[During your marriage, were you the pursuer or the distancer?]

During your marriage, were you the pursuer or the distancer?

I was mostly an emotional pursuer but sexual distancer.

I was mostly an emotional pursuer and sexual pursuer.

I was mostly an emotional distancer and sexual distancer.

I was mostly an emotional distancer but sexual pursuer.

None of these (secure).

[Mermaid]

Your attachment style is about how you handle intimacy, and what you do to increase or decrease the perceived distance between you and your patrner.

The Pursuer is the person who wants a commitment, is scared of being abandoned, has no issue being impulsive or taking risks in a relationship, loves talking about the relationship and/or dislikes being alone. The Distancer would rather leave everything up in the air, wants space but has issues communicating that need, is a workaholic, and/or stands still in relationships out of fear of being rejected.

  SECURE: Individuals with this style can freely show and receive love; are sensual, sexual, and have high self-esteem; can ask for help and offer it to others; get upset but get over it; do not hold grudges; forgive; are comfortable with closeness as well as distance; enjoy time alone and with others.

 


If you don't know what your style is, take the quiz at the end of this article:
http://boards.askmen.com/archive/index.php/t-64665.html

[OldPilot]

I just wonder if whether you are male or female  influences this poll or not.

Well I guess we will see.

[Mermaid]

Good point, OP. I thought about adding that in, but it made the quiz too long (I'd have to have a section for M and a section for F).

Despite that, it is an important dynamic to consider. RCR has a useful section about it.

Also, some LBS may become a  distancer/ pursuer after BD.

[Mamma Bear]

  I must add I was only a sexual distancer after he started slacking off and sleeping on couch instead of helping with chores etc.. I didn't feel attracted to being taking advantage of...and listening to hs desire to buy a motorcycle ...(Me.. me.. me teenager mentality)

[Mermaid]

So far I'm surprised. I thought I'd see a lot more emotional pursuers!!! Interesting.

[Mitzpah]

I answered that I was an emotional pursuer but a sexual distancer. According to the test I am a secure avoider May be I was secure in my marriage R before BD and did not invest in pursuit of any kind, I wonder?

[Trustandlove]

good to start this thread, Mermaid -- I was thinking about starting one.  Perhaps we should put the pursuit/dstance stuff on here; maybe the bits from the Solo Partner?

I've been thinking about this; I said I was the pursuer, but I don't think I was originally -- he was.  Emotionally as well.  Somewhere that changed; probably around the time his father died, so quite a long time ago now.  That is when he started withdrawing, so, unsurprisingly, I must have started pursuing.....  the sexual distancing for me came only very soon before BD; even then I know I pursued that some.  But I know I was feeling more distant -- it resonates more to the classic Love Languages thing -- you ignore me all day and then expect me to jump into bed! 

I've also been wondering about talking about "I" versus "we" in terms of pursuit and distance....    around the time of his friend's suicide he switched (I now see in hindsight) from more of the "we" to the "I"....   

and I'm now learning to do the "I" thing...

[OldPilot]

I answered that I was an emotional pursuer but a sexual distancer. According to the test I am a secure avoider May be I was secure in my marriage R before BD and did not invest in pursuit of any kind, I wonder?

Not to influence the vote but ^^^^^ is what a normal woman is supposed to be.

A  normal  man is the opposite.


Solo Partner thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1965.0

RCR articles
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance_questions.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance_hoovering.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance_reassure-or-fear.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance_mlcer-run-when-alienator-gone.html

DB link:  Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Al Turtle

http://www.alturtle.com/archives/1326 What to do when He/She Leaves?
http://www.alturtle.com/blog/Relationships/Skills/ReliableMembership
http://www.alturtle.com/blog/Relationships/Skills/ReliableMembership/_archives/2005/3/9/412419.html

These two dont work and before I delete them I am trying to figure out what they are suppose to be, added the first one (what to do) which is Al's most popular article.
http://www.alturtle.com/Relationships/Skills/ReliableMembership/_archives/2005/3/9/412164.html
http://www.alturtle.com/_archives/2007/2/6/2715346.html

Edited for links on pursuit and distance articles.

[Mermaid]

Thanks OP!

[Rollercoasterider]

That questionnairre was interesting.

Secure: 6
Pursuer: 0
Avoider: 9

It's like I'm a guy or something. 

But I think it benefited Standing because I welcomed the alone time.