Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Hhaving a hard time with this

G
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 41
  • Gender: Female
My Story Hhaving a hard time with this
OP: October 20, 2020, 07:07:14 AM
Hello all,
I cant say I'm glad to be here, but I am very thankful that this site exists. My husband and I have been together 10 years and just married march 2019. Enter his mother falling and breaking her back in June and we ran into a few legal problems in July in which we thought he might lose his job...stressful time.

I started to realize then that he was extremely stressed out, but couldnt understand why he was SO stressed out...it wasnt what I thought was the end of the world. His mother came to live with us June 2020. Needless to say that was a bad idea. Her and I  didnt get along living in the same house. Her and I had an argument August 5th and he moved her back to her house that day... and then that's when I REALLY noticed his behavior.

What I now know is bombdrop was August 18, 2020. He told me in a text that he had been unhappy for a while  and felt like his heart was dragged through the gutter and trying to hold it together for everyone else and now he is just holding it together for him. Of course I freaked out and try to reason and plead and beg and talk to him, but he had nothing to say to me. He went completely silent towards me.

After my son went over there one evening to talk to him he told my son that he wasn't leaving he was just trying to figure out how to talk to me about some things that were bothering him. Well 4 days later he sent me a text saying he didn't want to work things out and wanted to talk possessions and if he could get his things that he had before he moved in to our home. He left EVERYTHING at the house. Again I freaked out and the crying and begging through text commenced. He wouldn't answer me back at all.  My son texted him and told him he needed to at least tell me what was going on and why. So he texted me probably every nonsensical reason under the Sun of why. Some of his texts to me are textbook of what mlc'rs say.

There was no discussion, just him making statements to me. I finally wrote him a few letters through text Trying to explain those reasons away. Nothing in return.  After about 3 weeks after he left he sent me a text. It stated that I needed to understand that he was never going to live there again. And that he wanted to be able to come and get his things when he had time. He would let me collect the rent money to pay our mortgage and he would also pay the electricity bill and when he figured out what was going on with a tax return I could have that as well. But only if he could come get his things. 

I sent him another letter of course. Nothing. About 3 weeks after that he sent me a text saying he couldn't get into the electricity app because he didn't know the password I sent him a password and then that was it. I decided to send him a short text  I miss you and I love you. He sent me a text back saying that he never meant to be cruel to  Me. He just didn't know other than bluntly, to tell me what was/is his problem. That He is sad beyond words for the 1st time in his life and hes never had these feelings before , and he will just have to push through it somehow. He said he was purging his mom's house (shes a hoarder) And that I would be proud. I sent him a text saying that I understood it he had to work through things and that I hoped that we could start to work on our marriage soon. And that I was glad that he was purging his mom's house and I'm sure that I would be proud. Nothing.

That night I looked up depression and leaving your spouse I came across mid life crisis and that was the beginning of this journey. I realized that me sending him the begging and pleading and the  Relationship talks were doing damage, I stopped immediately.

I took 3 days to write him another letter through text. I told him that I was worried about  him being sad and that he was away from me and our home for over a month and he was still feeling the same feelings. I told him that I would be there for him in any way he needed me to be. There was more said but that's the gist of the letter.

No relationship talk.. No pressure… just me stating that I loved him and I hope that he would push through whatever it was he was going through. I didn't expect a reply, and I didn't get one. About 3 weeks later which was last Saturday(Hurricane Delta hit our area) I get a text stating,"I hope everyone/everything is ok over there. The renthouse has a tree down in the yard and I dont know how much of a pain that will be to me, mom fell again and other than that,life as usual.I tried the passwords and none work so please send me a screenshot of the bill".

I sent him a text back telling him there was no damage to house, a lot of debris and that I would be taking care of that as soon as I could.I did tell him that my dad was going into open heart surgery this week. He sent me the text,"ah $h!te, I hope hes ok. Glad to know theres no significant damage. Let me know how dad is doing"
He sent me a text on the day my dad was supposed to have surgery (Tuesday)  and said that he had been using the wrong email and that the bill was paid...I thanked him for that and told him I would let him know how my dad was when he had surgery.  He texted back that he was praying for him. Now its silence again.

I know that he doesnt have AW...however i believe his mother is definitely an "alienator". I guess I really dont know if I'm handling this the right way, and kind of confused on the type of contacter he is, or if it's too soon to tell. He has told NO ONE about his leaving as well.Help?
  • Logged
« Last Edit: October 20, 2020, 08:43:14 AM by Gypzziroze »

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4213
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Confused on is his type of contact
#1: October 20, 2020, 08:46:12 AM
Hello,

I am so sorry you are here, but due to your situation, you will find the advice here very helpful and let you understand that you are not alone during his crisis. I state his crisis because he is the only one that can work his way out of it. You cannot plead, talk, manipulate, or love him out of it. You can have a major influence on him by living and focusing your energy on you and your family.

I want to clarify some concerns- his mother. You and her had an argument that put him in a difficult situation-and it left him very conflicted. She seems to be a difficult person to deal with, but she is his mother. Also the fact that she is a hoarder (is this an extreme issue?) If it is, then her issues have had a profound impact on him as well.  At this time, I don't know if she can be the alienator unless she enables him to avoid. In most cases, the OW/OM allows the MLCer to escape. His or her presence creates a high for the MLCer to escape and avoid. If his mother is an alienator, how does she help him avoid the crisis.

From what you have mentioned and it is very early to classify anyone, he comes across as a wallower. He just wants to be left alone to deal with his life. His cleaning his mom's house out may be his own therapy at the moment. My advice is for you to let him do his thing, limit your contact and focus on your own healing from the trauma you have endured.

Keep posting. I suggest counseling and keeping a journal of the things you would like to express to him but can't at the moment.

(((((Hugs)))) and more (((((Hugs))))

Ready
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

  • *****
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 13153
  • Gender: Male
Re: Confused on is his type of contact
#2: October 20, 2020, 08:51:23 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
  • Logged

G
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 41
  • Gender: Female
Confused on is his type of contact
#3: October 20, 2020, 09:02:09 AM
Hi, thank you for replying. Yes, I understand that the situation with his mother put him in a rough position,  but he didnt even ask me what happened. He told me what happened, and didnt want to hear any of the actual content. When I tried to bring it up with him, he shut it down and wouldnt talk about it. I actually sent her an apology letter to which she replied accepting it and to take care of myself.
Her hoarding isnt extreme,  but a lot of safety issues. More crowded living I suppose and he is removing those issues. As far as me thinking of her as an alienator, she is of course going to take his "side" of justifying his leaving the way he did...etc. she is extremely happy to have him living there with her and not talking to me (I'm assuming the last statement). Her other 3 kids rarely talk to her. Thinking back he had tried to talk about spinning his wheels, but what we were talking about was the money that was just going out from our legal fees and bills going up from her moving in. That's what I assumed it was and it was just never talked about again...if I tried to ask him what was wrong, he would say he was tired....the only other answer I got was the wheels. I guess I am trying to figure out if he is a vanisher or distant contact...and how to communicate with him.a friend went to visit him last night and he said that he didnt mention me at all...actually sounded and looked like himself. I'm just confused and extremely sad
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4213
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Confused on is his type of contact
#4: October 20, 2020, 09:31:38 AM
Hello,

Thank you for the extra information. The fact the other children do not contact her speaks volumes. Yes, I know how sad you are and the fact that there really isn't a rational explanation. One of the reasons why I don't classify him as a vanisher is that he has made some contact with you and has made an effort to pay bills and make sure the mortgage is paid.

However, we are early in the game and I don't want to jump on any particular conclusion as to what type of MLCer he is until there has been a little bit more water underneath this bridge.

As OP stated, you need to detach from the situation. I often thought I was detached, but I really wasn't. I was bound to one outcome and that was the reconciliation of my marriage. When you are truly detached, you are open to any resolution including him not coming back. Because you are not clinging to only one outcome, you are able to focus and live for you and your family.

I would avoid jumping to conclusion that he looks "normal" from friends. We all wear masks. I know of many people that I thought I really knew only to find out how different they actually were in real life.

I hope this helps and I know how terrible things are for you at the moment. Just take the time to be good to yourself. Eat and get some rest. Find some comfort food or a nice hot bath.

((((Hugs)))) and more ((((Hugs))))

Ready
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

G
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 41
  • Gender: Female
Confused on is his type of contact
#5: October 20, 2020, 09:40:00 AM
Thank you for your reply  :)
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23402
  • Gender: Female
Re: Confused on is his type of contact
#6: October 20, 2020, 10:01:30 AM
Welcome Gypzz!

Ready gave you some very good advice.

Hugs
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

G
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 41
  • Gender: Female
Confused on is his type of contact
#7: October 20, 2020, 07:32:43 PM
Welcome Gypzz!

Ready gave you some very good advice.

Hugs
Thanks 😊
  • Logged

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6113
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Confused on is his type of contact
#8: October 21, 2020, 01:52:05 PM
Welcome GYpzz

Here for you as are many of us.

Keep posting - the more we learn about you and your MLCer the more we can give appropriate guidance and advice.
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

G
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 41
  • Gender: Female
Hhaving a hard time with this
#9: October 23, 2020, 02:13:24 PM
I know everyones story is different and one and the same. I never thought I'd be here writing anything much less even have had a reason to find this forum.
I am thankful for it though. I would probably be doing more harm than good in this situation if it weren't for people having been through this living hell.
Today,  like every other day has had it's ups and downs. 2 months and 5 days since BD and the last time I saw my husband. I'm getting better at not crying everyday, but today is one of those days. The tears wont stop,  no matter how much I try to shove them down. I'm not here for pity party. I just have to write and throw it out to the universe. I'm trying to understand all this.

 I read somewhere that even silence is a form of monstering. Has anyone else read that? Who here has had a distant contactor? How did they act and how the hell did you get through the silence? Did they ever come clean on what they were actually thinking the whole time?? I cant seem to find any posts, so reaching out. (I'm still looking)

I have to admit, today I had the thought to write him something...just to reach out to him in hopes of to touch something in him to talk to me. I fought against that idea,  and will not.

Just a few thoughts

  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.