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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting The Heart Behind The Hurt

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My Story Reconnecting Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt
#10: October 21, 2020, 08:53:01 PM
barbiedoll, (((HUGS)))

What that article does not say is that infidelity literally hurts us in our physiological brains. There is a trauma component that is often overlooked and definitely never served by all of the psychological or emotional talk; this kind of betrayal hits at our native physical system’s need and primal urge for safety and trust. No amount of talking it out is going to treat that or make it better — it’s a felt sense, a body energy understanding. And I’m not sure what makes it better — for me as a traumatized person, I’ve seen a lot of benefit and progress in EMDR, sort of almost therapist-free. But really, the restorative actions and reliability and even-tempered-ness or solidity and tender/patient/caring behaviors of the betraying partner can really help a lot, if it is consistent *over time*.

The main thing is that this kind of trauma or violation hits so hard and elicits a dissociation; it means two separate brain systems are fighting to work together, but they literally biologically can’t. It’s not possible to bond/attach if also in defense/fight/flight activation. And that is absolutely not your fault, and it also in no way means you are broken. It means what your husband did was THAT DESTRUCTIVE to you. Not emotionally or psychologically, either, although both of those too. His destructive actions caused your physical brain to be in pain and physical conflict with two separate and distinct parts/functions/systems in itself.

For my own case I’d say it’s like my h’s careless thoughtless or deliberate harms to me poured a Coke on my brain and fried the motherboard. That implies something needs to be replaced, and it can’t really be (any part of it). So what’s left is the very slow and meticulous process of drying it out and removing the damaging input, and rehabilitating the damaged systems.

This is brain biology and physiology, neuroscience, the organ of the brain itself. It’s not just emotional or psychological or mental; it’s our wiring as human beings and it’s a high loud signal that especially your h now has to be very gentle and careful with every part of you. And I’m no expert, just a student, so you will want to seek more info or clarification on your own — but what I know is that your traumatized brain does not mean you are weak or fragile. On the contrary, you are blessedly strong, barbiedoll, and as a person traumatized in childhood, I am certain your husband is too. You just both need the right care and support and psychoeducation from your therapy providers. Your h is not getting a big pass just because his childhood really super sucked. He caused damage to the literal brain systems of his beautiful loving wife, and it’s on him to overcome his own stuff enough to be cognizant if your pain and to be a rock for you.

Your disconnect isn’t your fault and isn’t even necessarily an indicator of whether or how much you love or “should” trust him. The brain is finally sort of just its own self and a very neutral thing, not emotional. It’s job is literally to make sure you are safe. Take any emotionality or thought process out of it and the brain just knows that this person in your life has cost you so much hurt and ability to feel safe/vulnerable with him.

Good on you for all the help you have sought, and all the actions you have taken on your own behalf for your own healing, self knowing, and pleasure.

About ow or any mate poachers, I think some of them are snowed by our betraying partner, but I know others are not only complicit but also the active agents and pursuers of other people spouses. The really weird thing I understood tonight while reading your most recent update is that for as much as I’ve read/seen/heard about/witnessed in real life, books, movies, music, clinical cases, or even just dreamt or had thrust at me in nightmares in my sleep?

Literally NOTHING in over four decades of taking in all the stories of all the years and all walks of life and even counseling others EVER prepared me for what deep and harrowing pain a marital infidelity would cause.

NOTHING, and NOBODY’S stories, real or well-written or acted out fiction, EVER gave me even close to a CLUE what this would feel like, if it ever happened to me. And I never expected it to.

And then it did.

And now I am a completely changed person, because of it.

And I couldn’t stop or avoid or avert it, and no matter how deeply I look back and think on it, I still don’t see where I could even have seen it coming.

You are rightfully in a lot of pain. And it’s not your fault. And your physical brain IS resilient enough to recover from it — and so is your h’s. But both of you, like all the rest of us, need to have good support and care from each other, yourselves, and the people around you. And time.

It’s easy to bolt and do something else instead and that might even be the best or most practical solution in some cases. But any healing you do in therapy or self-care or in relating to Self or to each other, is going to be good effort, no matter what.

Finally, I just want to notice to you — you are actually a person of deep grace and compassion. We see that all the time from you here, not just in the way you speak to other board members but in the way you speak about your life. I’m sorry your therapists are having trouble identifying or fully addressing your pain, and I know the trauma arena is difficult for even really great therapists to address or understand. So the more you know about your own physical brain and how it works will be helpful both in structured treatment and in your self care and self nourishing choices.

Your h can heal, and if he’s the one who is “most” broken or unsafe, it’s to his benefit to get really busy with that. Because his errors cost you in ways that require him to now be your rock and patient with your healing. It may take a while and maybe you decide to chuck him, and whatever the case, just know that you can always unchoose that, too.

I feel like I’ve watched you really grow as a soul and womanly spirit in the past year or so, leaps and bounds sometimes. And I know you are fierce and soft and generous in your compassion and willingness to understand others and their themes. So just know that in some way, here you are known. And here you are Beloved, and it doesn’t even matter that we have never met or spoken in person. Your Spirit and heart and wisdom all shine through. Sending loves.
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#11: October 21, 2020, 09:09:32 PM
Absolutely incredible terra. Thank you. What you wrote to Barbie also applies to many others here.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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