[UrsaMajor]

Dear Roo,

Your description (like Song's and Barbie's) lays it all out on the line and in the open. It is NOT an easy journey and not one for the faint of heart. I can only hope that your H will continue to extract his head from his .... fog... sooner rather than later...

UM

[rosetintedglasses]

Thanks for sharing Roo.

Glad you are finding yourself.

My H left and although it seemed harder, it was easier to detach and find myself so I’m really happy you are at this stage. It’s very liberating.

Rose 🌹

[PJ Ames]

Thanks for the update Roo. You sound very healthy, calm and clear-eyed. And patient!

[KeepItTogether]

Roo your story always amazes me in how much is resembles my own. Of course I have not experienced it first hand as you have with a live in. I am quite sure I would be locked up by now if my H never left. I have always admired your patience and ability to detach. Pretty amazing really. Here's to hoping there is more of that forward progress for you both. Such a long and windy path this is. Not for the feint of heart that is for sure

[Music45]

So many similarities here too Roo. You sound...good.
(((Hugs)))

[Dragonfly33]

Roo your story is very inspiring. I can relate to almost everything you said. It takes a lot of strength to detach yourself and like you said, it’s not an easy journey. I am now on my third year and I don’t think I can do what you did. I kicked out my H last January before he can do the next BD. Probably I was too scared to be in that same situation on his first BD. For me, the distance has helped me a lot to conquer my fears of being alone. But despite that, being alone still feels lonely. I sometimes miss my old H. But I don’t check on him anymore. I used to check on the sports app what he’s doing and where he was. I don’t do that anymore.

[9393roo]

Hello all,

Thought I would update.  No earth shattering news (Thank goodness!!) just wanted to share my reconnection process where we sit right now.   Things are still moving forward in my world.  The past few months have brought something new to our relationship, we are finally talking about it all.  Slowly and calmly.  I’ve realized in the past year as things have started to settle down with my H he was trying his hardest to push all that has happened during MLC away.  Pretend it never happened and wanted to start right back up where we left off over 7 years ago.  In some ways so did I.  Realizing now that we are both conflict avoiders.  Also have realized that the more you push the bad away and don’t deal with it all, it’s going to show itself somewhere.  It has shown itself several times and we are both learning how to talk about it calmly and reasonably.  We have gone back and forth on if we wanted to go to marriage counseling again, but both of us have decided we don’t.  We are navigating communication ourselves and finding what works.  The main thing is we are talking now, and that is big.  As we talk, we both are still in the process of cleaning up our own sides of the street.  My H goes to weekly counseling, and I continue to do the things that help me with my own trauma: meditating, running and traveling.  I know that we are not supposed to stage watch (I’ve learned this the hard way) often I will go back and read certain things that make so much sense to me now.  Hearts Blessing posted this article, and it very much pertains to our situation:
 
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-first-healing-stage-the-settling-down-process/

As we have been talking, I am realizing just how much my H doesn’t remember.  We will talk about something that happened to me during this time and he doesn’t remember any of it.  When I remind him of things he often will start to tear up and shake his head.  We calmly talk through it.  He will often go to the garage and putter around and come back in and tell me how sorry he is.  We both know that conversations where I explode, and he shuts down don’t do either of us any good.  We have the option to call a time out before that happens.  A few weeks ago we had a conversation and it turned into both of us saying “Maybe we should separate” My H had a therapy appointment that day and came back later and said. “I don’t want to separate; separation is just running away from what needs to be dealt with” I was shocked with his clarity.  We are both making the decision now to “deal” with it. 

Dealing with all of it doesn’t happen all the time.  We are making time to not deal with it as well and learning to laugh and love again.  We recently took a trip to Mexico and ended up in a bar singing Karaoke.  We laughed and laughed.  A guy sitting next to us asked if we just got married!  We both looked at each other and laughed.  He was shocked when we told him it will be 35 years in September. 

Life is moving forward all around us.  My youngest D (who was 16 at the time of BD)  will be graduating from college next week and will be moving across the country for an amazing job. My oldest son (31) will be getting married in September and my other two sons are secure and stable with their lives.  I continue to do some work with our company, but also am finding other things to focus on as well. I’m traveling to Tanzania in Sept with a volunteer group and just finished redoing a rental house that we have.  Pretty proud of all the skills I have learned as an LBS.  My H is shocked that I can do what I do.  I watched you tube videos and refinished a bathtub!

Life is good and life is calming.  It’s all going forward at a slow pace, but it is moving forward.  I’m learning to lean into it, learn from it and be happy with it.  Learning to control what I can and let go of the rest.  Things have changed in our marriage.  I think we are both growing up.  I think that maybe we will spend the rest of our lives changing and growing, we have made the commitment to do this together. 

Sending big hugs to all of you who are going through this.  All of the advice I took away from so many people on here saved me so many times.  I hope you all are able to find peace in whatever form that takes.  This journey will change so many things and you will need to change along with it, it took me a very long time to figure this out. 

[Curiosity]

Thank you for updating, Roo. It’s comforting to hear that there’s nothing earth-shattering and that reconnection is going along calmly. I know each story is different, but that does seem to be a recurring theme. Maybe that’s the way it’s always going to be - BD, like most destructive things, is a sudden occurrence and a shock to the system. Even when in hindsight you can see that it wasn’t sudden, the explosion was. But building something, and that includes rebuilding, has to be slow and deliberate. Measure twice, cut once and all that. And the need for marriage counseling, I think varies widely… as does the need for individual counseling for one or both people.

I am glad to hear that your h and the life and people around you are all going well, and I am especially glad to hear that your life is good and calming.

[xyzcf]

Thank you Roo for updating.All the best in this "new" marriage for you both.

I find it fascinating to see how similar the reconnection stories go, and heartsblessing's comments on this that verify this pattern.  I have seen it several times in couples who have reconnected. Like the pattern of MLC, there truly does seem to be a pattern that they follow as they "wake up" to the realization of what has happened.

As we have been talking, I am realizing just how much my H doesn’t remember.  We will talk about something that happened to me during this time and he doesn’t remember any of it.  When I remind him of things he often will start to tear up and shake his head.

This too is very common. I often read on HS how they "know what they are doing" and I do not believe that they really totally do. They are driven by something deep and internal and many are shocked by things that they did over the years.

If you can both talk through things, and face squarely the issues, then indeed MC isn't necessary..because ultimately you know each other best...and as heartsblessing also always said "where there is love, there is hope".

Nice to hear things are going well!!!

[Evermore]

This is such a lovely update Roo. Like the others I see similarities in your story with other reconnection stories. It seems to need genuine calmness and peace within the LBS before it can begin. And then also a calmness that grows in the MLCer. I get the same vibe in all the stories I read where a successful reconnection happens. I guess just like the perfect storm of ‘causes’ that all contribute to the MLC happening in the first place, there also needs to be a perfect storm of current ‘states of being’, maybe?, that allows a successful reconnection. The LBS needs to be healed enough to be genuinely calm and controlled. The MLCer has to be ‘through’ enough to start to reflect on, face, and then work through their issues. The connection had to have been close enough pre-MLC  for the couple to consider another try. There can’t have been ‘too much damage’ done during the MLC. Etc. The sense that you are on that road shines through. I’m so happy for you and your H and your family.