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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting The Heart Behind The Hurt

t
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My Story Reconnecting Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt
#10: October 21, 2020, 08:53:01 PM
barbiedoll, (((HUGS)))

What that article does not say is that infidelity literally hurts us in our physiological brains. There is a trauma component that is often overlooked and definitely never served by all of the psychological or emotional talk; this kind of betrayal hits at our native physical system’s need and primal urge for safety and trust. No amount of talking it out is going to treat that or make it better — it’s a felt sense, a body energy understanding. And I’m not sure what makes it better — for me as a traumatized person, I’ve seen a lot of benefit and progress in EMDR, sort of almost therapist-free. But really, the restorative actions and reliability and even-tempered-ness or solidity and tender/patient/caring behaviors of the betraying partner can really help a lot, if it is consistent *over time*.

The main thing is that this kind of trauma or violation hits so hard and elicits a dissociation; it means two separate brain systems are fighting to work together, but they literally biologically can’t. It’s not possible to bond/attach if also in defense/fight/flight activation. And that is absolutely not your fault, and it also in no way means you are broken. It means what your husband did was THAT DESTRUCTIVE to you. Not emotionally or psychologically, either, although both of those too. His destructive actions caused your physical brain to be in pain and physical conflict with two separate and distinct parts/functions/systems in itself.

For my own case I’d say it’s like my h’s careless thoughtless or deliberate harms to me poured a Coke on my brain and fried the motherboard. That implies something needs to be replaced, and it can’t really be (any part of it). So what’s left is the very slow and meticulous process of drying it out and removing the damaging input, and rehabilitating the damaged systems.

This is brain biology and physiology, neuroscience, the organ of the brain itself. It’s not just emotional or psychological or mental; it’s our wiring as human beings and it’s a high loud signal that especially your h now has to be very gentle and careful with every part of you. And I’m no expert, just a student, so you will want to seek more info or clarification on your own — but what I know is that your traumatized brain does not mean you are weak or fragile. On the contrary, you are blessedly strong, barbiedoll, and as a person traumatized in childhood, I am certain your husband is too. You just both need the right care and support and psychoeducation from your therapy providers. Your h is not getting a big pass just because his childhood really super sucked. He caused damage to the literal brain systems of his beautiful loving wife, and it’s on him to overcome his own stuff enough to be cognizant if your pain and to be a rock for you.

Your disconnect isn’t your fault and isn’t even necessarily an indicator of whether or how much you love or “should” trust him. The brain is finally sort of just its own self and a very neutral thing, not emotional. It’s job is literally to make sure you are safe. Take any emotionality or thought process out of it and the brain just knows that this person in your life has cost you so much hurt and ability to feel safe/vulnerable with him.

Good on you for all the help you have sought, and all the actions you have taken on your own behalf for your own healing, self knowing, and pleasure.

About ow or any mate poachers, I think some of them are snowed by our betraying partner, but I know others are not only complicit but also the active agents and pursuers of other people spouses. The really weird thing I understood tonight while reading your most recent update is that for as much as I’ve read/seen/heard about/witnessed in real life, books, movies, music, clinical cases, or even just dreamt or had thrust at me in nightmares in my sleep?

Literally NOTHING in over four decades of taking in all the stories of all the years and all walks of life and even counseling others EVER prepared me for what deep and harrowing pain a marital infidelity would cause.

NOTHING, and NOBODY’S stories, real or well-written or acted out fiction, EVER gave me even close to a CLUE what this would feel like, if it ever happened to me. And I never expected it to.

And then it did.

And now I am a completely changed person, because of it.

And I couldn’t stop or avoid or avert it, and no matter how deeply I look back and think on it, I still don’t see where I could even have seen it coming.

You are rightfully in a lot of pain. And it’s not your fault. And your physical brain IS resilient enough to recover from it — and so is your h’s. But both of you, like all the rest of us, need to have good support and care from each other, yourselves, and the people around you. And time.

It’s easy to bolt and do something else instead and that might even be the best or most practical solution in some cases. But any healing you do in therapy or self-care or in relating to Self or to each other, is going to be good effort, no matter what.

Finally, I just want to notice to you — you are actually a person of deep grace and compassion. We see that all the time from you here, not just in the way you speak to other board members but in the way you speak about your life. I’m sorry your therapists are having trouble identifying or fully addressing your pain, and I know the trauma arena is difficult for even really great therapists to address or understand. So the more you know about your own physical brain and how it works will be helpful both in structured treatment and in your self care and self nourishing choices.

Your h can heal, and if he’s the one who is “most” broken or unsafe, it’s to his benefit to get really busy with that. Because his errors cost you in ways that require him to now be your rock and patient with your healing. It may take a while and maybe you decide to chuck him, and whatever the case, just know that you can always unchoose that, too.

I feel like I’ve watched you really grow as a soul and womanly spirit in the past year or so, leaps and bounds sometimes. And I know you are fierce and soft and generous in your compassion and willingness to understand others and their themes. So just know that in some way, here you are known. And here you are Beloved, and it doesn’t even matter that we have never met or spoken in person. Your Spirit and heart and wisdom all shine through. Sending loves.
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#11: October 21, 2020, 09:09:32 PM
Absolutely incredible terra. Thank you. What you wrote to Barbie also applies to many others here.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

b
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#12: November 27, 2020, 04:25:13 PM
Been awhile my friends since I updated my story ..so here goes. It will be choppy as I will come and go thru out the day as I just have too much on my plate today to just sit.  We had a huge wind store last week ...and I mean HUGE , and we had a tree come down smash out the entire backyard fence, the gazebo and the tips of the branches just brushed down the sides of our brand new truck.  So today I have tree cleanup crew carting this mess away and the city is saying there is a tree that they will completely remove.  My H has already chainsawed up the tree and temporarily put the fence back together until spring . Just an awful mess.   Christmas is coming of course and I just love the entire thing ...I decorate this old Victorian house to the 9's and people just love to look at it , take pictures and feel like we time warped back to old fashioned christmas . It takes a huge amount of time and effort ..but ever so beautiful. Last year I sat 33 people for dinner and we were still missing 4. And then there is this year. Our area has been moved to RED catagory ( 1 step from complete lockdown) and indoors only allows for 5 people total. Well, there is 3 of us , so I guess I can invite 2. None of my girls coming home for christmas ...what could be the point of hauling all those totes out of the basement?  No one will see it.  So I have decided to only decorate the mantles and have a tree. Thats it for this year. I am now told that Christmas is only to be celebrated within your household and the people you live with. Just hard to even comprehend what has happened with COVID and it continues to get worse everyday. I think christmas will be about jammies and old movies this year. All somewhat depressing.

I have been feeling unwell. Really unwell . And to see a doctor at the moment is damn near impossible , especially with no specific complaint. I am continually exhausted, no motivation ( even to talk) , just flat out ....flat. I am not sure if it is physical or just emotionally done-in. I got a bad case of the BLAHS I guess. But I have chronic insomnia ...no matter what , I cannot sleep and it is just the worst thing. ...ever. I roam around half the night and average 4 hours of sleep a night. It is getting me down for sure and I have found no solution.  H tests his blood pressure daily ( 1 kidney needs close watch on rather high blood pressure) ...and he has it under control. By fluke , he said " come, lets check your blood pressure". Well , ladies and gentlemen , my H had himself a fit when he saw the result. I was not really paying attention. Turns out he insisted on hospital trip...it was that high . He did it 5 times and it came down a bit but by then I am full of anxiety.  He called the nurse , she called the doctor and wallah...now on blood pressure medication that I need to report daily. Imagine? . Doctor also ordered blood work etc etc , that I did yesterday.  H says he has never seen such high blood pressure ... maybe that is part of feeling yukky. I dunno. I have been far FAR more stressed in the past than I feel right now ...but , none  the less , I have very very high blood pressure and I am dealing with it .
Things have been very quiet and peaceful here . Not "happy " kinda peaceful, more I surrender , gave up the fight and find myself very quiet.  I just truly have nothing left that needs saying (its all been said ..more than once) and I am done with regurgitation.  And it is not an angry silence as it has been for a very long time...it is just acceptance for what is. If you have tried a million times in a million ways to solve a problem and you just cannot....it is likely a time for acceptance. And for a person like me ...that is profound. I have just found myself in a place of acceptance , that no matter what I do..I cannot change it.  It feels like relief...that I can drop the sword , that I am done with the struggle and I do not have to engage in unresolvable circumstances. A good part of me really likes this place ...I am OK here.  I have accepted the avoidant child that is alive and well in this grown man and that it will always be there . I have accepted that he does not feel "safe" and done alot of reading and researching about that . What a sad sad thing...but it is my reality. He has been hurt and betrayed in EVERY SINGLE relationship he has ever had ...so relationships are all about fear and protection, hardwired from childhood. Even I have no power to change that and it has been there for all of our marriage.   I remember he said to me one day ..." I realize its not MY job to make you happy ".  And I reminded him " neither is it my job to make you feel safe".  He just stares at me ..as always .  And of course I have raged and screamed and raged over this affair , missing money, the liar that lives in him and all my losses and that I am sure damaged his "safety" further . So be it ...every tear, every firetrucking cuss word, every threat, confrontation etc was well justified and he earned it. Just sayin.  I could never have stopped my anger .

I have told him " you got a free -one".  What do I mean by that ?.  Many times I have read from other women who have navigated affair recovery that they have a "far better marriage, an intimate connection they never knew existed ...some even say his affair was worth it to have this fantastic marriage. I rarely believe such statements . But it has not been the case for me. Nothing fabulous and new has grown making his affair in some twisted way..worth it.  It is the same as it was before in many many ways ...the avoidant and the anxious pre-occuppied ( me).  And for what its worth..you can not solve anything with avoidant partners. They shut down, resist connection, stay silent ( even if they are utterly miserable) , fail to connect, have deep fears of vulnerability and will NEVER bring up an issue to be resolved . EVER.  His silence and withdrawal is rejection , it feels like a "punishment"  ( for bringing up an issue) and it is abandoning the relationship. Over and over a million times ...for decades . I never understood it before like I do now, but it has always been there . These are the guys that will have affairs , abandon their families etc  BEFORE they will talk to you about anything that might be wrong.  They rob you the opportunity to be a wife, to be a help-mate or to "fix" anything.  They are self reliant , they solve their own issues ....sometimes in ways that brings devastation on anyone that ever tried to love them.  It will never be possible to have any emotional connection, any emotional faith or trust in them or to love them as you could have.  I have told him all of this many times.  And so has the therapists in their own words . He cannot be other than who he is .....acceptance is the only way to live in some sort of peace. And it has worked for me . There have been no issues for months and months.  Of course there have been no conversations other than superficial and meaningless babble. To do otherwise is not in my best interest or in the interest of good selfcare. 

Those who have followed my adventure to the land of lies and affairs may recall our Gottman Marriage counsellor refusing to work with us as a couple .  What she really meant was ME.  He is a silent passenger and I am the noise, the snot, the screamer and the "difficult" one . She said she wanted to only work with him for awhile . WOW!.  I was darn happy about that request as his original therapist has been COVID unavailable.   So he alone has been seeing the "marriage " counsellor for months and ( of course) says ZERO about it. Top notch secret ..whatever goes on there . She told me that she would see us again as a couple when he was "ready". Ha! . She tells me I am wrong to accept his avoidance , that he can do better just needs to feel "safe" because she believes he has never ever felt safe in the world. Apparrently, she believes that he must come clean about the unexplained money or it will sit like poison between us and he needs to be accountable for that. I have not spoke to him directly about that for years as the rage I feel ...is astronomical.  I know in my heart of hearts what he did with it ...I know . She understands " where his closed doors are".  Hmmmm? . Suffice to say I have not received an invite to return to "marriage counselling".

I am working on ME.  And for the 1st time , he is far from my focus.  I am taking an online course to use my covid quarantine time to good use .  He knows I am taking this course and he has looked at the webpage...he has not said a word. Exactly as expected and I am happy working away on me .  He does not like my silence . He does not like that perhaps this anxious - pre-occupied women is moving closer and closer to a strong , independent , proud secure attachment style . He can feel the shift and is suspicious of change. He asks why I am so quiet , he touches me every single time he goes by, he hugs me everytime he is able and he wants to know what I am reading. I no longer answer him . If I did talk to  him about this course , he would shut down ( possible unsafe topic) and that would trigger me and a round and around we go. I have withdrawn from that circle  and he tries to pull me back . But I am not going back. That part of my interaction with him is done.  This is a very interesting website on attachment trauma and I have been actively working on some online learning. I can feel myself growing ....

https://www.heirloomcounseling.com/







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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

N

Nas

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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#13: November 27, 2020, 04:32:41 PM
You know what Barbie, I love the fire and passion that I hear directed towards yourself.
You know I think you’re a bad ass. It’s Barbie’s time to do what Barbie wants.
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C
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#14: November 27, 2020, 04:56:52 PM
Yes, feeling passionate about doing the work on yourself... that is so often exactly what we need, whatever we decide about the relationship in the end. I think we try so hard to make it work for our spouses and the relationship, but we too often put ourselves last. And it’s so important to get to the place where you are.
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#15: November 27, 2020, 07:14:00 PM
Barbie - I have been thinking about you lately - wondering how you've been doing...

First - your Victorian house sounds amazing and beautiful.
I think that the mantle and tree will be just perfect for your intimate gathering, AND will be a break for you.  You deserve it... 

I am sorry about the wind storms.  I am  happy that the city is willing to help to a degree.  Glad that the house itself was preserved and not damaged.

Physically - I hope that you get your BP under control.  Stress can wreak havoc on the body - and you've been under quite some stress for quite awhile.
I was initially happy to hear about how you've surrendered, but the more I read the more unsure I was about whether it was a healthy, happy place.  I feel like you've surrendered out of exhaustion and defeat, although mixed messages if you truly do feel relieved about it. 
You deserve to be happy and stress-free, and I wonder if continuing in this relationship is healthy for you right now?
How would you feel if you were to live apart for a year, for instance?  Can you visualize that for yourself?  Would it be peaceful for you or would it be added stress?
I just want to be sure that you're not settling "for the devil you know".

I apologize if I am speaking out of turn, but it just doesn't sound like your acceptance is a happy acceptance, however I could be completely wrong - in which case, please forgive me.

I'm so happy that you're doing this online work.  It could be a great pivotal point for you.  I hope so, at least. 

I hope that you're feeling better; I think once your BP becomes normalized it will help.

Sending hugs,
Sea
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#16: November 28, 2020, 08:02:20 AM
Barbie,

Thank you for continuing to share your journey of reconnection and the difficulties that it can bring.  I find myself nodding along with you often.

This morning I am surrounded by boxes of Christmas decorations I pulled out yesterday.  I am sitting here with my cup of coffee wondering if I don’t decorate will anyone really care?   I’m trying to convince myself they would and trying to remember that I do it for myself as well. 

Your journey shows us all that MLC is not just about the journey of our spouses but one that we must go on as well.  I believe if both people in a relationship that has been in MLC don’t complete their own journey there can be no completeness to being together again.  (If that makes any sense).   I know my H and I are struggling to put something of our marriage back together . Calm Communication has been key for us.  I could not have attempted this a year ago because I was still figuring myself out and my H was still deep in the tunnel. 

My H too is coming out of his tunnel to a completely different wife.  He is confused by my strength and wisdom.  Our MC called it the “thawing of our relationship”.  We both put up walls of ice to protect ourselves and now that they are beginning to thaw we have to figure out where they will flow.  Not an easy process. 

I commend you for taking the steps YOU need to become full again. Taking a break from putting your marriage back is probably a good thing right now while you explore who you are at this point. 

Again, thank you for your honesty and openness. 




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Husband 55
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Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

C
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#17: November 28, 2020, 09:02:35 AM
Seconding what Roo said so eloquently. Thank you for sharing your story so openly. As much as the LBS can bend over backward to promise changes at BD, some of us also get to a stage of “what do I need to change? I’m fine; I’m not the one who blew up my life.” But however it came about, the crisis happened, and both people involved have to learn the lessons and do our own work. Your reminders of the importance of the LBS healing process are essential, so thank you.
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t
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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt
#18: November 28, 2020, 02:35:18 PM
barbiedoll, I think of you a lot and I’m so glad to see your update. I cried; I feel a new acceptance also, and it feels strange.

I love Victorians and so does D; we have a local artist friend who decorates her art studio and home to the nines every time there is a holiday to do that with. It’s lovely to see and to treasure the visual delight and all the work that someone like you will put into it; that’s such a gift. So I’m sorry C19 puts a crimp in it this year, and at the same time, gosh, you deserve a good rest.

The bit about your MC p!sses me off. I’ve been the “difficult” one also and, just saying, it sounds like the MC has a bias. Not your fault, and nothing personal, just that the therapist doesn’t sound experienced enough.

I’m fond of the Gottmans and for what it’s worth, the Gottman MC from my first marriage sided with xh too. I held my ground until it was finally bad enough that I started walking out of sessions halfway through them. When D’s dad had me served with divorce papers, I called her and said so: “I told you this was on the way. You said no. I just wanted to call and let you know I was right.”

She had moved out of state and become a golf coach. So.

I am still fond of the Gottmans.

What I want you to know is that although one of their credentialed therapists did not work well for me, or for you, as it stands, I continued with their work in my own manner. I have attended all of their clinical trainings for licensed therapists, to get at the info straight from both Drs.

Look up “blood pressure oximeter Gottman”, just for kicks. That health symptom in you is ostensibly a direct result of your h’s relational and financial infidelities, dishonesty, stonewalling.

The Gottman therapist ought to know that, I think it’s covered in the very first level and in every subsequent one. I want to say too, it sounds like she hasn’t done the training on treating affairs and trauma. Your husband can take that training himself; it’s online for about the price of a 1-hour therapy session. At any rate, I’m glad that he saw directly and got you to hospital — now if he and the Gottman therapist can sort out how even the Gottmans themselves would counsel or signal to him that your BP has plenty to do with the stress levels his own actions caused.

I am hoping for all kinds of good peace in your direction, and good on you for self care and your own self interests. (((HUGS)))

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b
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The Heart Behind The Hurt
#19: December 01, 2020, 09:30:07 AM
Quote
Yes, feeling passionate about doing the work on yourself... that is so often exactly what we need, whatever we decide about the relationship in the end. I think we try so hard to make it work for our spouses and the relationship, but we too often put ourselves last. And it’s so important to get to the place where you are.
.

It took me a very long time ( years) to get to this place . I mistakenly believed for years that my happiness or recovery depended on him.  If he said  "this", I would feel better. If he said "that" or did "this" , I would feel better .  Now there is a tiny bit of truth in that I must say, but if you depend solely on that to put your broken self back together ..it will not happen.  It certainly has helped that he took full accountability for what he had done, it helped that he apologized a hundred times, it "helped" that he willingly went to counselling and it helped that he apologized to his daughters . All those things matter ...but will not replace the "work" I need to do to heal myself.  He cannot fix me anymore than I can "fix him".   The greater part of this journey to heal "self" must be done by yourself ..and that is scary .  I know that in my case , his choices and actions exploded all my FOO issues that were buried inside ...he is not responsible for that pain or hurt . That is mine to deal with , just as his FOO issues have nothing to do with me.

Quote
I was initially happy to hear about how you've surrendered, but the more I read the more unsure I was about whether it was a healthy, happy place.  I feel like you've surrendered out of exhaustion and defeat, although mixed messages if you truly do feel relieved about it.

I am exhausted by years of stress , PTSD reactions and times of deep confusion. It has been the most excruciatingly painful experience , but everyone here knows that pain.  It does sound like a mixed message , I understand what a reader might interpret . I don't do "defeat" ..trust me.  It truly feels "right" to me, where I am now. I feel a contentment and internal peace about myself ...not always about my marriage, if that makes sense.   I think it has something to do with changing the " anxious pre-occupied " attachment style to a far more secure one.  I no longer feel compelled or absolutely driven to pursue , question, demand , chase or "need" him to do anything for me. I am OK inside of me, I can deal with myself with no expectation that he needs to be doing anything .It is very difficult to explain. Some of the changes I feel just happened on their own ( it seems) . There was a time , that if my H took his laptop to his shop in the garage or if he stayed at his desk with it ...I had the most insane all consuming panic attack ever. Then I would attack and demand ( ANYTHING ...to make the panic stop) . EXTREME panic , pacing, sweating fight or flight , needing to FLEE NOW . Why??  . Because he was ignoring me , he put something ahead of me , he was likely chatting to OW, he was gambling, he was "hiding" stuff, I am going to "miss" something bad happening again.  I wanted to die and better dead than living like that.  I am no longer triggered by that ..not even a tiny bit. Its gone completely and utterly ...and you have to believe , it was killing me. Now what happened internally to make that trigger utterly dissappear?  As my therapist would say " Barbiedoll, you have done SOOO much work, you have processed and integrated so many wounds , so much hurt ...now you reap some of the rewards ".  And I have many examples of  this new internal peace inside of me. It is not so much about my marriage.  I fully understand  and believe that no matter what he may ever do in the future ( I cannot control him) , I will infact be totally 100% fine in finding my own way. This has to be a happier healthier place!!

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You deserve to be happy and stress-free, and I wonder if continuing in this relationship is healthy for you right now?
How would you feel if you were to live apart for a year, for instance?  Can you visualize that for yourself?  Would it be peaceful for you or would it be added stress?
.

Stress free ?  I honestly and truly believe that this is a total illusion.  Stress-free ? I do not know 1 single human ( adult or child) that is stress free.  It perhaps is a dangerous thing to strive for..as it does not exist . I only have to see my middle daughters phone number on my phone and I feel stress . That girl can send me to stress-ville in a flash ...and she is pretty permanent in my life. My 21 year old grandson just moved to Los Angeles for an "adventure". WUT? . In a pandemic?. My 86 year old parents create enough stress to make me want to rip my own headoff.  There is no stress free "island" . You ( of course) need to find ways to manage your stress depending on your personality ( I am a very intense passionate person) thru selfcare, awareness , calming strategies or improved coping skills. Running away will never be the answer. 

Now , I must say , that the biggest , most regretted decision I ever made was to allow my husband to return home so quickly . NEVER should I have done that . I should have used a "year or 2" apart from him at that time.  I will not do that now.  I have been asked by various therapists if I think "healing" would be different if he was gone..or if he was home.  i was very very quick to answer .." it would be far easier if he was gone . All the triggers would be gone". I would not have to deal with these tortuous unrelenting triggers ...if I just got away from HIM. I fully believed that . Sort of like a MLC'er who believes they have to "run" to be happy and get away from their spouse.  A geographical change ...will change nothing at this point.  What I do believe is there would be an entirely new list of stressors on top of the ones I carry inside of me . No matter what ...I will NEVER leave this house until my youngest daughter flies away on her own.  Imagine me leaving and leaving her with him .  He would cause her ZERO harm ( I am not saying that ) but she certainly would be trying to fill that space with groceries , laundry, cleaning blah blah and having to deal with him alone. She would also be questioned to death by her siblings . This girl is working online teaching at 2 Universities and 2nd year PHD student . The universities have very high hopes for this protege . She is extremely attached to me ...to family, to God and she has been hurt enough .  NOTHING will make me disrupt that path...and me leaving would absolutely derail her . Not happening...ever.  My family has been deeply hurt by what he has done ...not unlike many of yours . I still have a 12 year old grandson that I facetime and he asks " Is poppa in your house? Can I see him?". I have daughters that if I say " I need to talk to you?" ...they cry. Imagine ? Adult girls.  If I seem "off" they all have a little pow-wow and try to figure out what is wrong with me .  So...NO. The relationships that would shatter mean far too much to me ...not to mention my 86 year old dad.  It would hurt him . I am just not of the belief I can " do what ever I want as long as I am happy " and to hell with anyone that may not like it . I am NOT that person.  And would I be happy???  .  Big risk . I have "forethought "...maybe far too much. He on the other hand has very little.   There is absolutely no guarantee that I would be "happier" living somewhere else. As far as I am concerned "happy" is over rated and can be a very selfish thing. Its internal after all ... and I can feel that changing inside of me irregardless of him.  Just to add a thought and an observation. It is not an easy thing to leave someone that you have spent your entire adult life with ... it just is not. I see friends truly suffer with being the deepest lonely, feel regret in painful waves, wish they had done this or that , wish they had tried harder , wish they had forgiven and suffer with a deep loss inside of a shattered family . Where they hear thru the grapevine what thier ex is doing, or they cannot attend a birthday party because HE will be there , or the loss of ALL of their extended family memebers etc etc .  So ..no thanks.  The point is , there is NO easy way. Once this happenes inside of a marriage , nothing ever again will be easy . Easy is gone. Its hard to stay ( truly, I have packed , I have had this house up for sale, I have a file with a lawyer) and it is equally hard to leave.... just "different .  EASY is gone. Much is gone.

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I apologize if I am speaking out of turn, but it just doesn't sound like your acceptance is a happy acceptance, however I could be completely wrong - in which case, please forgive me.
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No need to ever apologize to me ! I think you are the bravest little Seahorse and I love that you will ask the risky questions. How honest is that ??  I do appreciate you.  Last year I would have floundered with this question...but I am "new" again this year and I do believe you are wrong. I have to be damn sure to say that because I examine myself without a spec of mercy.  I have found a new place inside of me and I am still exploring what it all means ...but I feel deeply comfortable , I like the possibilities in this space , I like the calm and in control of myself  ME.  Yikes... that made me cry.  Some shift is moving inside of the new me .. I think I like it .  I am going to stay in this place of exploring acceptance until I have learned what it has to teach me .

Burning my extra-soft Molasses cookies now . My dad loves them. To be continued later ..... I thank you all. I truly do .
  • Logged
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

 

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