[John T]

I'm still here,  I had a week off work and spent a large portion of it thinking about the whole split what been said etc.
I realised after that deep thinking session and coming to the conclusion that I can't do anything about it, this was a week of deep grieving it's a strange old process logic has no role in emmotions.

She has been making more clothes for my granddaughter , and sending odd pointless emails about the weather for example.

[Dragonfly33]

John I experienced these touch and goes with my H for more than 2 years. Ready is right you need to detach. You can thank for the help offered but also make sure that you don't have any expectations. I had my hopes high when my H was doing these things. And I wasn't fully detached. It's  just very painful emotionally when they go and you realized they are still fully inside the tunnel and not even close to the end. Now I understand why everybody is constantly reminding on being detached. But detachment is the hardest thing to do and until now I haven't fully detached yet. I am detached in some ways but not fully. This is work in progress.

[MadLuv]

Doesnt quite matter how many times someone tells you to detach. It is not something that can be told or enforced. You just have to come to a point where you get it all. That the pain is hared attached. That you truly understand that they are not who they were, at least for now or forever… who knows. Once you get there it is a remarkable place to be. You just know some how you will be ok. No matter the outcome, even if it is the outcome you still wish you could change.

[Reinventing]

Madluv, I agree. I think when people say "detach" they mean "practice detaching" or "do those things, say those things, think those things that help you detach".

I would have given anything to be truly detached during all of this. I just wanted the pain to stop. However, once I learned strategies to cope, strategies to detach, I would employ those in situations where I needed to detach. I understood by then to monitor my feelings of attachment and had built a toolbox to help me detach.

So what I read, when people say to someone that they need to detach, is "open that LBS toolbox and practice detaching".

I find that toolbox helpful for other things in life as well now that BD is many years in the past.

[UrsaMajor]

"Detaching" has come to have a bunch of different meangins here but, as RCR described it, detaching is unhooking YOUR emotional state from the Rollecoaster that is the MLC'ers emotional state - detaching your car from theirs - regaining control over your own emotional state and situation - being able to stay on an even keel in your own right while the MLC'er is going off around the bend in theirs....   It was about no longer being personally connected to the emotional rollercoaster that is MLC

[Reinventing]

URSA

being able to stay on an even keel in your own right while the MLC'er is going off around the bend in theirs

Yes, and it's a wonderful state to reach. For me, it took practice and strategies to refocus my attention in order to detach. But it helped my outright mental health to get there. Otherwise I was attached to someone's whims, instability, and  inconsistent fantasy thoughts and life.

[Dragonfly33]

URSA

being able to stay on an even keel in your own right while the MLC'er is going off around the bend in theirs

Yes, and it's a wonderful state to reach. For me, it took practice and strategies to refocus my attention in order to detach. But it helped my outright mental health to get there. Otherwise I was attached to someone's whims, instability, and  inconsistent fantasy thoughts and life.

Totally agree!

[John T]

Hello  all of you good people of this forum.

I'm still continuing with my gentle healing process, I've started a weight loss programme not that I'm not massively overweight, doing it for myself.  Still playing golf badly but enjoy it.


My MLC wife keeps messaging me , her lastest thing  is shes helping my daughter (whos not a blood relative ) to find a new home as my daughter and husband are splitting up, this has hurt me my daughter going down the same route of a marriage break up . I'm just letting my wife continue with communications if it helps through this mental illness.  I'm no longer clinging on.

[FaithWalker]

Good for you on the weight loss program.  Glad you are enjoying the golf as well.  I always wanted to learn how to golf but that was my H's thing and he never thought to get me clubs or include me.  I should look into picking it up now, but have been far to busy with some other hobbies I've picked up.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's splitting up with her husband.  So very sad.

[John T]

I've finally got to a place in my life where I don't see reconciliation as the ' be all and end all ' I no longer analyse every word and action , it's taken a huge amount of time and emotional pain to arrive here . I'm no longer waiting at the platform for the MLC train my wife is riding to arrive , I'm now sitting in a station cafe drinking a coffee and watching the world go by and thinking about me and my future .

When you get here you'll understand .  all we can do is detach and be there as a lighthouse should we called upon , but not to the detriment of ourselves .