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Author Topic: My Story Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July

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My Story Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July
OP: October 27, 2020, 05:54:51 AM
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. When I met her, she had two sons from two previous relationships. Their ages were 1 and 3. She was an amazing woman, full of love and life. We married pretty quickly. Met in August of '06 and married in Jan '07. Of course, the first few years were very rough. We had many ups and downs. She suffers from anxiety and depression and this would cause her to try to leave me on many occasions. I am active duty military and this made it hard on her when I would have to leave for a couple weeks for a temporary deployment (TDY).

In 2009, she had gone over to one of our friends houses to hang out while I said I would watch the kids. She was close friends with the wife of a guy I supervised. We were friends before, but once I became his supervisor, I couldn't hang out with him really. She came home around 7am and immediately told me she had messed up and kissed the husband. They had gone for cigarettes together and then began talking about their marriages. She fell for it and kissed him. She said nothing more happened and immediately felt bad. This began to really cause a emotional darkside of me to form but I tried to keep it in check. A few weeks later, we got pregnant with our first child together. Throughout the pregnancy, she was tuned on quite often. I had issues doing anything while she was pregnant. It messed with me mentally. This would cause more of a rift between us to the point that she took the kids and left a month before she was due. She moved back in with her parents and stayed a few months. I was there for the birth and even cried. It was a tough time, but we resolved and got back together. I got orders to Las Vegas after and things were about to get worse.

When we were there, I had gotten very depressed. I was not a fan of the area and being away from all our family. We got pregnant with our 2nd together and 4th overall. During the pregnancy, the same issues of intimacy came out. Over the summer, just before our second daughter was to be born, her parents came out in an RV and picked her and the kids up to bring them back to VA for the summer. It wasn't because of issues between us but for the kids to get away for the summer. Over the course of the summer, I began to get more and more depressed. I began drinking and couldn't deal with it anymore. I didn't think she was coming back. In a drunken stupor, I began talking to another woman online who was also married. It was never sexual and we never talked about getting together. It wasn't like that. It was someone to vent to that had no impact on my life and it was the same way to her. Her husband was insane and thought the government was out to get him. My wife came home with the kids and our second daughter was born. It was still a rough time for us and I was feeling more and more depressed. I decided, I would take my own life. I didn't want to do this at home. I wanted to drive somewhere. I wanted to have a relaxing drive through the mountains and open roads before I leave this earth. I chose to go about 2 hours from where the girl lived that I was talking to states away. I said I would go out there and meet her. I figured that would be a nice thing to meet the person I had been speaking with for a couple months. I made up a story to go there and left for a few days. When I got there, I met her at a fast food place and gave her a hug. I immediately felt guilty and told her I had to go. At the hotel, I was ashamed at myself for everything. I spoke to my wife for hours on the phone. I didnt want my life to end. I left early and came back home. I stopped all communication with the woman after that. I didn't tell my wife about her, because I didnt want her to leave me over something that wasn't an affair. A couple months later, she found out anyway. The woman's husband had found my wife on Facebook and messaged her about my trip and that I was meeting his wife. It was an extremely difficult time after that. She never believed that I didnt sleep with that woman. No matter how many times I explained it.

About 9 months after that, I had orders for Korea for one year alone. It was horrible. I was even more depressed and now dealing with a wife back home that doesn't trust me. We worked through and got orders back to the east coast. We've been here for 6 years now and had some ups and downs, but nothing earth shattering until recently. She has horrible headaches and nausea often. Last year, she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It has sent her into a deeper depression along with other issues we have had with our kids.

My wife has always been a beautiful woman but never really had confidence. She also has an amazing voice and can play guitar a little. So I kept encouraging her to get back into for a hobby to relax. In June, she had been distant and apologized saying "I think I'm having a midlife crisis." During this time, she began singing and putting a couple videos up on Instagram. She also began dressing sexier and taking pictures to post on IG as well. She said she wanted to get noticed. Her distance grew more and more with me. Then on July 23rd, came the BD. She went off about not wanting to be with me anymore. She didn't want this marriage anymore. She said its killing her. She went on about all the things in our marriage, highlighting the problems we had and the girl I talked to. After that night, she treated me like I didnt exist. Barely speaking to me, talking to me like I was the devil.

About this time, I found she had a male friend who lives in Greece. She met him on Instagram. She said he was a friend, I had nothing to worry about. Over a couple weeks, she was always texting on her phone. I would see her smiling randomly as she would look at her phone. She started telling me she needed space. Our youngest daughters birthday was coming and her parents came down to visit. Two days before the birthday, my wife and I went to buy supplies. It felt like a good day. That night, she had a headache and went to lay down. She has done this in past, way before this so it wasn't odd to me. About 1 am, I asked how she was and she said much better, about to come back downstairs. I went up to brush my teeth and she asked me to help her finish off the headache. Now, as a man, this was something I always used to tease. Using sex to help, but she never went for it, until now. I was happy to oblige. The next day, we did the party and she had another headache. She had been acting weird again and my mind was all over the place. I attempted to hack her IG and actually got in. My heart dropped. The night before, she has sexted with that guy from Greece. Something she had never really done with me in 14 years. I confronted her immediately and she blew up about me hacking her IG and that she had said she was already done with the marriage. She slept with me out of a guilty conscience. We went back and forth for a few hours and fell asleep together. She had talked to her therapist about it and said she was weening off talking to him now. Her and I were still distant and she still wanted space from me. A couple weeks after that happened, she was in bed upstairs with another headache. I brought her a cold pack and made dinner for the kids. She finally woke up and asked for some food. She then said she wanted to take a long shower to help with her head. I brushed the kids teeth and put them to bed. I came back into the bedroom to get some eye drops and heard her laugh through the bathroom door. Then she said "Thats not fair, you can see me but I can't see you." I opened the bathroom door and she was naked in the shower with her phone in her hand. She was getting ready to give that same guy a show. Again, the same arguments ensued and I told her I didn't want this to end. A couple days later, I sent her to her parents for two weeks. I said it's either him or me. Many times, she went off on me over those two weeks about giving her an ultimatum. She told me she was in love with this guy but didn't know why. She took more pictures for IG while she was there. Wearing knee high socks and suggestive clothing. Nothing revealing, but leaving a lot to the imagination. She bought thongs and started wearing them. She had originally stopped wearing them in her 20s saying they weren't comfortable.

When she got home, I never asked her if she was still talking to him. We started marriage counseling and have been to three sessions. She has warmed up a little to me and has been talking to me normally but she still doesn't know what she wants to do. She said she lost her 20s being a mother and wife and is putting herself first now. She said a couple times, she wants to connect with other people. She even said she wants to sleep with other guys. We have slept together a few times in the last two months but she always reminds me that it doesn't change anything. She still posts pictures on IG and plays music but doesn't really physically interact with me. She slowed down on telling me she loves me. She said she doesn't even love herself right now. She keeps calling herself an @$$hole. This past weekend, she found out a friend of hers that lives down the road from her parents had committed suicide a week ago. It sent her into a deeper depression. She vented to me via text that she feels empty. That she is scared because she was able to bond with someone outside of the marriage so easily and quickly. She said she doesn't talk to him but wants to. She said she doesn't want to be on this earth anymore. She doesn't want to hurt people that depend on her. She feels worthless.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We ended up sleeping together again this morning before I left for work, but she starting giving me short answers via text again when I was talking to her. I just don't know what is going to happen.

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Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July
#1: October 27, 2020, 06:56:54 AM
Hello CastleofGlass, welcome to Heros Spouse.

There is no way to determine if someone is having a "mid life crisis"...it's mainly anecdotal and everyone's situation, although similar is also vastly different. I don't think that MLC is a marriage issue but one of an internal journey to heal. Reading your post, it sounds like you have had difficulties in your marriage from the start as well as depression and infidelity from both of you.

What is happening now to your family and what you are going to do moving forward is where your energy can be, to heal, to build a good place for you and your children.

Our children are affected by their parent's lives. Things that occur in children's lives will impact them later in life. MLC is very often related to issues in their childhood.

You cannot fix your wife and I have learned, after many years, I cannot make someone love me or want me although I never give up hope that one day we can heal this brokeness between us.

For all LBSers, the most important thing is to find ourselves, to find peace and joy in life, not having to rely on anyone else to make us "happy". That is our work to do. I was married at 22 for 32 years. Marriage and family was my life and the only life I had ever wanted. So this is not easy work and as you read other's stories, you will see how difficult each of our lives become, but you will also see the strength in the LBSer and their children as they make a decision not to allow another person to define their lives.

We have a saying on HS "live as though they are never coming back". That means different things to each of us. I believe in the permanency of marriage and so for me, that means that I will remain alone, without a partner. Others will go on to find new relationships, several members have remarried. The bottom line is that we do what is the right thing for each of us.

I do advise that you find yourself. Deal with the issues that caused your depression and suicidal thoughts, deal with the grief you have concerning your wife's rejection and betrayal.

This is not a short journey for the LBSer and it is very painful.

Step back from her. Don't go looking at her IG....knowing what she is doing (which is human nature to want to know) will cause you more pain...give her space...protect your finances!!! Take care of your children. Take care of yourself.
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« Last Edit: October 27, 2020, 06:58:44 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July
#2: October 27, 2020, 07:36:37 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Re: Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July
#3: October 27, 2020, 09:01:34 AM
There is a lot you can do to address the depression. They now know that there are blood markers for depression. There are highly effective treatments- google ketamine and depression.

Going gluten free in regards to fibromyalgia resolves the pain within 3 months. It´s hard at first to make the change, but if one goes 100% GF, it works.

Check out Allie Brosh´s website and book on depression- she created a blog with gut wrenching honesty with humor about her depression. You have to address the depression and then you can address the relationship.

While you cannot force her to address her depression and fibro, you can address your own depression.
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Re: Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July
#4: October 27, 2020, 08:05:55 PM
Thank you all for the replies so far. I need to stop torturing myself with looking at her Instagram. The other thing I find myself doing is looking at her Pinterest. She constantly pins quotes about not being loved passionately or needing to be free. She doesn't know I see them. I keep thinking it is a way to get insight into her thinking but even my therapist agreed today, that it's completely false thinking. She feels connected to a person in another country and is villanizing me as someone who just can't love her deep enough. She told me tonight that she talks to him occasionally but nothing would happen. She will never get on a plane and fly there. I can believe this, she can't fly an hour without having a panic attack. So unless a guy from Greece decides to fly here to meet my wife of 5 kids in person for a passionate love affair, she isn't wrong in saying I shouldn't be that worried. It's about the emotional affair that upsets me. I said that he gets the part of her I want; connecting. She then said no one gets any part of her, not even her right now. She went on to say she wants to just live alone for a while but there is no way she can do that.
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Re: Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July
#5: October 28, 2020, 04:05:54 AM
After I posted last night, I went to lay down for bed. About an hour and a half later, my wife had woken up and texted me from downstairs to see if I was awake, which I was. She ended up coming upstairs and laid with me and grabbed my hand, then turned so I could spoon with her. She grabbed my hand while doing this. It was interesting as I wasnt expecting it at all. My wife and I sleep separately for the most part of the last 6 years. Not due to marriage problems at first. It had to do with her needing noise to sleep while I prefer none. I convinced her a month and a half ago to start sleeping in the bed with me, but two and a half weeks ago, she went back to the couch. So for her to just come up last night was a surprise.
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Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July
#6: October 28, 2020, 07:15:55 AM
Welcome to the club - sad to see you here.   Its actually more like an amusement park really, as you are going to be on quite the rollercoaster from here on out

Firstly, recognize that she is in fantasy land.   Remember as teenagers what it was like to have crushes?  We'd imagine calling them by a pet name, doodle their name with hearts, maybe even practice our signature with their last name (or was that just me? LOL).   MLC is a reversion of their adult state, back to a time in their childhood/teenage years.   So she's going to fantasize about being with this man, she's going to be all giddy like a teenager.   

The first thing you need to start practicing is, NOT watching her and analyzing her moves, thoughts, words.   After the devastation that is bestowed upon us on BD, we begin to pick ourselves back up.   We are adults, we use logic.   The challenge with these MLC'ers is that they behave in such a way that makes no sense to us!  And its because we think with logic, they think like a kid.   You have children so you know you cannot sit them down and discuss the state of the country and expect a debate.   They haven't developed their brain fully and would not be able to engage in any sort of logical discussion. 

This is what the MLC'er does - this is why you dont talk about the R with them, dont reason with them, dont try to talk them into or out of things.

Unfortunately, this is a journey your W is going to be on for a few years.   Any return before that, risks another BD at a later time as she's not addressed the traumas from her youth that have taken her back there.  You need to start focusing on yourself, making yourself happy, finding yourself again and not trying to figure your W out.

She doesn't know who she is right now, so she certainly won't be able to explain it to you either.

Theres a saying we have here - "believe nothing they say and only half of what they do". 
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Re: Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July
#7: October 28, 2020, 11:16:09 PM
One of the biggest issues is my sexual frustration during this. My sex drive went up this year, even before her MLC, but now with her wearing sexier clothing and thongs and doing makeup everyday, it's worse. It pisses me off some trash dude in another country gets her attention. Even if its on the internet and not in person. I know a lot of folks on here deal with much worse. It's just a complete joke of a year for me.
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Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July
#8: October 29, 2020, 12:33:10 PM
Hi COG,

Ahhhhhh, I know this story well. Mine is/was very similar to what you're describing.

1st off, she's in the house. You have an advantage, a big one.... but it's NOT easy. It will be harder. You can make it, she can make it.
She's going to do things that hurt you, that you don't understand, and plenty more. All part of the process and you don't control what she does.
What you do control is you. In that is a LOT of power. How you deal with things, how you respond, how your self-image is, how much love you show, controlling you temper/emotions...... lots of power. What she does is not a reflection on you..... and what she does can't control you unless you let it.

Wanting to check in, seeing what she's doing, hacking, etc...... don't do it!!! It will only hurt you, and strengthen her bad behavior.
During this time, there is no you in her mind. There is only her. This is normal. Don't be alarmed.
Now is the time to lay low, take care of yourself (and the kids, dog, everything). She's going to shoot off in her own direction for awhile. You can be there, be kind, and show love without throwing it in her face. Give her some distance, lots of time, and yes..... freedom (and I don't mean a blank check to do anything - there are consequences for some things).

Take care of what you have to take care of: Job, family, finances, etc. She could spin off into destruction, but she may act out and then mellow. Time will tell.
She's going to be riddled with guilt, and have terrible confusion, doubt, self-loathing and mask it all with (apparent) joy/happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth. What you have to do is shine. Get better, concentrate on yourself. Leave her to the mess of her turmoil.
Mine said all the things you listed. The bad actions too. They do moderate in time, and eventually fade..... but they look to provoke you, and when they succeed: It confirms the lies they tell themselves about you. Don't let that happen. Take the hits and go about your life. Give her time and space and let her eventually wonder "why isn't he chasing me?". Be good to where you don't have fault in anything. Yeah it's not easy, quick, and you wont get any thanks... but she is listening and watching. Let her see good things and want to miss it.

Just realize that you are on a journey, and so is she. They are separate journeys and each has it's own purpose. You can only do your part, so do it.
That she does her part is up to her, but she has an advantage if you do your part (lead by example - you grow and get better, it helps her to want to do the same).

Glad you found this place, lots of wonderful people who travel the same road.

-SS
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Wife Of 14 Years Began MLC in July
#9: October 29, 2020, 07:52:43 PM
CastleofGlass,  I am in the same boat as you since July when my W  gave me the BD that I love you but I'm not in love you.  Just  wanted to encourage you as I am dealing with very similar  challenges.

Standing Strong, I have been following your thread and appreciate your insights.   Not ready to start my own thread yet but really wanted to send encouragement and thanks to everyone on this forum.
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