[MantellyExhausted]

What honestly made me feel better about the OM is when I looked at the relationship as nothing more than a symptom of the MLC, not the reason.  Like having diarrhea when you have the stomach bug.  When the stomach bug goes away, so does the diarrhea (OM)

[OffRoad]

Keep taking care of you JohnT. You didn't cause her to find an OM, you can't change anyone but you.

This becomes more difficult, because you might now second guess yourself in every situation, not just the one with your W.  I went through a spell where it was hard to speak up for myself in a calm manner when someone was trying to tell me what I was doing was incorrect, when I knew full well it was correct. It was a learning experience to get back to assertive as opposed to passive because I was afraid I would blow up. I had to relearn my own worth, as it were. My worth is not/ was not based on the actions of my now XH.

Also, what MantellyExhausted said is quite true. What the MLCer does is not about us. It's about the MLCer trying to find a way to what they THINK is "happiness", however each one defines it. We are collateral damage in their inner fight against themselves, imo.

Do what you need to do to get yourself on an even keel. Remember,  today you can be NC, next week you can be dim, the following week something else.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I have been in the same place. Told no more OM and then finding out that they were back again. Or did he  ever leave?

MLCer lie and that is why you can't try to read them or anticipate their progress through their crisis. Go dim or dark....even NC, do it to detach so that your w can't hurt you even more.

It's been ten years for me and while my ex and I at an uneasy peace and act friendly to each other, I still don't trust her....not one bit.

Be really good to yourself and heal.

((((((Ready))))))

[John T]

My w has started emailing me ,it's like she's checking up on me

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Thus begins the cycle. My question to you, why is she trying to email you? What does she seek? What does she need? I am not trying to get you to focus on her, but to start thinking how you can detach from her and the situation.

Did she email you that she was seeing OM?  It seems she cuts you first and then offers a band-aid. At the moment, is this a person you want to be involved with?

My advice is to go slow and you decide if and when you will respond to her. Don't become her parent-despite her depression, she is still responsible for her actions and decisions.

Keep taking care of yourself, you are doing very well,

((((Ready))))

[John T]

The original email was about a bike that's in storage at her mum's holiday home , she'd been to check on her mum's place and the bike. Then she starts telling me about her TV viewing horse riding stuff, her cars cost some money etc just general chit chat. I made a point of not asking how she was, so then asks how am i have been to to the gym.

The next email was about our first home together, it's come up for sale .

She did inform me by email about the OM I didn't respond to that , I tend to answer like for like now .

I feel she gets moments of clarity and wants to check the bridge is still there .

[John T]

She came around tonight with a birthday present and card for me ,she emailed to ask if I wanted a Christmas tree from storage at my old home .she seemed cheerful and was asking about my family ,not sure what to make of if anything.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

It's hard to make of anything that they think of. I mean, it is a combination of crazy and sanity. What's wrong with a wife that emails you and buys you a gift? Then again this very same person is seeing someone else and telling you that it's all over.

When she brings you a gift, it's hard not to become connected again, to have those feelings come alive, to sense hope. Then the back of your brain reminds the hopeful side that this isn't real and the reality is that she isn't with you. It builds a crisis in yourself. One side wants to hug and the other side wants to shove her out the door.

Yes, she is checking in on you- making sure you are right where she left you.

So how do you detach? You minimalize the hope as something nice and you minimalize the hurt by expecting it. If you set you mind to accept any situation from her, then you can't get sucked in. That your world can get better with or without her.

Now, my question for you- are you going to get her a Christmas gift? Is she going to get a gift for you? If you do, what are you planning to give her? In my situation, I had young children....they deserved a Christmas so everyone had a gift. I don't think my ex really cared, but she played her part.

Think it through and post what you plan on doing. Maybe other can chime in with advice as I never really addressed it when I had my wallower and you apparently have a clinger.

Keep posting and going strong. With all the cray cray around you, you are doing very well.

((((Ready))))

[John T]

No presents will be given by me , I got her a card and it simply said to a special friend , I don't think wife is appropriate

I made a point of not talking relationship,and om stuff , she even asked about my mum which she hasn't done, wanted pictures of my 6 week old granddaughter.

[PJ Ames]

Catching up John T. So sorry you're going through all this. It really, really sucks.

She came around tonight with a birthday present and card for me ,she emailed to ask if I wanted a Christmas tree from storage at my old home .she seemed cheerful and was asking about my family ,not sure what to make of if anything.

"If anything" is right. Making nothing of it might be the way to go. This kind of stuff is difficult. I'm almost 4-years post-BD and I still struggle with how to respond to her alternating between crazy and normal. On one hand, I want to be a kind and peaceful man. So I want to respond to cheerfulness and friendly overtures with kindness. But on the other hand, I want to be an honest man, so I don't want to pretend like everything is OK. And I'm not interested in helping her feel less guilty for putting me and the kids through hell. So anything more than being respectful and polite seems wrong to me too.

I think you're handling things well. I would encourage you to find calmness within  yourself and then trust your instincts about what to make of what she says and does. If anything.

Be good to yourself.