a partnership, she doesn't fit into my space.

And Im not sure she ever did.

I guess I was living in a fantasy.  Call it limerance, call it co-dependency, call it whatever.  I WANT and DESERVE much more than what W had given me.

And im willing to walk away to let it come to me, some day (I'm not seeking, but I have a strong faith that it will be sent to me)
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Me (W) 43 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

s
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  • Gender: Female
Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#44: November 28, 2020, 06:11:12 AM
I think what your feeling is similar to what a friend of mine was feeling. And I said to her “don’t let your boyfriend stop you finding your husband”. And that seems where you are. That if you keep holding on for your wife, you may miss someone amazing. Because you are 100% right. You do deserve more. You deserve the world and so you should be in search of that.

By thag I don’t just mean, finding another partner. It may be new friends or strengthening existing friendships. It may be anything. But you deserve a life so full of love
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

 

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