[Naverro]

Well I pray I can mend it!  Not sure if your the praying type but I am and I pray a lot for healing and restoration.  I have 2 children.  I’ve did my best to leave them completely out of the equation.  Their aware there is an issue but the more I make it an issue then the more they read into it.  Kids are very observant and they know when something is up but I leave the kids completely out of it and I make their dad out to be Superman.  He has slipped a little on that aspect but I don’t allow them to know that.  I make up excuses for him and I don’t involve them at all.  The kids are never spoke of between my spouse and I because no matter how crummy I feel I do not let them see that or know that so therefore their lives remain balanced and it’s never an issue.  Their lives have been the least effected thankfully.  I don’t hold the kids over his head either or try to make him feel bad for not being able to be the best he can be right now.  He is truly hurting, maybe more then I am.  Our relationship was amazing for 16 1/2 years.  We were a couple actually in love.  Traveled the world, made each other a priority, date nights, we were absolutely perfect.....until we weren’t!  That’s why I was in complete shock!!  I never in a million years would have dreamed that I would be here now.  I woulda bet my life on it!  What our future holds is unknown?  By looking at the positives, there isn’t a new relationship on either part, he still tells me it’s always been me and always will be, I still love him dearly, and things do seem to be slowly getting better.  On the Navi rice side, he’s been gone 2 1/2 years, he’s just now starting to come through his crisis, and there is still a lot left unknown.  Somewhere along the way all I realized that if I was still going to remain then I was going to have to change my whole point of view. I was not entitled to an apology (like all the years before), I was going to have to forgive, this wasn’t just another argument, and that our relationship is never going to be what it was before the crisis.  We are trying to start over.  Oh and I agree with you on the intimacy, something in the crisis weakens it.  Just lately have I noticed a change there to.  I guess only time will tell.  I have prepared myself for the worst and I hope and pray for the best.  I’ve had to swollen my pride and really do some soul searching but I’m in it for the long haul so I guess we will just have to see🙏🏻

[Naverro]

Oh and my husband and I are both 40.  I still have not told mine that I have even thought he was in a MLC!  He would truly flip out if I mentioned that.  Everything is my fault anyway.  He would think I had lost my mind🤯. It took me over a year to figure it out myself.  Every sign, every stage, and every aspect of each stage was exactly my life.  It takes time and reactions to know for sure I think.  It’s not something we can figure out instantly, it takes observations over time. 

[rvles1913]

Yes I have been praying too. I am in this relationship for the long haul. I didn’t commit to him 10 years ago just to have him ditch me like a piece of dirt now. The second half of last year he was in his crisis but we were having amazing intimacy and sending dirty texts etc. I know he’s attracted to me, you can’t fake that and I know that he still loves me but he did try the whole don’t feel the same thing. Love you as the mother of my child but it’s just not the same. I told him I don’t believe that for a second. That was nearly 6 months ago, when he also said he was gonna leave and I pretty much said, like hell you’re leaving without making a single bit of effort to fix this. (This was before I had read a lot into MLC).
The sad thing is I’ve lost his family as well. None of his family have reached out to me, so who knows what he’s told them. And his sister is meant to be one of my best friends, and I haven’t heard from her once.
Our daughter doesn’t know anything’s up. She knows her dad is always disappearing. She knows he doesn’t sleep in his bed anymore but I don’t think she thinks much of it thankfully. He needs to get his but into gear before Christmas. I pray for a miracle.

[OffRoad]

Please remember to take care of yourself. You didn't break him, you cannot fix him. The standard LBS has a tendancy to take on responsibility for their mlcer by think "if I'd only jumped through this hoop, or shaken that chicken at the moon, or pole danced in the bedroom, none of this would have happened. It's all my fault!" Except it isn't.  Are there things about yourself you could improve? Probably, but that didn't cause your spouse to go off the rails.

Also please be sure you are protected. Keep some money in a separate account for emergencies, do not sleep with him if he suddenly wants to unless you are ok risking getting an std (affair) or something else (drugs and needle sharing if that's a possibility ). Whatever he is doing at night could be detrimental to you and your family's health, well being and /or safety, so be especially cautious.

You might want to see an attorney to find out what your alternatives could be if he just ups and leaves. Or gets arrested for doing something illegal. The problem with not knowing where he is or what he's doing is that he could be doing anything. Maybe he's sitting in the park, seeing what homeless feels like. Maybe he's selling drugs. You don't know.

Take care of you and your D.

[Kimber]

Have you seen anything that makes you believe he could have slipped back into drug use? I am guessing we are talking about something harder than pot.

If he is using drugs, he'll be able to hide it for a while, then his behavior will begin to get more erratic as it gets more of a hold on him.

The idea that he isn't cleaning up before he takes off, makes me think not another woman but, maybe, spending time with drug people.

I would definitely be looking at his spending and any sign of drug use (paraphernalia, foil, missing spoons, whatever).

[rvles1913]

Hey. I am not sure if he’d go back to hard drugs but definite possibility that he could be getting stoned with whoever.
Yeah the way he looks when he leaves makes me think no, not another woman. To be honest I don’t think he’d want to get into something with someone else. And he most definitely doesn’t want any more kids. So even tho he’s not himself I still think he would be very careful about that. I honestly think the sex drive has gone completely.

[OldPilot]

Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[rvles1913]

Thanks everyone for the advice.
I am pushing through. He is still doing the right thing 50% of the time. He is still around. Just stopped being a loving husband. And man do I miss having him in our bed.
It’s incredibly hard, especially when it comes out of nowhere, and especially when it comes immediately after such intense connection between us.
I wake up to a nightmare every morning.

[FaithWalker]

Do you happen to know what happened in his first marriage?  How long was he divorced before you guys met?  And how long was he married for?  What is his relationship like with his first wife?  Do they get along? Do the kids live with him 100% or do they go back and forth? 

Any childhood trauma that you know of with your H?

As far as the not fighting, that's pretty common with many lbs here.  But can be very common in spouses who are conflict avoidant.  Unfortunately, not fighting isn't a sign of a perfect marriage, in many cases, it can be the opposite.  The book "Co-Dependent No More" is a very good one to start with.

I'm sorry that you have found yourself here due to your spouses MLC, but, it is a very good place to be, with people who understand.

Acorn's is a good thread to read, as she had a live-in MLCer and they are now reconciling.  She and her children had to basically treat him like the eccentric Uncle that lived in the attic.  But there were also many things she did not tolerate from him.  If you have some time, I suggest you check out her threads. 

[rvles1913]

Hi Faith, thanks so much for your reply and advice. His first marriage I’m not 100% sure what happened with them but they ended up hating each other, she may have cheated also. I’m not too sure, never asked. I think they had been separated at least a couple of years before we got together. The kids were mostly with us. With her just sometimes. The oldest child however was with us 100%. The younger too with her sometimes. The kids are all adults now however. The MLC started just as the last one became a grown up. Perfect timing to make it look like he just had me around to help out with the kids but doesn’t need me anymore now that they are independent.
I don’t know of any childhood trauma. He had a pretty good childhood.
We have always had a good relationship. The total flip on me isn’t right and I don’t know how know one else sees how messed up it is. You don’t love and cuddle and be all over your spouse one day and treat them like your worst enemy the next. It’s crazy.
Thank you for the reading suggestions. I will definitely have a look.
Right now just hanging by a thread, trying to look after my daughter best I can, mainly on my own.