[MourningDove]

I don't feel like the storm is over in my life. There are too many loose ends with what has gone on in the past few months. Some are just life events, like unplanned pandemics and my own health issues that arose that have created some hiccups in life. Others parts are still disrupted by the MLCer, although they have become less frequent. The biggest problems with Xh arise when it comes to the kids and while they are adults, it still does affect me on different levels.

I am always going to be their M and I can't shut off the protective, loving side. I have had to learn when to step away and let them deal with things and when to just be there for them to give them support and a hug. I can' fix the relationship Xh no longer fosters with the kids. It is his choice to dismantle those relationships all on is own and for the kids to decided how they want to handle it.

This morning, a quote popped up on my Facebook page that really seems to be resonating with me.

"Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path".

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11776.0

[Dumbfounded]

Coming along for the ride.

I know they are not my monkeys, but I can hear that circus down the street and I know my kids have tickets.

   

[FaithWalker]

Attaching

[stillbaffled]

Also following along, MD.

[MourningDove]

Thanks Dumbfounded, FaithWalker, & stillbaffled. 

Well, I over did it. My doctor warned me. Luckily, it is just a warning shot from my body telling me "um -- no". I lifted something that clearly my body is not ready for and it wasn't like I was trying to break some world record, but it was probably 75 lbs. I only lifted it enough to get it off the floor and move it just a smidge. Yah, bad idea.

Fortunately, I know when to quit. The problem being, it frustrates me.

What is amazing is those who know me realize I just am trying to get things done and I don't have the luxury of having anyone around who can help when I need it. And these are in the moments that I really can't just wait. It has nothing to do with somehow wanting to control things. I end up trying to figure out how to do it on my own, not because I am trying to prove something. I simply want to make progress. Yet, now in my search for progress, I have set myself back a little. Not enough to have to go to the doctor or be put on some type of bedrest, etc, but I know when my body is telling me to knock it off and it is usually when that stubborn side of me in my head is not listening. 

I found myself really upset with myself this morning. My sister called and as we talked I told her I would love to just be able to not have to be rebuilding facets of my life. These unplanned projects have been hampered by delays and it is wearing me down. Even if I could just hire a contractor to do it all, it would be months to find a contractor that has time to take on such things. And, the supplies I need are not readily available.

In the grand scheme, it is nothing. That is, I could be dealing with far worse. I realize that. This set back is temporary and I will have to adjust my expectations for now.

I guess in some ways the heat is a blessing, because it is making me very lazy, but I know sitting around is not good for me today. I am in my head too much today. And, it is not about anything in particular, just so many things going on that I have no control over and conversations I have had to have with my M the past couple of days.

My M's surgery is coming up. She hates the idea of laying flat again for 5 days. She did not enjoy that. My F laughed at me when he heard me laying it out for my M. He knows I am very caring and loving, but I know I can be blunt. This called for being brutally honest. I simply told her it was well within her right to cancel her surgery, as it is her body and she is of sound mind, BUT her eyesight is getting worse and she will go blind. That is the harsh reality. If she loses sight in that eye, her days of driving are done and she will be incredibly frustrated, as she is frustrated now. She gave me a look of shock and said she knew I was right and 5 days of laying flat is better than not being able to see. Then she tried the other approach of what if it doesn't work. After running the scenarios and what the doctor told her, she agreed it has to happen.

This morning, my M called to tell me her best friend died.

I called my sister and said I need her help. I can't do this on my own all the time. It was great that she and her family had a vacation with my parents, but I need her to step up for the hard stuff. And, my sister is good with these things. She just has to be asked. My M does not tell my sister things because my sister lives farther away and has younger kids. I was willing to accept that answer when my niece and nephew were little. Not anymore. And, my sister will come and help. I just have to ask, which is not easy for me. Just like moving that stupid thing that I shouldn't have, I just want a solution and sometimes it is quicker and easier for me to address it right then and there.

Asking for help, has become much harder since MLC. I didn't want to burden people. I had a need to feel strong on my own - that I could do it, because Xh had me convinced I would fail miserably. Now the problem is, I have perhaps overcompensated there. I do like when people help me. I am not that stubborn, but I am not good about asking. I learned in MLC how to survive on my own as part of my mirror work. Now, I need to go back and try a different approach and do different mirror work and retrain myself.

So today, instead of lifting heavy objects and doing things I should now hold off on, I will finish installing D's closet, which is all light weight and she will be home in awhile from work to help me put the shelves up. I will behave. 

[MadLuv]

FW-

It’s frustrating when our minds want to do something our bodies no longer want to do. I have struggled with those moments of the need to get things done and disregarding what my body can handle. Thank goodness there is enough things we can do, so we don’t get discouraged on what we can’t. Sounds like you have many projects going a d keeping busy.

I need to get some of your motivation and get some things done.

[FaithWalker]

So sorry to hear about your M's friend, MD.  That has to be hard and I'm not looking forward to the days when I am older and I start to lose many people that I know and love.

Good for you to realize your limitations, and take it easy!  Also great that you called your sister for support with your M.  Definitely a good call.

[MourningDove]

Thank you, FaithWalker.

My M's friend lost her H in the spring, and I believe that is part of why she herself died. She was down and missed him terribly. Because she was not able to get around on her own any more, they moved her into a nursing home closer to her S's house, but it was away from all of her lifelong friends. Her S and D went to see her, but I know she had a horrible time adjusting to this new situation and I am of the belief that when she got sick recently that she really just had no fight left in her.

I spent some time with my M last night. She seems better realizing that her friend had some big health issues that she knew about but in many ways ignored. It was perhaps a good reality check for my M, in that she did admit she is in really pretty good health for her age and she has a lot to be grateful for and to live for. She wants to be around when her grandchildren graduate high school and college. She wants to enjoy the time she has with my F. I reminded her that she comes from a long line of women who lived well into their late 90s with their faculties in tact and in good health. She laughed saying that might not be her. I came back with, but it might be and so she could get up every morning and focus on dying or she could focus on living it was her choice.

My F, he has found something to motivate him with this news. He was in a creative slump and it was concerning my M. He has not been out in his studio for what seems like months. He has had no desire to create, which is a big shock. Last night, he was sketching out a new idea for the upcoming exhibit in September that he has been avoiding doing any work for. He seemed excited last night about it. I didn't ask what prompted this spark, but my suspicion is he realized he thought about how this friend of my M's spent many months sitting in her chair and not getting any real exercise. She gave up months ago, TBH.

It brought about a conversation with my F about his parents and my grandmother in particular. They were fighters and overcame some pretty big life events. My grandmother outlived my grandfather by over 30 years. I often wonder if his doctor had not dismissed his shortness of breath and gotten him to a heart specialist if he would have lived longer. Or was it just his time? My grandmother just kept going and laughed right up until the end, even when she could no longer form a full sentence. She had a twinkle in her eye the week before she died and the last time I would sit with her for a couple of hours while my F sang to her and talked to her. It is that same fight my F says he sees in me even though I have days I want to just curl up in a ball and give up completely.

S came up and went outside with my F while I sat with my M. I went outside to check on what they were up to and S was working on my F's MG. It had quit a couple of weeks back and when he tried to restart it, there had been a small fire that my F quickly put out before there was any damage to the car or anything else for that matter. F had joked that is why he always keeps a fire extinguisher in the car. S laughed and said that is where I must get that idea from and why he too has one in his car. S had it running last night, after pulling the wires and ignition, to find the wiring was original and had a bare spot. S was able to get it all back in order and my F was like a kid. He took it for a spin around the block as soon as he could.

When S came home, he brought up my grandmother. We hadn't been talking about her when S was there, so IDK if my F brought it up or what, but S was old enough to remember my grandmother when she was lucid. He smiled and told me last night that he can still vividly picture my grandmother at my F's age now, sitting down on the floor with S in her living room and rolling a ball back and forth between them. He also recalled sitting at my grandmother's kitchen table and eating cookies and the adults including him in conversations. I have some of the same memories growing up.

I am realizing more and more my grandmother's wise words really ring true. She lived her life. When people would joke about another year passing and her getting older she wouldn't be upset. She said she had two options and that was to get older and live or to not get older and, well there ultimately was only one way to stop time, so she would go with the option to get older. She really did not focus on that at all.

When I came home, I began thinking about Xh a bit. Just in the sense that he has not dealt with all of the death around him. I get it - it is not easy. But, in not dealing with it, he chose to run the opposite way as if to avoid the pain or perhaps his own mortality. The reality is, you can't outrun those things. They catch up to you one way or another. And the fact of the matter is, you can dye your hair and have botox or any number of things to make you feel younger or look younger, but you can't change that eventual outcome either.

[MourningDove]

There are moments where the dreams I have just seem so out of reach. Things I long for. Some are simple, others seem like impossible wishes. It is not like me to let these things somehow weigh me down. I can't claim that today. I feel as if I should just wipe my board of dreams clean and just accept things are the way they are and settle. Would that be the worst thing in the world?

I was looking out the window of my kitchen and noticed the sunflowers in the garden have emerged. They are S's GF's favorite flowers, as they were MIL's. S had seeds left over from that came from the original flowers planted by MIL.

There is one sunflower looking as if it is hanging it's head, sadly and just beat down. I laughed and wanted to say "yah, I get that today". But the rest of the flowers are standing and it seems almost impossible that these flowers are standing at all on these thin stalks, especially since there was a storm last night with high winds. Somehow they survived.

MIL, when I first met her, had so many issues. I will always give her a huge amount of credit though, as she owned her own failures, although it was when she became a grandmother. She and I became quite close later in her life and I realize Xh became jealous of that. It was only that she was very creative and at one point wanted my help learning how to paint.

MIL often told me to not waste my life like she did. She quit living when FIL left. She gave up on any dreams she had maybe this is a gentle reminder for me. A little tap on the shoulder.

Even the sunflower hanging it's head low today is in fact standing. It is not laying on the ground. It is just having a day. 

And, I am going to allow myself to have this day. I know that some of it is just the weight of this week. And the oppressive heat is exhausting. It sucks all of the energy from me by midday.

I won't think about dreams today. I will focus on just being okay with settling - that is, just getting through today and not worrying about anything else. I will table those decisions I have to make by next week for just today because I know I will question everything today.

I did laugh last night, when S came into the house with a jar. He had found it in the garage. I knew what it was immediately. It was something Xh acquired early in the MLC from a family member he had met that summer. It was a pepper onion relish that was homemade. Now, I know things can be preserved for a very long time, but this was easily 8 years old, if not older.

What had me laughing is just like the MLCer himself, the outside looked fine. That is, it didn't look like it was spoiled somehow or bad. None of us plan on eating it's contents, so I decided to open the jar and dump it out. I loosened the ring and then pulled the top off. When it didn't make the tell tale popping sound, I figured it was not good anyways. It didn't smell bad, although I was prepared to have an immediate gag reflex, but the center of this relish was clearly no longer fresh. It made me laugh a bit, thinking that is pretty much a visual of what Xh is like. Looks fine on the outside, but pop the top and the insides are a mess.

S and I laughed as we ended up with a really cool older mason jar that I will use to put a tea light in out on the back deck.

Huh - the sun came out and that little sad sunflower has perked up a bit. Maybe I need to take in some sunshine too. Hmmm.

[MourningDove]

People mean well. At least, I would say most people do. But, when they don't really know you or understand who you are it can be very aggravating and actually cause stress when they try to help.

This morning, I opened up my emails and there was an email from a guy I knew from high school. Had he tracked me down through something like Facebook, I wouldn't have been as shocked, but this was my personal email. Not my work email, which would be public knowledge. I am very careful about giving out my personal information and always have been. So, I had to process for a minute how this would have occurred. Hmmm.

Then it hit me. Last week at the garden party my friend's mother was there. She used to work for this guy's F many years ago and brought up how I went to this guy's junior prom with him. Yah, I did. I was a sophomore at the time. We were friends, but only friends - at least that is how I saw it. That night after the prom, I was suddenly showered continually with gifts and flowers, etc. He was trying to buy my affection and we quit being friends. He came from a very wealthy family and he had some insecurities for a variety of reasons, one being he was not the favored S. He was the oldest, but his brothers, particularly the youngest, everyone knew was the kid that just shined all the time and was doted on. I had tried at the time to be this guy's friend and tell him to quit trying to buy people and just be himself. The gifts, although thoughtful, were also very clear that he didn't really get me at all. That is, I don't like to be just given gifts just because. The ones with meaning behind them matter more to me.

The best example I can think of right now would be to say one of my favorite gifts was from S. A rock he brought back from the field when he was 15. We had seen it on a walk and he remembered I had said that would be great in my gardens. He went back months later and dug it up for part of my Mother's Day gift. I had forgotten about it. The fact that S remembered was what touched me. It was the sentiment.

Had that been this guy, he would have seen said rock and might have gotten me a rock, but would have gone out and bought me some store bought version that was all sparkly with some crazy certification noting it's value.

It is not that I don't like nice things or sometimes have gotten things that are of monetary value that I somehow have thought less of the sentiment, but my point is, this guy was always buying me things to try and impress me. It was exhausting. I was never going to be, nor am I now anyone who would date anyone just because they were successful and had money.

The sad thing is, he was a nice guy underneath it all. He didn't outgrow that need to show off from what I know. I know that his F, in order to maintain this guy's standing and popularity at his college bought a house for a fraternity so the guy could belong to the fraternity. The guy never had a role model to show him that is not how you make and maintain true friendships or relationships. You don't buy them.

So, must be last weekend, when this friend's mom found out I was now divorced that she should try and reunite us somehow.  And she is one of those moms who likes to play matchmaker. I have no doubt it was her because looking back, when she realized I was the one who had gone to the prom with him, she spent an awful lot of time telling me about what he was up to.. It hadn't clicked with me at all at the time what she was doing. She was sharing and grabbing intel. I was just having a conversation. I had heard through the grapevine he had a very good job and is extremely successful. I am not surprised, as he was always very smart. I learned that he never married. All of this in our conversation never made me stop and think that I should walk away from this woman. There was nothing suspect in that exchange that made me think she would step out of bounds. And there is no other way that this occurred. There is no coincidence here, based on the timing, considering this woman is still very good friends with his M.

So, there this email was. Oh sure, I could tell him I would have dinner with him. I am sure I could probably, if I were a different person, weasel my way into his life again and become a woman who is very well taken care of, as that was what he was honestly always after. I could retire completely and play Bridge or be a fixture at the country club. I know this because while I haven't seen him in years, I still stay in touch with people who do know him.

I called my friend this morning and told her. She was very calm and said "well, he was a nice guy" and then she laughed. Not at him, but at the thought of me entering into even a dating situation with this man. I told her that would be the end of my working on projects and running around covered in paint. She told me I might have to learn how to also play Canasta.

I started laughing because I asked her if she could picture me standing next to this man like his M did with her H. Dutiful W, who just smiled and never expressed herself at all. My friend giggled. I clean up really well and can do the whole black tie affair behavior, but never would I ever be one to not have a conversation and express my own opinions and thoughts.

I am not so upset with this man. He was given my contact information. It is not making me feel weird in that regard. It is, however annoying me that people think that just because I am divorced, and technically single that it means I am somehow looking. I don't share what goes on in my life with just anyone.

My simple answer to this man is I am flattered, but it would be unfair of me to go out on a date with him, as I have feelings that reside with someone else.

I wish people would stop trying to think for me or believe I need that type of help. If anything, it is causing me stress. LOL.