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Author Topic: My Story Will he return after 7+ years away?

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My Story Re: Will he return after 7+ years away?
#10: October 17, 2020, 07:18:05 AM
Nah is 100% right.

What difference does it make if you call it MLC, Walk-away-spouse, purple brain eaters, alien abduction etc?

The result is the same.  A Spouse has walked away from his marriage, divorced, and married someone else in 2016 - 4 years ago.

Your H is in a new life - and from what you wrote I would say he plans to stay there.
I am sorry if this is painful - but reality is staring you in the face - stop feeding the fantasy of the MLC theory of their eventual return.  It simply isn't the norm.

Let's be honest - reconciliation of a marriage after MLC breakup - divorce - and remarriage to another is about as rare as a hen's tooth.

Can you find an  few examples of people that had the experience?
Probably.
But let's look at a different example -

Every month there is a Lottery winner.
However, the vast numbers of lotto players don't win.
Would you plan you retirement income on the idea you will eventually win the Lottery?
I would say it's not a prudent idea - and the downside could be pretty disastrous.

From what you said - your have rebuild a good life - keep doing that.



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Will he return after 7+ years away?
#11: October 17, 2020, 08:16:32 AM
I wouldn't say I'm hoping for him to come back -- I think I would find that upsetting at this point.  It's a strange combination of hope and apprehension.  I think mainly I know that it would never be the same.  I don't really want to be compared to the OW and I feel like my resentment for what he did would bubble up in any and every conflict.  I just don't need that in my life.  I just find it hard to emotionally prepare for his potential return and the conversation that follows, along with the possibility that that will never happen.  I'm better off if I just assume it won't.

His relationship with the OW has beaten all the odds.  People don't often marry their affair partner, but he did.  Third marriages fail 74% of the time, but he's been married 4 years now.  He's even lost both his parents in the last 18 months and gotten laid off in the pandemic and it just keeps on ticking.  Maybe there is something there that we just didn't have.

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Will he return after 7+ years away?
#12: October 17, 2020, 08:29:27 AM
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I'm better off if I just assume it won't.

We have some well worn phrases on HS "live as though he is never coming back" is one of them and indeed many people  have built a life of their own which is truly satisfying.

For the sake of our daughter, I remain "friendly" enough that I am ok when he wants to join us. Different from you, there is no OW that I know of now.

You have done well with your life and seem to find the joy and beauty that we can have, as I said, they are a part of our life story but not all of it.

We also "quote" on HS that the LBSer will be the one to decide whether or not a reconciliation or friendship is possible. Each of us are vastly different in our personal history and belief system.

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He's even lost both his parents in the last 18 months and gotten laid off in the pandemic and it just keeps on ticking. 

There seems to be this idea that something will shake them out of their crisis. I think that could be true for some but not for others...once again, there really is no way to generalize.

 
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Maybe there is something there that we just didn't have.

Only you can answer that. Most of us question but again, I reiterate that MLC is not about us and not about the marriage. They rewrite history and sometimes it's hard for us not to do so as well.

I am grateful that we had 32 wonderful years together. I know what they were like. His crisis changed him, perhaps what he wanted now...a "second" chance at life or love..who knows...but I know what we had was real.

Keep pondering and asking questions. Ultimately I think that each one of us finds the answers within.
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Re: Will he return after 7+ years away?
#13: October 17, 2020, 08:37:07 AM
There IS something there I’m their relationship that the two of you didn’t have.  A desperate (and despicable) need to cling to the “it was all worth it” aspect of the relationship.  It was founded on deceit and betrayal.  There’s no integrity there.  Superficially, maybe it is wonderful.  It might be a mile wide but it’s only an inch deep.  What I had with my husband had genuine depth to it.  Would I want the relationship he has now?!  Not in a million years.  I still miss what was - but I don’t envy what he has.  A man capable of leaving his wife and kids for dead after more than 20 years together - isn’t a man I would want.  I don’t deserve a man like that.  The OW does and I’m glad that is what she found.  Bc woman like that - deserve men like that!
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Re: Will he return after 7+ years away?
#14: October 17, 2020, 10:22:02 AM
Marian, this really stood out to me:

"At first it was my one wish, but my new normal has become really . . . NORMAL.  I've dated a couple other people but I've discovered a real love of my independence."

I say good for you!  It does sound like you have a good, happy, independent life right now, with you loved ones.  Isn't that what we all should want?  To be happy with our lives.

To answer one of your questions, I believe in MLC but I also believe some marriages just weren't that happy.  It's hard to say why some people leave their marriages, yet I think after a few years, and some real mirror work done,  "some" may find it becomes apparent things were not as good as they thought.

I'm certainly not saying that is the case with your marriage, no one can answer that but you.
I'm just saying not everyone leaves a marriage because they had a midlife crisis.  Some times they just leave...and sometimes they are happy.  I guess time will tell.

You see more crazy antics with MLCer's.  Big personality changes, making crazy decisions that make no sense, becoming highly self-absorbed, dressing much younger than their years, hanging out with a much younger crowd.
Just a few things that so many MLCer's seem to have in common, but not all of them.

I sounds to me like you are in a good place, Marian. 

I'm glad you finally posted.
Hugs
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« Last Edit: October 17, 2020, 10:23:36 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Will he return after 7+ years away?
#15: October 17, 2020, 12:15:08 PM
I have a friend for whom this happened. The person her H was during the time they were divorced was a total jacka$$. The person he is now still cringes at what he was. When he came back, be was worth having because he didnt come back half baked and wanting anyone to help fix him. He fixed himself, and has made amends every day since he's been back. This is not the usual of what happens. It just shows it can.

Here is the interesting thing about time. It passes, you live your life, you find you can actually HAVE  one without MLC spouse. And hey, it's not so bad. In fact, considering some of us had a ramp up we didn't understand leading up to BD, it's pretty nice. And calm.

So here you are in a comfy and normal life, and you don't really want MLC spouse back, and yet kinda feel like you ought to hold out for the Golden Ticket.

Consider that 4 of the Golden Ticket holders got nothing. Only the "GOOD" ticket holder got the spoils. This is the lesson we are brought up with. We can be the one true "good" person that gets the spoils. We keep thinking if we just do everything right. Just try HARDER! Just wait LONGER! The MLC spouse will realize they were wrong to leave and come back WONDERFUL. Or still broken and we can go back to dysfunctional, if that's who you are. Or whatever in between. In our minds, that will PROVE it wasn't really us, it was MLC that sent them running away.

I don't know anyone who likes being abandoned with no explanation except possibly blame that the LBS caused the wayward spouse to lie, cheat, steal, abandon and lose all empathy for their existing family's feelings. Having them come back would be justification that it was not us. Also, FOMO. What if he becomes a "Wonderful Person". The LBS would miss out on "Wonderful Person"

But we don't need justification. At least I don't.  I did not lie or cheat or steal or abandon. I had no idea there was a problem, so nothing to be done to fix it. The guy who left me was really worth nothing.  If he becomes "Wonderful Person" he can come by, show remorse, and seek to make amends. And that bridge will be crossed or blown up if I ever see it. I also don't seem to have FOMO.

I'm good if he never comes back. I'm good if he tries to.  I won't settle for less than I deserve either way.
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Will he return after 7+ years away?
#16: October 17, 2020, 02:12:36 PM
I know a couple who got back together after a divorce and remarriage - they are members of my church. He married the affair partner, it didn't last very long, they met each other in an airport and got back together... I don't remember how long they were apart, a few years, maybe five.

It can happen.

None of us can tell you for sure whether he will come back. It is more important to make sure that you are where you are meant to be. For me, as a Christian, that is in the center of the Lord's will. I am a stander for my marriage, so that means that I am not pursuing another relationship, I am open to what God wants for me. I continue to work full time, I keep my house, I have two adult kids with whom I have a close relationship, I have three dogs and I have an elderly, mother who needs my support. I travel by myself (when the pandemic allows it), I enjoy cooking, I take part in my church celebrations via Zoom, I drink wine.... My life is not bad, it is a bit lonely, but I guess it is lonely for a lot of people nowadays. I like my independence, as I always have and I find joy in small things, flowers in my garden, sunny days, films on Netflix, coffee, a clean house...
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Will he return after 7+ years away?
#17: October 17, 2020, 09:15:18 PM
I think it is important to realize that feelings may change over time, both yours and his. It is pretty standard for men to take up with someone they knew as a teenager, to explore what their life "would have been" if they hadn't married you. What they are looking for is a mythical chance to "start over", to live life again, and this is precipitated by a fear of their own mortality. This fantasy of starting over is a very powerful drug, and they frequently reject everyone and everything they see as an obstacle including their job, their wife, and their children.

I am glad that you have found peace, it is important to have a "glass half full" attitude. For women living alone is often less burdensome, less cooking and cleaning, more time and independence to dedicate to other activities. I myself have been through many many phases, denial, sadness, resignation, combined with a whole series of tremendously satisfying real life adventures which I never would have lived if he had not abandoned us. I have changed my mind so many times that I no longer try to keep track of how I feel anymore, nor do I make any effort to make final decisions. The bridge will be crossed when we get there.

So if you are happy living alone that is wonderful. You may continue to feel this way, or you may entirely change your mind with time. He may return or he may not, and at that point you will know how you feel.
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« Last Edit: October 17, 2020, 09:20:44 PM by long journey »

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Will he return after 7+ years away?
#18: October 17, 2020, 09:15:29 PM
Hi Marian,

It sounds to me that what you're wondering mostly about is the relationship with the alienator and why it has lasted thus far. You aren't really certain about reconciliation--wanting it or not and maybe even fear the idea if it ever got to that. But why is this affair lasting against the odds?
Well, some do. Just like some MLCers come home and successfully reconcile, some marriages to the alienator last for years and may not end in divorce.
My father was the alienator and she was his 4th wife. They'd been married 29 years when he died in 2016.
Was it a happy marriage?
Well, it wasn't a miserable marriage unless you were hanging out with them--meaning it worked for them and they weren't unhappy, but it sure didn't seem like a great romance to me...I called them the Bickersons.
They each married and brought two kids into the marriage--I didn't live with them, but I was 14 and so not grown. Her kids were 8 and 11 and my brother was 6 and did live with them from 9 to 15.  And my brother was a handful--so they stayed together amidst serious challenges.

But Marian, your situation does have one thing going for them that my Dad did not have. The alienator in your case was an Old Flame and not just, but it sounds like an Old Flame from his teenage years? I believe the researcher who specializes in Old Flame relationships has said that those from this time period have greater pull. I could be wrong, so don't quote me on that.
Here's a Psychology Today article by Dr. Kalish that just goes over some of the Old Flame basics: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sticky-bonds/201110/my-research-12-facts-about-lost-love-reunions
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Re: Will he return after 7+ years away?
#19: October 18, 2020, 01:42:20 AM
On here all evidence is of course anecdotal.

It is true that most MLC marriages end up in divorce and it is true that documented on here are a handful of reconciliations (not always after divorce though)  Stayed talks about her friend who was divorced from her H for over 9 years and he had been a vanisher. 9 years later asks her out for coffee  and now they are fully reconciled, remarried and happy.

So it can happen. Does it mean that your H will want to reconcile with you - who knows?

What matters is you.  You seem to be thriving and living your life to suit you and bearing in mind the speed with which everything happened it is perfectly normal for you to think about the whole concept of reconciliation.  What is important is that like everything else you have learned about your MLCer and his crisis is that you put it all on the back burner to either simmer or boil dry. 

You will never ruin your chances because you have grown so much; you clearly have a good grip on things and living for you so whatever happens will always be controlled by you.

So in answer to your question - yes there has been evidence of some couple reconciling after a long gap;it's fewer than might be liked and bear in mind too there are many on here who no longer post  and who may be heading towards or reconnecting or reconciling - we just don't know.

Yes there are more divorces that never reconcile or even reconnect on here. 

However - what matters is that you are OK and living a fruitful life with family and friends.

 
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Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

 

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