[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

We are both different people and our old marriage that I wanted so badly to return is gone.

Just as your h accepting he is an alcoholic, your acceptance of the new reality is just as important. You are both different and a sober H is going to be a much different person than the inebriated one. Drunks are very tricky. Some are happy drunks and love everybody and others are downright mean and nasty. Some can be both in one single session.

He has come to terms that he is an alcoholic and has been for quite some time.

Yes, and the only cure is to not drink. There is no cure. I drink on occasion with my friend and it is definitely two drinks over two hours with some food as well. Three drinks and I am heavily buzzed. That might be a family event at my house, one or twice a year. An alcoholic may think it is all about self-control, but it's not. One to two becomes three to four and before you know it, they are back to the same pattern as before. He is an addict and will always be an addict going forward.

Hoping in its place will be a healthy, less codependent, honest partnership.

Perfect reality. It wasn't rainbows and ice cream for breakfast then, and it won't be in the future. Instead, It is about a new reality of looking at the person that you married and committing yourself to building a marriage with this person. That's why I don't believe in "soul" mates. That's nonsense for young people, people who write for Hallmark,  and MLCers trying to justify bad choices.

Just like our own lives, the marriage ebbs and flows and goes through transitions as well. The bottom line is you are with your husband not because you need him, but because you chose him and accept him completely.

Hard point to reach, but well worth the effort,

((((Ready))))

[9393roo]

Drunks are very tricky. Some are happy drunks and love everybody and others are downright mean and nasty. Some can be both in one single session.

Yep^^^ I have seen both of these people. 

Perfect reality. It wasn't rainbows and ice cream for breakfast then, and it won't be in the future. Instead, It is about a new reality of looking at the person that you married and committing yourself to building a marriage with this person. That's why I don't believe in "soul" mates. That's nonsense for young people, people who write for Hallmark,  and MLCers trying to justify bad choices.

Yes indeed.  When MLC first hit I was under the impression that my H and I were soulmates.  I thought he would come out of MLC on his knees begging for our old marriage.  No begging, no pleading, no roses, sunshine and rainbows.  SLOWLY we have moved forward.   We are two separate people who happened to get caught up at a young age in codependency.  Unraveling that is very freeing for both of us. 

I'm looking forward to a new marriage, I think we both are. 

[KeepItTogether]

Great to read your updates Roo. My 7th anniversary of BD is coming up in May. And my H is also an alcoholic.  So much of what you write resonates with me.

Codependency seems to be a theme among us all. Such an insidious and pervasive trait, and yet it goes largely undetected.

The new marriage, the one where both are adults and emotionally healed/healing--now that sounds like a dream come true! Happy for you both.

[sachat3]

Forgive me. Im a bit behind on catching up.
Lovely to see your update Roo. I think, not that I’ve ever had an issue with addiction but my oldest friend her mum was/is an alcoholic. And I’ve spoken to her about it many times and she’s always said, the moment her mum turned to her and said “I need help” she knew she was serious because of all the years of denial. And they do say the first step is admitting you have a problem.

I really hope all is well with you and your H on the sobriety journey xx

[rosetintedglasses]

Roo

I have just read this. Well done you. Sounds like you are both going to become emotionally healthy, it sounds very calm.

Lovely to read your update. Thank you.
Rose 🌹

[9393roo]

Hello
It’s been almost a year since I updated my thread. I’m coming up on 8 years post atomic BD and maybe about 2 years into reconnecting.  I don’t feel like we are reconciled yet, but life is calm and good and we are making progress at a snail’s rate, but we are both committed to each other and making a new marriage work.  We quit MC 6 months ago thinking we could handle connecting on our own, but have realized we still need help and started up again.  We have an outstanding MC who was my H’s individual counselor.  We both continue to clean up our sides of the street, hoping to merge one day on a new path. 

Me, I think I have been experiencing an MLT (That’s a Capital T- No insane crisis here!)  At 58 I’m rebuilding myself, continuing to learn and grow and focusing on all the things I can control.  As a former fixer of all, this is a big step.  I am proud of myself for some of my bigger changes.   I’ve taken a position in our company that I’m proud of.  It’s something that doesn’t overlap with my H so I have room and autonomy.   I’ve expanded my volunteer travel (This from someone who would not go anywhere without my H and hated to fly) and just spent 3 weeks in Africa working in a remote community and school.  I am creating a social network by joining a women’s walking group and have started to work with new immigrants in our community as they settle in.  I do a lot of care with my sisters for my elderly parents who live 10 hours away and go on adventurous walks Gertie my MLC pug.  All 4 of our children have moved out of state, my 3 boys have all married and my 24 year old D  (16 at time of BD and only child living at home) is kicking some butt in a new job several states away.  I have a really great relationship with all of them, but am especially close to my D.  We are getting ready to meet in Arizona and do some hiking next month.  Our very close relationship is one of the best things to come out of the MLC mess.  Her relationship with her Dad is still coming along.  Out of all our children she was the one most affected by him.  They are connecting slowly as well.   

I still have triggers that I work through, I still am working on the trauma I’ve experienced while having a live at home clingy clingy boomerang who thought he would relive his high school years.  It seems like his story of what the whole MLC did to him has brought him so much shame, but sometimes he forgets or has compartmentalized what it did to me.  I swear shame has shut down all the bad parts sometimes.  We are in the slow process of “getting it all out there”  I am done fixing and caretaking, it’s a new way of doing marriage for both of us. 

My H is moving along slowly.  We are talking slowllllllllyyyyy.  All of the insane behaviors of replay are gone but have been replaced with depression, and guilt and shame.  He is working on them all.  Still working on his alcoholism and workaholism.  Not easy feats.  I see small steps backwards but nothing too big.  I am slowly seeing empathy and emotions return.  In October, our oldest son and his wife announced they were expecting a baby.  He instantly retreated into his shell.  This was one of the things he was vocal about when in replay, he didn’t want to be a grandparent.  Grandparents were old.  He didn’t seem to be excited about this news. I talked to him about it and he was stoic.  They ended up having a miscarriage before Christmas.  I was so upset when I told him, He was at work and just said “That’s very sad”. When he came home that night he came through the door and started to sob and hugged me.  He called our son and cried with him.  A big opening of a locked up emotional box.  I have seen more  and more of these openings on his time.  When they happen I am a little taken back sometimes.  Out of nowhere I will get a text that says “I cannot believe that after all that I’ve done, you are here with me.  Thank you”   

Reconnecting ,like MLC,  has not been linear or easy.  For us, it has taken a lot of work.  We are both committed to rebuilding and I see glimpses of what could turn out to be a really good marriage. 

My heart breaks for those of you in the midst of this he!!.  It will change you, it will test you and it will make you realize that you are stronger than you think you are.  Whatever happens to your marriage, you are going to be ok and you will get through this. 

Hugs to all.  Keep moving forward, it’s the only option for healing.

 

[UrsaMajor]

Good to hear from you Roo and glad to see that things are still moving forward.... maybe at the speed of a herd of turtles but forward.....

[KayDee]

Good to hear from you Roo and glad to see that things are still moving forward.... maybe at the speed of a herd of turtles but forward.....

Do turtles come in herds  what about a Platoon of Slugs?

[KayDee]

And thank you Roo for coming back to share. In your signature, the last line is 'I do not believe him' - have you managed to rebuild trust? Perhaps you have answered this already. For most of us, the affair is the most devastating thing. Many cannot get beyond it and it seems that many crisis spouses stick with it because it is the proverbial bed they made. I know your H didn't move out, but I wonder how you managed to move beyond this betrayal?

[9393roo]

Thanks Ursa and KayDee.

Good question KayDee, how much time do you have for me to answer it?   

I probably should have changed my tag time a few years ago.  For the first 5 years of this mess my H lied about everything.......EVERYTHING!  Now he tells me how exhausting that was.  I always knew it was a physical affair but had that little voice in my head that said "Maybe it was just and EA" I could could deal with that.  All of that changed when I went for a physical and found out that I had HPV.  My H had ended his affair the year before and thought he could carry this secret to his grave.  This was one of the few wake up calls that started him out of the tunnel.  He has told me since then that he was under the impression that if he pretended it didn't happen then maybe it didn't.  Found out the hard way that actions have consequences. 

I didn't want anything to do with him for a long time.  He was in individual therapy at the time and his therapist almost dropped him.  He told him that  if he lied to him he was wasting both of their time.  He came clean to me about this and other things.   He wrote me a letter telling me it all.  He never meant to bring this to me.  He was so self centered that he thought that it wouldn't affect me.  He was living a double life that caught up to him, it always will at some point.

We have come a long way with trust.  I focus on actions now more than anything.  He is accountable for his time.  I can ask him anything and he will talk to me calmly. He is a very open book. He is working hard on not shutting down when I trigger.  I feel like we are a team working this out now.  Still, not easy. 

I was always in the camp of " If it's physical it's over"  I guess until you are put into that situation you never know.  I have a whole lot of empathy for people put into these situations.  I withhold judgment for sure. 

Just a side note here, I would not recommend MC to anyone while their spouse is deep in crisis.  I am the poster child for this.  He lied and gaslight me all the times we went .  (4 total during 5 years)  Until your spouse comes out of replay its a waste of time and money and actually can end up doing more harm.   (There's my 2 cents 

I am still blown away at the fact that my H can't remember things.  He's buried them deep I guess.  We were just talking about a 30th anniversary trip we took while he was in replay and in the affair.   He told me at the time that "He wasn't sure how he felt about me" after I gave him a heartfelt card.  He swears he didn't remember this.  As we talked some more his eyes started to well up and he said "I was an awful person".  He still struggles with this, but he is starting to own it. 

Hope that answered your question!  Only believe what they do, what they say is 95% a lie.  At least it was in my case.