Treasur & UrsaMajor - It does help knowing that others understand. In RL, so few people truly can grasp what this is like. It is not like Xh was always this way. And there is no straight line.
My desire to distance myself from Xh as much as I can is overwhelming at times. Interactions with Xh are exhausting and bring nothing positive to my life. That is so completely different from what it was like prior to his crisis. We did not have a perfect marriage. We had hurdles, but we met those challenges together as a team or worked through our differences. We put up with each other's idiosyncrasies and even embraced flaws. It worked, until it apparently didn't according to the one in crisis.
I often think about how if Xh were so unhappy he could have behaved like an adult and say he wanted out. Instead, he chose to do all he could to blow up all of it. He chose to behave the way he did. And, I too believe that MLCers do know what they are doing and somehow cannot control their behaviors.
I was thinking this morning about how it is such an odd thing - rebuilding after this type of life altering experience. When I was younger, I had plans and goals. They changed over time, but there was this diagram that maybe society laid out for us. That expectation that you graduate, settle down, buy a house, have kids, and so on. Now of course there were life events that stepped in and not everything goes according to plan for everyone, but for the most part, it seemed like a pretty linear path with a few twists and turns.
BD just shattered that and rebuilding is a very different beast. First it seems as though I spent much of my time just trying to make sure the earth was no longer shaking and tried to figure out where the possible landmines still were hiding. Then it was getting myself grounded enough to try and start to sift through the rubble. But there was no blueprint for how to rebuild or anything in a manual that said "step one" and so on. Now, I found myself at times thinking that once the kids graduated high school this is when I will be able to do this or that. It hasn't worked that way. The pandemic certainly threw a monkey wrench in the works all the way around. But, what I am realizing is it isn't like when I was younger. I have to make decisions based on my gut and not waiting to things to necessarily fall into place. Planning is a good thing. Goals are a good thing. But, I think now I see that I can only plan so much with a "rebuild" of my life. There are more moving pieces at the moment.
I am realizing that I can't always count on my plans to materialize the way they used to. Life is different now. The divorce and the disruption from Xh makes it a bit more challenging. If I simply wait until D no longer is getting support checks from Xh that is not going to necessarily change things magically. I can't wait around for everything to happen at once. It is more compartmentalized than I am used to and that is challenging.
Maybe that is the lesson right now with the timing of this house disaster and the surgery. I had originally planned on getting D's closet done and her room would have been finished. I could have moved on and to finish the other renovations. Instead, life threw me a curve ball. I changed my thoughts again and then suddenly have to adapt because of a surgery that I never anticipated would come down the line as quickly as it did once they finally decided it needed to happen. I am not sure how this is all going to shake out in terms of the bathroom being even remotely ready for me to return home.
I had it in my head that once the bathroom was finished I could start thinking about how I am going to get back to working and focus on my career again. Surgery has sidelined that a bit.
And it affects so many facets of my life. The truth is, maybe there is not going to be a way to ever make it all perfectly line up. It seemed so easy years ago, or at least not as difficult. I think I need to accept rebuilding is not going to just all fall perfectly into place the way I want it to. It leaves me to realize that maybe I have to not be so worried about perfect timing. Maybe the universe is reminding me I cannot control all of the facets of my life.
forthetrees - you posted just as I was ready to hit post.
I think if the kids were not in the mix, I would have kicked Xh out at some point.
As far as S is concerned, I do believe Xh is on the path to messing up that relationship as well. S rarely takes the time to go see Xh and they don't spend the same amount of time together they once did. I suspect Xh will continue to follow the same path FIL did. FIL, I am not sure I ever admitted to his failures. Once in awhile he would utter something about a mistake he made, but even up until his last months it was usually someone else's fault. It might be why none of the kids rushed to his bedside during his last moments. Xh's response at the time was he saw his F a few weeks before - he was okay not seeing him. FIL pretty much died alone. Sad, but that is what I see for Xh if he doesn't get his act together. But, I have accepted that is his choice and I have to focus on my own life trajectory.
Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 4
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