Hello HS family.
Thought I would send out an update as it’s been a almost 6 months since the last one. Lots of changes with our family the past 6 months. My D (youngest of 4) is now 23 graduated from University and landed a great job many states away. This was more difficult on me then I imagined it would be. She was the only one of my children who was in the home when MLC started (She was 16 at the time) She and I formed a very close bond. Her school was only 2 hours away and now she is across the country. I went through a big empty nest grief that I wasn’t expecting,as all of my children have left our state. I talk to her daily. She also is beginning to heal with her Dad. He tells me about the texts and phone calls he has with her. I stay completely out of their relationship, but I can see a new bond beginning to form. This out of everything makes me so incredibly happy. He missed so much, and their relationship was broken. I am so thankful they both are working towards something better and I am not involved in making it happen.
My oldest S (31) got married in September. I was a big part of the wedding as that is what my new job is, event planning and coordination. During MLC all 3 of my sons got married. My S (29) was married young at the beginning of MLC. Right before BD and I knew walking down the aisle with my H that something was very wrong. At the reception he was trying to dance with all the bridesmaids and made pretty much an A$$ out of himself. My 3rd S (27) was married last October. We were still early on in reconnecting. My H was pretty stoic and subdued, shut down and depressed. This last wedding my H was so helpful and emotional. During the ceremony I looked over and he was a bucket of tears. We had a great time at the reception, he held my hand often and told me what a good job I had done with the wedding and what a good Mom I have been to our children. A friend joked the other day how my son’s weddings were like bookends to MLC. Beginning, middle and end.
As for my H and I, we continue down the path of healing. None of it has been easy, none of it has been linear. We both continue to heal ourselves along with healing our relationship. We both have been tempted to throw in the towel and call it quits many times. We were stuck for about 5 months in the cycle of me stuck in trauma and him stuck in shame shut down. We couldn’t talk about what had happened to us because our cycle was horrible. We both were living pretty much separate lives, very surface relationship. It was not good, and I often questioned “What is the point?” We both decided we could not fix us without help. We started up MC again (5th time is a charm right
!) I was so skeptical as we had been down this path before. This time was different. We are using his IC as our MC now and he is wonderful. He is opening both of us up and we are talking more than we ever have. It has taken some time, but we seem to be headed down a better path. We are both committed to fixing us, we are both there because we want to be. Slowly we are finding our way.
I think that maybe I am going through a midlife transition. My coffee shop closed in Covid and I had to reinvent myself a bit. I have a lot more time to myself and am liking my own company! I am doing event planning and keeping busy with being an advocate for kids in foster care. Gertie, my MLC pug and I are very close. Best decision I made during my H’s MLC. I’ve done lots of work on digging into my own past (Not easy) and seeing the things in me that needed to be changed. I’ve stopped fixing everyone and everything around me. I’ve stopping thinking that I have control of situations when I don’t. On some levels I’m so much calmer than I used to be, and on some levels I am more vocal than ever. This is something new in our marriage as I now speak up and let my real feelings be known. Hard for my H to get used to. We have more arguments now that we ever did in our marriage. They aren’t loud and angry, we are learning to discuss. I’ve spent a lot of time helping my aging parents who live 2 states away. My 90 year old Dad is battling bi-polar and my mom as very little patience left to deal with him. I just spent 2 weeks in the house I grew up in and slept in my childhood bed. Lots of FOO issues came up, looking into those now. Working on forgiving myself for allowing my H’s MLC drive so many decisions. We both were clinging boomerangs.
My H is moving forward as well. The more I am calm the more he comes towards me. I see so many of his good qualities coming back. I forget sometimes that he needs to hear this. His emotions are coming back, his empathy is coming back. It has been slow for sure. I realize now that I was pushing him into a quicker healing, this was setting him back. He talks about his MLC as “The time I went off the deep end” He knows the damage he did. He shared with me the other night that our D called him for some financial advice at the end of the call she said “Thanks Dad, I love you” He said that was the first time in 7 years she has said it first. He teared up. I’m learning that the pain and suffering he went through was great. He can only process so much at a time. The overwhelming sense of shame can be consuming. Giving him room is the best thing I can do.
Just like MLC is different for everyone, I think reconnection is as well. I continue to read here often and see so much of myself in the reconnection stories posted. So thankful this site still exists as it saved me during the darkest times. Keep moving forward with yourselves and control only what you can. If you have children, hold them tight and be the rock for them.
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My new Normal 5.0