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Author Topic: My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2

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My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#20: October 19, 2020, 10:33:57 AM
It’s nice to see your update.

I must say, as I was reading the bit about joke I ring I also thought it may well be some kinda sign. But you said it yourself HA.

Ya, Im trying to figure out of the sign is to take it off completely, or just to stop wearing it on my Right hand LOL

If I have a reaction on my left, I will know what it means in the end
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Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#21: October 20, 2020, 08:10:40 PM
LBS, (((HUGS)))

That business of skin reaction may be your body signaling that you have been carrying a lot of stress inside. It’s ok to remove rings, jewelry, clothes — heck, bras — anything that feels restrictive or heavy to you at this time, and just rest.

I’m a decades-long jewelry person and I typically never go without a ring. But I’ve learned to notice when they don’t feel good on, and to take them off when that happens. Even as symbolic and meaningful as our special rings are, life is too precious to spend it feeling uncomfortable when we have the option of making it better for ourselves. You know?

The skin reaction can be inflammation or allergy — to so many things. I thought metal might be culprit but even 22k gold has given me trouble at times. Food allergy, soap or cosmetic allergy, or natural stuff like pet dander or oils, garden or yard stuff, so many things.

I will admit here, I went to my GP about it once. He said that given everything that was going on in my life, the skin reaction was my nerves having their say. That’s when I learned that “on my last nerves” wasn’t just a thing anyone just says. The body literally will tell you when you need to stop or change something that’s bugging it/you.

And not to scare, but just a heads up — closer to perimenopause or full menopause, the body may use this signal a LOT! So give yourself permission at the earliest, to do whatever you need to do to give it and yourself some easy peace and rest. I don’t remember when BD was for you, but sometimes it does take months before the stress response shows itself, and this small discomfort is one of the ways that it does. Rest assured that it will recede in time. But ;) do rest.

I replaced my ring with a rotation of other rings. Occasionally, and for no reason I can figure, my hands will not take the ring. Any ring. That’s when I know to cut myself some much needed slack, and ;) I can’t tell you how good it feels sometimes, to just put the ring on the dresser and go to sleep without it.

We were naked before the ring, maybe. We were at birth, anyway. And sometimes it feels really natural and beautiful, to just be that way again. Maybe take it off for a night and just know that it will find its way back to your hand when that feels right.

On communicating or reaching out — I’ve felt that when I follow instinct or pull and communicate, often my h does not respond. The good part is I get the love off my chest and it’s there for him to see when/if he wants to see that. And it’s equally good when I don’t follow instinct or pull and I *don’t* communicate: that gives him space and it also leaves much room for him to maybe understand his choices mean something has very much changed. He can then make choices about how or whether he wants to connect.

I really think these crises require us to stand back and let the other person sort out its own thoughts and perceptions and wants. Just saying: it seems like they need/want a lot of leeway, and a lot of self-authority. It’s taken me a long time to understand that in my case, leaving him to his own stuff and time and decisions — and consequences or reward of those decisions — is the best way for me to love him. And that’s just me: everyone is different, and we each and all go through a lot of small decisions to find what really works for our particular situation.

The deeps of cycling can be really not fun. Not rhythmic, either. But man, there’s a lot of fortitude and understanding that comes of them. Be really good to yourself, always. And again, (((HUGS))).
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Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#22: October 24, 2020, 11:48:45 AM
Journaling

Its been a rough week emotionally.   I have definitely stepped back and its coming out in forms of my old depressive self.   My apartment is a mess as I have not been on top of my chores, no desire to cook meals, and just have felt like I am in a state of denial of what is happening in my situation.   I feel that something is telling me to be still, so I have been trying to honour it, but I am starting to question whether or not I'm stuck in some fantasy and choosing to ignore my reality

Yesterday, we had a really warm day here (23 degrees celsius).  So my friends and I ended up going to a patio for some drinks.  Of course I discussed my W because its still early on in the process.  One friend called out that it was twice that I mentioned getting back together with her, or working it out when she's out of crisis.   Ouch.   I definitely felt like an idiot.   One friend mentions that my W died her hair blue - my immediate reaction was "Thats not surprising".   Then his W said "no she didn't, she just cut her hair to her shoulders".  He insisted it was blue.  Queue everyone pulling their cell phone out to look up the photo to see if it really is blue.  And thats when it dawned on one of my friends - she has removed him from IG.   So others begin to look and lo behold, she removed them too.   Our group is a tight knit group of 10 - she removed 7 of them and kept 3?  She removed one of the friends but she kept his wife as a friend?   And so those in the group who have Facebook also checked there, she hasn't removed them there.  I know this is text book behaviour - remove traces of your old life, remove the friends that won't agree with your choices.  But it definitely stings.   She said in the beginning, she wanted us, after a period of separation and space to sort through the end of our marriage, to be able to remain friends, to be able to continue to be friends with our circle, with no animosity between each other.   That we would be comfortable enough to bring our new partners and not have it weird.  I get it, its the MLC talk, but she's now cut that group of friends out from her life, the one she so desperately wanted to hold on to.

At BD, I put her text message in the group chat, where she confirmed she cheated on me.   I'm not proud of this, but I obviously was not okay and needed support.   I understand that it affects her friendships with these people, but she reached out to them and told them she wasn't ready to talk about what she had done, but she would, in time.   And they never heard from her again.   

One of my friends and his W live not to far from where my W moved to.  He mentioned he saw her in his building, with a guy.   Now she lives in the same area as her sisters, so I asked if the guy looked like my brother in law - he said he couldn't remember, so I think he wasn't about to describe this guy to me.   So naturally, I begin to wonder if she's seeing a man now.   Leading up to BD, she had made comments about her sexuality (For reference, she's been gay since she was 18 - she was married to a woman before, and when she was in her teens, she tried to have sex with a guy but she was so grossed out that she laughed at his junk and then had to leave - thats how gay she was).   So a few months prior to BD, she made a comment about questioning her sexuality.   And I asked her at that time, do we need to have a chat about something?   She said no, but she's just saying, if she were single and met a man, she wouldn't not date him because she doesn't believe in labels.   I guess I didn't want to broach the subject with her as my last long term GF cheated on me with men, so this obviously triggers me.

And so now, today, I struggle.  I've always thought she may choose to pursue something with a man - and I wondered if thats my line.   Would I ever be able to reconnect with her, if that opportunity presented itself, knowing she had been with a man?   I struggle a lot with being in a relationship with a woman who then changes her preference to men.   This would be the second relationship where this happened to me, so it hurts.   I question myself, what is it about me that causes this?  Is it because I present as a masculine dyke?  Does my look and demeanour resemble that of a man, minus the parts?  Does that confuse women?   Its something I need to work through because it really affects my self esteem.

Is it a new friend?  Is it a lover?  I dont have the answers, and I can be purely speculating and expecting the worst I guess.  But its definitely affected me.

Last night, I ended up being "intimate" with another woman.   It wasn't full on, but there was definitely some physical things that happened.   I woke up this morning and naturally, my W was on my mind.   Yuck.   I got up, got dressed, and snuck out and did the walk of shame home, in shorts, in 8 degree weather LOL.   I dont regret last night, but its clear as day that my W's actions (and non actions), still affect me.   I am thankful that she only came to mind the morning after, and not during as that would have been incredible awkward.

I went to pick my dog up from my mom this morning and shared with her what I found out, and about the man thing bothering me.   She told me its not me, and I know this, but it still stings, it still hurts, and its definitely opened some unhealed trauma wounds.

On the streetcar today, I thought of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind.   I wish that I was able to do that.   I wish I could erase this from my mind.   I wish I could be in a different place at a different time.   One where Im not so confused and not so damaged and broken

And yesterday, I took my wedding ring off my left hand and moved it back to my right.   I didn't want my friends to ask why I was wearing it, but after yesterdays turn of events with my W defriending the group, and possibly having a BF, I think its time to keep it off.
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#23: October 25, 2020, 04:00:10 AM
It really is kinda funny how they are so so similar.

I remember about 6 months after BD clington removed everyone from following him on insta. Even his own family. What made it even funnier was, I was the last person to go, and so I saw his process - remove all my old family and friends from following me - upload a photo with ow in. His followers went from 200-300 people. The usual people we all have online. Family. Friends. People from work. That type of thing. To literally 6 people. The only people left at the end were Ow and people who knew her personally. He also deleted all his photos...including photos of the children which was semi hurtful.  So yuno, make of that what you will. But I always said him posting her, after removing everyone. Made the loud and proud statement he attempted to make, very pointless.

I also totally understand why her being with a man is your line. However the one thing I’ve seen is that, these MLCers will change everything, searching for happiness. “Oh it was my wife making me unhappy. Get rid. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m sun happy again. It was my hair. Chop it off. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again. It was being a lesbian. Go straight. Yay I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again”. I know I’ve seen it in clington jumping from one hobby and interest to the next. Changing everything.

Hang in there! Your doing fine!!
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3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
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Moved in with Ow - November 2019
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Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#24: October 27, 2020, 10:03:24 AM
It really is kinda funny how they are so so similar.

I remember about 6 months after BD clington removed everyone from following him on insta. Even his own family. What made it even funnier was, I was the last person to go, and so I saw his process - remove all my old family and friends from following me - upload a photo with ow in. His followers went from 200-300 people. The usual people we all have online. Family. Friends. People from work. That type of thing. To literally 6 people. The only people left at the end were Ow and people who knew her personally. He also deleted all his photos...including photos of the children which was semi hurtful.  So yuno, make of that what you will. But I always said him posting her, after removing everyone. Made the loud and proud statement he attempted to make, very pointless.

I also totally understand why her being with a man is your line. However the one thing I’ve seen is that, these MLCers will change everything, searching for happiness. “Oh it was my wife making me unhappy. Get rid. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m sun happy again. It was my hair. Chop it off. Yay. I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again. It was being a lesbian. Go straight. Yay I’m happy. Oh I’m unhappy again”. I know I’ve seen it in clington jumping from one hobby and interest to the next. Changing everything.

Hang in there! Your doing fine!!

Thanks Sachat, I know logically all of what you wrote, but I guess my detachment hasn't fully kicked in yet since it still gets to me.

I had therapy yesterday and the entire hour was talking about my W.  My therapist said its time for me to turn the pilot light off for her because based on our text from a month ago, it sounds like my W has moved on and has shelved our marriage.   That stung.

Wife, today is your birthday.   I thought about sending you something in the hopes that I could speak to the old you.   Something to remind you what you meant to me, and how amazing we really did have it.   I thought about all those surprise dinners and get aways that I had always sprung on you.   I dont know how I got away with so many surprises.   Last year, we were with our friends, the ones you have now removed from your life.   We all dressed up in costumes and spent the day touring wineries.   People came up to us and complimented us on our costume.  Surrounded by friends who loved us, we had an amazing weekend with each other, with our friends.   Now, they aren't even part of your world.   To those who worked so hard to make that weekend possible, you have discarded them

Then, I think of all the birthdays of mine.   I always made a point of doing something for your birthday, surrounding you with love from friends and family.   Surprise parties, dinners, get togethers.  In our 10 year relationship, you only did that for me once, for my 40th.  You knew how much I loved birthdays yet you rarely ever wished me a happy birthday at midnight. 

I realize that I put too much into you, it seems that I always have.   And so as I reflect on your day today, I will send you a message later, at some point.   And it will be simple and to the point.   No more of me is gifted to you.

I still hope you have a good day, but its no longer my responsibility to make sure its a good day.
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« Last Edit: October 27, 2020, 10:13:52 AM by LBS_Les »
Me (W) 43 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

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#25: October 27, 2020, 12:05:11 PM
LL, like so many of the holidays and the milestones of our lives and relationships, birthdays are hard in this weird place called MLC. It is natural to be thinking of her at this time but I like what you’re thinking here. You honor the very real history between you and W, you acknowledge the good and the not-as-good in your relationship. Most importantly, you show the loving detachment of, “I hope you have a good day, but it is no longer my responsibility to help that happen for you.”

I’m sure it isn’t easy but know that you are on a good path. Thinking positive thoughts for you.
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#26: October 27, 2020, 02:32:34 PM
I’m sure it isn’t easy but know that you are on a good path. Thinking positive thoughts for you.

Thanks - It doesn't always feel like I'm on a good path, but so go the cycles

I finally texted her at 4:45.  I simply said "Happy Birthday, Name.  Enjoy your day.  Take care"

And if I'm being honest, acknowledging her birthday felt more like an obligation and less of a kind gesture.
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#27: October 28, 2020, 04:09:11 AM
I know that feeling. I always acknowledge clingtons birthday. Christmas Father’s Day etc. But very rarely is it from me. I do give him a jokey gift every year on our anniversary. From me. Things like this February would have been out 10 year anniversary. Which is year of tin. So I got him a card with a love heart on the front. Drew zig zags in the middle. Gave him a tin of cider (one I knew he would give back to me) and wrote in the card “Clinton, 10 years is the year of tin. Have a tinny on me. I would wish you the best but you already had it. Bye Au revior Tschuss.” I didn’t really do it for him but to give me a giggle. So I know the feeling you have or it being an obligation. I always feel the same at birthdays but that’s because of the girls.

These dates are always hard but they do get easier as time goes on. Cut yourself some slack
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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#28: October 28, 2020, 06:49:47 AM
I know that feeling. I always acknowledge clingtons birthday. Christmas Father’s Day etc. But very rarely is it from me. I do give him a jokey gift every year on our anniversary. From me. Things like this February would have been out 10 year anniversary. Which is year of tin. So I got him a card with a love heart on the front. Drew zig zags in the middle. Gave him a tin of cider (one I knew he would give back to me) and wrote in the card “Clinton, 10 years is the year of tin. Have a tinny on me. I would wish you the best but you already had it. Bye Au revior Tschuss.” I didn’t really do it for him but to give me a giggle. So I know the feeling you have or it being an obligation. I always feel the same at birthdays but that’s because of the girls.

These dates are always hard but they do get easier as time goes on. Cut yourself some slack

That anniversary gift is hilarious!  I dont think I would ever be able to do that LOL

I messaged my W yesterday and she responded this morning with a "Thanks LBS Les, Take care too"

And somehow - that feels like closure to me.

Its probably a cycle, but I feel myself letting go.
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#29: October 28, 2020, 09:29:02 AM
I did it for the first BD one too. The first BD anniversary, was a card that read on the outside “happy one year anniversary” and inside I wrote “happy one year without me. I don’t know how you’ve coped” and it had a hamper of things with a tag on. I bought him paracetamol and the tag said “to numb the pain” some tissues; the tag read “dry your eyes mate”. Gillette shaving foam “you’ve already had the best a man can get” one of those mini bottles or vodka “to drown your sorrows” that type of thing. The BD one, whilst it made him laugh etc. It helped me a lot more so was worth it.  I’m naturally a rather funny and sarcastic person so it wasn’t out of my character but it defo helped me to close that chapter. So to speak.

The funnt thing was about the 10 year anniversary, he gave me the dark fruit cider (which I’m glad about) but took the card with him. Im 100% certain it didn’t go on his mantle piece at home with Ow though 😂

Maybe it is a cycle. Maybe it’s not. The thing with cycling like this is you won’t know until your at the other end weather it was your closure. Or cycling. Time will tell. But either way, you’ll bounce back. Like a hyperactive tigger.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

 

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