Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2

t
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 715
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#30: October 28, 2020, 11:51:02 AM
Dear LBS, (((HUGS))).

The birthdays are tough, other holidays and special days too. Last summer I spent h’s at a museum only a short drive from where I knew he was, not on purpose but because I legitimately had to be there. It was a deep and profoundly almost religious reason, a “roots” task and family honoring I needed to complete; he had full awareness of it but had weeks before ignored my messaging, and so I was there without him. He was livid when he “found out” a few days later. I understood it was kind of facile or stupid for him to be mad; how can you be angry when you’d been given the information and declined to engage.

His birthday was very, very hard for me regardless. But when I remember it now, a year and some months since, what I remember is the image of my own hands “holding” an important relic of my own most important family past. It was pure accident or pure blessing, that the photo came out the way it did. I don’t think I could ever explain adequately what that photo, and what that moment of Self-realization and Self-integration and Self-healing, mean to me. Even this long later. There is a photo like it from when my D was a tiny girl, and the two “selfies” match up in a way that I wouldn’t get right even if I set it all up deliberately, which I hadn’t.

In one, I am clear and fully physical; I am a beautiful mother holding a beautiful baby girl, both of us in shadow but vibrant and strong. In the other, I am all shadow, my hands “holding” the body of an ancient and troubling god.

Like a baby. And from the front, the god’s visage carved in the squall of grief and abandonment, I saw, and pure pain at disconnection from the ones who loved and on whom it was, in all its vitality and power, fully dependent.

My point is that at some point you will find yourself moved to or drawn to some other experience on those key calendar days. Notice the symbols that have always existed in your own story and inner dreams. Some detail in you has been asking to come forward for honoring, for many years, and it might be even dark or something that has been troubling a long time below the surface.

Some detail in you has been calling for your attention and nurturance, for honoring of it and yourself, and for healing.

Whatever it is, it might seem odd. Don’t be afraid to go to the deepest parts of You.

When a spouse has left us, it’s so easy and natural to focus on all the questions about them. One pure truth is that they’ve left us the opportunity to go into our own surprisingly uncharted selves and to make clearer who and what we really are.

And we’re amazing.

We are no less amazing than they are. Some unloved or unbeloved or superficially unwelcome part of You is crying out now for you to tend it as lovingly as you would any new life or to respect it as tenderly as you would an ancient god.

I am so sorry you’ve been stuck with the terrible question of whether your w has switched sides and gone straight. Whatever she explores or determines, that just is not at all about you, your value, your identity or sexuality or presentation or anything else. I resonate with your creativity and generosity in celebrating the person you’ve loved; I don’t think the imbalance in giving or cleverness really indicates the measure of anyone’s love. It’s just that someone like you or me gives more expressively or visibly. Some would say that is a God-given talent. It may be that people who are not like us in this way just have different love language, or haven’t tapped or been permitted to tap the expressiveness they may feel inside.

I didn’t go full-tilt in celebrations until I became a mom. So my gift-giving and celebrations of others for 35 years before that were milder, more tentative, more vulnerable, and shy. For whatever that is worth; I don’t know that anyone had complaints or pain about how I did things or didn’t. I did love, I know that. Just maybe showed it in different ways, and sometimes only by showing up.

Life is hard. Loving, sometimes, out loud and proud, is also hard. We can’t change people or why they are the ways they are. We can just love and keep showing it.

Being deprived suddenly of the opportunities to show love, is REALLY hard.

Being cut off and not reasonably permitted or welcome to show how grandly and completely we adore someone we love, is the absolute sh!ts.

I don’t think we are show-offs or that there is any power play in the ways we gift and give to our beloveds. In its best examples, it is just an uplifting and amplification and sharing out of the joy that is there to begin with. For me it was a way of living, and I really thrived in secretly plotting each special day months in advance and loving and living it forward. My own plans made me really happy, from the moment of inception to the moment of reveal, and every time any of it was brought up afterward.

I was good at that and it sounds like you really were too. We both still are. It’s just on sabbatical for now. You know?

I ultimately came home from that experience having unexpectedly held the ancient god in my own hands, having swum in open waters with circling nine-foot sharks *on purpose*, and having connected with important family records on my own birthday. It’s the first time I definitively used my celebration strengths to give so, so deeply to my own Self.

I immediately went after some small thing to cement it all, afterward, and ended up in the bosom of a community of strangers who, when they sent whatever had been purchased, sent it along with any number of side thank you gifts. So that each mailing arrived here full of creativity and care. The first time I received a parcel, I wept.

Other people are like you and will show you they DO like you, just as a matter of course. And it’s weird when that happens, if we’ve been the most expressive one in our own couplehood for a long time.

I am not saying our more stoic or less expressive spouses are or were the wrong kind of people for us. Just that when we find community within which pretty much *everyone* celebrates even minor exchanges the same ways we might, that’s a boon and a balm and may even take some getting used to.

The parcels I send out, especially around key special days that used to be for h or S or our family together, I send during those times now to people I’ve never met. But packaging a purchased item with care, and adding in the odds and ends and sweet messages or asides, it makes my heart feel still aligned with itself and my old family and spousal rhythms.

It’s a transference, but without expectation or attachment, and so without disappointment. It’s fulfilling and I feel light when I send these things off. I recognize that I felt the same lightness when activating celebration in special and even pleasantly anonymous ways for people at work. One year during the Super Bowl, I filled a coworker’s physical mailbox with sweets in their team’s colors. I never even worked with that guy and couldn’t even pull him out of a lineup; I just knew he was the one in the company who was really excited and proud of that team. They did win and the sweets were distributed and I never did say there that I’d been the one to do that. It was the talk of the office and nobody knew. It was just something that happened, like magic.

What I’m saying is that there will be many avenues through which your love of life can be cultivated and shared to many others, in many special ways. Consider yourself a holy instrument of joy; it’s a much-needed role and if and when you can rise to the occasion, you’re a blessing.

You are anyway.

You are an essential living example of expressive love, much needed.

*

Back to the topic of w maybe going straight, that isn’t on you and it isn’t any reflection on your worth, identity, flow, strength, or presentation, in public or in private intimacy.

You be you, do you, and just know that universally and regardless of gender, sexuality, embodiment, or anything else, loving and intimacy and interpersonal functioning are sometimes just difficult or perplexing or include doubt.

People change their minds and ways and hearts and I can’t stand that, but then I do it too. So it is just something we all do. And it really, really hurts, sometimes more than other times, and there are a LOT of questions that no matter how crucial never do seem to get fully answered. Or else are answered in ways we never expected.

What I want to say to you is that really we have no guarantee anyone is ever fully gone from our lives unless we have made ourselves an ardent and absolute commitment that they should be. Sometimes it’s easy to make that decision even if we have loved them very much. Other times it is just a fluctuating thing that changes fairly often and for reasons we don’t quite understand. As cishet I know that men always seem to come back, for whatever reasons good or bad or in between. Within my LGBT community I know that women often do, too. Humans just do. It’s sort of unnatural to stay away forever from ones we’ve loved and grown with.

I know you already know so much of all this. I am maybe just telling you, I feel you, and I’m here for your journey.

She’s going to come up a lot. Your therapist knows that. But anytime she does, it’s an opportunity for you to see more deeply into your own Self and all your Good. (((HUGS)))
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 260
  • Gender: Female
Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#31: November 02, 2020, 12:50:08 PM
Thanks for your very thoughtful reply Terra - its very detailed and easy to visualize and follow, I feel like im reading a story or watching a movie.

I understand that her sexuality could be in question as part of this crisis.   Its still hard not to take it personally, well, was.

I made a decision on her birthday to keep my text to her, short and simple, not sweet.  A message I would send to an acquaintance. I stewed a lot that day and really began to see things in my M that I didn't like.  Would I divorce her over these things?  No, I just would have continued to settle in some of those areas, had this crisis not hit.   But it has, and its left me wanting more.  I loved my wife to pieces.....a bit too much.   I gave her more energy than I gave myself.  And I continued to do this after BD, up until her birthday.

And then something shifted.   I told myself "No More".   She's made it clear she doesn't want me in her life, so why am I putting my energy into her trying to figure out where she's at, if she's dating, sleeping with men, whatever.  I've dropped the rope.  Like I think I felt before that I had dropped the rope, but this feels different.  I no longer worry about the future.   Divorce is starting to cross my mind.   I'm thinking about just starting the finances and separation process to get this $h!te moving, so that I can be released and free.  I look back to how much of a mess I was after BD.   How broken she left me feeling.   Months and Months of despair.   I dont think I can turn back, I dont think I want to forgive.

I have a good life.   I have friends, family, I love my space, I love being on my own, not having someone here with me, not worrying about being scrutinized for not doing dishes after dinner.  I dont have to seek approval from someone, I dont want to.   I am at peace being responsible to myself.  I dunno, there is just a shift, and I am very indifferent to my W now.

Its been almost a week since this feeling - I have not wavered in my thinking as of yet.  When I feel my mind drifting to empathy, the anger in me steps in and says NO, ENOUGH. 

I helped my friend move this weekend.  She moved into my W's area (if not directly on her street).  I was worried last week I would bump into my W, but honestly, when the day came, I actually hoped she saw our car parked on the street.   I hoped that she would see it and have her heart drop into the pit of her stomach.   I hoped she saw me so she could know what feeling terrorized felt like.  I guess resentment has taken over.

Her SIL knew I was in the area thanks to SM and she made a comment that she lives near where I was.   I said sorry for your loss.  But when you see me around, dont be shy and say hi!  I know that will get back to W - good.   You get to now live in the fear I had lived in for so many months.  You now get to wonder if you're going to bump into me.  You're now gonna live in fear that I may have actually figured out where you lived when you wanted to hide it so well.

And as for where my W moved to?  Good god.   Its horrible.   It looks like a low income neighbourhood.   Now I grew up poor, so I am not trying to come across as judgemental, but based on the salary she and I make (its very good), she should not be living in this neighbourhood.  The buildings are old, and gross, dirty.   Theres cars all over the street, parking is a $h!te show, its an urban hell.  And I feel bad saying this since my friend moved into that area and is super excited about having her own place, but there are so many other options in the city.  And while I was there, I thought to myself "For her to give up our house, our pool, our nice neighbourhood, for this?  She's clearly in crisis".

I fell asleep on the couch last night.  Woke up this morning as I saw a text from S come in.   It was a monkey emoticon.  But I went to reach for my phone and then it hit me, I hadn't received a text from her, it somehow was a dream.  So I rolled back over and went back to sleep.

I woke up and went about my day and started to work.  Take a second to look at my phone and noticed I had a notification.  Weird, I didn't hear anything come up?  It was a text from S.  She messaged to see how I have been doing, hopes I am well and staying warm.  This text came about 3 hours after I "dreamt" she messaged me.   I didn't hear it as I had her muted after her constant silent treatments.

I waited a bit and replied.  I thought about why I would, and the reason I wouldn't reply is, when she goes quiet on me, it triggers my abandonment wounds.  So by ignoring her, I am just avoiding dealing with those wounds.  So I replied in kind, with no expectations.   We have exchanged a few messages, she's acknowledged she hasn't been the best at keeping in contact with friends in the last little while, and we are now catching up.

But I dont doubt she will go back on silent mode.   I say no expectations, but I still have some - just not good ones.
  • Logged
Me (W) 43 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 260
  • Gender: Female
Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#32: November 08, 2020, 10:30:06 AM
So, I have been speaking to one of my SIL's quite a bit this week about election stuff.   My W's family is from the US and have been living in Canada for 30 years now.   I had asked her to make sure that she gets the family to do their vote since this was a super important election.  She said they were all voting

So with this weeks antics, we had shared a few messages on Facebook regarding the race.   Yesterday, after it was announced Biden won, she sent me a picture of her and my niece in front of the TV celebrating the Biden victory.   I responded and said thanks for doing your part by voting in such an important state (AZ)!  I also asked her to say Hi to niece for me, I miss her face.

I got a voice message reply, and then she wrote, "I told her she could see you so she corrected it" and then sent another voice message.   I didn't listen to it yesterday as I was meeting up with friends, and I didn't want it to affect me, since I had an understanding of what the message was going to say

So this morning, while making my coffee, I decided to listen.   Niece said she realllllly misses auntie LBS_Les, and she really misses seeing me, but she cant see me anymore.   That hurt.  I cried.

I know of course that we cannot see one another.   As much as I would love to maintain a relationship with the kids who I witnessed the birth of, and upbringing, it isn't something that is sustainable.   I've dropped the rope with W.   It wouldn't be fair to her new partners in life, to have an Ex W in the background maintaining a relationship with the kids.   It wouldn't be fair to the girls to have a relationship with someone who is no longer married to their Aunt.

I know this logically is the way things go, but hearing her little voice telling me she missed me and misses seeing me, definitely struct a cord.

Otherwise, for the most part, I have been great since dropping the rope.  I'm a bit on the "angry" side of things, and have a therapy appointment scheduled for this week, because I need to let that anger go.   I also have to go for some testing for a potential health issue.   I don't think its going to be serious, but I will have to go for scans and that of course, worries me that if it turns out to be something, I will be in it alone.   I of course have my friends and family, I will be okay, I will cross that bridge IF it gets there.   I try not to put too much energy into it as the energy you put out, comes back to you.   So I will continue to be positive that these scans are just going to confirm that I have some scar tissue from a surgery all those years back.   And if something else transpires, I will deal with it then.

And lastly, while I am not being totally reckless, I have been having these mounting feelings of "I dont have much time left".   I'm searching vitamins to take, best smoothie recipes for daily consumption to eat a bit healthier.   I want to start running (but I have a fractured toe that is preventing me from doing so).   In a way, I guess this is what Mid Life looks like.  You start to question what do you want the remainder of your life to look like?  I dont have the answers right now, but I guess I will find out.

  • Logged
Me (W) 43 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

F
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 762
  • Gender: Female
Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#33: November 12, 2020, 02:51:29 PM
So this morning, while making my coffee, I decided to listen.   Niece said she realllllly misses auntie LBS_Les, and she really misses seeing me, but she cant see me anymore.   That hurt.  I cried.

I know of course that we cannot see one another.   As much as I would love to maintain a relationship with the kids who I witnessed the birth of, and upbringing, it isn't something that is sustainable.   I've dropped the rope with W.   It wouldn't be fair to her new partners in life, to have an Ex W in the background maintaining a relationship with the kids.   It wouldn't be fair to the girls to have a relationship with someone who is no longer married to their Aunt.


I am so sorry. I distinctly remember how this felt when I went through it. I wanted to have those relationships so bad. It is really difficult and heartbreaking because they don't understand. You just disappear (well I was immediately replaced  :-\) It's getting close to 3 years for me and I still miss them.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
  • Logged
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1662
  • Gender: Female
Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#34: November 13, 2020, 05:08:56 AM
I can totally understand why that must be hard. I’m quite lucky clingtons only cousin in the UK is an acquired taste so a lot of the times I find myself think “thank god”
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 260
  • Gender: Female
Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#35: November 19, 2020, 04:17:49 PM
Tonight marks 10 months of BD anniversary (well, technically tomorrow morning when she confirmed that she was at hotel with another woman blah blah blah).   Guess this explains the shift in my mood for the last couple of days.   Subconscious knows all!

Nothing on the MLC front - life with a vanisher, goes on.

Yesterday, had to go get a mammogram, ultrasound and X-ray done.   I teared up during the Ultrasound but I had a very kind technician talk me off the ledge.   When I went for the mammogram, the technician there made a comment that put me at ease as she mentioned she felt what I suspected is the issue.   But now, I wait results

I did have some anxiety leading up to the appointment, despite telling myself we will cross that bridge IF we get there, but we know how anxiety can be a bit of a b!tc#.

But I will manage whatever comes my way.   Its a test of my resolve.   Its a step in growing up.   Its a step in being comfortable in being alone and not needing anyone else.   If my W and I were together, I would have asked her to take the day off with me to come with me to my appointment.  It probably would have been a fight as she would have come up with an excuse as to why work was more important than a potential health issue. 

The dark evenings are definitely affecting me mentally, but I am kinder to myself.   I remind myself that every year is the same, and every year I get the depression.   So I sit with it, even in the uncomfortable moments.

I continue to ask god and the universe for the strength to continue on, and I feel it.   I no longer ask to help my wife (I've never asked for her return to our M, but have asked she find herself again).   While she lives rent free in my mind, the occasions are becoming less and less, but that does not mean I will expend my own energy on praying for her healing.   Not my monkey, not my circus.

S is back on the scene, and its amazing how things work out.   She too had some issues, and had to go for the same tests as I.   She shared this information with me, so that explains why she went radio silent on me.   Between her family's health issues, and her own scare, she clearly had a lot on her plate.  So I shared that I too have to have the similar tests run.   Hers came back fine, so I am hoping mine do as well.    But because the universe works in funny ways, I have now deemed her my "breast buddy"

10 months.   Sometimes Im in denial, sometimes I want to move on.   A little voice tells me to be patient.   But I dont think its in me.

But I have no choice.   While I am not waiting, I am not going to put my life on pause.   I will continue to work on me, and wait for that day when I know my mind will be made up.

Its not today.

So tonight, I will enjoy a couple of beers.   I wish I could wish her a happy cheataversary, so she can have a drink with me in spirit, but to be honest, she probably doesn't even realize the date.  firetruck the fog.

  • Logged
Me (W) 43 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

C
  • *
  • Subscriber, 12 Month
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 253
  • Gender: Female
Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#36: November 19, 2020, 05:55:21 PM
LL, thinking good thoughts for you. I hope your results are as good as your buddy’s.

As for the stand or whatever might happen with your W... there are few decisions that are truly irrevocable. At the same time, much like there is no timeline on her MLC, there is no absolute timeline on your stand or your healing process. Just keep making each day the best it can be, and when you have days that aren’t as good as you’d like, love yourself anyway and accept that that’s okay. And know that you have several shoulders to lean on here anytime you need them.
  • Logged

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1662
  • Gender: Female
Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#37: November 20, 2020, 05:42:23 AM
I have mu fingers toes and hair follicles crossed for you.

When it comes to anniversaries they can sting like a b!tc#. So I usually find a few jokey things to do. It lightens the mood. I haven’t done any this year as I haven’t been triggered. I mentioned on my own thread I’m beginning to feel numb. But one thing I always aloud myself to do was cry. I never bottled anything in. And then I took the p!$$ out of the situation. Weather that be like the gifts I gave clington which I mentioned. Sometimes me and my pals turn onto b!tches and we used to laugh at ow selfies. Anything that helps you cope. Go with it. But for what it’s worth, the first ones always sting the worst.
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 7923
  • Gender: Female
Re: Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#38: November 20, 2020, 06:03:24 PM
Quote
But for what it’s worth, the first ones always sting the worst.

Yep! It does get better. Big hugs and I too will be sending out the good vibes/prayers/juju for good test results.
  • Logged
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 260
  • Gender: Female
Love Me, Dont Leave Me Volume 2
#39: November 21, 2020, 05:35:23 PM
Thank you guys for your well wishes and vibes.  I haven't heard anything back, but I am sure I will post what my results are, when they return.

Hugs and gratitude
  • Logged
Me (W) 43 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.