[UrsaMajor]

Oh look! It's Sam's H in her presence!

[Music45]

Great update Sam
You sound so together. Our H's are do similar as mine is properly on "off"mode right now.
The way you interact with your H and get on with your life is inspiring, it really is.

[MadLuv]

Sam, that he is in your presence but uncomfortable is pretty script as well, right? My XH at one point got the shakes if he had to walk back in our house. He also stated that when he would drive up to the house it seemed further and further away. I think they know this should feel like home, but they have made that difficult and with that is the uneasiness of it all. I can’t imagine, but it has to be scary.

Glad to hear surgery went well and you are on the mend. There is something liberating about getting through tough moments you used to have a partner for, but you make it through just fine on your own. I’m just starting to recognize this after some very low moments. Each one makes us stronger.

[Sam I Am]

UM...too funny!

Music...ty...I do nothing special other than treat him like any other human....everything is business like and that makes it easy in a way.  I no longer have the desire to be involved with him at an emotional level so business like is all I can offer.

MadLuv...script....sounds like it based on your experiences.  Who knows....it can be funny at times and I try hard not to lol in his presense.

[Sam I Am]

Typical of mlc....I get used to his absence and now I am bombarded with presence.

Since 4.10....he has been in touch either in person or via phone for 12 out of 17 days.   Complete opposite of the last few months.

There have been visits...some short....some longer.  He has stopped by the house and actually stayed a bit....hung out at the door...didn't get too comfy...but stayed and talked.  He has came by to do chores at the house.  There have been short phone calls multiple times and even a few longer ones where he talked about his family for a bit.  More sharing via texts and snaps too. 

This week he surprised me and asked me to ride along to visit Son and I did and it was a near normal H that day.  His mood was lighter than I have seen since last April.  He smiled...joked but I notice he still does not like silence.....talk talk talk talk talk about anything that popped into his mind.  It was a nice trip.  I have not been included in family visits for so long, I can't remember the last time.  Maybe last summer...just don't know.

So he has been more communicative and involved for the last few weeks and the first thing that comes to my mind is what is up with him.  Why all of a sudden being nice and staying in touch?  I was non existent for over 6 months and I got quite used to the peace.

My thoughts are due to the lack trust that I have developed regarding him from over the years.  He has given me no reason to trust him at all so now I question his motives.  In the back of my mind....he has an ulterior motive.   Hind site lets me see where he has been nice...helpful...communicative....involved....only to get what he wants and draw away again.

So for me....I am being nice.  Sweet...courteous....answering his questions but divulging no info.

Now it is me that is being distant and waiting to see this out and see what happens in time.  Time will tell.  It always does.

[MadLuv]

Wow Sam that’s crazy or is it? Haha  Sounds like your handling it great. I’m curious on all the talk talk talk. I know you were not divulging much, but did he ask anything about what you had been up to? 

[Sam I Am]

Wow Sam that’s crazy or is it? Haha

   Everything in MLC seems crazy to us from the outside looking in.   I can't imagine what is going on inside them.  Some people have came here and shared and their input is so helpful in having some understanding on how bad that life is.

Sounds like your handling it great.

  Thank you!  I just do me.  Keep it light!  I let him lead and guide and I support.  I feel like a bobblehead doll....a lot of nodding!

I’m curious on all the talk talk talk. I know you were not divulging much, but did he ask anything about what you had been up to?

  The talk, talk, talk is just him filling the air with things he feels comfortable talking about.   The family, work, buying another car then not buying because he doesn't know what to do....his hair, his activities, his family, the tree we passed on the highway, the roadkill.  Whatever pops up is what we talk about until he changes the topic.

Does he ask about me.  Hardly ever.  Never about what I am doing.  He has asked about my knee a few times or what office I will be working at on a particular day but that is mostly because he wants to know where I will be so he knows when and how to swap cars.  Ultimately it goes back to him.

When I say i don't divulge.  I don't volunteer anything.  I don't make a convo about me at all.  I don't give my opinion unless it is asked of me and then I try to get his ideas first...if they sound good...I just say...that sounds like a great idea.  If I have different thoughts, then I say something like...I have a different idea...what do you think of this.....

I try to turn it back to him because I feel like that is his safety zone.  I want him to see that I do value his input and his thoughts and his ideas.  Most of the time, it helps us come to a happy middle ground.

Ex:  Pool problems...the liner was pulling loose in 1 small area.

Me:  H...what would you suggest we do?
H:  I would fill it up and see what happens.
Me:  Do you think the weight of the water could pull down more liner?
H:  Hmmm....yeah that could happen?
Me:  do you think it would be a good idea to get a repair person to look at it before putting in more water?
H:  Yeah.  So who do we call?
Me:  Maybe do some google searchers for someone reputable and close by?
H:  Sounds good.  Let me know what they say.

This is just an example of how I try to keep him involved when he is involved.   If he had not noticed the liner....I would have just taken care of it without him. 

I don't bring him into things that I can handle on a day to day basis.  Big things that would affect him....I keep him in the loop and let him decide what he wants involved in and what he doesn't.

We are not to a point where he really wants to know anything about me unless it because there is a benefit to him.   I accept it and am not bothered by it.

My only concern is more about me.   I am getting used to not sharing and I have no issue with it.   Will I be able to open up again in the future IF he ever comes back?   What if he doesn't and I move on....will I always be closed off because this is now part of the new me?

Things that make me think!

[MadLuv]

Sam- your a professional at this point.  That all sounds perfect on how to handle it.  I think you do just get used to not talking about yourself or sharing. It’s like no expectations before even talking !! Hehe

[Sam I Am]

Mad....lol....not a professional at all.  We just learn to change and adapt as we go through this process.

Not all of it is bad.  Most of it is good and makes us better people overall....if we take the time to learn and grow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 H keeps surprising me in his actions right now.

I got a call last week that he is going to see son again this weekend and invited me to go along again.   Sure...why not!  I love to see my son!

This time the trip was not as fun.  He was less like the near normal H I saw the week before.  More somber.  Less chatty.  More times of silence.   I was ok with all this.  I don't need to have background noise or yacking.  Silence is good.

When we got home, he decided to mow his parents house and mine.  Each takes about an hour.  When he did his parents house....he was gone for 3 plus hours.  This means there is a possibility that he did grass for ow1 and ow2's Mom.  He skipped my parents.  Told my Dad to do it himself this week.  LOL! 

He then started to look around my yard and TELL me things that needed done.  Including week whacking.  Son has mind right now, so I asked H to let me use his this week.....then he wanted to know if he should do it or me.  Told him, I know you are busy....I can work on.

There is a large limb down in the yard.  Told him I would use the wench on the atv to move it this week.  He told me no.  I might accidentally dig the limb into the ground and tear up the e-fence.  Ok I said.  Then he told me that he would hook a chain to his mower and he would drag it back.   In my head....how is that any different than what I wanted to do?   I didn't say a word  Not worth it.  I just said....ok....I'll let it for you.

We had one strange moment on the trip.....I asked him if he can help with the dogs a few days this week.   He said NO and left it at that.   I just said ok.    Eventually he got tired of the silence and then he started yacking again.

We shall see how things go moving forward.  Now that I know he has vacation this week, I look for him to disappear again.  He usually takes this time to visit ow2 that lives out of state. 

He told me a month ago he was heading to the cabin to hunt and I totally forgot all about it but he told my daughter he wouldn't be around to hunt with her next weekend and he told my parents he doesn't know when he will get back to the cabin again....so obviously....his plans have changed and the way he clammed up it was something he doesn't want to discuss with me.  Oh well. 

This is about the time of year when he started into pulling away last year.   He was coming closer...then went on an out of town visit and kept pulling away more and more over the last year.   April was the first time  in nearly a year that he came closer in any sense of the form.   

All I know is he is gone for the next week and I don't have to worry about him popping in anywhere for anything!   Guess I am getting a vacay too!

[UrsaMajor]

Wash....





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Repeat........