[UrsaMajor]

[Yo]

Hola!
I was very happy about H going to therapy and the motorcycle change but...
Update
H sold his truck, the one that he used to do home service (pick pets up and medical consultation) and bought a new Camaro
Do I have to explain more?...
His D is going to University in August and she needed a small car, the situation is difficult as almost everywhere around the world, 30 % of the incomes were home service, and I can keep going...

Just when I thought that he were going out of Replay...
My fault to have expectations I know, but it was a low blow anyway

The first thing that crossed my mind was a clear picture of him and OW in the car and then I realized how bad it was to our business as well

I told him that I was done, and I really would like to
but the truth is that I keep suffering about his behavior, caring about him and hoping

He has been mad at me since last Saturday because I told him I was done with him and besides that, he is acting like I am the one that is crazy because I don't understand his needs and don't want to have the relation that he wants with him (I don't even know what kind of relationship) of course he again, act like a monster saying tons of crap

I don't know if he was trying to come out of Replay and then went back or he never left that stage
The point is that I would like to have the courage to move on and stop being a stander

[Songanddance]

Hi Yo - remember replay takes a long time and so your expectations might have led you to believe that his latest actions were signs he was coming out and going into the next phase. 

MLC is not linear - it is loops and circles until the MLCer chooses to break the cycle and then the next phase is a series of loops and circles.

Sorry to say this but 3 yrs in and still with OW - he is still in replay - he may be cycling in and out of it but if she's in play so is he.

Are you done?  Well and truly done? Or are you desperate not to have any more expectations so that saying "You're done" is a way of telling yourself off because you had expectations and it's easier to think you're done because it will prevent you from having expectations.

When you're done - there is no doubt because you know that you know that you know you are done.

H will of course flounder that you have said you're done because his anchor is rocking.   However try distancing yourself even more now so that you can detach those pesky expectations from emerging.  Then decide if you are done.

[Yo]

Thank you Songanddance!
 I don't really know if I am done, you are right!
I don't know if he is with OW, he says he is not (hard to believe) but that doesn't change the fact that he is still in Replay
So I am trying to distancing as you say, for the first time I haven't answer his calls in the last couple of days, I hope to be strong enough to keep being like that
Thank you very much again

[barbiedoll]

I truly wonder why it is so difficult to get to a place called " done".  I wonder that for all of us LBS . I have seen almost every LBS including Song, Courage and most especially me .. Barbiedoll. I have been to "done" fully , completely and utterly, only to return to the possibility this marriage may well work out.  Why do we do that?   I know the reasons for myself ( at least most of them) but I do wonder what others think this is about.  Many of these MLCer's deserve "done" and that is a reality and yet we do not stay in that done place.   I see you YO ...going back and forth. Its OK , I get it . I have done the same . Its painful and I wonder what else we could be doing with these years that would give us personal happiness, contentment and freedom from this horrible passenger seat of a mlcer .

[Yo]

I don't know why neither Barbiedoll! Maybe because we were happy with them before and we think that we can have that again?, or maybe because is in our nature to be fixing broken things?
Or maybe because deep inside we haven't realized that we deserve better (that is worse)
Thanks for letting me know that you have been there too, it makes me feel not so broken 💕

[barbiedoll]

I read a post the other day that said .      " I was never broken after all!    I was just profoundly hurt and betrayed".       I think there is much truth in this, even though we feel so shattered.   We reacted to betrayal like humans do.   We are not so much broken as we are broken hearted. We are normal after all.

[Yo]

Loved it! Thanks ❤

[Limboland2018]

Maybe we go back and forth because we are addicted to the drama? Just a thought.

[9393roo]

Hi Yo,

I might be the poster child for showing how non lineal MLC really is.  I used to think my H was in one place when he was actually in quite another, as I would find out later.  Now my mindset is he is somewhere in MLC, not sure where, not sure what’s coming next, but he is for sure there.  I brace myself, detach and let him be where he is.  Those darn expectations creep in and start to take over.  I’ve been there many times. 

I disagree about being addicted to drama.  I think the opposite, we want calm so badly that we look past many red flags that are still waving.  In the calm moments the last few years is where i see my best growth. 

I too have been “done” so many times.  This is my red flag that I need to detach again.  Two steps forward one step back.  The dance of the MLCer continues. 

Sending you hugs.

Roo