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Author Topic: My Story Onwards

M
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My Story Onwards
#10: March 24, 2022, 12:45:32 AM
Hi everyone.
Thought it was time I updated.

Kids have both moved out now. I see them every few days and speak to/message them a lot. They're both doing ok which is great.
I'll be (hopefully) moving soon. Same village but smaller. I'm near enough the kids and it feels the right place to be. I have mixed feelings about moving: on one hand this has been a happy family home with all those memories but on the other it's too big for just me and I'm looking forward to making the new place mine. I think mostly I just wish it was done so I can move on. Not long now I hope.

H. Well. Coming up on 6 years next month since BD. This time last year he was around a LOT. Fog definitely thinner but it closed in on him again by late summer. He was "friends" with OW again so I left him to it. He told me a few months ago he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone so communication gradually and slowly picked up again. Nothing at all like last year though.
2 weeks ago it was S birthday. I asked H if he wanted to have a meal with just us (we were due all to go out with MiL and Sil the next day). He declined. Saturday night and he was going out.
Well I thought that's a red flag. Again. Sure enough he's back in a relationship with OW again. Probably has been for a while I expect.
So that's it. Back to no communication from me. Rope dropped. He had and tried to continue to message me goodnight every night still. When I stopped replying he eventually gave up. Now we barely message unless necessary.

Been here before of course. Still sucks. I'm just disappointed in him. Disappointed in me for having some mild expectations last year when he was doing better. Disappointed that he couldn't keep moving forward. Disappointed that he's still gone back to that relationship that clearly is not the answer (as it's been on off on off so many times).

So that's me. There's probably more I could write but that's the essence of it. Bring on the house move. Glad summer is coming.

Hugs all.
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Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.
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Onwards
#11: March 24, 2022, 01:36:28 AM
Hi Music45,

Nice to read you again but sorry that H still has his head planted firmly up his .... fog....

I hope that your move will be everything that you hope it will be and that your new place is full of life and joy and peace, regardless of what H decides to do.... Sometimes, we look at the situation from the outside and can't do much more than shake our heads and wonder "WTF?" and get on with our lives, right?
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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life
Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.
M
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Onwards
#12: March 24, 2022, 02:12:56 AM
Thanks Ursa. Yes. Dead right. I think it was Sam (not sure - apologies if wrong) who said that watching H is a bit like watching a science experiment. I agree with that 100% as the kids say  ;D.
I'm interested in what's happening but I get on with everything else while it's happening.
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Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.
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Onwards
#13: March 24, 2022, 12:26:42 PM
Hi Music  :D

Six years..... they sure take their time don't they?

Feel for you.

-SS
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W - 43
M - 47
Together 28 years, M 25
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012
M
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Onwards
#14: March 24, 2022, 01:11:31 PM
Don't they though, SS....sigh.
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« Last Edit: March 24, 2022, 01:37:20 PM by Music45 »
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.
s
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Onwards
#15: March 27, 2022, 05:57:51 PM
Nice that you are able to move and still stay near your kids.   Sounds as though you've become well versed in getting on with life and life's happenings. 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.
M
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Onwards
#16: April 05, 2022, 01:23:26 AM
Thanks Still. I have my good days and bad days like everyone but overall I'm ok...I think!

Musing here but do they change "type" these MLCers? Even after so long: 6 years in H's case?

He's been a clinging boomerang throughout. False returns in the first 18 months, touch and go last year but consistent with contact all the way through. Regular messages usually on WhatsApp. Regular calls. Even in his foggiest patches he was never much out of contact. Instigated by him 99% of the time. I just follow his lead.

Until now. I've gone dark on him as he's renewed life with the OW. Been on and off so no surprise there....but this time I've had maybe 2 messages in a month.

Do climbers turn into semi vanishers...even so long after BD?

Just curious...
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Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [worked away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.
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Onwards
#17: April 05, 2022, 03:20:27 AM
Quote from: Music45 on April 05, 2022, 01:23:26 AM
Do clingers turn into semi vanishers...even so long after BD?

Just curious...

Good question and, if I am going to try to taste green with my elbow and guess....

Maybe now that he has renewed his contact with OW and you have enforced your boundary of OW meaning no contact (or very little), he is pulling back because he realizes that you were NOT bluffing.... It could also be that OW is keeping a vice-grip on his doodads so he doesn't have contact with you.... It could also be that he is so ashamed of his weakness for OW that he can't face you  as much as he used to ....

Without being there (like the proverbial fly on the wall) it is impossible to tell what is inside that muddled mind...

YUM YUM!  GREEN!

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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life
Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.
M
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Onwards
#18: April 05, 2022, 05:15:07 AM
Quote
i’m interested in what's happening but I get on with everything else while it's happening
I was just saying this to a friend the other day[/quote]

Quote
Maybe now that he has renewed his contact with OW and you have enforced your boundary of OW meaning no contact (or very little), he is pulling back because he realizes that you were NOT bluffing.... It could also be that OW is keeping a vice-grip on his doodads so he doesn't have contact with you.... It could also be that he is so ashamed of his weakness for OW that he can't face you  as much as he used to
ALL OF THIS!!!!!!  Also, IMHO once they decide they are all in in making this new life work, that when the real disconnect happens. The thick of the fog and living the new life they chose. That what I see. There is a bit of comfort finally in that. Letting them live it. It took me hitting my own rock bottom to get there. Acceptance that “ it is what it is”
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2024 D33 expecting baby ( XH not told)
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Onwards
#19: April 05, 2022, 04:58:27 PM
Good question Music.

I am along the same timeline as you and feel similar. H has been in contact throughout and I could see him recent become a vanisher.  He’s not though but I couldn’t see it before but can imagine it now. It’s just so much better from this side when we don’t see him as much, easier from his side too I imagine. I don’t want to have that though, hard as it is, I’d rather keep a little contact up if i can for the children.

Your H was around more than mine and in daily contact for a long time. My H was around 3 weeks to start with, then 3 months, then around 6 months without much contact. I let him initiate too, almost always.

How are you doing?
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30
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