[MadLuv]

I’m so sorry yo. I had that happen as well and I agree with Treasur that I do think it’s a little of who they become and MLC. I think old habits are hard to break when you haven’t done the work. My XH said the same. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He also stated he knew why he used those escape mechanisms and he was sure it would never happen again. It did and worse. He is married to the next mistake.

I do think in this state they become very emotionally immature and very susceptible to these new easy relationships. They make them feel good. They allow them to be who they are, because thats all they know. I think the fantasy for many is the driving force.

He just hasn’t done the work. It’s so hard that they can do this when they know how much pain this has caused to you and your relationship.  They just aren’t thinking that way. It is instant gratification and escape . There can be many different views on why on here, but the one thing everyone can agree on is it is not about you. Normal rational thinking people dont do this, period. That’s why it is so hard for us all to comprehend it all. We could never do it and we haven’t, even after all they have done to us. We never take that route.

Now whT do you do? Can you rebuild on this double break in trust? That’s where the big question lies.

[Yo]

Thank you all! I feel accompanied and supported! ❤️

Treasur, of course he didn’t tell me! I found out because the lady that helps him cleaning his house has been with us since D was a baby and she found a love note in his drawer, then I asked and finally he accepted.
I don’t know what I am going to do, definitely I am stronger and with more information but I am making mistakes like the first time.
Today I sent a message saying how sad and mad I was, I told him that I thought the first time he made a mistake and I was standing because of that, but now I thought it was a pattern and with a no possibilities of recovering the trust, of course I believe it but I shouldn’t have sent it to him! He didn’t even ask! I hope this mistakes are because this just happen and first days are the hardest ones!
He is acting like nothing happened and actually seems super happy!! This lady is treating him like a king and they are in the first love stage (I don’t remember hoy do you say that in English)

What I would like to do is stop standing, but I don’t know how!!!

And if you can tell me how to manage the situation, I know that I have to set limits but what kind? Because he is calling me all the time, with  D11 as excuse.

[forthetrees]

At times I relied on this mantra to train myself to let go: Sometimes the loss of the illusion is greater than the loss itself.

Sending you strength to muddle through the next few weeks so that you can grow stronger as the months go by. I am a huge fan of Netflix K-dramas (Korean dramas) and tonite they had a great line that is obvious but useful if you live it: The future comes after the present. (So deal with the present and leave the future to the future.) Deal with what is right in front of you. Accept that you cannot fix what is someone else´s internal issue to resolve.

[Treasur]

What I would like to do is stop standing, but I don’t know how!!!

And if you can tell me how to manage the situation, I know that I have to set limits but what kind? Because he is calling me all the time, with  D11 as excuse.

Well, at a simple level, you make a choice to change course, Yo. And tbh you probably DO know some of what you might do, you just don’t want to do it yet or you’re afraid of what will happen if you do. No one here can - or should - tell you what choice to make; we can only support you with tips and advise on HOW you might do something different when you have decided you really want to do something different.

And of course you don’t have to do anything different at all unless you really want to.
You could just carry on doing pretty much the same as you have been doing for the last couple of years. Only you know that benefits and disadvantages of that.

In case you do think you need to do something differently now, two things that occur to me.

The first is about teaching yourself to respond rather than react. So, as an example, you sent him a message and say you know you ‘should’ not have sent it. That’s an example of REACTING when we are full of feelings. What usually helps us to not do that is to breath, take a little time, distract ourselves by doing something else so we give ourselves the time to choose a RESPONSE that is closer to how we want to deal with something consciously rather than just about how we feel in the moment. (Understandable and normal though these feelings are.) I don’t know why you think you ‘shouldn’t’ have sent the message….that’s about your pov….but if it is any comfort, I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it bc one message isn’t going to change much either way  And we have all done it 

But our peace and our power lives in that space between feeling and action.
You can’t control if he calls you, or what he says when he does, but you absolutely can control if/when/how you answer his calls. Or not. And what you say if you do.
But that tends to depend on what we LBS are telling ourselves at the time….what we think, what we hope, what we feel responsible for and what we fear.

The second idea is a bigger one maybe, perhaps a more difficult one.
Perhaps you need to change the story you are telling yourself about what’s going on?

 It sounds as if for the last year the story in your head has been a story of reconnecting and maybe rebuilding your marriage. Living separately but not separated as such. I don’t know what that has looked like day to day….family time? dating? spending evenings together? more?….but now you know that this story was not the whole truth. Or not a completely shared story. And I’m so sorry bc that is a bitter pill to swallow.

So, what is the new story you think you should tell yourself about where you are and what is going on?
What do you need and want given the current reality as you see it right now?

Your h has the right to spend time with your daughter, of course, but there are ways of doing that which do not involve spending time with you or in your home or behaving as if you are still married or trying to repair anything or any conversations about your relationship or indeed his new one. I don’t know if you have taken legal advice, or how practically separated your lives are, or how formal any arrangements are about him seeing your daughter. I don’t know what standing means to you or how you feel about divorce or what else is going on in your life. I don’t know what you want, or what you see as your priorities given how things are.

But imho how you approach that depends on what you see as the story of what’s actually going on and what you want to do bc of what’s going on.
And it isn’t anyone else’s job to tell you what that story is bc it’s your life.

[Nas]

the loss of the illusion is greater than the loss itself.

I so agree with this. It really hurts when you think a relationship to someone is one way and then you find out it’s different than you thought. But it’s also a whole wtf journey of doubting yourself and the way you relate to others. It makes you question yourself, question your own reality and how you’ve interpreted past conversations. You wonder how you could have gotten it wrong when all the conversations and information seemed so clear to you when they were occurring. You blame yourself for “getting it wrong.” So the hurt is a combination of loss of a perceived form of relationship but also loss of faith in yourself.

Him telling you that you “are meant to be together” while the whole time he’s had another relationship going on is manipulation.  I won’t say words don’t matter at all because they actually matter very much in their ability to cause hurt in different ways. Words can feel really great, can fill you with hope. Can make you excited for what might be. Can give you something to look forward to, which makes the present moment more bearable. Some words can even give a dopamine hit in the moment. But they need action WITH them. Not an idea that maybe down the road action will follow - that’s our own hope keeping us attached to what is still just words. Words and actions together, not words with the hope of action maybe to follow. When the words stand alone with no concrete action around them, they are just words, and it’s usually not in our best interest to plan our own actions around the words of others that have no action accompanying them.

I agree with Treasur, it does sound like you already have some idea of what you want to do and just need to work through the feelings that have been brought up from this latest situation. Then things will start to get more clear. You’ll get through this. Hang in there.

[Yo]

Thank you forhetrees, Treasure and Nas, for being here and your advice ❤️

Yesterday I was thinking  about taking time to decide what and how I am going to do it, anyway there is no hurry and as “forhetrees” said “deal with the present”
About what you said Treasure of the two recommendations, thank you!
First one I guess I need practice again but I am pretty sure I can, but second… WOW a difficult one! I think that most of what I was living related to my relationship was in my head, OMG and now the challenge is what reality do I want!?
So I agree also like you Nas that “the loss of the illusion is greater than the loss itself”

Anyway I feel a little bit stronger as I said, today I had his first “touch and go” and I was prepare to identify it and I guess, control the situation,
he definitely wanted to have both cakes, and I make myself clear that is not going to happen, I agreed in having dinner with him because of D11 but just Saturdays, not in my house and just as her parents, not as a couple, and I can change my mind any time if is not working for me.
Maybe I am trying to be in touch but at least I am aware about that.

[Yo]

Hola!
As it was planned we had dinner together, D11 was attentive to every move we make, it was not nice to see her so anxious guessing what is going to happen, this was not nice at all.
H trying to be a gentleman and trying all the time to have physical contact with me but I was firm in a very gentle way . The cherry of the cake was when he drove us back home and he said to D not to worry because this was just a bump on the way and that everything is going to be fine.
An hour later he called and I ask him to be careful about what he says to D because he is making her think that we are going to be back together and is something that we don’t know for sure, he just asked me to keep talking to him.
This is an intense “touch” because it was sooner than expected and now I am just preparing for the “go”!,
a little bit nervous, because after a year of being stable, I don’t really know if I am ready to act properly.
I don’t want to feel sad as I used to after the “go” I just hope to have the strength and still thinking about if I am going to stand for him or called it out.

[thissucks7788]

I am so sorry Yo.  This is how it went for me at BD-- meaning I thought all was great with our marriage and seeing the texts with LO completely blindsided me.  So the reality that I thought I had...I really didn't.  I think one of the experts called it fragmented reality or something like that.  You know, I think once someone does this one time, they are more susceptible to doing it again.  (I say this as my H and I are reconciled-- so I realize this can happen). 

I know that you said you prefer to stop standing.  I also would be done if it happened again.  So I guess the question is how do you start to disentangle your lives together.  This is where I would start (in addition to grieving what I thought I had and the future I thought I would have).  I would also minimize my interactions with him as imo that would cause nothing but pain.   Of course, if you decide that you still want to stand-- just remember how you did this prior and were able to find joy again.  You have a bit of a roadmap to follow. 

Anyway, I'm so sorry Yo.  It is so painful-hugs!!

B

[Yo]

Thank you thissucks! I am happy you and H are in a better place! Enjoy it!!!!
I still would like to stop standing but I can’t feel it yet, maybe is a process.
The only thing I know for sure is what already happened and I am trying to have control and act.
I went yesterday to therapy and my therapist recommended “no contact” which is not easy because H is calling me or texting me all day long and I agreed to hang out Saturdays….
Anyways today  I told him that I changed my mind and the only contact we’ll have is about D11 or business, he monstered, told me I am crazy and the same old story, but I really going to try to be strong and firm about it! First time that I set limits

[thissucks7788]

You know Yo...I like the limits idea for 2 reasons.  First and foremost, with less interaction with him you will be able to heal much better--  Less rollercoaster and less monster.  Second, he has consequences for his actions.  He doesn't get access to the amazing you while he is with another person.  I think it is a step in the right direction imo. I also read that feelings follow actions. So maybe going very low/no contact will help you in your pursuit to stop standing.  Good luck Yo and stay strong!