[MadLuv]

Agreed!! I have never been a reader and I am now. Knowledge in this situation is everything!!!!

[gman242]

Thank you ' Ready ' (well every one who takes the time comment)for your kind but honest words they are really important to me , as I sometimes get left in a haze of confusion , my tunnel analogy could well be wrong ,but with each passing interaction with her I get more clarity and look back to my mistakes at the start of this .

I've taken the lesson of not being ' needy and clingy ' and to a degree not reverted to type ,to help cope with this process , im really glad i found this support site so early on otherwise I'd have made many mistakes.

I know that I didn't stumble on HS until I was already 5 months after ABD and, when I look back, if there was a check-list for actions "Do NOT do this" I checked off every single one of the boxes as "Did it - didn't work." Now, 7 years later, I look at the mess the MLCxW has in her life and see that this was her choice and the mess is the result (consequences) of her actions. Unfortunately, those consequences have affected and are still affecting our kids negatively as they have a somewhat less than stellar role model in MLCxW for taking responsibility and pushing through the difficult times instead of rolling over and being a victim.  Now though, MLCxW has to find other perpetrators because I'm no longer available as the source of her misery....

So, in that vein, you are doing much better at this point in time than I was at the same point after BD.... Keep it up!

I went through similar and I think we all do to an extent. The biggest turning point for me was when i stopped worrying about my XW and I started thinking about me, my life and what it was that brought us together to begin with. What was it about me, that I kept choosing bad relationships and all that sort of thing.

I wanted to focus on me and Xw can go do her thing away from me. You mentioned (John T) being a lighthouse and I think that may be a romantic notion that brings us some comfort, but to truly grow, you need to let go. At least that's my two cents. If that person wants to come back and is willing to put in the work, at that point, if that's what you decide what you want, then you climb all those stairs and dust off the spot light. But until then, I think you're better off being the captain of your own ship. After all, after all the work you put into yourself, getting your sea legs and all, that's where you deserve to be, right at the helm, deciding where to steer the ship.

[John T]

Hi Gman

The 'lighthouse'analogy is what others call it , I fully understand what you are saying . I've laid down some rules about what I'll do to help her as she can't have all of the support that a marriage provides. I'm detaching in a gentle and careful manner , I'm moving up  to a full captain .

[John T]

Hello all

My MLC wife is in frequent contact, daily mostly.
We've spent a bit of time together meals, walks etc .
Something I've learnt about myself is I've got a sense of inner calm and feel much stronger, to the point that if we split for good I can accept it far easier, my emotional detachment is far stronger. She very apologetic and offering to do things for me. ' the blown up bridge' (MLC) is now being cleared away. 

Being a 'lighthouse' has been the way to go offering gentle encouragement and support when appropriate.

She's following the MLC script and is in 'acceptance '

This site and it's teaching is invaluable as a support tool . Id have made so many mistakes and gone totally the wrong way , I've learnt a lot about myself good and bad and continue to work on me . Some advice didn't make sense at the time , but slowly it's sunk in , the process is not about blame it's about growing and maturing for the next chapter of your life, be it alone or together .





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[Standing Strong]

Great update JT 

Happy to hear she is progressing.

Takes time, and plenty of it.

-SS

[John T]

Hello all
I'm still around my wife is still in her tunnel but seems to be easing along it , we spend time together and are in regular contact but there's no real 'us' talk , I seem to be increasingly involved in her life . It's leaving me confused as to where this is going if anywhere !

[Biscuit]

John T,

I'm a couple of years behind you time wise but in a very similar situation with my W. We talk daily, text all the time and see each other often.
Have you spoken to her at all about where her head is at?

[John T]

Hi Biscuit

I've tried to get her to open up , mostly it's very vague but then the odd nugget appears as to her feelings.

[John T]

 Recently I've been spending time with with my wife, on Monday past we had a talk about things and we've decided to try again after 4 years and 8 months separated . We've both put some provisions in place of how things should be going forward .

It's been the hardest thing in my life to deal with, but I've learnt so much about me and others.

How are you all doing

[UrsaMajor]

Now the REALLY hard work begins.

I wish you all the best!