Well, I have been so busy posting to other people's threads and providing you all with the wisdom of the Full Moons that I have neglected my own thread for 4 months so before I get shunted off to the Inactive Board (that I have also been cleaning up), I guess I should update....
I guess the short version is "The more things change, the more they stay the same...."
xW is still wallowing along and COVID did NOT improve that situation much. One thing that has been bothering me for a while is how often the kids have been "sick" and have missed school (when there was actually school to miss). I have been contacted by the teachers of both kids (different teachers in different schools) asking me what was going on and to both I had to say that the kids are registered with their mother and that I have no visibility of what is going on when they are there. Both kids have been spending less time with me since the beginning of the new year for one reason or the other. Since xW refuses to get vaccinated or to allow the kids to be (S15 is eligible but D11 was not and still isn't as she has no pre-existing conditions that would warrant it), they have been excluded from many activities.
I reached out to a "Parental Advisor" in the town where the kids are so I could get an idea if what I could do and how I could get the kids back into spending time with me. She, in turn, had discussions with both kids and found out a few things that I did suspect partially. For one thing, neither of the kids are overly fond of my partner because, unlike xW, we have rules in the house like no telephones at the eating table, meals will be held at the dining room table and together as opposed to in their rooms or in front of the TV (in fact, we don't even HAVE a TV in the living/dining room), "screen time" is limited, and there are chores that need to be done like going out with me when I walk the dog or, for S15, helping RD21 and RS19 Partners daughter and son) keep their bathroom clean. The other part though is that D11 (at least) are having to be the emotional support animal for xW so D11 doesn't like to stay away too long because "what happens if mama is sad and I am not there?"
Ironically, after that, the Advisor wanted to have an appointment with xW to discuss the issues and I told her (I am the one paying for all this by the way) that she should arrange it directly with xW as if I were to arrange it, it would come across as if I was attacking xW for her parenting (which it did anyway but that is a different story) so she did. What they discussed I don't know but xW was not happy and said that I should have told her if I was sending the kids to that kind of person. I responded that I did it to improve MY relationship with the kids and that she did not have a choice or a say in the matter as it was not affecting her. However, the advisor I guess told xW a few unpleasant truths about her basically expecting D11 to shoulder adult emotional responsibilities and that it was inappropriate.
D11 was telling me how she wanted to make cookies and xW said that she would help and then ended up sleeping on the sofa instead so D11 made her cookies alone.... D11 and I made a couple of batches of cookies over Christmas while she was with me so she anted to do the same with mom but mom was not able to do it. D11 also told the counsellor about xW sitting in the middle of the living room floor and crying (those were the VERY limited details I got).
S15, on the other hand, had the usual puberty complaints - I take away or deny him things as punishment for breaking the rules (yep, that is what happens when the rules are broken but in proportion) and he doesn't particularly appreciate that we try to go vegetarian 4-5 days a week.... If there isn't meat, he's not that interested.. Unfortunately, he is also overweight so a little more healthy food wouldn't hurt but vegetables are poison... Both kids remarked that xW doesn't cook and that they eat out a lot or, if she does cook, rice, salt and butter is considered to be an adequate meal.... S15 has started to learn to cook now in self-defense...
Speaking of S15, he's had a hard time lately.... Seems his ex-girlfriend started a rumor in the class/school that he raped her (he insists that they never even had sex at all) and so was being mobbed unmercifully. There was a great deal of discussion with the school, with the parent advisor (xW was all for trying to brush it under the rug and didn't want to get the girl in trouble so was apparently willing to let S15 hang out to dry) but, as it turns out in the end, it was a lie to make herself the focus of attention (seems the girl is a couple of cans short of a 6-pack, is a cutter, etc.) so I was glad that I stuck to my guns and pushed that S15's name be cleared. The girl had to tell the class that S15 did NOT in fact rape her although she denied ever saying that he had (some other kids in the class told the School social Worker afterwards that she DID in fact say it because they were there and heard it) so I am hoping that, after the Easter break, now that his name has been cleared, S15 can get back into the school again and find some sort of normality. What shocked me (and the parents advisor who was involved in the whole series of discussions) was xW's willingness to let S15 dangle in the wind while protecting his accuser from any consequences of her actions.... I guess typical for a Mid-Lifer - no accountability for actions...
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
My own life is proceeding relatively smoothly. Aside from the occasional trigger moment and sometimes hard discussions, my R with R is going well and we are happy. We each have those things that make us react more extremely than we would wish and we are working on that.
xW is still wearing the happy mask when I see her but, due to the sessions with the kids and the counsellor I have some insight to the truth behind the mask. I have often thought "What would I do if?" and have come to the realization that there is no way I'd get involved with xW again at this point. Seeing that she has taken NO steps to deal with her issues and is instead finding new things to blame her life on (Go Go Gadget, Victim mode, ACTIVATE!), I have no desire to try to fix things in her life (or anyone else's for that matter except my own or my kids) so, nope, not going to go back down that road.... She is still, to the best of my knowledge, single and has no one on the hook and she complains about having to do so much herself (well, that IS what happens when you fire your partner and say you want to do it alone) and, while I can feel sorry for her, unless it directly impacts the kids, she has to live with the consequences of her choices.....
So, that is about all the news that I can think of in the short time....
UM
Thread 37 - Blended, not stirred
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