[Music45]

Thanks Ursa, Mad and Rose.

All of that makes sense Ursa. Completely. What I find interesting though is why now. 6 years in. The OW has been a constant (if on/off) through the last 6 years (it's the same one)...so all of those factors : guilt, pressure from her etc. must have been present before...

Maybe you're right Mad, maybe he's finally committed to the other life or trying to and is trying to make that work, without the inconvenience of having a wife! Ridiculous when you actually type it out.

Who knows? And before Ursa tells me off, I know I can't taste green with my elbow....

[MadLuv]

I think they do need us out of the “picture” to live their new life fully without us to blame for any of their unhappiness. It took me a while to get their, but honestly there is no doubt for me that his OW is nothing. Nada!! My X married her after only having 26 dates spread out over 9 months. Then lost his job of 38 years due to poor performance. A job he should have been able to do in his sleep. That shows total mind failure to function. Now new marriage and no job and severe depression. My X is showing it all doesn't work out. Some of us get to see it clearly and some of us don't, but as my therapist says…when they go to kay their head down at night do you think they sleep? No, thats when all of it begins to weigh heavy on their soul. I believe that. So, let them live it.

[gman242]

I think all of our xes are similar! That's why they say it follows a script!

My XW kept up contact for several years as she dragged out the divorce. I found out OM wasn't divorced as she claimed.

I don't remember who got divorced first, but it clearly was a game of chicken for them! After they both divorced, they got married. XW got fired somewhere in the mix too. Oh so script! 😂

She's now thrown herself into getting through college. I'd say good for her, but I think it's another form of avoidance. I know she's living with guilt and regret as she was involuntary committed soon after our divorce.

What a tangled web they weave! But they're the ones trapped in it.

[Music45]

Hello everyone
I'm not sure who's still around from 2016 but I caught up with Keeping It Together's thread and I thought maybe I should update mine.

Unlike in KiTs situation though (BD around the same time), my H shows no sign of coming out of his MLC.

He's gone from a clinging boomerang for over 6 years (messages every day etc) and with a lengthy t&g which ended last summer -  to a semi vanisher.

He called me out of the blue last Monday and told me he's going to New Zealand (we're in the UK) for 3 months in the New Year. With the OW.
I'd heard of this from S a while ago but didn't think it was for so long.

S was with him the next day and said his Dad is aware that he's running from something and that there's something not right...but he's either unwilling or unable to talk to someone or whatever to get the help he needs.

I don't know what to make of this latest development.  As in how it affects my stand. I'm just getting on with life. Moved house in May do have started the long process of doing the place up. Been going to work. Very close to S and D.
Not really sure though how to continue my stand now. He's still running and changed his "contact type". I clearly feature very little in his thoughts now. Even 6 months ago I'd gave been surprised at this latest turn - given how much I saw and heard from him.

Hugs all.

[Treasur]

He's gone from a clinging boomerang for over 6 years (messages every day etc) and with a lengthy t&g which ended last summer -  to a semi vanisher.

He called me out of the blue last Monday and told me he's going to New Zealand (we're in the UK) for 3 months in the New Year. With the OW.
I'd heard of this from S a while ago but didn't think it was for so long.

S was with him the next day and said his Dad is aware that he's running from something and that there's something not right...but he's either unwilling or unable to talk to someone or whatever to get the help he needs.

I don't know what to make of this latest development.  As in how it affects my stand. I'm just getting on with life.

Nice to hear from you, Music! Different situation here, but similar timescale. Can’t recall, are you legally divorced now or just separated? How old are your kids?

From stories here, those changes in contact ‘types’ are not unusual over time. I guess if you use MLC logic, it’s like throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks...still not ‘happy’ so i’ll try x or y now.

On a practical level, as someone with a long vanished Vanisher lol, I think there comes a point where what they do or don’t do no longer makes much difference to how everyday life is to you. In NZ or down the road, partying like a happy spring lamb or sobbing into their boots unseen, it all has no real effect on your own day to day life, challenges and joys. Which in a strange way is actually the gift of a vanisher imho. And it allows one perhaps to chew less on whether one is standing or not until or unless something changes that raises the question again. One learns I think, as it sounds you are doing, to just do life regardless.

A bit odd, of course, that he thought his plans needing announcing to you or that you would care  well, not odd for a self-obsessed MLCer unable to look beyond their own nose, of course  Does it matter to you now? Why do you think he felt the need to share this information with you? Is it something you feel you need to muse on at all?

Sounds as if the rest of life is going ok though?

[xyzcf]

Hello Music45, thanks for dropping by with your update.

Your son's observation is very astute:

S was with him the next day and said his Dad is aware that he's running from something and that there's something not right...but he's either unwilling or unable to talk to someone or whatever to get the help he needs.

What is hard to wrap our heads around is how many years they continue down this path. Looking for that "next big thing" that will satisfy their hearts. Do they ever find it? I don't know because I am not in their head.

This tremendous shift in them, although we can "see" it..it is still difficult at times to accept this is who they have become....

I don't know what to make of this latest development.  As in how it affects my stand. I'm just getting on with life. Moved house in May do have started the long process of doing the place up. Been going to work. Very close to S and D.

Over time, healing allows us to move forward in our own life. Like you, I have a very close relationship with my daughter who also is very aware of the changes in her father.

Standing is such an individual and complicated thing. It is also very mysterious because I would never have thought this would be my path...and yet it is. It hasn't changed, although I  question and wonder why.....but mostly I accept that this is God's desire for me....it is not about my husband's returning, but my own inner beliefs and how I wish to live my life.

You will know what is right for you. Standing doesn't mean putting my life on hold or waiting for him to return. Two things of many that it means to me is that I don't date (and there are several reasons I think for that) and the door has always remained opened for my husband to come back to our family.

Nobody can decide for you.

He's gone from a clinging boomerang for over 6 years (messages every day etc) and with a lengthy t&g which ended last summer -  to a semi vanisher.

It is quite common for the MLCer to do this...periods where they interact more with us, then long periods of time go by without hearing from them and then we hear from them again. This can be very unsettling until we reach a point where we  are very aware that this is his "pattern". As Ursa says...trying to understand it is like trying to taste the color green.

Although I continue to remain interested in the subject of what causes MLC (just like I am fixated on COVID having been an infectious disease nurse for much of my career) I also accept that there is much I cannot explain or comprehend about his life.

I hope you are enjoying your new home and your son and daughter.

One thing about his announcement that he is going to NZ and why he would let you know....I remember being told a long time ago that the MLCer is like a little boy about to get on his school bus, and he looks back to see if you are there watching him.

You are a person that he trusts, no matter how far away, he will continue to have a connection to you. What it means down the road, best not to focus on that because we truly do not know what life holds for us.

(((HUGS))) back and enjoy this beautiful holiday season!

[Music45]

Hello Treasur - thank you for your reply. My S is 30 and D is 23. I am their stepmum - they have no contact with their Mum [their choice and that's a whole other story]. We are separated in every practical way but not divorced. H has never brought it up and I haven't felt like it so far.

I don't know why he called to tell me. He sounded very odd. I'd say nervous. Apprehensive. Certainly not entitled or matter of fact. He also tried to justify the trip - which contradicted what he'd told S some months ago. I don't know why he felt that necessary. As you rightly say, in all practical terms, he could be a mile away for 3 months and I might not see him now.

For some reason, for me, his trip feels significant - and I can't put my finger on why.

Thanks xyzcf. S is astute...he picks up far more than he appears to. He and D have a lot of baggage from their relationship with their Mum and one of the consequences of this is that S doesn't show much emotion and can seem a bit cold - when in fact he notices everything and feels things deeply. He's in counselling and has been for some time and will be for some time - mainly because his mum and a lot now because of his Dad [who definitely did not want to be a parent anymore at BD - he said as much]
Poor kids. Both parents have turned out to be challenging - though I hope in H's case, it's not permanent and damage can be repaired. I'm fairly sure that S would have nothing more to do with his mum now. D is more forgiving - so don't know in her case. She's certainly less critical of her Dad that S is - even though she calls out behaviour by celebrities who too have had affairs and left their families - somehow she doesn't seem as critical of her own dad for doing the same.

The interesting thing about S's convo with H is that it was H who said he knows he's got a problem - knows he's trying to outrun something but doesn't know what. He said as much apparently. But he HAS to go to New Zealand. HAS TO GO. S is baffled by this. S is also baffled by H and the OW. Has now told H that when he sees him, he doesn't want to see her too. S says both are broken and believes she calls the shots. He doesn't like her - and he did try. He went through a period where he just wanted to "live and let live" and if she was there then he'd just get on with it.
Having tried that and spent more time with her - he now says he just doesn't like her and does not understand what his Dad is doing with her. Says their relationship is nothing like his Dad and me.
{none of this is for my benefit btw - I neither encourage or deter. They are adults}

So there it is. The thing about standing for me is - that I found it easier when I had contact with H. Albeit just messages mostly. I have had periods when I've gone dark before. This is the longest we've been without contact - in all these 6+ years.

Thanks both for your insights
x

[MadLuv]

You know my XH has also acknowledged he has a problem and he doesn’t want to face it, so it is just easier to run.  They think that and then realize it all catches up. Maybe this is another moment where he realizes he cant escape himself and so the big 3 month trip might just do it!! 

Kudos to you on being such a good parent to kids that need that in their life. How lucky are they? Pretty darn lucky.

[Music45]

Thanks MadLuv, for your lovely words. I feel very lucky to have them in my life.

[Music45]

Hello
Thought I'd do a quick update as it's been 3+ months...and the news is....there isn't any!

H went on his 3 month trip to NZ with OW. I didn't hear from him at all while he was away. He came back the day before S' birthday so I saw him then and have had a little contact with him re some family matters but effectively he's gone from 6+ years as a clinger (and former boomerang) to a semi-vanisher.

So...coming up on 7 years since BD and....