[Slow Fade]

H adored S so much but sadly S has taught himself the viewpoint that for H to abandon his family when he was a teenager meant that H never loved him and always treated him badly.

This was my S's experience as well. I don't know that he will ever get over it enough to have a "normal" relationship with his father. I often want to ask H, "was it worth it in the moment?" H has lost so much because of his actions.

I really doubt that any of this would have happened if H and I had been more open, honest and whole during our marriage before BD.  If I had learned not to be a people pleaser and conflict avoider....If H had learned to face his teenage trauma ....if, If IF!

Yes to this as well. Rings so true for me. So many similarities....

I miss you all, life is very busy for me at the moment, not much fun, but very busy and God is good to me

Good to talk with you Mitzpah. God is good, All the time! I love that you have dogs. And the Frenchie sounds adorable. My last dog passed last summer and I'm dogless for the first time in my life.  It feels weird. It feels alone. It still hurts. We lost 3 dogs in 3 years due to old age. H bought me two charms for my bracelet; one was an angel dog and another was a kitty for all the pets I've lost in my life. I would like to have ALL the homeless doggies! 

[limitless]

Hello all,

I recently saw an MLCer that I've written about (on and off) in the past.  Thought you all would appreciate an update......

Quick background - He was a customer/owner of a business that my previous employer did business with.  Married the Owner's daughter....worked his way up in the company....3 kids and many years later - MLC hit. 

He started doing heavy body training - bike riding - etc.  He and his wife took a trip to Europe - where he followed the Tour de France route on his bike - while she traveled by car each day to meet with him in the evenings.  At the end of this trip - they returned to notify their employees (they were now the owners of the company - having bought his father in law out) - that they would be divorcing.

Ended up he was having an affair with the wife of one of their neighbors.  He "left" the company (still half owner) and went a few years - living with his new "love" and avoiding everyone.  Surprisingly enough - the new relationship didn't work out.  He slowly started returning to the company - showing up for events.  At the same time - I was going through the wreckage of my own relationship.  His ex wife - was now in a relationship with the ex husband of the woman that he ran away with.

I remember a Thanksgiving - where he was sitting with his buddies watching football - while ex-wife, kids and grandchildren were all celebrating together - he called my boss on the phone.  My boss said he sounded sad...lonely.  I remember one of his ex employees telling me that after he entered into the relationship with the OW - he wanted her to join him as he traveled the country - going to business meetings and events.  But, she had her own business - and never had the time/or wanted to be on his arm at events.  The ex employee told me...that it was funny.  Everything that he wanted from the new woman - he had already had with his ex-wife.

Of course, MLCers are never alone for long.  He was in another relationship quite quickly.  She wasn't a business woman...and could join him on his business adventures.  I met her once when we had cocktails.  I didn't want to like her - but she was friendly and nice enough. After a few years - they married.

Fast forward to this past weekend.  My old boss finally retired - and I attended the retirement party.  Also in attendance - Mr. MLC - minus wife.  I had heard that they were divorcing....after 7 years.  Not surprised.  We had a few moments to speak to each other.  He said some very interesting things.  He introduced me to his companion for the party (a male co-worker) - he said that after he left his very nice first wife that I was cool to him for a very long time.  I corrected him - no - I was cold.  He smiled.  Yes.  You were very cold.  And I understood why.  He said - I just want to let you know that Karma is a b!tc#.  And he smiled.  I replied....yes she is!

From what I hear from others - he is unhappy about his divorce - and cannot stop saying positive things about his first wife.  (I think she is still involved with the same partner - but not married).

How long did all of this take?  I'd say too long.....10 to 15 years. 

Is he through his crisis?  I don't know.  He seems to be aware of the mess he's made of his life...and he seems to have put the responsibility in the right place - HIM.

In the end - he spent 10 - 15 years searching for something he already had in his life.  A story often told.....

L

[Dragonfly33]

Thanks for sharing this story Limitless.

[Songanddance]

In the end - he spent 10 - 15 years searching for something he already had in his life.  A story often told.....

Quite and I see this in my H beginning to happen and odd that we are now 10 yrs on from BD.

[xyzcf]

From July 25, 2022:

Our family, Mr. xyzcf, our daughter and son in law just spent 4 days together. We have done this several times

aka Ground Hog Day! 

Fast forward one year:

We just spent 4 days together as a family, in my home and as always a "nice time was had by all"....

There are activities (this year a ghost walk tour, adventure golf as always and seeing the Barbie movie with my daughter)...always food and beverages, laughter, pictures taken.

In the past year, I was with him twice for surgeries, we spent Christmas together as a family in my home, rented an airbnb in Florida for a week and saw one another a few times, just the two of us.

No expectations. I have changed and so has he and our lives have gone in very different directions.

I have no idea really if he is "happy" or not, if he is still "running" or not...although I suspect he is ...but then again, his idea of a "good" life varies considerably from mine.

I don't want to know anything about his life...so I ignore him when he talks about his travels and his "friends" and I don't share anything about my personal life with him. Superficial fluff. Doesn't upset me like it once did.

I do find it tiring but then I am 14 years older than when he discarded me.

I have a couple of trips planned, a river cruise in Europe in the fall, a golf week in the spring. My life is BUSY. and peaceful..don't quite know how I found time to work full time before.

Our daughter sees his "strangeness" and I find it helpful when we occasionally compare notes about what we are witnessing..the person he was before and the person he has become. He is irritable but then many of my friends find their husbands irritable it seems.....I wonder if part of this is hormonal.

It is always fascinating to me to see him in person, even though there is always some pain...for the memories I have of our life together are very very sweet.

The one word I would use to describe him is "lost". If he ever finds himself, I will certainly let you know. Although after many years of HS stories, it does seem like some MLCers seldom find what they are looking for.

[MadLuv]

How interesting that you both don’t share what’s going on with each other. What do you talk about when alone? It does help when your kids can see what you see. It’s sad also, but he is at least involved and you all get together. Honestly that is what I hoped for, but I don’t see that now happening. So, your situation isn’t I am sure what you hoped for at the beginning, it also is not the worst case scenario either. 

I am sure it is still a little struggle to keep things superficial with no depths with someone you will always love and would love to share with. You do wonder as years and years go by what they tell themselves to keep going. What the hope is that they have or looking for. To me it seems more like they just exist. Not truly happy but not miserable either. IdK… just rambling

[OldPilot]

wonder if part of this is hormonal.

More like a lack of hormones.

I am the same age as he is and the lack of hormones is definitely noticeable in me.

Higher percentage of estrogen to testosterone make me cry more and have less stamina.
I certainly feel it!

[xyzcf]

A little Sunday morning musings about relationships.

I went to see the play Beautiful. The Carole King Musical yesterday. It was fabulous.

Carole and Gerry Goffin fell in love when they were quite young. She became pregnant and they married. Together, they wrote incredible music and became successful songwriters making good money and living "the life".

As far as I could tell, Carole was a good wife and mother. As far as I could tell, Carole did nothing "wrong".

Gerry started having an affair, he felt suffocated with his life with Carole. They separated and eventually he returned. Had another baby. At times Gerry would become very volatile. He started going out to night clubs, entered into another affair and they ended up divorcing. He did suffer from some type of mental illness and was hospitalized, perhaps bipolar was what I read.

Later, he told her he was sorry, he never meant to hurt her.

Somehow, on top of the emotional reaction that I have to her songs, there is some sort of parallel...some "mental health issue", that did not stop Gerry from his writing, a feeling of being suffocated and wanting to hang out in nightclubs and have other partners, not wanting the responsibilities that came with fatherhood and being a husband.

I often write about how I believe that MLC is due to some "dis-ease". That belief is what allows me to remain in contact and sometimes, to feel sorry for Mr. xyzcf. Somehow Gerry's actions, his affairs, his clubbing, substance use, turning his back on his family, his success as a writer, resonated with me of what we see in the MLCer.

I am guilty of thinking that true love never fails. Maybe I believed the fairy tales I read as a child. I think what struck me about this play, Carole did nothing "wrong". He left her anyway. As I read HS  posters asking "why", it reminds me that it is multifaceted and sometimes it is just the makeup of our spouse that has to leave because this is not what they want, not the life they want to live.

[MadLuv]

I love Carole king and have followed her career and life. I think there was a huge aspect of competition for him in the marriage. After he left her she rose to fame and he never achieved what he did with her.  I do think emotionally people with identity issues can be very emasculated in a relationship when one partner may be stronger, wiser etc. I definitely helped my husband rise in his job and he used every but of my knowledge until he made it and then he started resenting it. They don’t communicate that and you have no idea the relationship has changed. That’s how I see Carole Kings marriage. He couldn’t handle her being more talented. What a shame. She really loved him.

[limitless]

Beautiful was a wonderful play.  I knew that Carole King had written many songs, but had no idea the total volume and variety.  She is a true talent.  Gerry was a wonderful lyricist.  His words were poetry on a page.  But, he was deeply flawed.  A Peter Pan who never wanted to grow up.  Marriage, children, a wife - that was all too much for him.  So he ran away to younger - single women - to feel young.  And, yes, his success was working with her.  He was weak - he was flawed. 

While Carole did - nothing wrong - she went on to  make very poor choices in men.  Another husband was very abusive and I believe her daughters had to help her get away from him. 

What a talent she was/is.  What poor choices she made for herself.  If there was anything that she did wrong - it was to not realize her own value. 

Just my humble opinion.

L