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My Story Re: My Story
#150: March 23, 2021, 02:43:11 AM
Blinde - first thing - please start a new thread. 

It might be helpful to copy and paste your most recent post over to the start of a new thread so that more people can post to help you.

My thoughts though - this is exactly what a clinger does.  They cling - it is EXHAUSTING for you and also for them.  MLC is rooted in depression and what your H was doing on that Sunday was trying to ignore what was going on in his head and play let's pretend.  But that's all it is. 
Clingers aren't always scheming or so manipulative but they seek to feel that there is nothing wrong with them and their emotional immaturity in dealing with their feelings means that they hide behind a facade and cannot keep the energy up. 

Read RCR's articles on High energy replayers.  They will have phenomenal bursts of energy and then blue periods.  I cannot count the number of times my H did that......It was as if he ran a marathon one day and then curled up into a foetal ball the next.

Be aware though that clingers also want you to take control so that they can rebel against you and validate their reason for leaving the marriage.  So for example he said to you " Where next?" He handed control to you.   This is an example of how have given him chance to say to you later "I did what you wanted and it's your fault I'm exhausted"

I remember clearly one day I was cooking and H was moaning about OW. (They were about 5 months into their R)  He asked me something and I said " Nothing to do with me H - I don't control what you say, see or do" 
He replied " Well I wish you would"   I think I put this on a thread at some point.

Can you see " Well I wish you would" takes the pressure off him having to "grow up" and control his actions and behaviours.
It also gives him further ammunition to check in and out to suit him. 

This is why I recommend a balance between dim and dark.  When he is away go dark and do not reply to texts or messages unless it is about the children or an emergency.  When he is with you - go dim. Keep your responses brief and to the point. No R talks, no tears and no attempt at keeping a conversation going. 

And if I were you - the new wedding band is a bit meaningless whilst he chooses not to be part of or work towards the marriage.  I took mine off and haven't put it back on for over 7 years and yet we are still married in name.  Having a bare finger reminds me that it is still my choice to work with H on our marriage when he chooses to acknowledge and apologise for what he has done. The onus is on him and my H still displays clinger mentality.

NEW THREAD though please.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

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My Story
#151: March 23, 2021, 05:03:05 AM
You will put your foot down when you've had enough of the BS.
Expectations lead to dissapointment.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.


 

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