[MourningDove]

Thank you, Reinventing, stillbaffled & UrsaMajor. 

I am feeling a little better, although I am tender and have been rather dizzy the past couple of days. I am still able to manage the pain with just over-the-counter pain killers and not having to rely on the heavy duty meds.

I was out with my sister for an hour this morning and came back feeling wiped out, but the time out of the house was a good change of pace and I need to get exercise. My sister's first college degree was in food science and she was a diet technician for years - so she is on top of making sure I am eating the right things to heal.

I have been resting this afternoon and D came in between her classes. It is her normal routine on Mondays, as she comes to my sister's between classes to work on homework before her night class.

I haven't seen D since last week, so she was surprised how much better I look already.

I will go home tomorrow mid-morning with D when she is finished with her PT appointment. I am anxious to go home. It has been good to be at my sister's for a few days, as it has allowed me to really rest.

My M called today to let me know that my F had gotten the mail and put it in my house, but there was a letter for Xh. It was from the county court - a jury summons. My M wanted to know if I wanted to call Xh and let him know it was there for him. I found myself feeling rather annoyed. My answer was simple - to write return to sender on it. My M did not understand why I couldn't find it in my heart to call him or text him. My question to her was, why?

I don't want him to get into trouble, but come on - he left 5 years ago. He didn't want me to have his address and had such a fit over it.

I do have his 2 addresses. His home address and his PO Box, but not because he gave it to me.

If he and I had a different relationship, maybe I would contact him. But, I have no reason to want to contact him.

My comment to my M was he made such a big deal about how he was not going to let me know where he lived and how he was going to be independent, etc. He has had more than enough time to make these modifications. He should have been an adult and left a forwarding address with the post office. Why is it my responsibility to chase after him?

Nope - I am not feeling that helpful. He is lucky I am wiling to even send it back, but then I also am not one to mess with someone else's mail. Oh wait, that is OW's specialty.  LOL

[forthetrees]

Great to see that your spunk is outweighing the funk. Let the healing begin!

Please oh please don´t try lifting heavy stuff- a hemorrhage would put a huge damper on 2021 AND prolong the healing. If you´re itching to do something, make a list instead and you know that the task will be waiting for you:)

I reached the point of putting mail back into the system with "Addressee unknown." If they are going to be secretive about their whereabouts and unappreciative of prior acts of consideration, that seems a natural outcome.

[UrsaMajor]

Please oh please don´t try lifting heavy stuff- a hemorrhage would put a huge damper on 2021 AND prolong the healing. If you´re itching to do something, make a list instead and you know that the task will be waiting for you:)

THIS!

I reached the point of putting mail back into the system with "Addressee unknown." If they are going to be secretive about their whereabouts and unappreciative of prior acts of consideration, that seems a natural outcome.

I went with "Moved, Left no forwarding address."

I figured that was better than "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

As far as mom goes, I guess I wonder why she is still soft on xH after the events of the past <how many years now>? and the stuff he continues to pull with S & D.

Speaking of that, did the support check ever show up? Maybe it is in the mail that F brought in....

[MourningDove]

forthetrees & UrsaMajor - I am going to struggle with the behaving part. Not because I am trying to somehow be superwoman, but I fear it will be tough to remind myself. Maybe not in the first week, but as I feel better, it will be a challenge to keep that on my mind. Yet, I do know how critical it is I listen and not over do it. Being in lockdown with this pandemic was sucky, especially being in pain. To be forced into another type of "lockdown" would be horrible. And, I don't want to risk permanent damage or cause pain that never goes away.

I have plans to have D bring my sewing machine upstairs and put it in the library so that I can do some projects that I have had on my mind. Things that will make progress but won't require strenuous physical work. I can work in my art studio. And there is always plenty of paperwork to do - like my taxes, etc that will be waiting for me.

I have been so fortunate to have time to rest at my sister's, but I am ready to go home.

My M called to ask me this morning if I still was okay with her dropping the paperwork off at the postoffice. I told her my thoughts had not changed at all.

My M has had a very hard time of letting go of Xh. She knows he has no one and he came into my family as almost an orphan. My M was like a M to him for a long time. They were in fact close. Yet, she doesn't want me getting back together with him.

My M has a huge heart. That is the truth. She sees what Xh has done to D and S, but wants to believe his good core will somehow break through. I guess at one point, I too had that wish and belief. I just no longer see how it will reappear in the near future.

My M is this way about people in general. My sister and I just had this conversation with her before my surgery.

Toxic Aunt's D has abused her body and continues to do so. Now she is having health issues. Trying to explain to my M that we are not without compassion, but at a certain point we no longer are feeling "bad" for her. That is, she knows what she has to do to get better. The difference being we are not going to let her play victim. Feel sorry for her addictions, but they are in her power only to change and they are in fact choices at this point in the game and there are consequences for those choices. She is suffering from the consequences. My sister and I have way more compassion for her children, who are the true victims. We do not wish her some horrible fate, but at a certain point both of us have sort of shrugged and said "that is not a surprise". And, it is not in some cold-hearted manner, just more matter of fact. Sort of a "hope she figures it out this time", but history has shown us that it hasn't scared her yet to stop.

IDK - it is similar with Xh. I really don't wish the man I used to love any horrible fate, but I am choosing not to get involved in solving his issues or even just engaging in any way. It doesn't serve me well. Sounds very selfish, but I tried the other method with him and that did not bode well for me.

Frankly, engaging with him, IMO might actually lead me to resentment or bitterness. Primarily because I don't see him ever being grateful for my help anyways. It is not like he is going to somehow call me and thank me.

This is not about being vindictive or nasty. This is simply me not worrying about his business. Mail for him in my mailbox that is still appearing after 5 years is just annoying now. I think he has had plenty of time to settle in and make those changes.

It sort of makes me laugh and it really is not funny at all. I have visions now of getting a call someday from someone needing me to make some decision for him because he has me left on some documents somewhere he has not dealt with.

I dealt with most of my paperwork during times of extreme stress - I did them because they had to be done. I knew I had to face them. I didn't want to. It would have been so much easier to avoid them and pretend they didn't exist.

It is much like dealing with a teenager. The MLCer has to learn how to deal with their own $h!te at some point. I would not hold my adult children's hands in this situation. Why would I do it with Xh? Would I help my kids if they asked for help? Yes. But no way would I do it for them. That is the job of a helicopter mom, and that is not me. I know how that works out in college for those kids - I have worked with way too many of those students. Support is good, but being babied is not usually very productive.

Time for the MLCer to grow up - or at least go find another "Mommy" - I am not it.

[UrsaMajor]

It is much like dealing with a teenager. The MLCer has to learn how to deal with their own $h!te at some point. I would not hold my adult children's hands in this situation. Why would I do it with Xh? Would I help my kids if they asked for help? Yes. But no way would I do it for them. That is the job of a helicopter mom, and that is not me. I know how that works out in college for those kids - I have worked with way too many of those students. Support is good, but being babied is not usually very productive.

Time for the MLCer to grow up - or at least go find another "Mommy" - I am not it.

EXACTLY to both... They wanted to go off and live the single life, they fired us from the position of assistant so ... they can go off and live the single life without their trusty sidekick... with all the responsibility and consequences that entails... and if they fail to do their part, to be responsible, well, they have no one left to blame but themselves... or Schmoopie... or the dog... or the weather... or COVID .. or the kids... or ... 

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - Yes, the MLCer decided to go another direction. He downsized.  Either way, as far as I am concerned, he terminated my position as his partner, so I should respect that. LOL

I was talking to my sister this morning and we both were a bit fascinated by my M's response to all of this. Growing up, we had support, but we were responsible for our homework and projects, etc. There was no part of M doing it for us. If we were sick, maybe she would drop off work completed or would pick up work we had missed, but beyond that - it was on us to be responsible. She was always there to help or support us, but she was more like the M that would proof read a paper if you asked. She might hound you about doing homework, but it was still your responsibility.

Neither my sister nor I could recall her ever doing something for us that we were more than capable of doing. And, that isn't to say like now, where because I am laid up, she might go and pick things up for me.

In fact, I was laughing. If anything, she hounds me about things to make sure they get done - that I do them. Did I remember to do this or that. IDK - I don't quite grasp it with Xh.

She ended up not even putting it in the mailbox with return to sender. She drove down to the post office and hand delivered it. Now, maybe that is what needed to happen. The woman working was very nice to her and thanked her for bringing it back and assured her it happens more often than one would think. She said most people don't even take the time to note it on the envelope. My M was satisfied with the response and felt like she had done a good thing.

And, maybe it is about that whole generation and civic duty, etc that is factoring in there. IDK. Or a level of respect that I know my grandfather had for the postal service and how you didn't mess with other people's mail, etc. I am not sure that is drilled into other's heads the same way nowadays. I certainly never considered it an option. I always put things back that are delivered by mistake to my house and let the postal carrier know. Or I have walked it down the street when it has been my neighbor's mail.

Either way - out of my hands.

I slept in S's room last night. It is the bedroom that is closest to the stairway and I figured that was my best plan for the first night on my own. And, he now has a TV in his room, so I could easily just relax all day if need be. I woke up several times last night, having odd dreams. But, it felt so good to be home, even if not in my own bed yet.

S's bed faces the east and sits under 2 skylights. When I woke up the sun was rising and I watched through the windows. I can see where this might be my argument for moving my bed out from under the alcove in my bedroom. Hmmm.

The dog, she has been very "attentive". Clearly, she is very happy I am home, but confused as to why I am not the one taking her outside. D stopped by the house, as did my F to take the dog out. D's BF will swing by this afternoon to walk her some more.

D had bought PJs for me and I am not a PJ person, but I have decided to force myself to wear them all day today. I need to be in this mindset. I caught myself twice, not out of some stubborn need, but out of habit where I nearly picked something up I shouldn't have. So, I am in "sick" mode today. I did pull my hair back and am not being a total slug, but I know I really am going to have to figure out things to make progress without over doing it. I can only watch so much TV or do so much reading.

I did start a list of things I can work on today. My first small job was to go into the library and open up all of the mail that had accumulated. The cat thought she would help out by acting as a paperweight. I shredded the junk mail and fortunately only have one bill I hadn't had in my hands before surgery to deal with and that isn't due for weeks.

My plan today is to force myself to relax. I do know how to do that. It is just tough when I know I could be making progress and get my house back in order. It doesn't help that right before all of this surgery, I had literally found new curtain rods for the library and den and would like nothing more than to install those. Simple enough - normally. LOL.

I will behave. Going to be a challenge.

However, being one to not totally dismiss certain things, I am a bit intrigued at the moment. All morning long there has been a mourning dove in the front of the library. It has not left the front yard. It is not injured. It just keeps sitting on the window sill or the picket fence post right in front of the house. It has not gone far. And, the cat - she isn't wanting to go out and chase it. She has noticed it, but she is not wound up and sitting on the inside sill even.

IDK - I haven't seen a mourning dove in the front of the house in months. They are aways hiding in the backyard shrubs, but there is not really a very good area for them to hide in on the front of the house. The bushes are much shorter and there are no trees directly in the front of the house that would provide shelter.

It could just be coincidence, but I do know that was what I focused on to keep myself sane when I walked off the MLC months. It kept me grounded seeing that little mourning dove when I walked. It brought me a sense of calm and routine. So, does it matter whether it is a sign from the universe or not - not really. It is what I am going to focus on today, to simply remind myself that I have to take care of myself, much like I did when the crisis was rolling in.

[MourningDove]

The past couple of days have been an adjustment.

I am enjoying being back home, but am frustrated by the fatigue and restrictions. And, I keep reminding myself that it has been only a bit over a week since my surgery. I said to my sister that when people say the word hysterectomy it has become such a "normal" surgery, that is, it is not that uncommon that we often forget it isn't exactly some small event. And, D, who is often wiser than her 20 years said that I should remind myself that for at least the last year my body had been feeding those fibroids and I have been physically compensating, so my body is in complete WTF mode right now trying to recalibrate. She is right - it explains the lightheadedness I am still having a week later from all of this.

Part of my issue is I feel so much better and because of that I am ready to get back to accomplishing things. Problem is, I am not supposed to pick up anything that weighs more than a gallon of milk for at least 2 weeks and then nothing more than 20 lbs for at least another 2-4 weeks beyond that.

I made the mistake of trying to take the dog outside this morning before S was awake. I realized very quickly that with the nicer weather that was not a good idea. The dog wants to follow every smell and it is not that she is off and running, but I can't reel her back in easily if she gets on a scent. And while she listens, she is hyper focused when she is on the trail of something. I was able to get her back into the house, but S scolded me when he found out I had been outside at 6 am on my own with her. I promised I would not be doing that again.

I made breakfast and tried to think of something I could accomplish today. I set out on doing a couple of loads of laundry, which I can manage, if I bring up a couple of pieces at a time from the laundry room, or I have S or his GF bring the basket up.

The kids have been so good to me. And I am very lucky, that I know. D has been coming over in between her studying to help out and she gets groceries. We have a little more work to do on her room, but she is in the middle of studying for her first huge exam in anatomy, so that won't be happening this weekend. She did get groceries today and she is constantly making me smoothies with all sorts of antioxidants in them and the like. She also checks on me in terms of making sure I am not overdoing it.

S, he is taking care of things for me without me even asking. He has been doing some things around the house. It would seem he and D had a conversation about what needed to be done around the house. I have made him go outside and enjoy the nice weather and have some time to himself, but today, he was working on his friend's cars and they too came in and checked on me. The dog, she was well taken care of and they came in to take her for a walk.

I snuck out of the house while they were off running errands and walked up to my parent's house. I figured I could use the fresh air and had plans to take a shower this morning, but didn't want to be chauffeured up there again today. I was amazed at how much better I feel walking than I have in months. I was tired after that small stretch, but I didn't hurt the same way. D swung by and brought me home, and I had to come home and take a nap, but it was okay.

I am going to have to take small walks like that and build up strength. And, I need to get out of the house, mentally. I am not able to drive until at least Thursday and so chasing snow geese is out of the question. They are just arriving in the area again, so I have a few weeks.

I thought I had cleared out all of my old MLC journals, but I also had never really counted how many I had filled over the course of the whole nonsense with Xh. I had hidden so many of them from him and had gotten into that habit in general, that I hid them from myself. I haven't journaled in an actual journal in a long time now. And it was such a good thing for me mentally before joining HS - needing to shake out and let go of those thoughts that crept in. The funny thing was, the one's that I haven't destroyed or at least had forgotten existed are the ones that I filled after Xh moved out. I had been on HS for awhile and had forgotten there were times I would bounce between paper journals and here.

These are not journals I am necessarily going to destroy like the MLC laden ones. I flipped through one today and realized these are more my "healing" journals. And in them, I realized how strong my spiritual side kicked in. Thoughts expressed that maybe are still helpful and remind me about my own core. They are not necessarily things that I would share in general, but they do indicate to me a shift in my own thought processes. A return to my own core values and maybe more in tune with my own beliefs, or an awakening of them. Perhaps it is more of an acceptance of being okay with being who I am and being more spiritual than I let on.

It also is a marker of a huge shift emotionally. A true sign of letting go of the MLCer and having new emotions that I was very comfortable feeling, even though I was confused in part because somehow I didn't think I was allowed to have new feelings.

There are moments of questioning whether I deserved to have certain things in life and times I documented the cycling in detail. Those triggers that would creep in. Questioning some moments where I was just learning to trust my instincts again.

I had one moment where I detailed this event where looking back, I am certain I was at the right place in my path, but in that moment, I was questioning it all. More of the this cannot be right, because I didn't dare trust my own gut. This connection with someone cannot possibly be more than my imagination because it makes no sense. The truth is, that connection never changed and maybe that is what scared the heck out of me.

The night I journaled, I am not exactly sure what had gone on that day, as I didn't always lay it out in my paper journals the same way I do here. I often times in my paper journals would go on pure emotions and write out feelings with no other context. Sometimes it makes me wish I had put more context in it to go back and say "oh, right that is why I felt that way". Yet, I can also look at it now and think how sometimes the same feelings apply in other moments.

The emotion that I described was feeling like there are moments where you feel like you are jumping out of a plane and trust that all is okay, until you reach for the cord to deploy the parachute and there is nothing there. Or there are the times where you feel like you were pushed from the plane. Each time you are in a free fall, certain you are just going to meet a horrible fate, when you catch an air current that somehow allows you to glide for awhile and you feel some sense of serenity creeping in, only to realize there is in fact a small safety chute that deploys. Just when you want to feel complete relief, the lines tangle.

Looking at the time frame, I think this was really wrestling with new emotions and figuring this was all just like not trusting my gut or my path. The MLC had so made me question my own beliefs and feelings for so long. Continually waiting for the other shoe to drop was normal.

And, life has been pretty brutal recently. I have been kicked pretty hard by some of the craziness that has been beyond my control. I know there are moments where I have expressed the exasperation and stress, but the truth is, for those who know me well, I have written it out and worked through so much more than most people would ever have an understanding of. That notion that I have been blanketed in constant anxiety is far from the truth. Yes, has it has not been easy, but I have laughed a whole lot more than most would even begin to know. The contractor and the demolition crew all commented on how much fun I was to work with because I didn't complain when things did not go the way we planned.

The toilet, for instance. It went in right before I had to leave for my sister's. It was down to the wire. The fact that they could not place it where I originally intended and have to modify my layout a bit did not phase me. It was not what I dreamt up, but reality is it was not possible without cutting beams and moving electrical lines - something I did not want to get into. So, we had to monitor and adjust. The reality was, I had to make a snap decision and I have to live with that decision. It means a slight change of plans. And, I left for my sister's with the attitude that I was happy to have the darn thing installed and I would deal with it when I got home.

So, today the kids have been laughing at me. I marked out on the floor where the tub is going with a chalk line. It looks a bit like a crime scene in the bathroom at the moment with all of the chalk outlines. I finally ended up putting a cardboard box where the vanity was originally going to go to see if that still makes sense. The kids were laughing, when I said I was going to draw an actual sink on top of the box for fun. And at the moment, there is a stool with a reading lamp in the middle of the room for extra light, as we have to move some of the electrical lines. I laughed when S's one friend went into the bathroom to see the bare walls - he hadn't seen the full destruction since the last time he was here the bathroom was sealed off due to the asbestos. He laughed and said the decor was "unique". I told him I was going to put in a wooden barrel and a shower head for the full rustic look.

I am anxious to get the renovations going, but until the heat run is moved, I am at a standstill.

I had the furnace repair service out here yet again yesterday. The poor service tech was the same one who has been here 4 out of the 5 times I have had them here. He was here both emergency calls. I assure him that I would not be seeing him next week when he was on call - I promised. The wind had kicked up the other night and the furnace kept making a banging sound. He was only here 15 minutes when he found the issue. I wasn't charged for it and he showed me how to clean a little condensation elbow that no one ever told me about. It was full of sediment that had shaken loose from the outside air. He said it should be cleaned every few months. I was so grateful he showed me what to do and I wasn't losing my mind - it was in fact making the furnace work a lot harder. He had checked that the night he was here, but it was not full.

And when I called the service company, I was actually laughing because they already know me by name because of Xh trying to cancel the service from them before he moved out, only to realize he was not even on that bill. At the time, he was trying to jerk me around - as at the time he was trying to force me to sell the house and make everything difficult. He was never on any of the bills to begin with. The house bills were always in my name, because he had other utilities in his name for work - we kept them separated out for bookkeeping purposes - things like separate internet for his work that was not on the same cable bill.

It is going to be a long few weeks with not being able to do as much as I would like. I realized today, that I would love to put the floor tile in the bathroom, but I cannot even lift the single larger tiles out of the box at the moment. they weigh more than I am supposed to be messing with. Sigh.

I will figure it out. I have made progress in other areas. I am down to just taking Tylenol at bedtime and the dizziness is subsiding. I just have to be a bit more patient with myself. I often have unrealistic expectations of myself.

[Seahorse]

Dove -
Just following along and so glad that you're healing and feeling better one day at a time.
I'm happy that you have so much support there for you, and your dog to keep you company.
Rest and recovery is your main concern right now, even if difficult for you.
Time will come to lay tiles, etc. 
Enjoy the ability to just... be...

Sea

[MourningDove]

Seahorse - thank you. 

I am feeling a bit better each day, but I am not going to lie. I am sooooo frustrated by these restrictions. I know I am supposed to behave myself, and I am trying so hard to adhere to the rules. I am listening to my body and resting, etc. But, it is not easy. Yesterday, I picked up a box that didn't look all that heavy and it weighed more than the "gallon of milk" I am allowed to lift for the next week. I paid for it this morning and it frightened me. It is nothing serious, but enough to make me take note.

S was joking with me this morning that it must be killing me and he never, ever would have pictured me asking him to do things like take the vacuum cleaner upstairs because I can't carry it right now. He was a gem this morning and took care of some things that he knew I needed done before he went back to school.

It is D's long day at the university, so I won't see her at all. The dog, she has been a bit of a pill. She is dying to go out and run. I have to be extra cautious with it being coyote mating season. They have been out and about at different hours and don't normally come in contact with humans, but they are known to be potentially more aggressive this time of year if confronted. They were howling the other night in the moonlight and it was rather eerie. The dog, she thinks all animals are potential playmates. So, my F has been here to walk her a couple of times today.

I am having some difficulty keeping myself occupied. I have plenty I can do, but I have to be creative about the whole thing. I had S put my sewing machine on the kitchen table. I figured that I could at least tackle some things and enjoy the sunlight in the kitchen if I so desire. Even that took some planning ahead. I can't lift the machine to carry it right now. And, I am not thrilled with having it on the table for any length of time, but I will just deal with it for now.

I have watched too much TV and have read every magazine I had in the house. I can officially say that I don't think there are any more to be found, as they have been put in the recycle bin now that I have read them. I kept one for S's former roommate, as it has an article on a local train depot and he is planning on moving up here soon - he is a huge train fanatic, so I told him about this place the last time he was visiting.

I picked up another book out of my library to read. I have all sorts of books. Last night, I decided to finally read one that I picked up on a whim before the pandemic hit. It is all about princesses in history that behaved badly. It runs the gamut in terms of the definition of "behaving badly". One princess decided to avoid marriage and became a very successful pirate. It is an easy read, as they are all short stories. Some are based on historical evidence, others are stories that are told throughout the years - oral history and there is not a way to know in some cases if they were fables, embellished or factual. Either way, fun to read. And, it is not a rally cry for feminism, as much as those untold stories which in some cases are rather humorous in today's context of what is considered proper behavior.

My nerd fix at work.

Last night, I also scanned a manual for S. It was an antique manual that is almost impossible to find. A friend of his loaned it to him. It was his grandfather's and it is the full mechanics technical manual for an antique tractor. One of the tractors my F has. S tried to find a copy online, but it doesn't exist. The tractor dealership said they were thrown out years ago, as people didn't think to keep them, so finding one is rare. The friend wanted to make a copy to use and put his grandfather's in a safe place on a shelf, but wasn't sure how to go about it. Turns out, it doesn't have a copyright in place that makes it now illegal, so I told S to bring it home and I would take on the task for the 2 of them. Two hundred pages later of scanning last night, I was inspired to go above and beyond. I repaired the spine of the booklet for the kid and put the loose pages back into the manual. S came in when I had put weight on the book to hold it. He had a huge grin on his face and wanted to know if I was trying to get this kid to cry, because he will be so touched. What can I say - it seemed like the right thing to do in this case.

This morning, I decided that I was going to go all out and instead of just printing out copies or giving them a pdf of the scans, I am going to rebuild the manual and do the proper pagination with different options for them - printer and digital versions. This is what happens when the graphic artist part of me kicks in. Damn perfectionist. 

It is keeping me busy and out of trouble.

I need a creative outlet since I can't really do too much at home right now. Even painting in my studio would be a bad idea. I know myself. I get lost in my work and would pick up something heavy - like the oak easel or something stupid. So, I am banning myself from that area for another week at least.

When my F stopped in, he brought me a copy of a book that was written in Belgium that someone sent him. The author had asked my F for some different information and he was working with this person for several months. The author sent my F copies for my sister and I to have as well. It is primarily about the history of a couple of villages and the families that immigrated to America and the research is extensive. It follows my grandfather's family in parts of the book. My F was so excited to share the stories and then he told me some things I never knew that are not in the book. It was a nice discussion over coffee.

My one cousin is suddenly becoming interested in family and the history. I think it was prompted by his F dying and his own near death experience. He moved back to the area and visits my F often. I can recall not seeing that cousin for nearly 30 years and now, he is the one organizing family picnics with his second wife and his step son. He has even gone so far as learning Dutch this past year, but he is a novice. My F mentioned that he wished there were a translation of the book available. I laughed and said that my own skills are rusty, but with his help, I will take that task on and create a translation.

I am still waiting on the go date on the heat run being moved in the bathroom, so everything is sort of in hold pattern. It is probably good with my desire to get at that space and with my restrictions. S joked he was going to hide all of the tools on me until he comes home next weekend. Probably wise. 

My M mentioned that my other cousin, who went through a divorce he didn't want, is now dating. The ink just dried on that piece of paper, but his XW dragged it out for quite sometime. Hiding from him that she had owned property of her own for years, etc. I had told my M that I figured he would be snatched up pretty quickly. He is good man and wonderful dad to his teenage D. So, my M informs me that he is dating a woman I knew in high school. She is a good person and while it might be a rebound for him, I am happy for him.

That said, I was a bit annoyed. LOL. I am liking being alone in the house with my kids off and doing things again, but I am a bit tired of this situation I am in. I have plenty of opportunity for "companionship" - that would be an easy solution. And, maybe it was timing of that conversation with my M. D had sent me a text to let me know of an event she knows I would love to go to. She was kidding me saying I am such a nerd and I had mentioned it is maple syrup season and I wondered if the one local place was going to have their annual event this year, since Covid killed that last year. Seems they have a plan in place for this year that is going to be addressing all the protocols. And, so the timing is right around when I should be back up to being able to at least do more at the end of the month and I love that place. It looks like they have added hiking to their event and I am so ready for a good hike - well okay, not yet.  I will go alone, but finding a willing partner in crime would be way more fun. But, I don't share these things with just anyone. I tried that with a friend of mine once who was more interested in when the tour was over. No matter - it is on my calendar and as long as the weather behaves and I am given the all clear by the doctor on the 19th, I am going to pencil it in.

[MourningDove]

So the evening took a bit turn, when I realized I was in a bit of an emotional spin. It had been brewing all day on and off. I was not completely unhinged, LOL, but certainly full of emotions. Like a bad recipe. A dash of anger. A pinch of aggravation. Sprinkle in some tears - oh had I added a couple shots of whiskey, it would have been the end of me for the night.

It in part started because I found an image created by one of my students from the university that dealt with last year's shutdown. It is a powerful image and one that just took me back to being in the classroom. Everything leading up to that point in the semester just all seemed to make sense. My path seemed so clear. I felt something that I cannot explain. Everything in my life seemed to just be in the right place at that moment. I remember one day in particular standing in the empty classroom looking out at the lake and just knowing I was supposed to be there in that classroom.

My own kids were off pursuing their studies and while it wasn't perfect, things were starting to line up and life was calming down in some ways. Or at the very least, even when things were stressful, the path seemed so much clearer. My career was taking off in a direction that was starting to wake something back up in me. My personal life was at least somehow making some very odd sense, even though I had no idea where it was going. There were just moments at this time last year that so much seemed to be falling into place.

Today, I am just suffering from being housebound and not being able to do much. That brain is working overtime and while I got some small things done and did work on S's book for him, I found myself just up and down.

Fortunately, I have good friends and people in my life who check in with me.

D called to give me her update on her class and where she was in her commute home. I laughed when she told me that I was right. That word "right" so rarely passes D's lips. She will say things like "you were not wrong". Oh, this had to be a big one - if I was right. She had pulled an 85 on her first anatomy exam and that was not good enough for her. I bet her that she probably scored in the top percentile and an 85 on the first exam was probably a big deal. I reminded her she is in upper level courses, that are much harder and anatomy is always one of the tough classes. Hahaha - yah, I was right. She said she had one of the highest grades. Someone else scored an 87. 

Another friend let me rant and rave for a bit. LOL

S called to tell me that his friend loved the book being all repaired and is excited about the new copy.

And, another friend wanted to ask advice about lingerie. I was cracking up asking her why I was her go to. But, I know why she was asking me. She knew I would be honest with her and not laugh at her. She was going out of her comfort zone and that is not easy. She really wasn't asking me for any other reason than she needed a good friend to remind her she didn't need to feel self conscious around her BF who adores her.

And she returned the favor by telling me that my emotions being all over the place are normal right now. She had the same surgery back in the spring and while neither of us had ovaries removed, it still messes with your body enough to make you feel like some hormonal fool. I felt much better hearing someone stating the obvious. Oh, I had surgery a little over a week ago - right. 

Of course, I can always count on my sister, niece, and nephew to help me out. It started as a group conversation. My nephew had made baked beans for dinner. He was telling me I would love his recipe. My sister informed me that he followed the recipe on the Grandma Brown's can. LOL. I told him that the next time we have a barbecue he can make those and I will try his concoction. He informs me he also makes scrambled eggs now as well. I told him I was disappointed he hadn't made them for me when I was at his house.

Somehow, my niece and nephew wanted to bring up when was I going to bring a guy to an event. Some guy? Hmmmm. I wanted to know if this was like I should just choose some random person on my way to their house some time. I don't think that is what they were getting at. What they were really trying to ask was why am I still always just alone most of the time.

Well, my sister was quick to pick up on that and thought she would be funny telling them about all the guys whose hearts I broke. I would argue that was not exactly how it happened. I certainly didn't lead guys on. But, my sister started to list a few guys that were very interested in me and I was too busy with my nose in a book to really take notice. She had the kids laughing hysterically as she started down a list. Oh, problem she really wasn't wrong about some of them. Wow. I sounded like such a b!tc#. LOL

The two that had them rolling practically on the ground were 2 guys in my sophomore year of high school. I had to remind my sister that I was rather smitten with my on and off boyfriend at the time, in all fairness. But, both guys in this case were in the brass section in band. She thought that was important for some reason. Probably because the on and off boyfriend was from there too and of course it gives her reason to throw the "one time at band camp" phrase in there. For the record - I never went to band camp. 

So the one guy was a senior. Charming and very talented. We were friends. So, I thought. Duh. We had gone to a picnic together with some friends and he gave me a ride home. And in the driveway he gave me a kiss. That shocked the heck out of me. I was pretty naive. I wasn't looking for the friendship to change. Well, why my sister was finding such humor in all of this was that guy, she deemed "Prince Charming". I turned down Prince Charming. It is true. He literally went on to work at Disney and married Cinderella. LOL. My niece and nephew thought this was hysterical. Yah, it is rather humorous if we put it that way.

The other one that year was another friend. He asked me to his junior prom. All was fine. I said I would go as his friend. It was pretty clear. Well, he started bringing me gifts. Lovely gifts, I will admit, but it was getting uncomfortable because he was from a very wealthy family and his demeanor changed. That is, he suddenly was trying to buy my affection and would tell me about how his family loved me and he was constantly trying to impress me with "daddy's money". MMMMM - No. The funny part about it was he tried so hard to "get" me. He really didn't. He went so far as to buy me a pair of cashmere gloves and matching beret. He said because I was an artist and I listened to Prince - yes, UrsaMajor is going to pick up on this - I just know it. Yes, they were raspberry color. My M just found the gloves and asked me about them when I was there the other day. I cannot believe she still had them. I think the beret is long gone.

My sister had me laughing and I told her revenge is coming. I wanted to know if I should ask what happened to her abalone watch. I could hear her H in the background laughing and saying he wanted to know about this story. My sister changed the subject by playing "Raspberry Beret" and my niece exclaiming she knew that song. Oh, I am just grateful my kids were not present for this smack down. LOL. I am surrounded by velociraptors.

The truth is, this mandated quiet time is hard. I am struggling with the inability to find things to do that feel like I am doing something other than keeping busy. I am having to remind myself that I have been in a down time with the pain for nearly a year and this feeling so much better is the turning point. I just have to get through a bit longer - being patient. Yet, it is also making it easy for my thoughts to travel to places wondering WTF is going on. My life feels like I had a puzzle almost reassembled and I knocked it off of a table and the pieces are scattered all over the floor again.

I will work through it somehow and I am not down. I think just confused about a whole lot and not too sure of much right now. I guess fortunately I have things I can focus on that I know have to happen.

Oh, and it didn't help that Xh did what I figured he would. He didn't send the support check this month. I am trying to decide how I want to proceed with this. I am not letting it go, but I so do not want to engage with him. He may force my hand and be getting a call from the courts. I am just too firetrucking tired right now to want to add more to my plate. Why can't he just be a responsible F? Oh wait - I know the answer to this. I love how he likes to just interpret the legal document he agreed to and then changes it when he feels like it. Well, I am not solving that tonight. Sigh.