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Author Topic: My Story MLC husband, looking for help and ideas

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My Story MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#50: June 18, 2021, 06:22:51 AM
Thank you SS for you kindness,
Just wanna understand a bit more about you, how long has your W been threatening to leave without actually doing it? Like years? During that time she still comes home almost every day or has disappeared for a while?
And us, the one who's still sane, we will have to live without a lover and a partner for many years without ever really knowing when loneliness ends, like is it the only choice for us in case we want to keep the family?
Thank you for your understanding and vision.
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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#51: June 18, 2021, 09:45:38 AM
HI V,

Mine threatened nonstop, especially at the beginning. It took a good year before her threats to leave ("to run") quieted down...... but then it moved into a different form of running, which was to go away and "see her mom" every so many months. This has only increased over time and I suppose fulfills her need to "run". At last count (by my estimation) she is averaging 1/3 of the year gone...... which is a different pretense than most MLC'ers (they just go with no announced intention of returning) but the end result is the same: it's a *POOF* and they're gone. Is it temporary? Is it permanent? You never know. It is universal that they all have a strong desire to run away to one extent or another...... even if it's just as a fantasy and they never actually move a finger. They can never outrun themselves, so no matter what they do they are still in the same place (locked inside their own mind that they so wish to get away from).

For me, it's just over two years of W threatening to run, and then actual running. Does she know why she runs? Nope, but that isn't to say she isn't trying to understand. She's given me a few different explanations, none of which line up with anything she says previously...... so she's still searching. As a matter of fact, she gets back today and I'd imagine she will tell me something new which will be whatever she believes to be true today, and mean nothing tomorrow.
It is quite sad, to see our spouses so confused and lost. All we can be is a light that hopefully, someday leads them home, but stumbling thru the fog is their journey.

Do we lose a lot during their time away? Yes, but we also gain a lot too. Personally, I think what is gained is worth so much more then what is sacrificed....... but living without a partner, a lover, a confidant...... yup, it's tough. Not what anyone would willingly choose blindly. There are no guarantees, just hope. I can say however, that the loneliness does diminish somewhat as time goes on and detachment takes hold. As you get stronger, this only increases. It isn't the end of the world, just the start of a different one.

-SS
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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#52: June 20, 2021, 05:37:08 PM
Dear SS,
Thank you very much, understanding your problem gives me some good insights. I am learning to grow mentally strong like you during the last few years, because yes i've got years like this ahead.

During the last few days, MLC H decided to leave and told me he planned to leave this week. He was pretty cold, mean and brutal (not violent) to me about this, like denying all ties with family and me and our past together. Then out of nowhere and even out of my plan, I made a move telling him something, which was at first just me telling my negative emotion about him leaving, but then looking back i realize he perceived it as a major threat. He thought I threatened him that he would lose his legal freedom in case he moves out (which again I have to say just me telling my negative emotion leading to this side effect). So now he stays because he think he has to stay, because if he moves out there's gonna be serious legal issues for him. He even called his parents telling them I was threatening him and asking them what he should do, and father-in-law (old peaceful man) even texted me and said "please kindly be peaceful and forgiving even if you two break up or stay together". Yesterday he looked really cornered at a dead end and told me, "ok then i'll stay like this for a few years". I have to say I absolutely didn't mean to create this effect.

He still chitchats and meets with other woman occasionally (she was pushing him to rent a flat for them to live together and he was willfully agreeing to do it quick before my move). And right now he plays gamble online all night and day to make money. And play guitar all day during last few days. It's covid social distancing in my place so there's no place to go out except for OW's house or hotel or friends' house, so most of the time he's home.

I would like to ask a new question: Before this crisis and depression, he was kind of an artist with head on the cloud sometimes, and now in this depression he is still one (playing guitars a lot). So looking at the situation, he stays because he perceived and was scared of a legal threat that would result in him losing legal freedom if he moves out. Do you think there is any danger for me and kids about this?

For my side, him staying at home helps me a bit: The small kids still see father so they're ok no questions asked, he helps with what he can do around the house (not very willfully but not so bad), his finance is not spent in renting a house or in OW, and most importantly he is here that means he doesn't build a life elsewhere so that's more chance for our family to be family again in the very far future. I have a wish it could be just like this until he came out of MLC, but I am also aware that now he thinks of me as a terrorist, there might be dangers involved, and things wont not just be like this for long. Just that I couldn't think of anything better right now. For me, now i am detaching and putting efforts in me and the kids, moving ahead, making new friends and even dating a bit while trying to work out with myself I should divorce him or not. I still cook dinner for everyone involving him to join, do all the housewife's work with a maid, he has to do nothing, and we dont argue and dont fight, just low-tone talks.

Can my friends here give me advice and your thoughts on this, like you have been doing fantastically up to now in this thread? I am always so grateful to be here.

Thank you,
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« Last Edit: June 20, 2021, 05:55:42 PM by valentine4ever2021 »

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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#53: June 20, 2021, 10:24:54 PM
Hi V,

Maybe this will help some, and maybe not....... each one is different.

What you're describing about the "threat" you posed to him: That is pretty normal for most of them. They twist things into what they need them to be. Often (but I assume not always) they have a need to be the victim. It allows them to justify themselves. So if you are "the big meanie who is holding him hostage", then that is the role he's trying to place you into. Don't fret, this is very typical. I think most of us LBS's find themselves painted as some kind of villain in the beginning (I was), and it is a very disconcerting place to find yourself. The MLC'er will also recruit others (like his parents) to take his side and further justify his twisted reality. After all, if they confirm what he's thinking/feeling..... then he must be right, right?  ???
It that kind of logic they need to keep doing what they're doing..... but don't think that other people can talk them out of it either..... if someone did, he'd just cut them out of his life. This is a very typical thing also....... this is why old friends and honest family will often be discarded in the early days of MLC and not be reconnected until the end. He will be looking for cheerleaders, only later will he understand these people didn't do anything good for him.

Now, you did do something very good, but it probably feels like you did something bad..... and that was to say what YOU felt about the situation. He didn't like that at all, and they never do, especially if it suggests that they are wrong. He will probably do one of two things: 1. Not care and discard what you say. OR 2. Consider it, even though he hates it.
It sounds like he is considering it, because at least for the moment, he's staying. This is good, and probably without that pause he would be closer to the door (maybe, we'll never know).
Running the clock is not a bad thing. He will go thru stages, and his descent will only last so long until he evens out. They all even out, but that doesn't mean climbing out of the pit.... they can stay down in it's depths for a long time. You just don't know what will happen until it does. Still, having him home and hoping that he evens out before leaving is a good thing.

Here is one thing to be aware of: He will interpret just about anything to be manipulation, and he will rebel against it. So while you stated your feelings, and that is good..... now he knows. There is no need to repeat it unless he asks. It's time to leave him alone. He will float all over the place. He will need to manufacture hostility to maintain the story in his brain about you. If this can be undone, that is a good thing. I my sitch (and I assume others) W needed to push my buttons to try and provoke me..... I never let her get under my skin. This made her very angry, but I would not be moved. I would not be angered. I would not show emotion. I would suggest that you do the same. It will frustrate your MLC'er...... until he realizes that you are not playing his game, and that you are not standing in his way. Just let him pass by. No resistance, just let him be. He will choose what he does, you have no power over this. Removing the conflict robs them of their power...... at least from coming from you. They may feed off something else, but you standing your ground is needed for respect. You told the truth, now get on with your life, your kids and do what you need to do. He has to see that you are strong..... he's expecting you to be a ball of mush without him. He's expecting you to be weak without him. He's expecting you to chase him. Deny him this narrative and focus on you. It will be hard, but you can make it, and you can do it without scrapping him off. You can still love, still hope, still hold..... while detaching and giving the time and space he needs to progress. It will probably get worse before it gets better, so as it gets darker.... just know that this is the way it has to be.
In time, you will continue to get stronger, and later you will reach a place (after many questions, and searching for many answers) if you will stand for your marriage or not. It's not something you need to worry about now, or about what will happen in the future. All that will come naturally in time, one step at a time.

Keep journaling, as often as you can. Get those thoughts, feelings and questions out of your brain, and out loud so they can be worked on. People here will help as best they can. Growth is on the way, and already happening in you.  :D 

-SS
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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#54: June 21, 2021, 08:23:10 AM
Great thoughts from SS - I would agree with what he said. You have expressed yourself, now do the very best you can to focus on yourself, your own life, the kids. Know that he is completely focused on himself and will twist the details of your shared life to fit his narrative and to justify any selfish things he wants to do. He is looking for external sources of happiness and meaning in his life, not realizing that we each create those things for ourselves. He’s got to figure that out for himself, and you also have to figure out how to do that for yourself. It’s not always a smooth road, and you will have ups and downs - but the more you detach yourself from his crisis, the more you can take ownership of your own emotions.

I journaled here a lot earlier in my W’s crisis (or maybe transition), and I still read here and post fairly regularly, though a bit less often as the months go on. I still do a lot of thinking about the situation, and of course with a live-in MLCer there is a lot of awareness of them. But over time, we find our strength, we find our true, authentic selves - not the spouse, but the individual self. We realize that we are more than a spouse, certainly more than an LBS, and we move forward. Journal as much as you find helpful for your situation, be kind to yourself, and know that you have a support system here to lean on.
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#55: June 25, 2021, 07:05:00 PM
Thank you SS and Curiosity,
It's been one long week since I posted here and got amazing responses from you. I kept coming back here and read your reply for like 10 times for reassurance. It gives me a lot of insights and good feelings.

This time last week he told me he'd leave immediately. But after my "threat", he was scared and decided to stay to "get things done in a peaceful way" with me before leaving. But things with me take time: I don't file for divorce and he said he would never file for divorce without me agreeing on that because he was scared of my "threat", so he said he may have to stay here for a long while, but he wont surrender and will leave eventually. His version of the truth is that I am taking him "hostage" by a threat. So yes last week he's been staying at home most of the time during last week, playing guitar alone, gambling online all the time, went out three four times to work or meet OW briefly (3-4 hours out only) and usually chatted with her on phone until 2-3am every night. He has most dinners with me and kids, almost no contact with me, and maintains roughly 60-min interaction with kids everyday including shouting at them one moment and sweet talking to them the next moment.

Me, in this first week of living almost a single-mom's life, I moved to my son's room and worked there all the time, leaving H in our room alone to avoid contact. There are days I wake up feeling like $h!te unable to believe I am losing the happy family, there are days I wake up OK. I still take good care of kids (D4, S8), the home, cat and dog. I still eat and sleep well, make money, watch movies, read books, do skincare every night, but I am very sad and uncertain about the future.

There's this thing that friends here tell me to not do, but I did it anyway because I cant stand the absolute loneliness. So I started talking to an attractive guy online, we have so much in common to talk about (movies, books, life, philosophy...) and I can feel we start to have feelings about each other both mentally and physically. But we don't meet because he lives in a different city and I feel safe about it. I know this kind of rebound thing mostly goes nowhere, but it's really a nice distraction from all the pains I am going thru, and it makes me feel good and gives me positive energy to be fully functional everyday. Because I think if this MLC takes years, I cant just live without anything during that many years, I have to have some kind of fun at least as I'm still young and pretty. And the feeling of being wanted by attractive men brings me good vibe to live on I must confess. What's your advice and comment on this?

Thank you
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« Last Edit: June 25, 2021, 07:53:56 PM by valentine4ever2021 »

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Re: MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#56: June 26, 2021, 04:42:41 AM
Repost from prior entry:

Resist the urge to find another relationship to bolster your own self-worth. Find ways to soothe yourself and bolster yourself that involve nature, new skills, female friendships. This is a traumatic event and you are likely in NO way ready to engage in a relationship with someone else. (Broken attracts broken and right now, you are broken.) You are doing the same thing as your H- looking for an external source of happiness. Instead, consider the harder path of finding internal contentment. Once you do that, you will radiate that calm.


Relax about your ticking clock on your youthful appearance- remember, residents of nursing homes fall in love:) Take time to befriend yourself. Just as his pursuit of happiness is a fool´s errand, your pursuit of attention from someone else in your current emotional state is also one.

Know that you will get stronger and stronger over time going from surviving to thriving- really.
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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#57: June 26, 2021, 06:47:10 AM
Thank you forthetrees, you reply is like a wake-up call. Reading what you said suddenly I realize that the potential of divorce maybe the trigger that pushes me myself into the MLC of my own and I need to acknowledge this threat for myself. That's a scary thing because for my kids, one MLC parent is already damaging enough.
This is like a slap to my face. Which is just on time. And I need this.
I'll transform this piece of knowledge into some kind of energy to help me standing strong again on my own, for the sake of myself and the small kids. They need me to be strong and be strong for many years ahead, really.
Thank you,
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MLC husband, looking for help and ideas
#58: June 27, 2021, 11:59:13 AM
Hi V,

Yup, FTT is right....... 100%.

This is something that so many LBS's go thru...... that hurt and the want for someone to fill it. It's not real. The thing is, it will change later (because it's not real).
There is something very useful to examine from it however...... your MLC'er........ you get a small taste of what their world is at the moment. The difference is of course that you can make the right decision and they haven't..... but you get to see what the "pull" is like. This is how you get to sort of understand in a limited way. See how it just snuck in there? Now multiply it 10 fold...... there's where your MLC'er is. That's how they got snagged..... but it isn't real, and it normally is temporary.

One thing to help examine it (your sitch)....... this is a guy who knows you're married right? And he's flirting with you? What kind of man is that? Just...... ewwwww.

-SS
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#59: June 27, 2021, 09:03:15 PM
Thank you my friends, I will think harder on this. The guy I was talking to doesnt know about my marriage, just light easy fun, it's my fault to go slightly off-track like that.

But this poses an interesting question and I would like to discuss with you a bit on this: Our MLC H/W started it all. But as a result, we LBS fell into pain, loss and surely some kind of depression ourselves - which in turn can be considered a mini-MLC in a good scenario (lasting for a few months then we get back firmly on our feet), or a full-blown MLC in a bad case scenario.

Now I'm just talking about the good scenario: a mini-MLC, because it seems to be most of the cases for us here, as I can see most of my wonderful friends here we can keep our heads clear most of the time, and still carry out our responsibilities with ourselves, kids, life and everything else, and you are even doing me a great favor by giving out love and support and I'm deeply grateful for that.

We know we are dealing with huge stress, some go in and reach for inner strength, but some might go out and reach for a distraction. Then...How about being fully aware of the pros and cons of the distraction, preparing for its consequences, and just allowing ourselves to be relaxing a bit. How about giving myself a "quantum of solace", like an emotional band-aid and just telling myself in advance this is just a band-aid that's all. No physical contact, nothing more than just talks and talks on hobbies (movies, music, books, gardening...), and I'll correct my fault on telling the new guy my marriage situation and let the chips fall where they may? How about just considering this an alternative of sort only for a few months, only to help me get back on track in a quicker and less painful way, without really cheating or lying to anyone. Then when the band-aid finishes its job and automatically fall apart, I'll be strong enough to carry on completely on my own?

I hold very dear all the advices you've been giving me about this, dont get me wrong, I go back to it each day and agree myself you're completely right and that's the best way to be. And I put so much credit on you that's why I'm bringing up this discussion with you to hear more of your precious ideas and, if necessary, to take more slaps in my face to wake up for real.
Thank you very much in advance,
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