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Author Topic: My Story All insights on my situation very welcome

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My Story All insights on my situation very welcome
#60: November 19, 2020, 01:18:47 AM
Like a

Clinger.....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#61: November 20, 2020, 01:47:49 AM
Clington  was very much the same. To some extent he still is. Hence how he got the name “clington”. There’s a part I need for my bit under the sink. I’ve ordered three times online what I thought the part was. Never got the correct one. I didn’t know what it was called so was googling. After the third failed item I text FIL and clington to ask what it was. (FiL is my landlord agent!) and it was clington who got back to me and now he’s taken it upon himself to order everything needed. He needs to feel needed around here.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

t
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#62: November 21, 2020, 02:23:02 PM
I'm still really confused by H's behaviour since coming out of hospital last Sunday.   He has made some excuse or other to be here every single day, sometimes for a few hours at a time.  So 6 days straight.   I thoroughly enjoy his company and feel he might be relaxing a little more and I am ok afterwards, otherwise I would stop the visits.

He seems to be making it clear what he is doing with his time and I don't know if it's just wishful thinking (and it might well be) but I am not sure he is still seeing OW.  The thing is, I think he would be reluctant to tell me if he wasn't because he might think I would expect him to want to come straight home (I wouldn't).   If he IS still seeing her then it's not for very long or very often - if you left me to be with her, then why not?  That's the question going around my head.

My friends who are utterly fantastic but who don't have direct experience of MLC are somewhat baffled that I don't just ask him straight out.  I feel that to do so would open R talks that could be very detrimental so I have not been keen to do this.  Advice on this very welcome though please!

We talk just a little bit about the relationship that H had with his father growing up.  F was very controlling - an angry, bitter man who never got where he wanted to in life and was very exacting.  H said that he just learned how to suppress everything inwardly and I feel that this may have some bearing on the situation he finds himself in today.  I gently encouraged him to explore it and he said "I don't want to get too morose" but acknowledged that he needed to give it some thought. 

I know he is exhibiting clinger type behaviour - does the above all sound MLC textbook to you guys?
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« Last Edit: November 21, 2020, 02:24:05 PM by tadsa29 »
BD Feb 20 - OW - EA, probably PA now, not sure??
Left Mar 20
Back and forth a few times - last moved out 8th Sep 2020

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#63: November 22, 2020, 02:24:28 AM
I dont know textbook but I know it’s sounds similar to me.

Don’t ever assume the ow isn’t about. These men are so good at lying. That they can exaggerate and fabricate stories so it looks one way.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

H
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#64: November 22, 2020, 06:40:19 AM
Hi Tadsa29,

I am in midst of the same challenge with my W regarding a potential OM and my friends wanted me to confront too.  Although I initially have confronted her multiple times, my W has said she is not involved or that she doesn’t have to tell me.  I know she is at least having an EA and most likely having a PA.

My approach is to just focus on my relationship with my W and be clear about my boundaries for having honesty and faithfulness in our marriage.  My W is wanting to talk about our marital challenges and I’m being open to examining how we can make things better.  I also am planting seeds about the need for own individual growth and healing as I know her MLC is not just about our marriage.

At this point, I can’t control what my W does interacting with other men.  All I can do is focus on me and set clear boundaries that she will need to live by if we reconcile our marriage.  Emotionally I am on a rollercoaster but I am confident in my approach no matter what the outcome.  Just taking things one day at a time.
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t
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#65: November 22, 2020, 01:49:08 PM
Hi HF - in contrast though my H doesn't seem to want to talk about any marital challenges so nothing of consequence ever gets said!!!

It's very difficult not to read too much into things - so then I try to imagine the worst (ie he's only coming over here because there is a reason why OW can't see him at the mo - something like self isolation or similar).  I could drive myself nuts so am trying to just take it for what it is.  He has just been through a scary time in hospital and it seems to have left him shaken so he probably just needs to be with someone who understands the whole surgery / stoma thing.

I am giving myself a mental slap to stop focusing on him so much. 
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BD Feb 20 - OW - EA, probably PA now, not sure??
Left Mar 20
Back and forth a few times - last moved out 8th Sep 2020

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#66: November 22, 2020, 03:06:37 PM
My W was in the hospital for months about 10 years ago and had an ileostomy for a period of time.  Took about 2 years to recover so I understand health challenges. Difficult to try to work through a MLC and health issues at the same time.  Hoping you can  focus on yourself and your own journey.  Wish you all the best.
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#67: November 23, 2020, 05:37:18 AM
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I thoroughly enjoy his company and feel he might be relaxing a little more and I am ok afterwards, otherwise I would stop the visits.
And that is probably the key thing, Tad. That may change and if it does, you can change your response of course.
Just watch out for any magic mind reading or lurking expectations  :)

Your h would currently seem to be enjoying the comfort and reassurance of metaphorical familiar home cake after his bout of illhealth. Which perhaps is a normal reaction albeit in an abnormal situation. And you are comfortable with providing that currently. It is probably safer to assume that ow is still in the mix somewhere tbh and to accept that touch and goes are common, particularly with a clinger, so you are not too hurt if he drifts away again once he feels a bit better.  ::) and yes, I would resist the urge to do anything that looks like a R talk or indeed any 'helpful' fixing discussions. If you can, detach enough to just take it for what it is if it is not uncomfortable for you. I think I recall someone else saying that if you feel confused that they are still in crisis....that if they want to reconnect in a healthy way, you will know....so it is safer to assume nothing much until or unless you feel less confused  :)

One of the biggest challenges I think for all of us early on is to adapt from a shared marital 'lane' towards thinking more in terms of 'my lane' and 'your lane'. My lane is all the stuff I can directly choose, act on and am accountable for. Your lane? Not a place I can do much about and not my responsibility. So, as an example, your opinion about whether your h's relationship with his father led him to this place is not in your lane imho....you didn't cause it, you can't fix it and your opinion (which may or may not be right lol) doesn't matter really if your h chooses not to do anything about it in order to not be 'too morose'. Truthfully....although it is a squirmy truth for most of us...most LBS have a slippery history of a kind of control habit when we have dipped into other peoples lanes but persuaded ourselves we are being helpful or encouraging. Imho reciprocity and respect matters a great deal in any kind of recovery......and helpful maybe works differently when there is still a shared lane as there might have been before BD....encouraging is perhaps best saved for when the other person chooses to bring something to the table or asks for our encouragement? Jmo.

I have others in my life right now that I sometimes provide encouragement and support for - and vice versa  :) - but the big difference is that those relationships have some kind of reciprocity and respect to them that MLC relationships just don't seem to have. Even so, I am a lot slower to jump in with my opinion than I used to be lol. I coach more in RL as well as professionally now, and listen harder for signals of where folks are at in a given moment  :) Sometimes tbh I just ask what someone feels they need right now.....and others have done the same for me so I get why that can matter and why controlling my own lane and the opinions that come into it can matter  :)

Fwiw it does sound pretty textbook. Both for an MLCer and for your confusion as an LBS. Again with nothing more than the great gift of hindsight, my confusion was usually a sign that I DID have some expectations or was trying to predict or control something inherently impossible to predict or control....so tbh it was less about his behaviour - weird as it was - and more about my readiness to work with what was in front of my nose. Or not.

Out of interest, Tad, what would need to happen for you to feel less comfortable with his visits if anything? Does it conflict with any boundaries you have set for yourself or communicated to him in the past? And does it cost you anything or inconvenience you in any way? And do you know how he might react if, perhaps just bc you were busy rather than some big emotional reason, you said no, not today?
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« Last Edit: November 23, 2020, 05:46:46 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

t
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#68: November 23, 2020, 05:47:28 AM
Treasur thank you so much once again for your incredibly helpful opinion.  Everything you have said makes sense and makes me feel that I am handling things ok (for the moment!)

I think, in answer to your question, what would make me feel more uncomfortable about his visits is if they were to happen for a very extended period of time.  I feel it might be too early to say "no contact whilst you're still seeing OW" but surely at some point I will have to do this?  Otherwise there will be no reason for him to face the reality of my not being there for him.  What is your opinion?
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BD Feb 20 - OW - EA, probably PA now, not sure??
Left Mar 20
Back and forth a few times - last moved out 8th Sep 2020

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#69: November 23, 2020, 07:01:13 AM
Quote
I feel it might be too early to say "no contact whilst you're still seeing OW" but surely at some point I will have to do this?  Otherwise there will be no reason for him to face the reality of my not being there for him.  What is your opinion?

Hmmm, I suppose my first reaction is that, right now, you ARE giving him what he wants (limited or temporary though it might be) so actually he is not having to face the reality of you not being there for him bc that is not what is happening currently.

Tbh only you can decide what is acceptable for you, or not, and if/how much you are 'there for him'. But I suppose I think there is a subtle but important difference as to whether you are deciding that based on your needs or deciding it based on trying to influence or challenge him in some way. You are entirely in charge of how much metaphorical cake you choose to serve.  :)

I know that by the time I was ready to pull back hard from my h, it was entirely about what I needed and didn't need. And I didn't spend any time at all thinking about how he might or might not respond. It doesn't sound as if that is where you are right now, Tad.....but if you get there, you'll know.

Out of interest, I think you filed for divorce already to protect yourself financially iirc? What's the status of that? And how well protected are you while you serve small amounts of cake to a visiting h?
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« Last Edit: November 23, 2020, 07:05:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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