Thread #5 here I come. 5 threads for 5 years. (If the moderators can do their magic and link my old one it would be so much appreciated
I had not planned on starting a new thread or even posting on here so soon, but I have taken a seat on the struggle bus the last few days and wanted to share. I also wanted to show that my reconnection, much like MLC, is not linear.
My calmness has been disrupted by a small cycle back by H. He did not have his regular therapist appointment last Friday and I noticed it over the weekend. Every once in a while, I see younger versions of himself pop up. This time it was the 12 year old boy. The one who can’t control his mouth and is worried he is always in trouble. This 12 year old boy brought out a trauma cyclone in me. We have not been a good combination to say the least. I am finding my way back to detachment.
Over the weekend we did a bunch of chores around the house and at our business. One of these include fixing a sprinkler system. Two weeks before this I was at my parents house and my dad showed me how to change sprinkler heads. So I knew how to fix them. At first my H was impressed; I went on to fix an outdoor timer by watching a you tube video and learning. My H was also impressed with this for a little while. Over the last 5 years as my H stopped doing anything around our house, I learned how to do everything. I have a strange knack for fixing things, I’m not sure where it came from. When we were done I was sweaty and dirty. My H looked at me and said “I guess you are the boy your dad never had” I laughed it off a bit and then he said “ I better be careful you may take away my man card” Well, this didn’t go over well with me. I asked him what he meant by that and he said “ you’ve taken over everything around the house and if people knew they would think that I’m not manly enough to do it” (12 year old speaking) I said “What I think you meant to say is thank you Roo for doing so much around the house the last few years, I appreciate it” I let it go and walked away. I went inside and took a shower and put on a dress and made myself look great to go out for dinner. My H cowered a bit throughout the night and I kind of forgot the whole interaction. He feels threatened by my new found skills. That is on him, I’m pretty kick a$$ in repairs now, not something I’m giving up.
Monday we were on a zoom call together with an architect who is starting to design a new house for us ( This is being picked up again after a 5 year pause) As we were going through the plans in the kitchen I asked if she could add in a broom closet. My H interjected here and said “Roo doesn’t need a broom closet; she doesn’t know what a broom is” I sat stunned and kind of confused as was the architect. He went on to say “with the exception of when she rides it” Really?.... a WTF kind of moment. I brushed it off and we continued. I gave it a good three hours before I decided that I was going to call him out on the comment and his behavior. I sent him a text telling him that the comment he made may have been trying to be funny but it was hurtful and embarrassing. I told him it made both me and the architect uncomfortable. I waited for his response. In the past he would have been angry with me for calling him out. I surprisingly got an apology, a nice apology. My H said he gets that from his father (He does) thinking that what he says is funny when it is hurtful. I thanked him for his apology and I thought we were fine. That night he came home and I could tell he was upset. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes gruffly. The next morning as I was drinking coffee he came and sat down and said he wanted to talk to me. I was a little confused. He told me that I didn’t need to include the architect in my “scolding” of him for telling a joke. He said now I’m worried about how she views me. I could not figure out what he was saying. I said “yesterday your apologized for this and I really thought you understood the hurt you caused, today you are angry with me about how I told you about it? This makes me feel that you are more worried about how the architect views you than my feelings” He shot back “There you go getting reactionary again” Well, that opened the Roo flood gates and he got back more than he ever wanted to hear from me. I told him in the last few days he was made me feel manly, like a slob and a witch. My mouth didn’t stop there. I went on say “Why are you still here if I am not what you want?” Trauma cyclone hit and started to spin.
I spent most of the day crying yesterday, everything hit. I questioned whether I made the wrong decision by staying, I questioned if my h was with me because I made it easy for him to return, I questioned if I even like him anymore. My H was silent until about 5:00 and he called. He started out by apologizing a more heartfelt apology. He said he was deeply sorry he hurt me. He told me one of the things he is working on in therapy was not to feel sorry for himself when I express pain, taking ownership and not making himself the martyr. I said thank you. We were quiet the rest of the evening. When we got into bed he said “I am sorry for what I said” I said “sometimes I wonder if you know how much I have been through and how hard it has been for me” He said “I hope I can understand someday.”
He’s pulling back and so am I. We each have some work to do. Somedays are for sure harder than others. Somedays I’m just plain tired of being strong and I need to sit and cry for the incredible amount of loss that I have experienced. Right now, the sun just came through the clouds and I’m taking my dog out for a walk and picking myself back up and carrying on. Just wanted to share to show that none of this process is easy, none of it.
Today I will mourn a bit, and tomorrow I will go forward. Baby steps and time.
By Your Command.... Last Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11602
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My new Normal 5.0