[UrsaMajor]

unless he I and the dog want to go on a starvation diet, he wears clothes that don't fit. all those "normal" things that parents pay for...

  I know...was just a thought.

It is hard to get mental health treatment at the best of times let alone because of the worries of COVID. Even when you go outside the "state" system, and pay exorbitant prices ( my own sessions cost $165 US per hour) they are booked up way out.

Are there any resources for him through his school?

We've already gone through the school. That was how the rumors were recanted. The girl basically had to tell the class that it never happened although she said that she never said such things. Other classmates then went to the School Social Worker and told her that they had, in fact heard the girl say that so ....

The school also allowed him to have a "working in" time where he was exempt from exams (he had to write 3 in the main subjects in order to have a grade but the rest he got a temporary reprieve from) but he hasn't been in school for a full week since the beginning of April... He's missed at least one or two days a week if not the whole week.... He was in for 2 hours on Monday and left again.... and was out then Tuesday and today. The doc his mom takes him to wrote him sick for the rest of the week....

[MadLuv]

Goodness, you think if he isn’t thriving in his environment that the dr or school would step in, but no one wants to get involved. Courts and family services are over whelmed. Has your son ever expressed wanting to live with you full time? Where you live does it have the right for a child at a certain age to request? I feel I may have read in earlier that he may have some protective feeling for his mom and that wouldnt be something he would do??

[UrsaMajor]

Goodness, you think if he isn’t thriving in his environment that the dr or school would step in, but no one wants to get involved. Courts and family services are over whelmed. Has your son ever expressed wanting to live with you full time? Where you live does it have the right for a child at a certain age to request? I feel I may have read in earlier that he may have some protective feeling for his mom and that wouldn't be something he would do??

S15 IS of the age he could request to live with me if he wanted to. In fact, our divorce decree/custody agreement is very open in terms of where the kids stay. However, there are rules at my house which neither kid is particularly fond of like "No phones at the dinner table," "We eat at the table and not in our rooms," "We don't come to the table in pajamas and bathrobes," "Everyone helps with setting and clearing the table and cleaning up afterwards," "Rooms need to be at least somewhat clean." Screen time has a limit, while we are NOT vegetarians, we don't have meat at every meal, we don't use the car to go around the block (that is what bikes, feet, and public transport are for), regular bathing, regular changes of underwear, and kids go to school or to the doctor - there is no "Ferris Bueler's Day Off" in my house like at mom's so ....

You know, all those rules that make me a hard-a$$ that mom let's slide... We don't even have a TV in the living / dining room - it is in the TV room in the cellar with a nice comfy couch, 5.1 sound, and all

It is actually D11 that feels responsible for mom's well-being

[MadLuv]

Ahhh, well that makes sense. No teenager wants rules now do they. Thank you on the clarification on the D being the one. I thought I remembered reading one felt some responsibility there. Well, I don’t know how any of you handle this situation with kids still in your parental responsibility. This has been hard with adult kids.

[FaithWalker]

UM - I am sorry that you are getting less and less time with the kids as a direct result of your xW's MLC.  The devastation and collateral damage is terrible.  Is there no such thing as a truancy officer there?  Here, a truancy officer would have already gotten involved.  In order for S to miss school while we were in Germany, he had to go around with a paper to all of his teachers, get it signed, get his assignments, do the work before he left, and turn it in to the office for the vice principal to sign off on or it would have been considered an "un-excused absence with parent contact".  This is required whether it is the end of the school year or not.  Anytime there is a pre-existing absence S would need to do this.

If he is sick, he has to have a negative covid test to return.  If it is a recurring thing, and they suspect at all that we are playing the sick card, they often will require a dr's note for it to be an excused absence.  Too many absences and a truancy officer and the courts get involved.

When S21 was in school, we got a letter from the truant officer saying we needed to come into the school for a meeting.  S was only gone hunting for a few days, but the school marked him out those days, and then he accidentally got marked out on days he was actually there.  A quick call to the attendance office fixed the mistake, but meeting with a truancy officer puts fear in our hearts!

The non-custodial parent could definitely use truancy as a reason for custody.

I feel absolutely helpless for you that there does not seem to be anything that you can do as the sane parent to help better this situation for your kiddos.  Even though they cannot seem to see that despite Dad's rules, responsibility and rules = dependency and a better life outcome as adults!  Oh so wish they did not have to see this in hindsight down the road!

On an un-related note, we got to experience the Deutsche Bahn, S-Bahn, U-Bahn, etc. and sure wish we had something like that here.  It was nice not having to drive for a week and force gas down our tanks at high prices.  It was refreshing to see how many people bike, bus and take the train system and also refreshing to see how a lot of times it's on the honor system.  We learned about how Germans like to do the right thing and that there are hefty fines for cars breaking down on the Autobahn, etc.  Boy, the Autobahn at 175km per hour was a bit crazy too!  And that was in a 9 passenger van lol.  I sure wish we could have donated our Bahn points to you.  We got told we were losing so many every time we opted out.

It also seemed to me that underage drinking wasn't really a thing.  Take away the illicit and it's not such a big deal plus the teenagers can get on trains versus driving so it seemed like there would be way less underage drinking and driving.  That's all a huge problem in our city.  I did allow my kiddos to have drinks since they were legal there, and they didn't go crazy alcoholic.  Again, there is something to taking away the illicit in a situation that makes it just not such a big deal.  At least that was my view from the cheap seats.

[UrsaMajor]

Before I have to relegate my own thread to the archives for lack of action, I suppose I should update it...

Where I left off was with S15 missing lots of school due to various issues like MLCXw allowing him to miss school for every possible belly ache, head ache, "I feel nauseous, etc."  excuse as well as the real psychological trauma of being unjustly accused of rape and the school's failure to really DO anything about the accusations and him falling farther and farther behind.

To make a long story short, S15 decided to repeat the 9th grade on free will based on the school telling him that he would not be allowed to proceed to the 10th grade anyway. It then came out that he would have just had the grades needed to be sent on to 10th grade if he would have completed one extra credit project in French (Languages are required subjects in Germany in the upper grades) so he was feeling betrayed not only by his ex-GF that started the rape rumors but also the school for not being honest with him (and we as parents were mightily pi$$ed off at the school for that as well).

This school year has not started out a whole lot better and he was still missing significant school but his grades were acceptable... and then he got the 'rona.... That took him out of school for 2 weeks and when he went back, he was so far behind that he got back into the devil's circle of the pressure to catch up leading to psychosomatic ailments so he was allowed to stay home which led to him falling further behind, etc.  The school then called for xW and I to have a conference (finally! I had been trying to get them to do this for a while) to come up with a plan to get him back into school because he is still required to attend. He has been in therapy and his first IC said that there was nothing more to do and basically fired S15 as a client (S15 is a lot like MLCxW and doesn't do a lot to help his own healing in terms of IC). He has been and is in group therapy and that seems to have been helping him but he is looking at being put into an in-patient setting if he doesn't start going to school regularly. We had a meeting with his group therapist (who is also part of the clinic system where he would go) and the therapist really (again, finally!) laid it on the line for S15 and MLCxW in that, from the therapists perspective, S15 is finding it quite comfortable to not have to go to school and is exhibiting avoidance behavior and that, if things did not improve by the end of February, a clinic admission would be unavoidable but that the ball was really now in S15s court to decide if he was going to get out of the cycle and go to school or to go into the clinic. Basically, the therapist said that S15 had been packed in cotton balls for too long (thanks xW  ) and that the hard reality is that he needs to take some responsibility for his life and either poop or get off the pot, that life is sometimes hard, no one ever always had everything handed to them on a silver platter, that sometimes people fail and they have to get back up and try again instead of avoiding... you know, all those things that Mid-Lifers can't/don't or won't do...

S15 did NOT take that news well nor did xW but I have to admit thinking "This is what I have been trying to say for a year now. At least now someone other than me is saying it and it might have an impact instead of me talking to the hand."

In the end, S15, MLCxW and I sat down and came up with a set of rules that we all signed up to in order to get S15 back into real life. This was a 3 hour session of S15 being a typical sarcastic teenager with puberty issues (mostly aimed at MLCxW - he really laid into her about breaking up the family and having to move to a different town away from the friends he had before - it was interesting seeing her trying to justify that one - she looked VERY uncomfortable. I kept my lips zipped), MLCxW waffling around and trying to be his best buddy while trying to cajole him into being a part of the process and me doing my Joe Friday imitation and repeating the fact that S15 has 2 choices - get his rear in gear or get into the clinic. Those are the two options and he has the possibility at the moment still to choose but that he is going to have to roll up his sleeves and do the work, that we (his parents) can NOT do it for him. We will support him and help him but HE has to do the work and that he is the one who is responsible in the end for the outcomes/cnsequences...

The Rules that were decided on are:
#1 - No 2 media sources at the same time (Most of his school work is done via iPad and he would have his iPad on and open to school stuff while watching a YouTube video on his phone - he and I went around and around about this whenever he was with me) except music while studying - No audio books, no cartoon sound tracks, etc.  He could listen to music while studying but that was it. I personally did the same thing as it helped me to concentrate better)

#2 - No more computer games unless he is playing with real friends (people who he has face-to-face personal contact) and then for a maximum of 2 hours a day on the weekends

#3 - He has to study every day - we discussed a fixed number of hours but saw that as counterproductive as that could result in him sitting in front of his iPad and doing nothing for <x> hours a day - like sitting off detention. Rather he needs to study effectively every day, ensure that his homework is done every day and turned in on time with the measure being his grades and being promoted to 10th grade

#4 - After 21:30, no more screens - he complains of sleeping problems but has a screen in front of his face all the time and it is simple medical fact that the blue light from the screen prevents the body for producing melatonin which promotes sleep. The exception to this is on vacation when there is no school.

MLCxW agreed to this as well and she is really the one that has to enforce it as he lives with her 99% of the time.

The new school year semester started on Monday so we will see how it goes. S15 has been in school so far every day (four whole days in a row.... ) and he has a free pass for the first 1/2 year but from here on out, he will have to bust a nut, get going, and prove himself. The time where he (and xW) can blame the school or others is over. Now it is the responsibility of the one looking back at him in the mirror and no one else...

Meanwhile, D11 (now D12 since yesterday) brought home best grades in English, history, 2nd best in German and Math so she is really flowering and doing well in school. MLCxW allowed her to get her hair colored on the ends so D12 has mouse-blond/brown hair (her natural colour) with auburn ends.. It is really cute... for a 16 year old.... D12 is still a bit too young to pull it off but, again, what goes at mom's stays at mom's.... and D12 paid for part of it out of her own allowance (which I think is a good thing. xW paid for the cut but D12 had to pay for the extra stuff... )

We all (S15, D12, MLCxW, myself, my GF and GFD22) all had dinner last night together to celebrate D11 becoming D12 and it was really fine. S15 and GFD22 sat at one end of the table and jabbered away most of the evening (they get along really well anyway) and GF & MLCxW chatted away with each other for a good part of the evening. I sometimes had something to say but often was talking to D12 as well. It as such an.... no other way to say it other than "odd" situation but it was pleasant and peaceful and D12 was really happy to have 5/6ths of her "patchwork family"  there. GFS19 is in trade school in a town 90 minutes south of us so he didn't come up for the dinner.

GF and I have been together (living together) now for 3 years and, while the occasional "thing" pops up, we do pretty well together. Our kids all get along together with the only real friction being between S15 and GFS19 while GFS19 is a bit emotionally challenged and is realistically about the same emotional age as S15 so having two of them at the same time is sometimes enough to make me want to pull the remaining 4 hairs out of my head... Since S15 is treated like the little prince by MLCxW, finding out that he is not God's gift to humanity in our house has been a real challenge for him. He and I have had several discussions about the need to be "right" and whether or not it is worth the energy and hard feelings to argue a point to death just to be "right;" whether or not it was really an issue that was going to make a difference in his life or anyone else's at the end of the day.... It is the same discussion that I had with my mother when I was 16 or 17 and I remember it well... I just think that I was a bit more amenable to hearing it than S15 is at the moment... <snort> but I expect that my mom would have said the same about me.

And that is the last nearly year in a nut shell.....

[xyzcf]

Interesting update Ursa.

Sometimes it is hard to know with teenagers if their behavior is due to their age or something else....there are so many issues facing them, and the screen time  certainly has some impact.

Your S15's comment about having to move and leave is friends made me wonder if in the school he attends now, is he having difficulty making friends...kids can be terribly cruel.

I think your approach is great....working together with a "team" but basically being the "adult/parent" and informing him that these are the rules and he will follow them.

Also glad to see that you could be together for D12's birthday...

"GF & MLCxW chatted away with each other for a good part of the evening. I sometimes had something to say but often was talking to D12 as well. It as such an.... no other way to say it other than "odd" situation but it was pleasant and peaceful and D12 was really happy to have 5/6ths of her "patchwork family"  there."

I understand the "oddness" but I also think that if it is possible, our kids benefit .....I am not quite sure how to express this, but it's one way of them knowing that we don't "hate" the other parent because they have strong feelings for both parents, which they need to figure out.....I just think it is helpful if we can show them, how to deal with difficult situations and people and yet still maintain our sanity. ( and a family member, a mom or dad, is different than an acquaintance).

Thank you Ursa for all the responses you give to others here and the delightful "memes" which always make me smile.

Happy New year and let us know how S15 makes out.

[stillbaffled]

Thanks for the update, Ursa. 

Hope your son can see that, indeed, life is hard at times.  No way around it. 

Your daughter seems to be growing up quickly!  I can recall the days when you'd post that she would cry when she would come to your house.  Her new hair style does make her sound like she's older than 12! 

Like XYZ, I applaud and appreciate all you do here.   

Still have that motorcycle?!?!

[Reinventing]

UM, thanks for the update. It shows how an LBS can heal and thrive and detach from the MLCer. You were very intentional in the early stages of doing the work to heal and move your life forward.

That was great to read.

[UrsaMajor]

Still have that motorcycle?!?!

Oh yeah... and D12 LOVES it ... She went from "I'm scared to go on a ride but I'll try it but it has to be short and not too fast, OK?" to "Hey Dad, when can we go for a ride?" in about 3 months.... Now that it is winter, she is looking forward to spring as much as I am....    Neither of us is a big fan of screaming down the Autobahn but tooling through the woods on curvy roads is fun for both of us...

Sometimes it is hard to know with teenagers if their behavior is due to their age or something else

Isn't THAT the truth....  "Teenagers - you can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either." 

S15 has had difficulty making friends, partially because of the new school, partially due to the false accusations of his ex-GF and partially because he has been, to be honest, treated by xW as the center of the universe so he expects to be treated as such and other kids just don't put up with it. I have noticed that he has to have things his way, the rules have to be to his liking, he has to be "right"  and have the last word and that, quite frankly, makes it hard to make friends.  He and I have had several discussions about that as well and things get better for a while and then they go back to being "normal."