[Keep believing]

Hi All,
 its been  awhile since  I posted.  Its been over 7 years for me now. I never thought I would still be here.  I too have hoped for restoration of my family. I must be nuts because of all the things  ex h has done and said. He has been a horrible person in every way imaginable. He has been with ow for 7 years.  They had broken up in feb 2021 until july 2021. I thought this could be it.  See in feb h had the kids talk with his therapist (I think he went to one for a month) My kids told him they would never meet ow. I think thats when it ended for those few months. When h and ow were getting back together h basically yelled at me and told me he didnt care and that he would bring the ow to family parties and the kids need to grow up.  Any how, I dont think that happened over the past holidays. H was so kind for those few months with me and we talked alot. Simple talk nothing serious. Of course when h and ow got back together h blocked me. Im not blocked any more but this game he plays im over. I will not play it any more.
But actually my question to you all is , h will not come by my house. H used to to maybe fix something every now and then but now he wont? Why do you think that is?  I dont know if it is ow or if h doesnt like the feelings he gets when he is here. 
When my d was going back to college , h was taking her . All he kept asking was to make sure her mattress was outside hence he wouldnt have to come in the house.  I thought this was strange. He must have asked 4 times to make sure the mattress was outside .
I did meet h a couple weeks ago for about a half hour  to talk with him about our d issues.  H just looks ragged.  Such old clothes that  are too small.
But I know I looked good.  Have not talked to him since.  As we were walking away he tells me to text him.  Nah , I dont think so. I would love to chat with him but I am not going to be his friend.
I myself am doing good. I am very independent and have a good job.  Good family and friends. I still have that missing piece.  H

[UrsaMajor]

its been  awhile since  I posted.  Its been over 7 years for me now. I never thought I would still be here.
<...snip...>
But actually my question to you all is , h will not come by my house. H used to to maybe fix something every now and then but now he wont? Why do you think that is?  I don't know if it is ow or if h doesn't like the feelings he gets when he is here.
<...snip...>

I am going to answer your question with a question....

Who cares? Does it really matter why he he won't come over to fix things or come inside?

We could all speculate why, if it is the OW, if he has crushing guilt, if he is just uncomfortable with the ghosts of life past, or any one of 1000 other possible scenarios but, at the end of the day, 1) it is ALL just speculation, 2) it is nothing that you (or anyone else except xH can control, 3) he resigned from that position when he left his home and family to take up with OW, and 4) at the end of the day, what matters is that you are able to get the stuff taken care of without his "help" or interference....

His outburst about bringing the OW to family parties just serves to show that he stil has his head planted firmly up his ... fog....

[xyzcf]

My guess would be that the OW may have insisted that he does not go inside your house or fix anything for you, but that is only a guess.

I think I used to believe that MLC would end and he would become more his normal self again. I see this with my own husband and others, even many years later, they are still quite odd.

There are times they reach out, times they seem "kinder" and then the door shuts again and we are left wondering once more. We get very good at continuing on with our lives.

I myself am doing good. I am very independent and have a good job.  Good family and friends. I still have that missing piece.  H

COVID isolation has made it harder for me. But still, life is good and I am glad to hear it is good for you as well.

[Trustandlove]

My own guess is that he wants to solidify his "I'm not coming home" stance.  Again, I say that from my own experience; my H had periods of coming frequently, then not at all, usually when he was in some way making the point about not coming back.  I don't mean that he was saying so outright, but these kinds of things happened when the children expressed their dislike of the situation, for example. 

Mine would do things like that after telling one of the kids that they "needed to grow up" and accept the situation; he probably felt guilty on the inside (mine has said that he did), and this is a way of lashing out somewhat.

It doesn't really make any difference in the scheme of things, but that is my guess. 

I, too am glad that you are well! 

[CallanG]

Hi All

I hope that you are all well . I had a dream about this forum last night so it seemed like a good time to pop in a say hello .

It has been quite a while since I posted , I think it was 2019 just after I lost my Father and Dog . and I first posted my story way back in 2013 . I cant actully believe that it was 9 years ago !!

After losing Dog I swore I would not get another one and then some asked me to re home a young female . I made the mistake of looking at the video of her and she moved in quite quickly after that . Madam is very much at home after spending the first 3 years of her life in a kennel and makes my partner and I laugh so much , she has her Daddy wrapped round her paw .

I see some names that I recognise and that sadly some of them are no longer with us .

The past couple of years have been very strange with Covid and I feel very thankful that my friends and family have remained healthy . I said it last year but hopefully this year will be better for us all .

Take care

CallanG
 


 

[xyzcf]

This is my own experience but it might be of interest to someone else.

There is often the question of how long before the LBSer is healed? I sometimes feel that some LBSers are in a hurry to say "I'm totally over this" in a relatively short timeframe.

I have just returned from a trip to the UK and Scotland, the war in the Ukraine, the upcoming first year anniversary of the deaths of my dog and my sister, the isolation from COVID and for some time I have been thinking that it would benefit me to have a session or two with my therapist. She knows how to deal with trauma, and helped me a great deal.

I found this therapist in 2017. I last saw her a year ago after the death of my sister (when I was denied entry into Canada to say goodbye to her or attend her funeral  ) .

When I went to schedule an appointment, I "discovered" that over time, since 2017 (which would have been 8 years after BD) I have seen this therapist 54 times. I had no idea.

And that is fine. Initially I required pretty regular visits with her and then resumed therapy when I was hit with a divorce via text message 9 years after BD, and again last year dealing with the grief of the loss of my sister and Kaci and the isolation of COVID, not being able to see my daughter for 17 months was very very difficult for me.

I am sharing this here, as Acorn would say, as an example of one. Perhaps to reassure others that this process can take a very long time and that the trauma can affect us, possibly on some level for the rest of our lives.

Before BD, I felt that I was a pretty normal functioning individual with lots of strengths and coping mechanisms....I had gone for therapy initially for about 18 months and then not again until 8 years after BD. (with a very different therapeutic approach the second time that dealt with PTSD.)

I am still a bit surprised that I went for 54 sessions, indeed, did I block some of that out??? I shall ask her when I see her.

Spring is here, gardening, golfing, less COVID restrictions, more travel but also fear of the war happening in Ukraine.

I write often here about acceptance. I value that I don't judge myself as to why this has taken so long. I do know that prior to COVID I seemed to be enjoying life quite a bit.....and so it goes.

Wishing you all a lovely springtime, hoping for peace in our world.

[Ready2Transform]

My BD was almost 11 years ago, and this week I am having my first conference with my "resilience coach". It's something that was on the list of mental and physical care programs from my health care provider, and I decided to take the leap. I picked from the list of coaches the one with a background in neuroscience. Despite recommending many times over the years that LBSs should consider reaching out to a professional, this is actually the first time I've taken my own advice. It's one of the patterns I aim to break. So 54 visits in, XYZ? I look forward to my own number reaching that! I see it as a win, that you have stayed committed to focusing on your own care and welcoming the accountability that an outside source can bring.

Will it be about my xH? In part, I'm sure. There was a domino effect that started for me 11 years ago. I was a stander for roughly half of that. Both sides of the coin hold their own setbacks and growth. Add in COVID, the legal challenges that came along the way personally with the divorce and subsequent bankruptcy, business challenges, political and world relations that had us all upside down for years, and the loss of loved ones...it left my once strong and determined mindset with some battle scars.

And grief is always an undercurrent.  Pets, friends, and people I took for granted would be with me for many more years. I bonded hard with my neighbors after BD, but the bulk of them were in their golden years, and I've just seen the last one pass away this past December. Somehow you're not expected to grieve so much when someone is in their 80s or 90s, but it's still very much a loss, and also a big life change when you are used to seeing them every day. My dad is my only family now, and I've started to feel a fear creeping in about that that I want to address more. I don't want to be afraid of building bonds. I want to think people can come into your life and stay. I know that there are aspects of the MLC experience that have built the neural pathways that are saying that to me.

So this is a continuing part of self-care and healing, and I agree with XYZ that though it won't always feel exactly the same as at the onset, there may be part of this that is always with us in some form. Like with childhood abuse, trauma from war, the loss of a child...you don't just zip it up one day and find yourself "done". But you can find hope in your future as you continue to adapt and grow.

Time is unique to all of us, but generally, I hope we are all making the most of it. Big hugs.

[Songanddance]

I think that healing is not a defined period of time.  Healing is also growth and so we can grow and heal without realising that we are doing it and yet we might not have what we call "closure" but we feel ok so perhaps closure was subliminal.

I have seen my T aka coach on and off since August 2013.  I saw her regularly for 18 months (18+ times) , I then topped up as I went through 2015 - 2017 (leaving my job etc) and have top up sessions with her everynow and then when I feel that I need what I call "re-ing" which could be "re-setting" "refreshing" etc.....

Healing for the LBS is subjective. Growing is subjective - the only thing to avoid is remaining stuck and understanding how easy it is to perpetuate current thinking or behaving which keeps you stuck.  Change is hard, growing is hard but I think that we have to understand that we grow for us and no-one else. We have only ourselves to live with. 

[xyzcf]

Happy Easter!

To all of you, to those you love, this is a day of hope. Hope that life holds promise and joy, hope that love triumphs over evil, hope for healing, hope for peace.

On this blessed day, I encourage all of you that in spite of all our pain, despite how difficult any holiday and special occasion can be we are fortunate to have one another and the understanding, care and concern that we show to one another...from all over the world and all walks of life.

Thank you to RCR for starting and maintaining this site which has been a life saver for so many of us.

I see in each one of you, this incredible spirit and ability to build your life, accept the loss of your beloved spouse and maintain your families.

I pray for all of us, our families, our wayward spouses, for peace in the world, the end of covid and that love remains with us in our hearts....

Peace to you all on this blessed day. Happy Easter, Happy Passover, Happy Ramadan. May there be peace in the world.

Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!

[Thunder]

Thank you, xyzcf!

Happy Easter to you and your family.