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Author Topic: My Story Hhaving a hard time with this

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My Story Re: Hhaving a hard time with this
#20: October 26, 2020, 03:25:14 AM
A lot of this is pure MLC script. I'm going to translate for you.......

Today was an ok day...I saw that meme above early this morning and I guess it spoke to me more than I realized. Funny as hell,  yet sad in the same.
As much as I've read about this,  I'm 99% certain that is what is happening with him. But there is this little voice nagging at me... what if I did do something that made him leave... what if I would have put more effort into my appearance during covid... (he didn't mention that,  it's just my thoughts)... the what ifs are killing me. Yet there is this voice that is screaming at me hell no... you really arent the bad guy in this scenario.
Some of the things I heard from the BD text throughout...

August 18th - I've been unhappy for a while. I've been able to deal with the little things that make me unhappy, but lately everything is just dragging my heart through the gutter. I can't even explain how hurt I've been and it's just got worse. All I ever do is try to keep everything together for everyone else. And it doesn't work.ever. so now, I'm just trying to keep me together . I don't expect anybody to understand, but that's just the way it is and that's all I have to say at this point .
It's all about me. I've been a hero and you have never understood.  I've been hurt (when and how are the questions to ask here) I am such a victim of all the circumstances and I deserve your pity

*After my son talked to him at his mothers house and he told him he wasnt leaving me:*
August 20-We will talk once I figure out how I am going to say the things I want to say without causing more drama. Stop worrying about this. We will talk soon
I actually have no idea why I am doing what I am doing, I have no genuine justification but I feel unhappy and it has to be someone else doing this to me - so I won't explain because I actually have no idea what the heck I am doing. I am enjoying the drama by the way because it is feeding my need to escape and justifying it.

*I sent him an article on stonewalling,  and the next morning I woke to this text-*
August 24-That's a good article and I hope you read it too. But, I'm not interested in "working things out ". I just want to talk about belongings. I want to know if I will be able to get the things I owned before I moved to Milton.
This is your problem not mine.  On the surface it is a well written article but it doesn't apply to me. It's good though that you are seeing how you have behaved and caused me to do what I am doing

*My son texted him that evening telling him that he needed to at least explain why he was doing what he was doing....of course there is begging and pleading on my part...too much to put here for sure...*

August 24- It first started when we had that first big blowout while ric was visiting for a semester. I was going to leave then, but the boy's asked me to stay. So I stayed for the boys that time.
*(The first argument we ever had...January 2014...we've been together since october 2010)*
I know that all we have ever done is argue oh actually no we haven't but I do remember something and am going to blame why I feel the way I do on that - because telling you I've been feeling this for ages I am justified in picking reasons out of the air to justify why I am a victim

Right around the 3rd big blowout I got a storage and started moving little things to it, but then the flood came and I would have felt like a complete d!ck leaving then. So the flood was the reason I stayed the second time.
*(Werent arguing about anything that I can remember and I've racked my brain...so dont really know what that is about)*
So you see we have been arguing all the time.  I have done my best to stay and I have been acting sneakily but you see the flood came and forced me to stay here - I am such a victim.......

I hoped getting married would change things,  but I realized that it hasn't the night you insisted on risking your life driving the avalanche backwards home from the store while you were way too fuct to be driving . Just about caught the God dam truck on fire. It was almost that point that   I gave up trying to do nice $h!te for you, bc you totally pissed away the gobs of time and money I put into getting that firetrucking thing going.
*Long story about the truck incident, it's totally not how he portrayed it here...I'll tell that story if I have too. This incident was 1 month after we got married..April  2019.*
I would now like to rewrite history so that we should have never got married.  Oh BTW - I equate our marriage with the truck destruction.  I worked so hard making it so nice and pretty - I am such a victim and the crashing of the truck really hurt me so that's the reason I have to leave.

Next, I finally got a 4-Runner! I wanted one for a while. I had that $h!te set up too. firetrucking AC and everything.  But,,well firetruck that one too.That's when I gave up doing firetruck all.I don't know if you noticed that or not.
*NEVER expressed interest in a 1990 something 4runnner before...in fact this one was being given to us and he asked me if it was something I would drive, if i didn't want it we would tell his brother no.*

YOu see - you IGNORED me -  Pity me.  I had dreams too you know - I am such a victim

Yeah, I'm still God dam salty about that firetrucking $h!te.

I couldn't leave then, bc you were crippled from the firetrucking accident. What a d!ck I would have been right ?
Every time I have ever tried to complain to you, it gets minimized. It's futile arguing with you.
I know you want to blame my mom for all of this, but the way things wound up only compounded previous things and pushed me off the cliff. I can hear the contempt you have for her in your voice.
Yet again it's your fault that I couldn't leave.  Your accident made me stay.  I wanted to leave but everyone else would have hated me if I left and so I wanted to be seen as the good guy but that forced me to stay. You may have even done this deliberately because you knew how i was feeling and so planned to make me sta by having the accident - I am such a victim

This was the last thing he sent that evening. I sent him long letter texts...explaining away...trying to reason with him...etc..silence. until this next one...

August 28th- A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. That's true. It takes effort on both sides. I was barely breathing between working and trying to have any time off for the past however long it was.But living there got me to the point where I could never work enough for every little thing that comes up. I felt like I was under water. With no life raft. And I'm tired of being a debt slave. I don't want to die poor. And I can't have a comfortable life if I'm the only one always working. Yes, you've had jobs here and there, and when I tried to mention a full time  job I heard of for you, there was always a reason why you couldn't or wouldn't do it. I could have got you a few jobs,  bank teller job one time, but you didn't even want to inquire about it. Then got pissed off when I pushed the issue. I don't hate my job, but I don't love  working every day either, it's just a choice I made.
I hoped when we got married that you would start  doing something regular to enhance our income and livelihood. I get it that the avalanche was down from a botched repair. But you were never without a vehicle,  you could have chosen to go do something.   Especially since we both got in all that trouble. Then there was me mentioning something about spending your stimulus check on that pool and you got rather pissed about that. In short, it's clear to me that we have different ideas about how things should be.
Pity me _ I worked hard (probably did) but that money I earned was for me and not you.  I wanted to be rich and being married to you stopped that.  I was forced to spend my money on our marriage and even though you might have worked I was still the hero here. I am such a victim
*By the way...yes, I work, and I spent $120 on the pool...he forgets he wanted the pool up and running as well) then nothing...of course there was pleading with him to be reasonable etc...*

September 4- Ive thought long enough about this now and here is where I stand.I don't want to be mean or rude about any of this, but you need to understand that I'm not living there again. That's off the table. We need to be clear about what happens next. I would like to be able to get all my stuff from there, and I know it will take a while. So, I'm planning to start getting some things as soon as I have some time. I realize that you likely don't have much income or a regular job. I hope I'm wrong about that though. If you are agreeable about letting me get my things, I am willing to continue letting you collect monthly's from Thorn until January, which is when I will probably move back into my house. I will also pay your electric bill until then as well. And you can have my income tax return once I sort out whatever bull$h!te is going on with it. I want to be fair, but you need to be fair about it too because if I'm not allowed to go and get my things, then this offer is null and void. Please,  I just want to move forward with this as peacefully as possible.


*I asked him why he didn't want to be with me anymore and didnt I at least deserve an answer*
* Also, told him in a letter text that I had found a regular job...that one finally contacted me after my initial application in June *

I think I've given you enough reasons .

(I texted back "Because I didnt have a job since covid lockdown started and I wrecked the 4runner bc the balljoint failed?!")

If that's the only thing you got out of everything I've said, you need to read all that again.

I'm exhausted and run out of excuses now. I will be a good boy and rescuer by making sure you are covered financially but I want to run and run; I don't want to face what I have done so I think if I just run I can be justified in being a victim
*by this time I have his texts memorized*

Nothing will change, so it doesn't matter how much you wanna talk about things. I haven't been happy in a long time and it wouldn't be fair to me if it takes me being unhappy for you to be happy. I don't want to live that way.
Pity me - I am such a victim.......

(Wtf ing and pleading from me *sigh* I know. Not my best moments....)

That house is not mine, and whether you want to believe it or not,  it isn't yours either. If your parents were to both suddenly pass, the bank will liquidate that property to recover their unpaid mortgage.  I hate to say it, but there's nothing you could do about that. It's is on paper their property and not mine or yours. And aside from the irreconcilable differences between us, that house has always irked me in some ways.  The septic system that constantly backs up, the insane amount of energy it used because you insist on keeping it sub-arctic at 68 degrees. I just don't have the desire to be there anymore.

I could put up with some things that constantly got on my nerves before, but it got to be so much more than that. And you made it really clear that you didn't want to "kiss anybody's ass in your house ". I never asked you to cow tow to my mother but you could have shown her at least a little more respect than you did. I suppose you didn't count on my relationship with her to be as strong as it is. But that in itself was a deal-breaker and you can say all you want that you love her and you're sorry now , but it's too little too late. You were being completely honest when you had that melt down,so whatever you try to say now is ineffective
*his mother told him i cursed her out. ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE*

Don't call me,  I don't feel like talking right now

That's just 1 incident. There were other times that you could have been more civil toward her than you were.

I'm not trying to argue about this. And again , that's just 1 facet of my unhappiness,  you just asked why I left just bc you don't have a job and wrecked a car. That's just 2 things I brought up. There's more to it, but you just aren't hearing it.

You felt like everything was ok because you didn't perceive that I was miserable. I've felt alone in my struggle for a long time.   Add to that the constant fatigue of not getting enough sleep on a nightly basis. I knew when we got together that you are a night owl and I thought I could handle that kind of schedule, so I accommodated you. But it hurt me. I haven't slept as good as I have in the last 3 weeks in 10 years .and it's because I don't get woken up at 330.  I see that now because I got away from that situation.  And now it's time for me to accommodate me. That may sound selfish, but that's the truth.

Sorry - too much self pity to even bother explaining.... I am such a VICTIM

(Kept asking him if he loved me...if he did then we could work this out...would not tell me yes or no....but I got this.....)
I hate it when I hear " love can conquer anything "  I heard " I love you" every day in a previous relationship that ended in me almost having domestic violence on my record . You've said you live me every day too. But when you hear it and don't see true signs of it,  those words become ineffective by the day.
(No he isnt violent...another long story)
If I rewrite history - it will justify why I am doing what I am doing.

The text you sent me at midnight is a prime example of how much non-communication our relationship had endured. Just a few hours after my text about getting woke up every night , you decided to text me something you already said about 3 hours into my normal time of sleeping ,which for the last 10 years has been the same. Yet, here we are again with the same issue. So this leaves me feeling exactly the way I have felt every time I felt like I was talking to a wall. And I feel like the reason must be that you weren't listening or maybe you're indifferent to the things that inconvenience me. Either way, that's one more reason I feel the way I do. And that has nothing to do with my mother. So, you can harp on how much you didn't disrespect her all you want.  It's falling on deaf ears now.

(My phone sent him a text at midnight....one that I had actually sent at 10p.m. 🙄)
Nothing from him until September 23

I can pay Entergy Thursday if I need to.  Just need to know how much it is. I still can't get into the app bc apparently the password isn't what I thought it was

(I texted him the password, and decided to just tell him one line....I love and miss you.)

I never meant to be cruel towards you about anything. I just don't know how else to tell you, except bluntly,  what was/ is my problem.  I'm sad beyond words for the 1st time in my life, never had these feelings before. And I need to work through it somehow. Focusing alot of energy on moms place. I'm getting her house purged. You would be proud .

I sent him a quick reply on how I understood if he needed to work on some things, and that I hoped that we could work on this soon.
No reply.
I went home that evening and started looking up depression and leaving your spouse. I came across midlife crisis and it blew me away....I had almost everything checked off. Even other symptoms from reading articles (clinging to the bed almost falling off) ...the look in his eyes..etc..
I would have  put the context of my responses but I believe everyone reading this knows the content. I'm willing to answer any and all questions...
Does this sound like midlife crisis?

In short YES.  Full of justifications that change and move with the wind.  Note how his language is all about him - how he feels and how he needs and wants to be the hero.
I stopped translating because the message from him is still the same - He feels sorry for himself - he believes he is the victim who has been hard done by and he is the one who is entitled to live his life the way he wants
What is important for you to learn is the pursuit and distance dance, and to back off from sending any further texts or askign any questions.

When you ask an MLCer any question other than the time or day you will never get the answer you seek. It will be batted back to you in all shapes and form. It will never be an honest answer.

That said we are all 50 % responsible for what happens in our marriage but he is 100% responsible for his contribution to it and his subsequent actions - the way that you are too.

Bear in mind too that there is alway some element of truth in what they say. For example my H complained at BD that I saw him just as a handy man. For 24 years of our marriage before BD he would do all the DIY (willingly and because he didn't want to pay anyone else and he was pretty good at it too)  It mattered little to him that was on him and that I would often suggest bringing in other people to help but he refused.   
It was about 6 months after being with OW that he had the audacity to complain to me that she saw him as a handy man only.  I laughed out loud and told him that that was on him.  I knew then that, whilst I could see how he might have a modicum of truth - it was his desire to be hero that he needed to resolve and not for me to receive any blame. 
Now we have been in reconnection for nearly 3 years and he will still do things but if I now say I'm doing it (because I learned to do quite a bit) or I get someone in - he doesn't complain.  I told him I have no expectations of him helping out and if he chooses to do so - it's all on him and he can blame no-one. He gets it.

But this is nearly 8 years on from BD. 

MLC takes time and I recommend that you distance yourself as much as possible to give him the space he needs.  Go dark and don't initiate any conversation or ask questions unless they are really important or urgent.
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« Last Edit: October 27, 2020, 04:38:05 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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Hhaving a hard time with this
#21: October 26, 2020, 03:53:23 AM
Gypzziroze

I do have some comments to make. but very little time at the moment . I have included a link for you to read and decide if it could have some value for you right now. I will be back later

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Hhaving a hard time with this
#22: October 26, 2020, 04:13:02 AM
Song is, of course, quite right  :)
Lots of victim nonsense, sounds like a teenager, no taking of responsibility for his actions at all. Which of course is the pay off for victimhood......Very script  :)
And I hope you can see that it is a time to hold two opposing truths......that something is not true just bc your h says so AND that it is pointless (and potentially damaging) to try to persuade him to have a different truth. Let him find out for himself......or not.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Hhaving a hard time with this
#23: October 26, 2020, 06:36:59 AM
Gypzz I agree with everyone.

I read your post and was thinking, yes...yes..yes..he was checking all the boxes!
He seems like a classic case of MLC to me.  Pity party an all.  ::)

I would stop telling him you love him, it only irritates them.  He doesn't want to hear that when he's not coming back.  You already told him that and he knows you don't want a D.
I would also stop having relationship talks with him altogether.  They do no good and it only feels like pressure to them.  Maybe try to keep the conversations light and friendly.  It may help.

Sometime the best response it.."I'm sorry you feel that way."  No matter what he comes up with. 
It tells him you are listening and heard him, but you are neither agreeing nor disagreeing.

I have a question.  When he says he just wants the stuff he came into this with, what exactly is that?
No matter what he thinks is his, they are marital assets now (unless it's something major like a house).  Marital assets get divided equally.

Have you had any conversation with a lawyer?  Just so they can tell you what your rights are, or what to expect.  It's not a bad idea.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It's very hard, so be gentle with yourself.
You did nothing to cause this.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Hhaving a hard time with this
#24: October 26, 2020, 07:19:38 AM

It is very early days in your situation and you are in shock. Which means that you might not yet be able or ready to hear some of the perspectives here.

I do believe that I was in shock...still a bit actually. Knowing that his actions, verbiage and symptoms are the effect of something going on inside HIM, actually helps me wrap my head around the insanity of the situation. I am one that can handle hard truths if there is an air of facts surrounding it, so although I may not like what I may hear, I appreciate what I am being told. So believe me, I am open to fresh perspectives. 😊

Which is normal. We have all been there.
But in case it helps, I'm going to throw a couple of thoughts into the mix.
Yes, your words help. Did I mention already I admire your way with words? 😊

I'm going to invite you to consider that what your h says he thinks and feels is true.
For him.
I'm not saying it IS true or fair or reasonable. I'm not saying that he is telling you the whole truth either bc he almost certainly isn't. And I am not saying you are responsible for what he is blaming you for.....and he is certainly a pretty angry man right now. (Don't know if he was before?)

No, he has never been an angry person, and I do believe that is the reason why I was able to pinpoint his denial and anger stage. I didn't realize that I was walking on eggshells roughly December to BD, but thinking back on my own thought process and what I was doing,  I absolutely was. He had the most insane reaction to me wrecking a vehicle, that after a week of him treating me like garbage I told him that I didn't need someone blaming me and treating me as such,  that I needed my husband to show a little compassion and love for what could have been potentially the death of his wife. It was a bad wreck,  and mechanical failure was the issue. Something that the salvage yard guy even told him,  but he refused to believe it and still blamed me (even after his best friend told him the same 🙄)My parents noticed his behavior and didnt say anything to me until the night I had the panic attack. Other snaps were apparent as well during this time.


I AM saying that what he is saying feels true to him. And that, even in normal circumstances and these are not those lol, it is very frustrating and belittling to be told a hundred reasons why we should not feel or think what we feel or think. Most people react badly to that and become defensive so dig in more, don't they? So they get nastier and more aggressive, they double down.

Oooohhhh yes 😳

So every time you send a loving text or letter or a logical challenge? He will see it as an attack. And tbh he no longer cares what you think or feel, only what he does. (I am telling you this bc it took me well over a year to 'get' this....I did not have a Me or this forum to tell me this post BD  :) )

I gathered that in the first few texts he sent, when it was no longer "we cant have a better life"....it was "I" cant have a better life...etc"

Do not go to the well looking for answers or trying to tell him what you think. He doesn't care what you think right now. So, keep your thoughts and feelings away from him....share them here or with an IC or with good friends.

I've started journaling,  and find it helps a little, but my papers haven't bounced a different perspective...yet. My friends that know what's going on have been the best anyone could ask for,  and of course this site and forum have been extremely helpful 😊

It sounds as if - reading between the lines - finances might be an issue for you.

Yes, they are.  Pre-covid we were finally starting to do well,  then the universe decided to have her own version of BD.... since then I have landed a few jobs and perhaps a steady one when I get back to my state from working this job.

But for the moment, I would stop trying to persuade him of anything, stop initiating any contact other than about real emergencies or legal/financial things and focus solely on what you need to do to cope with how things are without any input from him......you can be civil, of course you can, but you need to draw back from the rollercoaster right now. Which practically speaking means accepting some painful current realities, probably having less interactions with him and putting some boundaries in place to take care of your own needs.

I actually stopped initiating contact after I sent him the "support" letter. I have responded to him when he did send text about the hurricane etc...and my response was just facts about the house and a statement that I hoped his mom would be doing better in the falling department.  No relationship talk, miss you talk, asking anything...etc. It's back to no contact from him again and although it's only been 2 weeks it feels like a lifetime.  I do want to add here, just for the sake of adage that the day after the hurricane hit,  I noticed that he was on facebook about every 30 minutes. I know he wasn't talking to anyone (I have his computer and therefore access to his facebook and google account) I hadn't put anything on my facebook about being ok or any damage that was incurred. The first hurricane hit about a week and a half after he Houdini'd, and i did post about how my situation was. He didn't text or call for the first one and I had this nagging feeling that he didn't because he already knew how I was from my posts. So this hurricane I answered no one.. didn't comment, like, share,  nothing. I watched his fb behavior and after about 5 or 6 hours of him popping on and off, he sent me a text with the statements. After about an hour passed I texted him back with my own statements.  I noticed after that, he didn't log onto facebook for about a week.
Sometimes it's the little wins.
By the way, I've been dark on facebook since BD. Just like he hasnt posted anything, I have not either.
Thank you again for your words 😊

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Re: Hhaving a hard time with this
#25: October 26, 2020, 08:06:16 AM


In short YES.  Full of justifications that change and move with the wind.  Note how his language is all about him - how he feels and how he needs and wants to be the hero.

Yes, that was the first thing that I noticed in his texts....everything was "I" ... "me"...etc. Not the usual speak of "our"..."we"...etc.

What is important for you to learn is the pursuit and distance dance, and to back off from sending any further texts or askign any questions.
You are absolutely right,  and I have backed off from sending texts and asking anything...especially since I read that it was more harm than good. Being counterintuitive is a lesson unto itself...


Bear in mind too that there is alway some element of truth in what they say.
Yes, I do understand that there is an element of truth in his words. And,  I'm not trying to make excuses, but finding a job in the middle of a pandemic was futile. Some of the things he mentioned,  we had talked about,  and even the job he mentioned I didn't qualify for! Because I did inquire about it. I cant make a degree in business finance appear from thin air, jeese ... basically what he told me his reasons were, was things that were resolved as far as I knew and he made me believe. They really werent big issues...We were having extreme financial issues,  that's true,  but the way he portrays it it sounds as if I was sitting on my ass on the couch and eating bonbons while watching him be a slave.

MLC takes time and I recommend that you distance yourself as much as possible to give him the space he needs.  Go dark and don't initiate any conversation or ask questions unless they are really important or urgent.

Thank you for your words.  I'm doing my best to do so.  It's truly hard as I'm sure everyone here knows so well... but I'll push through it best I can 😊
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« Last Edit: October 26, 2020, 09:22:45 AM by Gypzziroze »

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Hhaving a hard time with this
#26: October 26, 2020, 08:08:45 AM
Gypzziroze

I do have some comments to make. but very little time at the moment . I have included a link for you to read and decide if it could have some value for you right now. I will be back later

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

Thank you for the link. After reading it I realized that I have read it before... but it reiterated everything I need to hear again. But please,  continue when you have a chance 😊
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Hhaving a hard time with this
#27: October 26, 2020, 08:16:53 AM
Song is, of course, quite right  :)
Lots of victim nonsense, sounds like a teenager, no taking of responsibility for his actions at all. Which of course is the pay off for victimhood......Very script  :)
And I hope you can see that it is a time to hold two opposing truths......that something is not true just bc your h says so AND that it is pointless (and potentially damaging) to try to persuade him to have a different truth. Let him find out for himself......or not.
Absolutely...its taking me a moment to realize that what he says isn't true, 90% of it anyway. There are little truths,  but blown WAY out of proportion. I read somewhere to stop defending yourself when you know something to be other than what they are saying.  I know what our marriage was like...and it was never short on love. The statement he made about him not seeing signs of it was absolutely ridiculous in my eyes...we were first loves at 15, in high school, and finally reconnected 10 years ago. Lived together since that day, basically. He knows I have loved him my whole life...and I mean KNOWS...so I wanted to shake him when I read that 🤬
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Re: Hhaving a hard time with this
#28: October 26, 2020, 08:58:35 AM
Gypzzi, my response might be a little different from the others. I don’t think it will be much “wrong” but just another angle or perspective, as we all encounter these life events a little differently.

I agree with others in that reading your h’s words brought back a lot of stuff for me too. What I want to say here is that it brought up the stuff that was almost or seemed like, in retrospect, the preface to the harder stuff that came later. So I want to assure you that it does get pretty weird and it’s important for you to consider your own feelings and needs and self-care first, now and early. I agree with others too that right now it’s so fresh and you are in a time of emotional shock. Gird up with journaling here and offline, time with your best and safe people, and engage a therapist if needed or wanted, to help you through this grief. See it for what it is: a big unwanted loss, a sharp change in your emotional environment and rhythms. Your loved and trusted person has unaccountably changed and the shifted dynamics — both of the relationship and of your own thinking/feeling inner processes — will take some time to sort out, process, get accustomed to.

I’m sorry that there is never really a quick fix. You can quicken your own adaptation or resiliency, though, if you will just unhook your inherent or routine expressions to him and turn all care to you yourself, to your kids, to your home and finances, and to the future of any dreams or goals you may have had before or independently of him. Go for your own known comforts and know that as much and as deeply as we all have loved our spouses, the spouse was only ever one component of love, comforts, or enjoyments. Really we have what we need whether the spouse is near or true or staying or not.

It is not a fun time. The not fun can last a LONG time. Build in now, for your own individual comforts and care. He’s drawn a line, like they all do, and built a wall, like they all do, and it makes it none of our business to be picking at and drawing out the stones or bricks or sending doves of peace with olive branches over those walls.

Our doves are not wanted, Gypzzi. Keep the birds of your heart safely.

I measured my love messages to my h, finally, and only ever sent them again when I knew I could be ok if they were shot down, gored, or just lost. There were a few periods over the years where I knew I could send a whole flock all at once and that he would shamefully ignore them, but they’d still be there if he chose or needed to look. It’s a fine line but/and there may come a time when you know you are sending only unconditional love and don’t need any response at all.

What I want you to know from my perspective of only 1, is that I ventured the best of messages to him periodically — and I know he has appreciated them on the other side of his high wall — but he still has been gone 3.5 years with another woman, and despite occasional short bursts of unexpected contact from him, our situation shows no signs of resolving.

So the other important message here is that you are well to find a level of acceptance, as quickly as you can. He’s drawn a line and built a wall. MLC or not, sometimes decisions are made that take a great deal of time and solitary thought to unmake again. It’s his decision, and we have to concede that no matter what the agreements used to be, they are out the window for now, and :/ that’s his right. None of us like it, but it’s the other’s right to live as they will, as long as they do. Just as it is ours.

The strange part for me, reading your h, is that he writes at length and does seem self-aware at least in that he can express how he feels and (if also disputably and rewriting or embellishing history a bit or a lot) can tell you why or when he feels that started. My own h doesn’t do that; he stays very superficial in his thinking, memory, and language. My h’s written language has all but disappeared, to the point that I have thought many times that he must have had a hidden stroke or series of undiagnosed brain events; it’s like he can’t utilize that brain function anymore. So even if others are saying it’s script or MLC, I saw it as a gift last night to read how thorough and not exactly monstering your h has been. He’s blaming you for a lot, and some of it does look oversimplified or petty to me, but it does sound like he’s making an effort to tell himself and his concerns or sadness to you.

He’s still sharing his feelings with you, I mean. And I don’t know if it’s ultimately going to be of help or healthful to have that dialogue. I do recognize it as willingness, and as a former would-be marital counselor, at this read I would not say this isn’t reconcilable; he’s willing to say his present perceptions or truth.

If it hurts or confounds you, though, it’s REALLY WORTHWHILE AND VALUABLE for you to establish a boundary for your own self-care and healing, right away. You love him so much and it shows; you do have to love yourself now foremost, though, in order to get through whatever this is.

The stuff about money and working, he doesn’t seem cognizant of your own efforts or facts or needs. Rather than argue or justify or self-defend, maybe just observe that in him to yourself and make sure that *you* know the value of every good you have made or done.

The stuff about his mother, I am so sorry but my own experience made me scoff a bit and call that a pure mama’s boy. Whatever and whyever that has come up for you both, and I freely admit I am kind of a sh!tty daughter-in-law — I believe in spousal sovereignty before loyalty to one’s parents — that is either a scenario where you were crass somehow to a woman who was giving you familial love, familiarity, and respect, or else it was/is at most extreme a situation where the son and mother were still exhibiting a dynamic that should have naturally shifted in his adolescence or young adulthood, and definitely once he had chosen and married a wife.

I got on beautifully and sincerely with h’s parents, but they were really old when I met them and they had been through six decades of their own marriage and several decades of the marriages of three of their four adult children. They knew what influence they had in our lives and historically on him and they really endeavored to give us room and also much very experienced loving support.

Before that and in a previous marriage, even sincerely and with the very best of intention and loving, with other men’s parents (and so, with those men), I could do absolutely nothing right. EVER.

So if you have any history of being a scapegoat, a black sheep, or other cast out, right now is a good time to turn focus GENTLY *and privately*, away from communicating with him or thinking about why is he like this or why or what did he mesh when he said that, and toward the truths of your own inner and wider experience.

I say this because his side of the story isn’t the one that defines you or your history or who you will be in the future. On some level or even only fractionally, his side of the story will confound you and hang you up. You need to keep living Yourself forward, even in tears and tired and aggrieved. It isn’t even going to be a matter of strength sometimes as much as it will just be necessity. It’s a challenge but we here all know you can do it, and that some days, you can even sing and soar as you do.

I am so sorry you are subjected to this new strange unpleasantness. I know it isn’t fun or ok, and that it hurts. But he’s not the first to fall out of character, and sadly will not be the last. Midlife passages are confusing and hard, but many of life’s passages are.

You are not alone. If journaling here or on paper or in words doesn’t quite feel like enough, explore adding a visual component: collage, drawing, photography, etcetera. Sometimes a picture is worth more than a thousand words, to the brain that is trying so hard to process all of this. Getting the images and symbolic together in a way where we can see them at once, can relieve some of the confusion or ache of the mentalization or tough stuff of verbalizing.

I’m rooting for you. I started writing here a lot so that I wouldn’t send my doves over his wall. It’s safe ground here, and full of wise nurturing and good care. Sending loves to you.
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Re: Having a hard time with this
#29: October 26, 2020, 09:16:51 AM

I would stop telling him you love him, it only irritates them.  He doesn't want to hear that when he's not coming back.  You already told him that and he knows you don't want a D.
I would also stop having relationship talks with him altogether.  They do no good and it only feels like pressure to them.  Maybe try to keep the conversations light and friendly.  It may help.

I'm beginning to get the gist of this.  At the time I couldn't understand why he was just so angry towards me when all I kept doing was telling him that I loved him and didn't understand wtf just happened...makes this nonsense sound ...sensible? Lack of better wording lol. After a point I realized in my confusion that Iwas just a broken record,  and ceased that immediately. When he did text,  I wasn't rude or enter whatever phrase here,  I was just factual and offered sympathy for his mother (even tho I'm extremely pissed at what she said...and now thinking about it,  I'm not even sure she said that. She could have very well told him that I was cursing the sewage pump out (which I was tbh).... nothing was directed at her.... although the situation called for it,  I still had that respect for her.  Ugh)

Sometime the best response it.."I'm sorry you feel that way."  No matter what he comes up with. 
It tells him you are listening and heard him, but you are neither agreeing nor disagreeing.
I need to ingrain this in my head in the event that he does contact me again and wants to argue or validate his reasoning,  thank you!

I have a question.  When he says he just wants the stuff he came into this with, what exactly is that?
No matter what he thinks is his, they are marital assets now (unless it's something major like a house).  Marital assets get divided equally.

Every thing he is talking about is exactly that. The stuff he moved in with. He left EVERYTHING here...clothes, musical equipment, a P.O.S. car that he was working on preflood 2016, since then he hadnt touched it...tools ...name it. When he said that,  I had the nagging feeling that he was trying to erase the last 10 years if our life together...impossible buddy.

Have you had any conversation with a lawyer?  Just so they can tell you what your rights are, or what to expect.  It's not a bad idea.
No, I haven't. If he wants a divorce,  he will have to be the one to dismantle our marriage.  I have lawyer friends if I need council,  but at this time I'm adopting a wait and see attitude. He cant file for at least 6 months...

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It's very hard, so be gentle with yourself.
You did nothing to cause this.
Thank you,  it is hard and I go back and forth with everything,  but ive strapped my big girl panties on and just focusing on getting the house repaired, etc..😊

Hugs
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