Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story All insights on my situation very welcome

t
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 33
  • Gender: Female
My Story All insights on my situation very welcome
OP: October 29, 2020, 11:46:20 AM
Hi All

I am hoping that I am doing this correctly! I have been on this site for a couple of weeks now and am very confused about how to post properly.

My story:

Some background - together 26 years, married 3. H songwriter / musician with unrealised ambitions to succeed that have (imho) destroyed him. Some near misses which makes it even worse in some ways. H also unwell with ulcerative colitis for about 15 years which finally culminated in major emergency surgery and his colon being removed. He now has a "bag for life" as my son (17) calls it.

H very withdrawn / depressed for about 6 months before the ILYBINILWY in Feb 2020. EA with OW - at that point predominantly multiple texts but she was also a member of a contemporary choir that me and H ran together and her daughter had music lessons with H. She pursued for a long time and I was very aware of it but so certain of H (BIG mistake) that I felt there was no danger.

Since Feb this year he has left and returned a few times but seems completely unable to stop texting OW. In his words "I'm scared I'm going to contact her".

H has no work, nowhere to live (currently in tiny box room at his mother's) and as far as I can tell since leaving "properly" at the beginning of September is only seeing OW sporadically.

H said that due to his illness etc he found that he deferred to me on everything and even since surgery, cannot find himself again and being around me means he needs constant validation from me to do anything. I will fully admit that this is true but don't agree that his illness was the crux of this. I am much more of a do-er, lots of get up and go, optimism, positivity etc whereas H is a deep thinking, dreamer sort of guy. Consequently if anything needed doing, he would leave it all to me despite my asking his opinion (I would usually get an "I don't know" response)

I feel that our whole relationship has been superb and have always felt that we connected on so many things (politics, religion, comedy, film, football, music (this is both of our main interest - we played in bands together, ran a choir etc)

H is not your typical MLCer as far as I can tell. Our interactions when we see each other fall straight back into superb conversation, shared interests etc and he doesn't blame me for anything, saying I am "fantastic". H very much wants to help out at home and wants us to be the best of friends. I simply cannot do this - it hurts to much to see him too often.

H makes excuses to linger when he comes to see our son. He felt completely swallowed up by everything in his life and was even suicidal for a while. I firmly believe that everything he needs is right here at home and that all of the stress of his illness and the unsuccessful career is what is driving his deep depression. He feels on some level that it is our relationship.

I love him to distraction - he is the love of my life and we get on so well but I am at a loss as to how to turn this around. I DID file for divorce simply because atm, neither of us are earning but when my business is back up and running, I earn a good deal more than him and that will complicate matters. My filing didn't make much difference to him - tbh we only got married to celebrate that we had gotten through his major surgery together - we were solid as can be just living together.

We are based in the UK - I have been avidly searching for help on here. It seems that most MLCers are Vanishers or Monsters and my H is neither of those things so I need help dealing with this. Please, anyone, help me!
  • Logged
BD Feb 20 - OW - EA, probably PA now, not sure??
Left Mar 20
Back and forth a few times - last moved out 8th Sep 2020

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3321
  • Gender: Female
Re: All insights on my situation very welcome
#1: October 29, 2020, 12:02:18 PM
Perhaps see if he´s willing to go for a blood test that measures markers for depression. If present, then a medical professional can guide him to treatment. Depression has a biological component and you are not the cause of his depression.
  • Logged
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

t
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 33
  • Gender: Female
All insights on my situation very welcome
#2: October 29, 2020, 12:12:21 PM
He was diagnosed with depression and given anti depressants.  Took them for 3 weeks and was totally suicidal - he chose to stop taking them.  I realised that I cannot control his decisions but I was disappointed.  He seems totally and utterly lost.  Covid has put an end to his musical teaching work and in any event, he understands that his obsession with trying to make it in the industry has destroyed him.  Consequently he doesn't want a career in music anymore but has literally no clue what else he can do. 

We live in a very small seaside town with limited opportunities for work.
  • Logged
BD Feb 20 - OW - EA, probably PA now, not sure??
Left Mar 20
Back and forth a few times - last moved out 8th Sep 2020

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3321
  • Gender: Female
Re: All insights on my situation very welcome
#3: October 29, 2020, 01:56:34 PM
My ex also took meds and first type did not work, he switched, but... then went cold turkey without telling anyone. Your H may be eligible for the ketamine treatment that is given in a doctor´s office, requires about 3 treatments and works within hours to change mood.
  • Logged
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4215
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
All insights on my situation very welcome
#4: October 29, 2020, 04:04:09 PM
Hello,

So sorry that you are here but glad that you are at the right place for the support you will need. Your h is in a crisis and it is his crisis. He has dealt with medical issues as well as professional issues- ie the music industry. A great book called the Hollywood Diaries dealt with this same theme. He wrote for movies/television and both his brother and sister were actors. Mainly "B" roles, busy but not rich. He feel into alcohol and drug issues and lost his family. Both of his siblings committed suicide. The music industry is cruel.

So, your h is not a vanisher, clinging boomerang, or a monster. He is a wallower and he is wallowing in his depression. OW is his drug but not necessarily the stimulant most OW's can be- he hasn't moved to see her as his "soul" mate. 

The best thing you can do is focus on you, be kind and understand that you are dealing with a lot of trauma. Your self care is just as important as being the lighthouse for him. In regards to him, support but not demand that he seek counseling for himself.  I would also set boundaries in regards to OW that you do not support or accept his continued communication with her. You can't stop him, but you are not going to discuss or validate her with him.

This is a long journey and I want you to think of this as a long, long opera not a jingle.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

s
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1662
  • Gender: Female
All insights on my situation very welcome
#5: October 30, 2020, 02:20:09 AM
I’m also in the UK so thought I would pop and say heyyy
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6114
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: All insights on my situation very welcome
#6: October 30, 2020, 04:04:15 AM
Hi there,

Also from the UK and performer myself working within the world of performing arts.

7.5 yrs in to this malarky and can confirm life does get better.

You can always ask for a mentor and one of us will be able to help you.
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

t
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 33
  • Gender: Female
All insights on my situation very welcome
#7: October 30, 2020, 12:06:39 PM
Hi to the fellow UK guys!!! 

Would love a mentor - how does that work???
  • Logged
BD Feb 20 - OW - EA, probably PA now, not sure??
Left Mar 20
Back and forth a few times - last moved out 8th Sep 2020

t
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 33
  • Gender: Female
All insights on my situation very welcome
#8: October 31, 2020, 12:51:03 AM
I met with H yesterday to supposedly discuss financial stuff relating to the house etc.  We ended up having a really lovely time together - just chatting, laughing and generally having a good time.  I did stress that I was not willing to discuss OW in any way and that I would afford him the same courtesy about anything that I was up to.  He came back to the house to have a coffee and to see son and there were times when we were helpless with laughter over silly, funny things. 

An interesting insight from him - he said that he has been cooking for his Mum a lot recently and I said ooh, that would have been nice when we were together.  He said that he did try to do this but I would invariably come in and take over.  This is true unfortunately and I do take my part in this.  I apologised, said that I knew that I did this and sometimes needed to be told if I was domineering.  I stressed that I am working on myself to stop this sort of behaviour and feel that I am a better person for having done so.  I did point out that if he had communicated this to me then I would have done something about it at the time.  He conceded that this was true.  He also said that he wants me to know that he thinks I am "absolutely fantastic".  I think he feels that we can't be together because he loses himself in my being a strong person but that he still thinks extremely highly of me.

So - the news reports today suggest that the UK will be going into a full national lockdown by mid next week.  My question is this - as H will be allowed during lockdown to see our son and come over, should I use this time to reconnect with him despite OW being on the horizon or simply not make myself available?  Every bone in my body says that when we see each other we really are making progress and that when we don't we drift further apart but I would like everyone's view on this please!!!
  • Logged
BD Feb 20 - OW - EA, probably PA now, not sure??
Left Mar 20
Back and forth a few times - last moved out 8th Sep 2020

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6114
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: All insights on my situation very welcome
#9: October 31, 2020, 02:28:05 AM
Quote
should I use this time to reconnect with him despite OW being on the horizon or simply not make myself available?

A bit of both.
He knows you're there and he knows that you are his anchor but if as Ready says he is a wallower - nothing you say or do will make an immediate difference.

So keep bright, breezy - use humour where appropriate but NO R talks and no sense of discussing his depression.  If he moves into a conversation about that then just listen, offer no advice but show that you are actively listening - that way you show you care but without committing to fixing him in his wallowing.

LBSers are known to be "fixers"   This is something we cannot fix.

MLC is a long journey and will take time - something that you will learn to love.  MLC is also depression and so it is difficult to sometimes separate the two strands of depression. However depressed people do seek solutions only to reject them.

DO not see any conversation as reconnecting - what you are doing is keeping contact.  Reconnection is a long journey usually after replay has dwindled and it's not always guaranteed that MLCers will reconnect. This is why we advise LBSers to focus on their own journey and growth so that you can be ready for any genuine reconnection.

Have a look at the blog article on types of communication and the difference between touch and goes and reconnection.

You can ask Old Pilot for a mentor and he will then ask which mentor can provide you with support and a mentor will be allocated.  Have a look at the post RCR put up about Mentor duties so that you know how it works.
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.