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Author Topic: My Story Hhaving a hard time with this

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My Story Hhaving a hard time with this
#40: October 29, 2020, 08:41:20 AM
Gypzziroze ...  Its a hard road you are on right now .  Just exhausting and so painful . Many here know exactly how you feel...many are doing the exact same thing. I cannot say that I totally understand because it just was not my experience , simply the difference in people I suppose. I did not want to see my husband , I did not want to talk to him, reach out to him ...nothing. I never wanted to lay eyes on him . If he was around , I left or hid out in the basement . I finally told him NOT to come any where near me or the house ..period.  If he texted me , I literally physically shook and never answered him. If he emailed me at work, I made a co-worker read it and tell me what he said. I couldn't do it.  I was so traumatized , so shocked...I stayed far far away from him and I had no longing to contact him.  If I had to see him ( daughters university graduation) and her dinner , I stayed completely away from him . I feel sick even remembering that time period.  I never EVER would have contacted him....not even if there was a death.  I just could not . I am sorry...such a painful paralyzing thing is this MLC.  Keep going ...you are strong no matter how it feels ...you CAN do it.  Others will be along that can relate exactly to what you are experiencing
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Hhaving a hard time with this
#41: October 29, 2020, 08:41:53 AM
Following along Gypzziroze.

Sorry you're going through this and having a hard time. Anybody would, so don't get down on yourself.

I can see you're getting some good advice here. I won't add anything other than to encourage you to get out of your head a little if you can. Do you have any exercise or fitness activities? Hiking, biking, running, kickboxing, etc... If not, this would be a good time to start. It helps your overall mood as well as with sleep. Also, drink plenty of water and get as much sleep as you can. Be good to yourself.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Hhaving a hard time with this
#42: October 29, 2020, 08:44:10 AM
Even many years later, intellectually I understand MLC. I accept that he is gone. My heart though still doesn't think the way my head does.

Quote
I will probably never understand why he didnt just talk to me about these feelings he was having.

In most situations in life, good or bad, we work at trying to find a solution. Their leaving the way they do and absolute refusal to talk to us about it goes against the way that we live in other situations..and this from the person that we trusted the most in our lives.

It causes "damage" to us, many people here have been diagnosed with PTSD, when that was first suggested to me, I didn't think it could apply...PTSD was for military vets or people who had been raped or assaulted....yet, our worlds were shattered, blown apart without warning in most cases.

We go into a state of fight/flight/freeze and sometimes we remain in that state much longer than is healthy for us. Trying to get out of that cycle can be very hard...it becomes part of who we are.

The anniversary dates, seeing other "happy" couples, the struggles that this hits us with is very very hard to get a handle on.

But, little by little, we let go of what was...it takes much longer than I would ever have thought and for some of us it takes much longer than others.

I know that when we are not in "touch" we think they will forget us. Contacting with any kind of questions regarding what happened or what will happen  is not suggested. If you feel the need to contact, this is what I found helpful.

I contact him on his birthday and other special days. Sometimes I send him something funny that I know he will like. He does the same. He contacts me on certain occasions. When he does, I respond to him.

I used to hate when I would be told here "no expectations"...but that is 100% true. Whatever you decide to do regarding contact, don't expect any response back or a response that you would like.

Some people find absolutely no contact is easier for them. Some situations are so abusive that contact would be dangerous. It's very individual.

Some of the need to contact is actually anxiety. What can you do to decrease your anxiety? I exercised, did yoga, spoke to friends and sometimes took medication to break the cycle when I would get into a place that I couldn't stand (for me it would show up in my hands literally shaking).

You will find what works for you. This is not easy.

Keep writing.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

G
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Re: Hhaving a hard time with this
#43: October 29, 2020, 05:07:40 PM

I hope you feel better soon, Gypzz.  None of this is easy, but you are not alone.

{{Big Hug}}

Thank you 🤗
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G
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Hhaving a hard time with this
#44: October 29, 2020, 05:16:29 PM
such a painful paralyzing thing is this MLC.

Paralyzing...yes, absolutely. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him and be angry at him. I cannot, though. My heart is with him, and I know I am the only one he has told about him feeling the way he does. How can I be angry at someone who is lost and depressed? Dont get me wrong...I am angry to a degree about him not discussing with me his feelings before he Houdini'd(which I believe if every mlc'r would have done in the beginning none of us would be in this $h!testorm.) I am angry he left and blames me for everything...and I'm angry at the WAY he left...but, for the most part, I still want to help him because of my love for him.  I know...I know...
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G
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Hhaving a hard time with this
#45: October 29, 2020, 05:21:50 PM

Do you have any exercise or fitness activities? Hiking, biking, running, kickboxing, etc...

No, I dont. Everything I am interested in doing cost money I do not have at the moment. I was getting into yoga before he BD'd...been trying to talk myself into doing it again. Mainly trying to focus on getting the house repaired and little things that go with it 🤷🏻‍♀️
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G
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Hhaving a hard time with this
#46: October 29, 2020, 05:34:55 PM
Even many years later, intellectually I understand MLC.
Intellectually speaking,  this is the one thing I'm holding on to. I'm thankful it wasn't a brain tumor or stroke.
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Re: Hhaving a hard time with this
#47: October 30, 2020, 03:52:11 AM
Hi Gypzziroze

I was catching up on your story and I see so much of myself in you.. The feelings, the urge to contact him, the love I felt despite it all and the fact that I couldn't get mad at him because "he wasn't himself, he was suffering, etc etc"   At that time, I just couldn't think any differently, not matter what everyone told me, I could not get out of that mindset... and the reality is that you probably won't be able to get out of that mindset either until you are ready. But as many of the people here have already told you, you need to focus on you and plan your life without any reliance on him because unfortunately, he's most likely going to be gone for a long a time..

Analysing what he says, what he does... Trying to figure out where he is in his journey or being the "perfect LBS" is what most of us do at the beginning.. Now looking back, I think it prolonged my agony and the feeling that I had some control over the situation.. The good news is that it won't feel like this forever. Life will eventually take its course, you will discover that not only you can live without him but you can also thrive. I think this experience changes us, the damage it causes is nothing to laugh at but this forum is full of LBSs who were able to discover themselves again, who have achieved wonderful things, who chose to make the most of this unplanned change in our lives. You can do that too, even if that seems impossible right now. Things will work out, it will take time so you need to be patient with yourself but you will be OK.

As for contact, I agree it's not a good idea. I don't believe it changes anything in relation to his MLC but it protects you from more damage. Right now he thinks you are the reason why he feels the way he feels. That's what his twisted brain is telling him, you are the enemy. It's a concept that I still struggle to understand 3 years on but I have accepted it so I truly let him go to live his life in the way he chose. Time will tell if he made the right or the wrong choice, it doesn't really matter to me anymore.... and I never thought I would say that.

Hugs!
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

G
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Re: Hhaving a hard time with this
#48: October 30, 2020, 06:21:01 AM
At that time, I just couldn't think any differently, not matter what everyone told me, I could not get out of that mindset...

Thank you...
I know that I shouldnt analyze what he said the reasons were...but I cant help it honestly. All I do is analyze things when there is a problem with anything. Aahhhh...the mind of a Gemini 🙄😫
I understanding isn't getting me anywhere psychologically,  so I'm doing my best to let it go,  let God handle it.  What recourse do I have, really?
EVERYONE here has been extremely helpful and I am grateful that I found this forum and website. 💞
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Hhaving a hard time with this
#49: October 30, 2020, 07:57:39 AM
Hi Gypzz,
some of the Veterans tell me i over Think/Analyze too.  I realized they are so right!  Well pretty much the advice they give has been spot on for me.  The thing is reading what they suggest and then putting into play does not happen overnight.  I found out that not truly detaching hurts me more than just releasing my wife responsibilities.  H fired me at Bd 5/19 and what i do he does not care about. I don't want to be hurt by his actions that i cannot control and i don't want him tell me what to do.  Right now i don't have respect for my H and i certainly do not admire him.  Those are two key components that will hold my attention.  So for now i just have put what it was in my back pocket and i go off and figure out how to get it done on my own.  It will get easier and using the advice from the Veterans will be extremely helpful at the right time when u need it.

((Hugs))
5hil
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