[9393roo]

You are very correct OR.  I have been guilty of making those therapy appointments, making the MC appointments, trying to get him to see he was in a crisis.  Books, videos, long drawn out emails and letters.  Trying to make him talk, trying to wake him up and make him see.  I know know how futile all of that was.  I could have saved myself so much anguish by letting go and leaving him be.

Something interesting to note.  My H has been in IC for 8 months now.  Sessions have been Friday mornings.  I have kept my distance Friday’s and Saturdays from him as he seemed to process what was said in counseling.  Sometimes he would be horrible as he processed.  Gaslighting, projecting.  Trying to make sense of his actions by making me to blame.  I learned how to detach especially those days.  Never once have I asked him about therapy, he did not share.  Last night we were eating dinner and he started to talk.  He told me that Friday he told his counselor all about the HPV diagnosis and he had a breakdown.  His counselor told him he was waiting for this breakdown as he knows he has kept it all down to stay in control of his situation.  He also told him that this is where the real work begins.  My H told me he is ready to do the real work now.  He also thanked me again for giving him the space to do this work. 

I honestly don’t think we would be at this crossroads if we both weren’t at a place of acceptance.  I had to go through all the stages of grief and many times I thought I would be stuck in either anger or despair.  It’s hard work to focus on yourself.  I told my H this last night.  I told him I understood how hard it is.  Really the only way out is through. 

Maybe we are coming to a new level of healing?  Whatever the outcome of this level, I know I will be ok. It’s taken me awhile to realize this.  But I will. 

Forward!

[Sunandshade]

Hi Roo, this progress is really amazing. This level of self-awareness seems to elude so many MLCers, although it all hurts he is finding his way out with courage. Try not to beat yourself up about being nurturing.

[KeepItTogether]

Hi Roo. Wow--so much has happened. And all at once it seems.

I am so relieved there are no cancerous cells, but still a very scary thing.

Hearing about that "fog" H was in, and that he didn't even think of you or the family while there, really resonates with me. It makes sense though. The man who is with you now, the one who is terrified of hurting you any more, could likely not do the things the "one" in the fog did. And yet they are one and the same. Quintessential MLC. It is really great that he is in therapy.

And you, the reformed fixer. Nice work! Not an easy addiction to beat is it? I am still working on my own. LOL.

You sound great. It is a pretty amazing thing that you are able to heal in the way you have, while a live-in MLCer is in the picture. I cannot even fathom. You are awesome!

[barbiedoll]

I have come to realize that in reconnection we were missing a big piece of the puzzle.  I see it in Barbie’s thread as well.  If the MLCer does not fully take responsibility and forgive themselves they get stuck in a big way.  To deny what happened, to not address what brought them to that point and to shove it all under the rug hoping it won’t come out created a roadblock in my case.

.

Yes. Huge roadblock that blocks the path to recovery.  I am sooo happy that perhaps your roadblock has started to shift .

ou are very correct OR.  I have been guilty of making those therapy appointments, making the MC appointments, trying to get him to see he was in a crisis.  Books, videos, long drawn out emails and letters.  Trying to make him talk, trying to wake him up and make him see.  I know know how futile all of that was.  I could have saved myself so much anguish by letting go and leaving him be.

.

Yes. A ton of anguish.

[9393roo]

Thanks Sun, KIT and Barbie. 

H continues to show signs of acceptance and remorse, I’m trying to continue to live my life and move forward.  We made plans last night to go back to the town where BD#1 happened.  Overseas and I flew us home after BD only being there a day.  We have both decided we need a redo.  We talked about it for a bit last night.  We both don’t want it to become a place of sadness, plus it’s a really cool city and I want to explore it.  Beginning to tackle the triggers and not letting them take me down anymore.

The man who is with you now, the one who is terrified of hurting you any more, could likely not do the things the "one" in the fog did. And yet they are one and the same. Quintessential MLC. It is really great that he is in therapy.

This is mind boggling sometimes. He was living the life of two people.  He is starting to come to terms with that and figure out who he is as an individual.  He is calmer than he has been in almost 6 years and he seems determined to figure himself out.  That’s all I can ask for right now. 

[9393roo]

Good Morning HS.  (Morning where I am).

Thought I would add an update as things seem to be shifting almost daily around here.  After the HPV diagnosis another layer of awareness has been peeled off the MLC onion, and it continues. 

Before my H had therapy on Friday we sat down together at the breakfast table and started to talk.  H started to get squirmy as usual so I didn’t push too much.  He again told me that he would tell me anything I needed to know.  So, I started asking questions.  They weren’t the questions I thought I would ask (I thought I would want to  know more about his physical relationships- don’t want to)) but they were about timelines and events that he tried to gaslight me on.  I think in my mind I just needed to validate the fact that I wasn’t crazy.  He did lots and lots of gaslighting, projecting and cake eating over the last 6 years.  He did validate what I thought all along and it wasn’t easy for him.  He didn’t run though.  He then stepped into therapy and after that had a breakdown.  He refused to talk to me the rest of the day, ended up skipping work and going to his garage the rest of the day.  (He NEVER skips work) He was cold and short with me in any interaction.  I tried to stay away. 

Friday night I didn’t sleep well and Saturday I woke up with this burning anger in my chest.  Something I haven’t felt in quite awhile.  My H had slept in our spare room and got up early and went for a run.  I decided I needed to do something, so put in my running shoes and went for a run as well.  I listened to angry music and cried and thought about what I was going to do.  I felt like my H was once again going backwards, I was tired of this and I was done.  I have been dealing with MLC for 6 years now (5.5 since BD) and I was so angry that I’m still in this place.  I was tired of detachment, tired of empathy tired of giving it “time”. I was now in the position of needing my H to either commit or leave.  There was not going to be anymore half way for me. 


I got home from my run and decided yo talk to my H.   I started the conversation by letting him know that I know that he is really struggling right now.  I said I am struggling too.  This HPV thing added another layer to get through and I can’t continue to get through it on my own.  I can’t have him shutting down when things get rough, I can’t have him disappear.  I told him I wasn’t going to live in a detached marriage anymore and if he was here he needed to commit to be a partner in fixing us. 

He sat quietly for a minute. And then told me he was on his way downstairs to apologize to me for not talking.  He said he was wrong.  He said therapy was overwhelming and he just shut down.   I told him I understood and we made a pact to let each other know when we need a break from talking and a chance to regroup. 

He also wanted me to know that none of this was ever about the OW, none of it was about me.  It was all about him and his ego.  He didn’t care about who he hurt as long as he was feeling good.  All seems to be textbook MLC.  Running, hurting, not caring about the destruction. 

So many be one more corner turned in healing?  One more layer of forgiveness and understanding each other.  Yesterday I booked myself a volunteer trip to another country with some people I have met while GALing.  So excited.  I see a light of a new life with my H where we both are individuals who have individual lives, but are committed partners who want to grow old together.  Finally breaking through more codependency to find more peace. 

Wishing you all peace and calm as you weather this horrible MLC storm. 

[xyzcf]

Thank you Roo for sharing this with us.

It is hard for us to have any idea what it is like to be in their shoes. The insight that you are providing is very helpful.

Wishing you peace. That is what I am always striving for is just quiet and peace and no more hurt.

[Treasur]

Just wanted to say congratulations, Roo, about getting to a place where you could speak your reality without venom but also without shading it for someone else’s consumption. That is no mean feat, it probably took some courage and I salute you for it.

[Curiosity]

Congratulations, Roo. More and more, it seems like this is a long-term (perhaps lifelong) learning curve; but it does feel like a big “eureka” moment when the LBS comes to realize just how much independence is likely to be a part of the relationship going forward. I don’t know if that’s the same for people who move on and get into new relationships, and of course we are each a sample of one (™ Acorn). But it feels like, much like detachment happens in layers, fully overcoming codependency and actually cherishing one’s independence even within the framework of a committed partnership… that’s such a big part of all of this.

[9393roo]

Hello,

Thought I would update my thread to share my reconnection journey so far.  I want to thank Barbie and Song for sharing their reconnection stories as it has helped me so much see that reconnection isn’t easy or straightforward and just because the insanity of replay has stopped, MLC still has a long way to go.  Defiantly not rainbows and unicorns over here! 

Going from the gift of hindsight I would say that the end of replay started around Oct 2020.  Things were not going well in my H’s fantasy and the party was coming to an ugly end.  (Most of my H’s replay antics had happened in another state that he traveled to) He was cycling wildly, and I started to look for a divorce attorney as he seemed to be headed down a slippery slope to rock bottom.  He did what he always does and turned back to me to fix things.  Talked me into going into marriage counseling yet again.  (3rd time) This time he found the counselor and he was/is incredible.  We spend Oct 2020-Feb with this counselor.  It was so frustrating, but the therapist was good and really dug into things.  I thought we were making some headway. I had no idea what my H was really hiding until the end of Feb 2021 when an employee threatened a sexual harassment lawsuit.   I had been so detached I didn’t see that one coming.  From there much more came spilling out, the damages of all the replay were being displayed almost daily.  An alcohol problem, a texting women problem a need for constant attention problem.  I quit marriage counseling and told my H that our marriage was not the issue, he was the issue.  I told him that if he didn’t start facing his demons on his own I wasn’t staying.  So began the start of his own counseling (Our former marriage counselor-who is fantastic) and his work to get himself out of the tunnel.  It has not been quick, and it has not been easy.  I’ve had to detach at moment’s notice and I’ve had to deal with all of the information I was getting about his hidden replay crap.  We went through the summer and into fall with him going to weekly counseling sessions on Friday’s and him being horrible to me on Saturdays.  I continued to try to focus on myself while keeping his tornado in my peripheral vison.   Back and forth and sideways as he continues to deal with himself.  In September 2021 I got the news that I had HPV.  The affair that my H had tried so hard not to accept happened had a real consequence on me.  It opened another can of worms as I continued to face it all as well.   More and more came out and I have had to deal with another round of triggers.  I believe he has nothing left to hide (Who really knows) and had to finally start facing himself.  We spent that fall going forward and I saw the man he used to be so much more.  Our son got married in October and it was awesome my H was kind and attentive and emotional.  In December we took a trip together and he really opened up, telling me how much he loved me, telling me how much he was so thankful I was with him.  I didn’t realize it then, but I was getting all sorts of expectations. 

2022 started horribly.  My H who I thought was coming forward through the tunnel receded back in.  He decided to get a ride from the OW #1 alone to a meeting they were both going to (The biggest boundary of mine) He just mentioned it in passing and I was shocked.  He continued to do little things that he used to do in replay and started acting like a teenaged boy around me again.  I was crushed (Stupid expectations) I spent most of January in my own pity party, I was so angry with myself for thinking once again that he was headed out. I have had to take a step back once again and regain my footing.  I redid our garage apartment and stayed there a couple of days and asked him not to talk to me.  I now have it as my place when I need the space. 

Here we sit today.  I am back into detachment; he keeps coming towards me expecting me to fix him.  I don’t anymore.  He is on his own with fixing his own problems and he is struggling wildly.  He feels sorry for himself and then catches it.  He is in no way shape or form able to have a good honest reciprocal relationship with anyone.  I see so much when I step back.  All of the replay has come to an end and it has depressed him.  I’m trying to keep my head on straight and focus on my own life.  I’m running, have a new business venture, have my MLC pug Gertrude, talk to my great kids almost daily and focusing on health and happiness.  I’ve turned my fixing ways to the foster kids I am representing in court as their advocate.  I’m getting back my self-worth and self-value that I’ve worked so hard retrieving the last few years. 
 
I have no idea where this marriage is heading.  I do however know that it will not be heading back to the way we were 35 years ago when we started.  We both have changed.  I think I’m on my way to figuring out who I am now, my H has a way to go.  Wondering if when he does if we will fit.  Right now, I don’t know who he is, what I see in front of me is not what I want the rest of my life.   

6 years in and here we are.  We are both facing ourselves now.  (Even through it feels sometimes that he tries very hard not to)  It’s slow and sometimes very painful.  I’m not afraid of the future like I used to be.  Letting go and focusing on myself has given me my power back.  I am in control of myself and I have choices.   Moving myself forward. 

Sending hugs to all of you just starting this journey.  So hard and so incredibly painful.  I hope you all find your way back to yourselves, that’s where you will find your healing.