[thissucks7788]

Hi Yo,
So happy you posted an update and I'm thrilled things are going so well for you.  I read through your story and found it very helpful to me (My H has been back home for about a year).  So many of your thoughts and questions that you asked yourself have applied to me and my situation as well.  As I always say, reconciliation has its own set of pitfalls and isn't for the faint of heart.  It isn't the same relationship as before. I notice differences but mostly in how I feel about it/him.  I always thought of H as my best friend who I could trust to the depths of my soul and felt free to share anything/everything.  After what happened, you really can't go back to that or at least I haven't as of yet. (I know it is still early for me)

We are living together, but like you, I've taken to reaching some of my own goals and trying to provide my own sense of safety. It's hard for you to think of your H as a safe space after all of the harm caused. When H left, I got a new job and picked up old hobbies which kept me occupied to some extent.  Even with him at home, I have started on a new work certification course and have been working toward that goal.  BTW, I found your lists inspiring. 

Thank you for providing some kind of roadmap (although I know everyone is different-as Acorn says-"sample of one").  I just want you to know that I appreciate you coming back to give us insight and I hope that things continue to go great for you!
B

[Yo]

Hola thissucks!

I am really happy that you found something helpful in my story!  Is the only reason I came in again to the forum, to let someone know that despite the difficult times, you can be alright, enjoy and be happier,

I know is not easy and you have a lot of questions but I guess that is part of the process and I am not talking about MLC but your process!  You have been through a lot!!!! and forgetting, forgiving and adapting is not over when they comeback!

I believe that what is helping me the most is keep focusing in myself and updating my lists, and to know that nothing is going to be the same BUT that doesn't mean that is wrong! simply different and why not, much better,  because you growth!

 Congratulations on your work certification! Yay!
 And not just because it keeps you occupied but because everything that makes you open your mind to be better in one field, is going to make you better in all the parts of your life!

Sending you lots of love! ❤️

[Yo]

Hola everybody! I am happy to be here again but not happy, if you know what I mean…
After a year of being reconnecting, (that is what I thought) I found out yesterday that H has a 2nd OW I believe since January.
I am devastated, not like the first time but really sad.

[Baxter1]

Im so sorry to hear that! Thoughts your way, good thoughts, the best thoughts I got.

[WHY]

We're sorry Yo.  MLC is a destroyer of worlds

Any sense for what now?

[Yo]

Thank you Baxter1 and thank you WHY! ❤️

I don't really understand, we were good apparently and this time no BD, no monster, or anything like the first time! When I asked him and finally he accepted, he just told me that he was mentally not good (really?!) he hasn't stopped sending me messages and in the last one he said we were meant to be together, I just answered that is not possible but in this moment is just from teeth out, I wish to really mean it.
I didn't really see it coming, actually a couple of days ago he told me that I was his happy and safe place.  At this moment I don't know if this is part of the MLC or this is how he is

[titleholder]

Hola everybody! I am happy to be here again but not happy, if you know what I mean…
After a year of being reconnecting, (that is what I thought) I found out yesterday that H has a 2nd OW I believe since January.
I am devastated, not like the first time but really sad.

Yo what a shock this must be.. I can't even imagine. These MLC'ers (or avoidant people?!) are so unpredictable. Even if you think you're going in the good direction they turn around and do something horrible again.

Luckily there are a lot of vets to help you around! <3

[Treasur]

At this moment I don't know if this is part of the MLC or this is how he is

Perhaps it is both? MLC and how he is now? Or what he has allowed himself to become.

I am very sorry though. It must be both a shock and a big disappointment. And perhaps leave you rather wondering what is the best way forward for you now. 

How did you find out?
I’m assuming he did not volunteer the information or explain what he sees the new plan/consequences as being, given his blah blah words about loving you etc etc. Fwiw I suspect he does see you as some kind of safe space….just not enough to treat you with respect or as a priority. There are quite a few MLCers who will happily want both types of cake if they think they can get away with it. Which means you get to decide how much or how little cake you are prepared to serve up, of course. What is acceptable in your life and what is not.

Do you know what, if anything, you want to do differently?

The standard LBS advice here seems to be that, when they act in ways that are self evidently not treating you or your family as a priority, one should step far back and develop some new boundaries that protect you and your kids from further chaos or confusion. But of course that means different things to different people.

I don’t know if it helps but you are not the only LBS here who honestly believed they were reconnecting and rebuilding, and then found out that there was a new OW/women in play. Or some other big secret or new drama or another BD of sorts. It seems to be part of the coping toolbox for whatever these kinds of folks  struggle with sadly….but I hope being reminded that you are not the only LBS to experience this will help you also remind yourself that you did nothing wrong, and that it was no failure on your part. And that you are allowed to feel all of whatever it is you feel about him and the situation.

How are you feeling right now?
What do you feel you most need at the moment to adjust to this new information?
How can we best support you?

[KayDee]

This is so crushing. I am sure you are so much stronger now than you were at original BD, but it must have re-triggered a lot of those emotions, like another knife in the heart. I am so sorry.

I agree with Treasur's interpretation, and also want to add, that it is my impression that some people in this type of crisis (my H included) act in a sort of self-destructive, self-sabotaging way. It's kind of like destroying something you don't feel worthy of. I don't necessarily think this is at the fore-front of their minds, it's more like a their mindset of old. And I am not making excuses for it, but I do think it's akin to the kind of self-protective move that causes people with a fear of abandonment to abandon.  But, whatever it is, the reality is that he is still not the grown up, responsible, accountable man that he needs to become to be in an adult relationship with you (or anyone else for that matter). The decision to tend to his wounds and stop hurting other people is his to make. Nothing you have done wrong at all. He's a complete fool to throw away this second chance with someone like you Yo. I hope he works that out sooner rather than later.

[UrsaMajor]

The path between reconnection and reconciliation is difficult because the Mid-Lifer really needs to do their own work in order for it to be successful.

Like KayDee and Treasur both wrote, it appears that your MLC'er hasn't done that work and was looking for an easy path to take rather than to face and deal with his own demons. Unfortunately, that appears to have taken the path of a long-term Touch-and-go. Since OW<x> is on the scene (OW2? OW200? only he knows) one can be pretty confident that he is still in

mode...... With a nice side order of cake.....

But, we all know what happens when one eats cake and still spins, right? At some point


The question remains though for you is how to keep from getting any on yourself because this is 100% on him - his actions, his demons, his consequences.......