[FaithWalker]

Good to read the update SF.  I like to hear that the signs of affection and money sharing are coming back.  I am sorry that your S is still struggling some.  The collateral damage to our children is one of the hardest things to bear.

Sorry to hear about the job woes, that is very unfortunate.  It's hard to go to work where you are bored and don't feel valued.  Pettiness in the workplace is just no bueno.

[Slow Fade]

Just checking back in. I peek from time to time just to get a feel for how people are doing. It's been a long time since BD, but it feels like a blink. S20 has started a job. Hopefully he is healed enough to be able to keep it and stay on the life launching pad! lol. I would keep him home forever if I could, but that wouldn't be fair to either of us. 

H finally decided to file our taxes together. After 11 years. Another small step out of the crisis. I think he thought he was going to make bank with the deductions, but our combined incomes put us into a higher tax bracket, he had 20,000 from his military retirement annuity so we ended up paying out about 5,000.  At least he has showed his cards with regards to income. He trusts me that much which is nice. He makes a LOT more than I thought he did and I'm trying not to be shocked. (or take a frying pan to his head  ) Still walking on eggshells with some things even after all of this time.  That's on me. An area I need to work on. 

H calls me a submarine. He says that I dive too deeply into issues with him when he's just operating on the surface. He doesn't understand why I trigger on things or think he may have motive's that he doesn't. Well H, once bitten, twice shy. However, to move forward, I cannot always bring that bat out to beat him with. 

H's S41 (not mine) decided to divorce his wife of 20 years. They had been living apart for 7 years, but continued to go camping, spend holidays together and share the care of their pets. He decided to announce his divorce at my S20's birthday party. (gee, thanks for the great news  ) He told us before he actually talked about it with his wife!  Come to find out he has had a long-term girlfriend that none of us knew about (did H really not know about her? Hmmmm) She finally got tired of waiting for him to make a decision. Does this sound at all familiar? The very next weekend we are all going out to dinner together so we can meet her. Talk about awkward. What do you say? And H wonders why I was triggered? Can they be that clueless? Yes. H actually said, "this is what he wants to make himself happy". Script anyone? Sins of the father? Sheesh! I feel so bad for his wife. 

All of this to say that even when they come back, they aren't the same person that left. Still lots of things to work on even though it's getting better. And trust isn't something that comes back easily. I don't know if it ever will. It happened once, it could happen again. The damage is done, and the scars still remain. H still doesn't own his role in this. Instead of blaming me now, he totally blames my Mom who was living with us. Nice scapegoat H.....  ) I don't know if he will EVER be able to own it out loud, but I think he knows deep down. I don't think he has the courage to admit it.

Just a little self-reflection after readying WHY's posts....be careful what you wish for. The old life is gone, the new one is fragile and a work in progress. You can pick up the pieces, but they won't go back together the way they used to. I remember being so frantic for a "formula" to bring about reconciliation. What could I do? How should I act? How could I influence him to return? He did come back but not from anything I did. I think it was sheer exhaustion on his part. (or his girlfriend dumped him, I'm not sure. ) Either way, I was ready to live without him. And I was ok with that. That is where the LBS needs to go. And IF they come back? The LBS gets to decide if it's the right decision and to be prepared for the rebuilding. That's when the real work begins!

[UrsaMajor]

I wonder about the trust issue being wrapped together with the Mid-Lifer's ability to "own their stuff." From the cheap seats (and one who does not expect to ever a) reconcile, or b) hear any kind of responsibility taken from their Mid-Lifer) I personally think that, for the  the LBS (at least me), it would help me to regain trust if the Mid-Lifer were to acknowledge their responsibility for their actions and their choices. Without that, I am also not sure if I would be able to let my own guard down enough to trust someone who had done me dirty.... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[Slow Fade]

I hear you, Ursa. I don't know that I will ever let my guard down. That was one of the issues I had to contemplate to determine if I could live with that.

So far the good is outweighing the bad most of the time. Can I live with that? At my age I think so. We are friends. We are not lovers due to his prostate surgery, but we laugh and we dream. We share our son who is the light of my life. I'm rambling, sorry. 

I used to be very trusting. Not so much anymore, but at least I won't be caught unawares again which has matured me in other ways that have been beneficial. I've learned boundaries and how to say no. Valuable skills that were somewhat lacking before.

Life is a messy and wonderful adventure. No one said it was going to be easy! 

[FaithWalker]

I'm sorry to hear about your H's S41.  So sad for his W.  I'm sure that it was very triggering for you and that you've had some ick that you've had to work through.

[Slow Fade]

Thank you FaithWalker. It is very hard going out with them and acting like nothing happened. I'm trying to be kind.

On that note, my husband's brother is marrying a woman from our church that he just met......third marriage for him and 4th for her.......I see a pattern in this family! I don't even have words. 

[UrsaMajor]

On that note, my husband's brother is marrying a woman from our church that he just met......third marriage for him and 4th for her.......I see a pattern in this family! I don't even have words. 

The WTF factor knows no limits.... Maybe it is an indication of their dedication to commitment? ... or lack thereof?

[Slow Fade]

Ursa, I'm not sure what to unpack from all of this.  I know H's Mom was toxic, but I hate to lay all of the sins on her.  I do know she was in counseling for a time but no one speaks about that.

Nuclear family, rather strict upbringing. But I do know that his Mom was always accusing his Father of having affairs with his secretaries. Whether that has any merit, I don't know. His Dad passed away shortly after we were married so I didn't have a chance to get to know him, but he was always kind and proper and seemed to be a doting husband. But we all know that all is not always as it seems. 

Someday I may look at things a bit deeper again, but the memories it brings up are painful. Both of his parents are gone now. H doesn't remember much from his childhood, BIL is just a strange person altogether and H's oldest son from another woman (high school) carries a TON of baggage as well.

We all survive childhood somehow! I don't think anyone in this human condition is left unscathed. 

[MadLuv]

I think many live with a guilt complex. I know my XH does. It drives how he handles everything now, specially his lies. If he never leaves OW it will be due to guilt and not love. Unfortunately some of the habits they come into during this are hard to break and forever become part of their new persona. I think that is why they have to show empathy and engagement of self with communication or living with the “bad habits” that they cant fully leave behind would hamper the reconnection. IMHO

I bet that dinner was awkward. Hard to socialize with someone that represents part of your pain and also who doesn’t represent the morals and integrity that is important to you.

[Slow Fade]

MadLuv it has been a long, strange journey for sure!

H is better and we are both different. I think we are doing ok ourselves. Just being outside and looking in at others is fascinating. (except when it involves you    )

I do think guilt plays a huge part of things. They really get stuck between a rock and a hard place. Of their own making of course, but the demons in their mind can chase them into really bad places.