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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting The Heart Behind The Hurt

b
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My Story Reconnecting The Heart Behind The Hurt
OP: October 05, 2020, 10:44:54 AM

I am anxious to respond and hoping I am ready to go on my new thread and that it is properly linked.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11381.0
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt
#1: October 05, 2020, 11:25:51 AM
You're good to go Barbie.   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#2: October 05, 2020, 02:54:42 PM
I sort of agree with Nas about this. If someone doesn't have a sense self of or self confidence you can not give to to them. Encouragement, a sincere compliment yes. (Sometimes you even have to be careful with that.) But a constant flow from one to another is draining.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

b
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#3: October 08, 2020, 10:52:52 PM
StandingStrong
 :o
Thanks for responding, it just means alot to me .

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I have a lot of wonders and thoughts along the same line........ these FOO MLC'ers, do they actually heal? I know we're told they sort it all out, but I'm starting to wonder if there's a different class of MLC'er...... those with totally screwed and destroyed pasts (FOO) and those with only moderately destroyed pasts (the ones that become something better). OR if it's a "failed" MLC where they never get to the end goal, but raced to where they were and are stunted.
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So interesting..oh my! I wonder constantly about this exact thing. I would imagine I could be described as having a "moderately " screwed up childhood , and am capable of learning, changing , understanding etc. I CAN make changes ...but I will admit, some have been damned hard and painful. Some I have failed as ...so far . But I am "teachable". And I am enthisiastic and eager because I see that the answers I seek will eventually bring me healing and peace.

My H , on the otherhand has suffered severe abuse in everyway ...everyway . The more I research, the more I learn about what exactly I am dealing with. My own therapist has  helped me in a million ways try to understand my H or how severe abuse affects a child. I am just so sad about what I have come to understand and really have not processed what it will mean to me and the true relationship I will be able to form with my H. What I have found and been taught ( repeatedly) is that trauma and abuse "changes the brain structure". Physically changes the brain.  So lets be real. How can that be reversed ?  My H has suffered "developmental trauma" and has missed some of the developmental stages as a result of the envinroment he was born into.  I do not currently have an understanding of how "healing" can change physical changes in the developing brain of a child. There are countless articles about the permanent changes abuse creates in an adult.

https://www.verywellmind.com/childhood-abuse-changes-the-brain-2330401

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actually it's much easier not to deal with it, all they know is to avoid it..... they've been practicing that their whole life.
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This is the saddest of truths isn't it?  So many lives destroyed as a result of deeply ingrained avoidance used as a defense mechanism. My H is the captain of the avoidance ship, it my opinion. It is how he navigated his childhood so not to feel the profound pain emotionally. He is still able to do that ... and he does. Its what he knows.

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As for your H..... he's a man, and men (well, us "old school" men) are taught not to be weak (to one extent or another). This is a good thing and a bad thing. I can say that I was very open with W and with it brought criticism. I know for me, it was like "what the heck? You say you want openness and then beat me up with it". I hear that from a lot of other men too. We learn not to be open from our experiences, and if someone was already beat over the head while growing up...... yeah, he could have a serious complex. How do you deal with that? Hmmmmmm, I'm not sure. I know for me, before W went all MLC, she would want certain details and talks and I would just stare, because I knew if I was totally open I'd just get slammed. Men want a helper, not a critic.
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My H was 100% punished for crying or being "weak". He was expected to be tough, " get er'done", walk it off, I will give you something to cry about" kind of mentality . You can imagine an alcoholic trucker raising 5 boys?? . He tolerated ZERO emotion or "sissy-sh&t" from any of them. Period. My husband has talked about this many many times in therapy. He was the oldest and he was expected to "man-up" by the time he was 5. I was fortunate to have daughters because my father-in-law never treated them any particular way ( he never really bothered) but he absolutely started to "toughen up" his 2 grandsons.  My sister-in-laws put a stop to that and it was a horrible situation ... he lost his mind when he was told not to talk to his grandsons that way ...he said "you wh*res that rock the cradles will never raise a man ... maybe a bunch of ****". He went into a rage about having very limited access to his grandsons.  Society has also contributed to what it means to be a "man" and it has caused much damage.
Ugh.. My husband has said these exact precise words "  You want me to talk and then you sh$t all over me ?".   Yes. Many times.  What I see as "criticism" and what he does ..are 2 very different things . He has EXTREME sensitivity to criticism and everything you say to him is perceived through that filter . He also has extreme reactivity to feeling "attacked"  and that is just a pile of bull in my opinion. It is shocking to me , absolutely shocking what he perceives as an " attack".  One of the articles I posted talks about the brain of abused adults hears / feels/ perceivers "attack" in many circumstances . It makes it extremely difficult to talk to him as he is almost hypervigilant watching for criticism and attacks.  And his response to me is a silent stare over 80 % of the times.  He apparrently "freezes or is flooded " or he is utterly scared to death. Because this silent stare triggers and firetrucking enrages me....I now avoid many interactions with him. For now... that has been my decision. Until I do more of my own healing around "rejection", I just cannot risk situations where I feel rejected. Refusing to answer or interact ( or so it appears ) is a rejection button for me . ... and round and round this hell goes .  I have withdrawn from the dance .

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I don't know the dynamic of your relationship before MLC but it sounds like he is deathly afraid of being wrong, making a mistake, or being criticized. I gotta say, men HATE that. That's why men like to talk to other men....... that's where they can openly talk about their mistakes and get ribbed about it, but not beaten with it. Make sense?
It also is difficult for men to be open with their W's because more than anyone else in the world..... an H wants the admiration of his W. He wants and needs to be her Super-Hero. When he loses that, he doesn't believe he can ever be that again.
Sometimes we try, but if it's met with resistance, it reinforces that belief and then men stop trying. A reinforcing loop.
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He is indeed afraid of being wrong , criticized or making a mistake.  You must be a fly on the wall in my house ...because this is 100% accurate. It is incredibly hard for me to understand as I care ZERO about any of that. None of that has any affect on me ...I just don't react to those things and its tough to understand how paralyzed he is by those things. But he is . He does not present like that whatsoever...but underneath his mask , he is full of fear . It is truly beyond my comprehension. I have been told by therapist he has been raised in ridicule, abuse and is indeed a very wounded individual. I appreciate your input...I understand exactly what you are saying.  It seems hopeless to me .

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Here is what I would suggest: Build him up.
Look at the good, and compliment him on it. Do not point out the bad. Point out the good, all of it. This will make him want to try...... and then try harder.
Once he's on a roll trying, THEN tell him something YOU really want. Start small.
One thing that needs to happen, is your compassion and admiration has to be build too........ he wants it, desperately..... actually he needs it and will feel like a complete failure without it. He has to be the Super-Hero.... let him. You are Lois Lane, and what won't SuperMan do for her?
Focus on the good, focus on the good, focus on the good.
Point it out or he will think you take it for granted.
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It has been a very long time since I have felt like I am " ready to play nice". I have been so angry, so hurt and shocked ...it just destroyed any compassion or faith in him . I have not felt "safe" either, to say the least, although that has changed as I feel very safe inside of me. No matter what he ever does in the future, NEVER will I suffer the same way. I will be fine and of that I am so gratefully positive of.  I know that everything you say is true and I wish I was "that person" ..I just have a very hardened heart . I still have much to work on inside of myself. I hope I grow into a softer version of who I might truly be.  His top love language is "words of affirmation " and yes... he wants compassion and is starving for admiration . It is evident to me but I am still stuck in shock and the deepest loss I have ever experienced. I have very little to give ...so it seems. I am not happy about that but it is the truth. His loss of being respected as the keeper of our family gate, to keep us all safe , to put us 1st and to protect a family of 6 women from harm...is his greatest loss.  I know he has deep shame about this .  I understand what you are saying . Thank you . 

Song ...greetings! I am happy to see you here and I do appreciate your post .

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It is clear that he had serious gambling issues which have still yet to be resolved as he has caused her endless moments of grief on this. There are many underlying issues that are not just FOO related and that would have probably broken a marriage regardless of MLC.  So the fact that they are both working on their marriage albeit very very cautiously is to be applauded.
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It is very true that I discovered a gambling issue just shortly after BD. Again...the shock was profound.  And , I will also agree that is still has not been resolved to my satisfaction. He has never ( in my opinion) taken full responsibility for the money spent, and it was significant amount of money.  All the bank printouts of withdrawals has been on his desk for years...and although he has promised to explain , he never has fully.  What is confusing to me is the fact he simply quit " gambling" or going to the casino.  He handed all access to bank accounts to me , bank cards etc when he returned home. If he uses our visa , an alert comes up on my phone. His pay goes directly into my account  . It is still this way and he has never asked to change it back. I have caught him 1 time in a casino. I am told by therapists that he never could have quit on his own if it was a true "addiction" . Not without treatment etc etc. I have no idea if that is true or not. Regardless, I see no indication whatsoever that he is gambling...it would be hard to get it past me , trust me.  But what I will clarify is that addictions ARE absolutely tied to FOO issues . 100%.

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Oh if only it were that simple SS.  I have compassion abundant for my H (too much possibly) and have never negated what a clever man he is, irrespective ofhis MLC but I am most certainly not Lois Lane to his Superman because time and again she needed rescuing.  I had to rescue myself from myself; I don't need my H to rescue me.  That concept keeps you constantly in the victim drama triangle.
The MLCer doesn't need "rescuing"; this is their journey and they have to rescue themselves too.
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I understood what he was saying. I truly did. I also understand there is much truth in " they have to rescue themselves".  We cannot do that for them . But what SS was referring to ( in my understanding) is the "nature " of men . I have read a million times exactly what he has said ...and I agree with it.  I am not sure why there cannot be an understanding of both ...one does not need to negate the other.  To be positive, show compassion and admiration ( See the Love Languages ) could not possibly be a negative while he is "rescuing himself".  Not sure if that makes sense .

Treasur

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Barbie's challenge it seems to me is working out how to rescue herself....and she has walked a very hard path in dealing with a h who perhaps she used to see as Superman, but who is so very far from that. Perhaps 'focus on the good' is more useful for Barbie looking at Barbie and Barbie's life in her circumstances?
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Yes indeed ..I am working hard on ME. My internal wounds , my FOO hurts and my understanding of who I am now . Separate from him. I can only rescue or "fix" myself. That was the single hardest thing to learn and accept. I wanted HIM to fix what he broke. He can't.  BUT he can provide certain things that support that .  Providing an environment that is safe and secure , being honest , being accountable for his time and whereabouts ( initially), participating in counselling, showing remorse etc etc.  Only I can do the internal work on myself but he can create an external environment free from threat or repeat behaviour.

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At the same time, I do recognise something in what you said about some men wanting/needing to be that Hero. Perhaps that is why some run and never look back....bc they know that their wives and children will never be able to see them that way again....but other people might.

Perhaps this is true Treasur. I believe with all my heart that for my H to return was by far the hardest single thing he has ever done. I never thought he would or could face what he had done or the people he hurt. It would have been far easier to keep running ...and I thought thats what he would do .

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I have no idea if he feels like a Hero now in his own rewritten story, or if ow makes him feel that way,
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I believe the OW in my H's case DID make him feel like a hero riding in on a stallion saving the damn dumsel in distress . He has admitted that.  She made him feel many "new " things about himself and it seemingly had very little do do with what he actually felt about her.  He felt hero-ish, admired, "looked up to", desired  and appreciated . Only " positives"  came out her mouth. Hmmmm, I guess like SS says. (?) . It was temporary , it was a fantasy not based in real adult life. 

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.Barbie's is perhaps currently more about deciding what she wants to do with the kind of Non-Hero she has right now in front of her nose. Jmo.
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Yes. This is absolutely true.  He was the keeper of our family gate. He left his post for his own selfish arrogant pursuits . The most horrendous pain came from inside our family ...places I was not looking.

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Some men do need a little bit of building up from their woman, but not in a fake, manipulating way.  Not feeding their ego, but maybe helping a little with their self-confidence.  They may never have gotten that growing up.
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I absolutely agree Thunder.

I absolutely agree that you cannot do the healing  work for another person. It is their responsibility.  However, being able to add some positives ( acknowledgment of change, praise , admiration, Love Language style) can never be a bad thing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   











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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#4: October 09, 2020, 12:10:34 AM
Are there things about your h as he is now, Barbie, that you can honestly and comfortably affirm him for?
Have you ever said, for instance, that his choice to return rather than keep running seems like a brave one to you?
I'm not suggesting any kind of false 'puffing him up' but is it possible that your rage about what he did has got in the way of small bits of 'focusing on the good' that is also part of the reality of who he is now?

It's so messy isn't it?
I see here that your feelings of betrayal and rejection sit awkwardly in a way with your head telling you, as you have learned more about childhood trauma, that your h did not do this TO you or BECAUSE of you or as some kind of fun escape full of high selfish jinks as it perhaps seemed at the time. So your head knows it isn't personal but yet it feels so personal at the same time....which is messy. Plus, if you can bring yourself to accept that he is who he is, what do you want to do with that?

I am not an expert in C-PTSD but I do believe, based on what I have learned, that people can rewire traumatised brains significantly with the right kind of professional support. But that it is a long road and a confusing, tough one. Brain was a poster who shared a lot of his own experience of doing just that; he was brave enough to share some of that journey here, even though sometimes he took some flak about how strange a journey it seemed to those of us who hadn't walked it. I don't know how Brain is doing now but I think he felt he had made tremendous progress. But it took years and some heavyweight expertise iirc. Can that kind of recovery completely undo the damage? Idk....maybe not....but can it rewire some bits of it? Maybe.
Does your h want to heal that damage in himself, Barbie? Does he think it is possible? Does he think he has made any progress with his current IC support? (I think he sees an IC, right?)

It seems to me fwiw that there is a place of grace and a kind of peace in that space between accepting the worst reality of who someone is and also accepting that there is still good to be found in them. Maybe not enough or solid enough to bet One's own farm on it lol...but something in that space in the middle. That accepting the reality that severe childhood damage simply limits the tools in their toolbox so their choice was never an entirely 'free will' one.....they needed a screwdriver but only had a set of hammers  ::)....and having used the hammer on their own life, they now are trying to find some glue which seems to be missing too. Can one feel compassion for that while at the same time feeling angry and distrustful about the kind of person they seem to be? Maybe...but it is hard isn't it? And it must be harder if they are right in front of your nose as opposed to no longer being around much.

Last night my neighbour chum with the terminally ill h (and a teenage daughter and nine year old son) came over to tell me that his oncologist had told them both that, instead of the 6-12 months she/he thought, he will almost certainly die within two months. Maybe less. She has been so angry and frustrated with him....for good reason...his long-Standing alcoholism, his denial, his avoidance, his unreciprocal neediness, his stonewalling and lack of regard towards her, his consistent failure to do what she feels he should be doing as a father....long and entirely reasonable list. And then angry with herself for feeling so angry with a dying husband that her kindness bucket was just empty....so tbh most of the time she feels silent resentment or numb to the point of feeling nothing at all. And now? Now they have to tell the kids....now, for both of them, reality can't be avoided quite so easily. But listening to her, I could also sense that there is a space in between them - maybe bc her h's physical reality has forced him out of some of his denial, maybe bc there is some common ground they have as parents which is more similar than they could see before - where compassion and grace might bring them back to being some kind of shared team that I think my chum at least felt no longer existed. Does it change anything at all about what has happened or what is actually happening now? No, probably not. But I can smell the possibility of a kind of grace that might make a huge difference to HOW they handle what is happening......I wish with all my heart that they can find that place together, even if it feels like a small square foot of ground in a hurricane. It would probably make a real difference to my chum, and her kids, and maybe her h if they can find it. And I am praying for them that they do. It certainly sent me to bed with some rather sobering reflections on some of my own experiences and hopes and beliefs about just how messy life and love and damaged humans can be. And what my focus might be if I were measuring my life left to live in weeks.....

What does Grace mean to you, Barbie, in your situation? If, without changing the reality of who your h is or who you are or any of what has happened, you could find it, would you want to? Or does it cost something you are not prepared to pay? And does what you have come to learn about trauma (for both of you) help or hinder that?

I don't want to come across as a Pollyanna here.....even with a long-gone xh, I seem to drift in and out of that Grace place....the personal and not is messy...l.and that it seems to be something that comes if I allow it in as opposed to chasing it down lol.....but I do think I have felt patches of that kind of 'peace which passes all understanding' and seen it in others enough to think that it is worthwhile. But fwiw ....which may be not much at all lol....I am quite convinced that Grace is more than a little noisy grey cat  :)

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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#5: October 12, 2020, 12:26:02 PM
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Are there things about your h as he is now, Barbie, that you can honestly and comfortably affirm him for?
Have you ever said, for instance, that his choice to return rather than keep running seems like a brave one to you?
I'm not suggesting any kind of false 'puffing him up' but is it possible that your rage about what he did has got in the way of small bits of 'focusing on the good' that is also part of the reality of who he is now?
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To truly be honest , painfully honest ..there are things that I see as "good".  I do see attempts to fix the mess that must be excruciatingly hard to do ...over and over and over . I do believe that to come back and face the mess would likely be the hardest thing he has ever done...I likely would have never turned around to face that devastation, but rather continued to "pretend" I was happy with my choices whether I was or not.  Imagine facing that kind of failure as a man and a father ? For a man like my husband who was so proud of who he was as head of a family ...it had to be life or death .  Yes, I do see good. But I have not said anything out loud. And it is true as well, that my anger, my hurt and my never ending shock has blocked my ability to say anything positive. How sad is that truth. I see that . Sadly I just have a deep inability to address the positives . And to further look at the truth...he has told me this . He has said there is "never any positives ..ever". I am never given credit for trying my best to make it right, do the counselling, face what firetrucking mess I have made.   I have had some nasty retorts to those remarks . Sometimes it seems like he wants credit for doing what he "should " have been doing all along ...being a good man, husband and father .  I need to really look at this and figure out what has me so blocked and my heart has become so hardened to him.

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It's so messy isn't it?
I see here that your feelings of betrayal and rejection sit awkwardly in a way with your head telling you, as you have learned more about childhood trauma, that your h did not do this TO you or BECAUSE of you or as some kind of fun escape full of high selfish jinks as it perhaps seemed at the time. So your head knows it isn't personal but yet it feels so personal at the same time....which is messy. Plus, if you can bring yourself to accept that he is who he is, what do you want to do with that?
.

It is excruciatingly messy , endlessly painful.  And Treasur...it is that I have taken it so personally ...so much so that it just tore everything I am as a women apart. I swear ...every part of who I am , who I thought I was and what I thought I was to him...gone. It was deadly personal . Is there really LBS or women who have been cheated on, that do not feel a personal attack? . It is so intimate a betrayal, so private , so deeply personal , I knew no other way to respond. I do believe that is the case for many LBS. Initially atleast. Overtime and with counselling, education and reading etc , you come to realize , it just was not personal at all. It just takes a very long time and then more time to accept and live your life fully knowing it WAS NOT personal. Ugh. I still swing between the two beliefs . I know it was a bound to happen ( maybe not an affair) ..but to "fall apart" was indeed incubating inside of him.  I wish I had known . I NEVER could have known...but imagine if we had been able to see this coming.  Still, it would be very unlikely we could have prevented it.   Accepting "he is who he is " means it is very unlikely I will have the close intimate connection I so desperately want to have. Rather a lonely prospect.

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I am not an expert in C-PTSD but I do believe, based on what I have learned, that people can rewire traumatised brains significantly with the right kind of professional support. But that it is a long road and a confusing, tough one
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I recently spoke to my own therapist about this and she pretty much said the exact same thing...it would take years of intensive deep therapy and is indeed painful and deep. She believes it can be done but the long term commitment is staggering and the results are never guaranteed. My husband was working for years with a therapist until Covid stopped his sessions in March . He has not returned as of yet and I am not sure if he will. As I have said ...he never talked to me about his therapy and I stopped pursuing this .  He is now seeing a different counsellor and rarely says anything about it to me. Always feels like "secrets" to me.  It is his decision tp pursue long term counselling ...or not.

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Does your h want to heal that damage in himself, Barbie? Does he think it is possible? Does he think he has made any progress with his current IC support? (I think he sees an IC, right?)
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Yes. He came back highly motivated to find out "what the firetruck happened to me ".  I have never been that kind of "man". I truly believe he was in some kind of emotional shock.  He believes he has made progress . He has learned alot about his childhood, trauma , ACE scores and the situations that may have contributed to his behavior.  I have NOT seen a huge , earth shattering change ...but then again , I am not "safe". I try not to take that personally either as I believe he does not believe anyone is "safe".  You cannot have an close intimate connection if you view your partner as "unsafe".  There is no getting around that .

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That accepting the reality that severe childhood damage simply limits the tools in their toolbox so their choice was never an entirely 'free will' one.....they needed a screwdriver but only had a set of hammers  ::)....and having used the hammer on their own life, they now are trying to find some glue which seems to be missing too. Can one feel compassion for that while at the same time feeling angry and distrustful about the kind of person they seem to be? Maybe...but it is hard isn't it? And it must be harder if they are right in front of your nose as opposed to no longer being around much.
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It is very very difficult. Can anyone hear me ? This is excruciatingly painful , frustrating and sad all at the same time. This is wanting what you cannot have...ever. This is the result of extreme child abuse in adult men and the "tools" that they never had , never learned and never even had a chance to grow into an emotionally healthy adult.  This is wanting a partner that has so desperately screwed up to suddenly become emotionally mature, connect in deep meaningful ways and trust you. The reality is ..it will not happen. I firmly believe with all my heart that the only way to save many of these shattered marriages is compassion. If compassion is felt as the strongest emotion ..I believe the magic is inside of acceptance and compassion. It is the only way ...in my humble findings. 

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And then angry with herself for feeling so angry with a dying husband that her kindness bucket was just empty....so tbh most of the time she feels silent resentment or numb to the point of feeling nothing at all.
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Yes.  I have looked in the mirror and asked myself this . Truly , I have . Why am I void of compassion and kindness?  Empty.

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What does Grace mean to you, Barbie, in your situation? If, without changing the reality of who your h is or who you are or any of what has happened, you could find it, would you want to? Or does it cost something you are not prepared to pay? And does what you have come to learn about trauma (for both of you) help or hinder that?
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This will require some thought.  And I appreciate the question very much. Who knows what doors it may open or thoughts it may change. I will examine what "grace" means to me ...I just do not know at this moment. 

Quote
peace which passes all understanding'
.

I love these words and how they sound when they are all put together. Makes me want to cry... I want that kind of peace in my life.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#6: October 12, 2020, 01:31:33 PM
HI Barbie,

      I love reading your story because you are raw and real. I too am angry to the point I don't know if I will ever be the same again. As hard as I try I don't see me being compassionate or forgiving at the moment. I would have hoped this would have changed by now but it hasn't. Thank you for being so open and honest.

  n.
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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#7: October 16, 2020, 08:18:10 AM
Barbie -
Attaching and following along.

I just want to re-emphasize that the traumatized brain has neuroplasticity that they, in the past, thought didn't exist.
So yes, he can become rewired, despite all the pain and trauma that he's been through.

Sending you hugs and peace...
Sea
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

b
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#8: October 21, 2020, 05:31:51 PM
Thinking alot lately about how long this journey to " feeling better"  takes.  Maybe it could be called acceptance or forgiveness or some other fitting word , but I am just calling it "feeling better ".  It is staggering when I face that nearly 7 years of my life has been altered and irreversibly changed due to the actions of someone else.  When you really think about that , it just is beyond understanding.  There has not been one SINGLE DAY in nearly 7 years that I have not thought of what he did, his affair, his monster words, his lies etc etc . Not one day have I ever felt recovered and happy and fully able to put it in the past and move forward in a positive and happy way.  Lately , this has truly been a very shocking reality and a more urgent need to not allow 1 more year to be sucked away on something I had no say in, no way of controlling and have no responsibility for.  Not one more year without finding the magic of making this end and gluing the final piece of who I am now back in place.  Many of us have been at this for YEARS on end, some have been sidelined for close to a decade. To have your thoughts and emotions held hostage by the actions of another ...it just cannot be right. But it seems that it is what happens. I want to be free of that . But I am not .

Can you even imagine ( and this continues to shock me ) that in a split second decision to unbuckle his pants and without one single thought ... pursues a temporary "happy " and that 7 years later it still hurts.  I cannot find impactful enough words. That one act , that one selfish choice , that one decision changed the course of my life for all these years. Why?. I mean I know why in many ways ...but really ??  Why??.  Could he have ever imagined the pain and devastation to his life that one action would inflict?.  Could he ever forecast that years and years would go by and still it hurts . Still that decisions carries such deep heartache .  Had he ever understood what it would take to repair this damage , if he ever knew it would be years to overcome and I sure he would never turned around and came back. It is so close to impossible  to "fix".  He was very very naive  about the depth of his "mistake".  So was I.   NEVER did I imagine it would hurt for so long or that it would be so difficult to overcome . I would not have reconciled had I had a glimpse into how difficult it is.

And the women in this world that sleep with a married man? Can there be a more foolish or cruel groups of humans?  Are they really without emotion or care for other humans, children, families etc. Are they so desperate to believe whatever these married men tell them that it overrides any sense of human decency. Are they truly void of any feelings of the children that are so desperately harmed ? Do they even know the depth of pain their actions will inflict on another women?  It is as if women that cheat with married men have never read a book . Have never heard about the facts that married men lie , that they rarely stay with affair partners, that they are often used and deposited into recycle bins, that they will have very low probability of a successful long term marriage?. The OW my husband got involved with cared nothing for all the people she would hurt . He was the 3rd time she had an affair with a married man and even told him this . Almost bragging that somehow these men saw them as "better" than their wives. Look what these men are risking to be with them ...they MUST be better . I was told she cried for months after my H dumped her. Nothing compared to the damage she participated in.  I just cannot imagine what these women say if they are ever confronted with a sister or a friends anguish if they have been cheated on.  How do they feel about themselves to know what they have done?  I just cannot begin to understand women who sleep with married men.  I hope it happens to them someday ... but I doubt they have the character or emotional maturity to truly feel that depth of pain.

I guess I am just tired of all of it. That my brain is always "on" and chances are high it will be ruminating about the events of the past 7 years.  No matter what I do ... garden, bake, go for a walk, shop, sleep ...it will "think" about all of it. I resent the time it has stolen from me, I resent intrusive thoughts that never leave me alone . I resent that it takes sooooo long to feel "normal" again.  If there had have been a camera crew from some reality show following me around for the past 7 years ...no one would ever cheat again. People have no real and true idea of the life altering changes affairs and cheaters create. 

I have had moments in the past that I thought of walking into my church and weeping at the alter and beg god to take the unrelenting sorrow away. To give me some space for happiness or joy again because the anger takes up all the space. I have thought of my pastor and how he may be able to give me something better than what life has handed me the last several years.  I just have no idea why it is taking sooo long to overcome?  What am I doing or failing to do that will help me break free from the hurt .  Desperation.

I have experienced every single thing in this article... and still do from time to time. 

https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/surviving-infidelity/461-why-infidelity-is-so-painful-to-the-betrayed-spouse




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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

W
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#9: October 21, 2020, 07:34:06 PM
Hi Barbiedoll.

I don't think your supposed to forget about it and coining it "feeling better" is perfectly fine. As a fellow LBS, I'm all about justice, fairness and accountability. Unfortunately I don't think it works out that way. So we carry it as our burden. Yeah I know how you feel.

Obviously your in a different place as your in reconnection and I'm getting divorced. Sometimes men like adversity. They like when they are the underdog and their backs are too the wall. Sometimes they need to figure out how to fight for something.

Reconnection seems like another phase of limbo as I follow you. I wonder if Barbie the individual can find happiness and joy for herself first. I know you are living with him and its not easy. I don't know if I have a reconnection in me.

I remember the day I received a court summons for child support. She forced me to get an attorney and I knew the outcome. She forced me to sink or swim. So I chose to swim and filed. Now I have adopted that sink or swim analogy on her.

Again I'm not in reconnection but if I was, she would have to sink or swim and find a way to reconnect with me. I would focus on making myself my number one priority. Happiness and Joy can be found within yourself.

Wishing the best for you  :)
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