[Sam I Am]

For the last 2 weekends, H and I have spent time together while helping a family member move.  I have seen different things with him in the 3 days we were together.

1.  Near normal H
2.  Distant but friendly H
3.  Helpful H
4.  Volunteering but not following thru H
5.  Brain dead H.

The last one gave me pause.  Brain dead H.  This was the H I saw yesterday.  The group of us (4) would have convos which included H or at least in his presence.  Sometime later H would say something about the convo that we already had.

ex:  Talked about moving bushes because they were too big.  Told him where I thought they should go.  two hours later he looked up info on the bushes then says...."I think it would be to move them to X place...what do you think?".   It was like he never heard what I said early.

Another time we were talking about someone with covid....later he said to me....Oh....now I know what you were talking about earlier.

Lastly, my DIL lashed out at him and said WTF is wrong with you.  Do you have demetia or something?  We just talked about this and settled it.

I can't say it is brain fog like forgetting.....it seems more like distraction that keeps him from getting involved in the convos at the time they are happening and he revisits them later with his opinion that he didn't share earlier.

It reminds me of time immediately before BD.  I would discuss things with him and he would nod or confirm and then later he wouldn't know what I was talking about.  I hindsite I remembered he was on his phone....most likely texting OW1 so it didn't matter what I said or did....he was distracted.  That is what yesterday felt like again only he wasn't on his phone much....he was just sitting and looking out towards or playing with the dogs. 

Who knows....this was my observation?

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Here are some other things that H is showing on a regular basis...at least for now:

1.  He doesn't like to come into the house when I am there.  He is content to stand in the doorway on the step just outside the house.  I even said, it is ok to come in...his response....That's ok...I am comfortable here.

2.  He can't come by or make contact without a reason.  Ex:  Saturday I had seen him at PB.  A few hours later he showed up to find a coat that S wanted.  In the past, he would have had S contact me or he would have sent a text that said S needs this...please pull it out for tomorrow.  So he showed up, then stood outside talking.  Then he says, I'll be back after work to hook up the trailer.   

He could have combined the two trips and just hooked up then or came by later to get the coat and hook up the trailer.  I know it felt strange to me when he was there.....who knows what he was feeling or thinking.  Definately was not efficient to come back twice.

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Things he shared with me recently:

He gets very tired while driving.  He says it is because he gets up and then does PB and does things right up until the time he goes to work.  He gets sleepy driving at work because it is the first he relaxed since waking up.    This is very scary to me.  This is the not first time he told me he struggled to stay awake while driving.  However, he has to choose between relaxing or running all over to take care of 4 households.  This is all his choice except for helping with his parents. 

He told me he struggles to sleep well at night most nights.  Says his knee and back pain is due to a bed that is too small since he is so tall.  He only sleeps well 1 or 2 nights a week and that is usually due to him taking a tylenol pm.  Sucks to be him.  I am very comfy in my bed which was purchased for him to meet his size.  Suck it up buttercup.  This is what you chose!

He restated that he is happy to help with the dogs on the days he works but he doesn't want to commit to anything on his off days.  All I said is I get it and respect that.  I still do my best to not ask him or his sister to help.  However, I won't let the dogs suffer either.  AFTER all, he is back to calling them OUR dogs....not the dogs.  Never know how long this will last.   

[FaithWalker]

I bet it his hard to see him with all those different personalities (or lack of in some cases). 

[Sam I Am]

Hi Faith...hope you are well.

Is it hard to see him going through the different personalities?   No.  Not really at all.   There are several reasons that jump out at me.

1.  I grew up with a bi-polar parent and saw different personas emerge all the time.  Happy.  Sad.  Angry.  Compassionate.  Distant.  Crazy.  I saw the highs and lows and the manic swings and learned to read what was coming based on facial expressions.

H doesn't have the facial expression but seeing the different ways he acts is not much different than what I knew from childhood.  It is just a different person doing it.

2.  Being an MLC vetern now (I think I can say that being close to 5 years in), I have educated myself enough to know that there is no real H right now.  What I am seeing is him adjusting to the situation he is in.  Even when it is not appropriate to those around.  He is being reactionary most of the time.    I say this because I have also seen a juvinile H pop up to.  That H is very teenage like.  Bad jokes or comments and/or stands in the background which reminds me of someone with low self esteem just trying to melt into the wall and not be seen

3.  Detachment helps of course.  I accept that this is no longer the man I knew and loved.  I don't know if I will ever fully love him again but he is still the father of our children and we are forever entwined.  I learned to just watch....observe and make no comments or eye rolls out loud when in his company.  These are the times when I envision him inside a snow globe that was shook up and I am the one outside looking in. 

[Sam I Am]

The craziness continues.

H made plans to come to my house last night to unload the trailer and put things away.  Per the convo from the prior day, he was going to have his sister and nephew all come to my house to get what they were taking from the trailer.  That is not what happened.

I show up at home, H had the trailer ready to be unloaded.  No sister or nephew to help.  So we unloaded what was staying with me.  Next I am told that he plans on taking the trailer to nephews.  Actual words...."I was planning on us taking the trailer to N, then we will drop it off at your parents (aka my parents house), then we will return to the house (my house) to pick up the stuff for D.  Then we are gonna take that out to D in the back of the truck."

So I considered and figured why not.  That mouse in H's pockets is speaking for both of us again.   LOL.

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While on our little adventure, H shared some stuff.  Nothing major, but he shared.

1.  He is looking to buy a car.  Waiting for the dealership to let him know when he can go see it.  He wants something that is affordable in case he gets a job where he is laid off part of the year.  He is budgeting based on that income.

2.  He is job searching again.  Yet not really job searching.  He was counting on an union job but never got called for it.  He knows he doesn't want to stay where he is now, but hasn't applied for anything else yet either.  He is looking but says no openings right now.  He was going to go to one trucking company but decided against it.  He is talking another trucking company but most of their work is 3rd into 1st shift and that doesn't make him happy either.  So for now he is staying put until the right thing comes along.

3.  He informed me he went to the The House at about 1 pm.  There was yard work that needed done.  He doesn't expect me to be able to do it all by myself so he showed up to do things.  He informed me that some stuff bothers him and I don't know about all the little things that bother and irritate him so he shows up to do some of the yard work.  Follow that up with I can't always help but I will when I can. 

4.  I got home at 4:30 and he said he didn't expect me until 5.  They were my old office hours.  Things changed during covid and never changed back.  I have been closing the office at 4 for over 2 years now.   He forgot all about it or he is presently living in a different era.  Who knows.

5.  When I got home, he was rummaging through the basement looking for his swimsuit.  He was hot and sweaty and wanted to go swimming.  He ended up not going because I got home earlier than expected.  Told me to make sure I kept his suit where he can easily find it in the future.  Oh brother.

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One more thing...I have noticed that H is hot and cold when it comes to the oldest grandson.  Grandson was just over 1 at BD.  He visited us on a regular basis and visits with him was one of the first things that fell off.

Sometimes he speaks highly of him and others times he says really odd things.  Like that kids is spoiled or he bawls for attention or he is a bad influence on the younger kids.  He is quick to pick up and cuddle with the younger two and less with the oldest.  He is 5.

It is sad but I am starting to see the oldest shy away from him too. 

Ex:  Last night when we were leaving.  I asked all GK to give us hugs and kisses since we were leaving.  Oldest came to me first then I said go get your GF.  GS turned to go and H calls out....no...he doesn't want to give me hugs and kisses and it was not said in a nice manner.  I looked at GS and he said...No I don't and he turned and went back to playing.   In hindsite, I think this was projection but I don't know why.

I have seen him reject this GS before and have never understood how or why.  It was our first grandchild and he has a special place in my heart.  I know H is a different person but he really did used to love to be with and cuddle him.  No he keeps him at arms length.  Sad.

[FaithWalker]

Very sad, Sam.  Awww.   

[MadLuv]

Heartbreaking. The disconnect of kids and the Gk’s is what I struggle with the most. That one moment will be hard to reverse for your GS. What a loss

[Sam I Am]

The switch was flipped.  Just that suddenly he disappeared.  Contact has been very minimal and very sparce if any at all in the last few days.

Fri:  He called to tell me about car shopping.  At the end of the convo he said ....Well I'll talk to you soon...gotta go.   This has been the kiss of death for the last few year.  I don't know why.  When he intends to call back he says I'll call you later or just says nothing.  Every time he says I'll be in touch soon, he goes deep and dark for awhile.

I can honestly say the last 2 weeks were nice to be able to show him me.  He was exposed to me more and he gave his tid bits about himself at times.  I never expected it to last.  I knew it couldn't last because he still was not himself.  It's all ok. 

Sat:  no convo just some videos sent via IG to D and myself jointly.  He knew the grandkids were coming over and helped me prep the pool for them the week before, but he was a no show to see them either Friday night or Saturday before work. 

Sun:  I sent him a simple Happy FD text and got a Thank you back.

I could see changes in him leading up to this pull back.  I saw less eye contact.  I saw less humor.  I saw and felt things that brough on de ja vu.  It took me back to last Apr/May when he came close.  Did a lot around the house and was proud of it.  I saw near normal H emerge, then I saw him drift away again...hard and fast.  This is what I felt this time too.  It was so familiar to last year.

Who knows how long he will stay dark this time.  It could be days, weeks or months again.  He will deal with it and come out of it when he is ready.

In the meantime, I will continue to do me. 

I am still healing and dealing from the knee surgery.
I am back to playing a non aggressive game of PB.  (H is missing a lot of PB too.   He told me there are days he is achy or just doesn't feel up to playing.  Usually he blames it on a pain)
I have vacation coming up soon.
I have to hire a new employee and train a temp to help out in the meantime.
I have time with the grandkids.

I have so much and it is awesome.  Sometimes too much, but that is my choice.

[Schratz66]

I have always said it and I will say it again Sam.....you are the strongest woman I know......your MLC is a special kind and the way you just go with the flow without losing your mind is just awe inspiring to me. It seems you are truly able to detach and just watch and see what crazy stuff he is up to next......of course my heart is breaking for the grandkids ...but dang you girl,....how do you do it No bitterness, no overthinking, no expectations.....you are the poster child of remaining calm and collected.

I hope you have a wonderful vacation

[Sam I Am]

66....you are so sweet but I don't think I am the strongest.   Not one iota. 

However I do believe we all become stronger a little at a time and do what we need to do to survive!  That includes you!  I have seen how much you have grown over the years.  Your strength is shining through in your posts and I am in awe of you!

As for H....yes he is special for sure.   LOL! 

Detaching comes and goes.  Definately more detached now and I feel like I get more detached each time he pulls some of his shennanigans.  Sadly it gets easier and easier to roll my eyes and shake my head!  Who would have thought I would be closing in on 5 years of this crap....

I don't have bitterness....I guess I have more empathy than bitterness.  Sometimes I wonder if I ever fully faced things.  I just seem to be able to accept more of the MLC crap that comes.  Accepting it is mostly due to those that have shared stories.  I feel less alone through all this.  Others make the abnormal seem normal which is very helpful.  I think that is one reason I keep coming back.  I hope that anything I may share may help some newbie in the future when they need hope.  Help them to see that they are not alone that others have gone through the same things and come out of it better than going in.

Expectations and overthinking....tough one.  Yes...they try to pop up.  I have to tell myself not to have them.  To me a lot of surviving the MLC is mind over matter.  Changing our mindset from Oh Whoas me to I am gonna survive then I will thrive and kick MLC butt.  Watch me. 

We have to want happiness more than wallowing!  It is all up to us!

66 - You are a strong woman too and don't you ever not believe it!  You have survived 5 years and your going strong.....you got this!

[Sam I Am]

Here is my latest year over year update for June:

2017:  Unknown to me, the affair started about this time.  I knew there were some oddities with H.  He was coming by the office less but it was also nice and warm and he was telling me he was riding MC.  Sometimes alone.  Sometimes with others.   I believed him.  I had no reason to not believe him.  Son was home for a period of time but was getting ready to move across the country to start to school.  H  mentioned several times he was loosing his buddy and I just reminded him it was only temporary.  We would visit and create new adventures.  Little did I know this was part of taking him off the MLC cliff.

2018:  H was living at home but had already told me he intended to leave ASAP to move to another State of OW.  We went on vacation earlier in the month to visit son and he was awesome.  Very nice and very giving of his money.  Paying for things he didn't have to pay for.  Looking back, I think this is when he decided to go be with the OW again and it was probably quilt driving.  In Oct of 17 when we visited son, he also made the decision that week to leave me and did so 3 weeks later.  This time he tried to leave 3 weeks later but was not able to do so.  He didn't have all his financial ducks in a row so it was delayed until middle of July. 

While planning this leave, he told me was going to take money out of the retirement account so he could buy a big a$$ trailer to take all his belongings with him.  It would have required a 3/4 ton truck to pull it.  When he told me this, I said ok....what are you going to pull it with?   He looked at me.  I walked away.  He never did get the trailer.  He ended renting a u haul somehow and towing his car.

He also told me he was going to take his retirement money so he had  something to live off of until he found a job.  I told him fine....but how am I to pay the household bills...like the mortgage, car payments, insurance ,etc....the joint debt we had that we were trying to clear.   I gave him the spreadsheets to look at.  He never touched that money.   He went with no job and came home a few months later with no job and no money.

2019:  I don't remember much from this year so it must have been pretty uneventful.  I know he was in contact more.  We were seeing each other semi regularly via pickleball and he would refer to me as his wife there.  Not anywhere else though.  LOL.

2020:  We were all dealing with COVID crap of course.  H was showing up for family gatherings.  Enjoying them.  Playing pickleball with a newly formed group of friends on a regular basis.  Nothing substantial.

2021:  H had an injury in Feb.  Then was sequestered due to it for about 2 mos.  When he was up and moving he was spending time at the house doing things.  There was about 2 mos of near normal behavior.  In May, he fell away and he kept getting more and more distant.  It was very gradual but each month he called less, visited less, reached out less and less and this continued for many months to come.

2022:  He had started coming around in April after the drought started last year.  Earlier this month there was still some contact and then BAM.  He jumped off a ledge again and he has not had any contact in any form for 7 days now.  This is the longest he has gone in many months but not the longest he has ever gone.  Now it becomes a challenge that I will NOT reach out to him.  Not a challenge that I have to fight myself off from doing it.  More like I got this and he knows where I am and I am not going to be the one that breaks the silence.  He has to do it when he is ready.  I see it as a challenge that I will win.  I guess it is just my competitive nature and I don't like to loose!  Time will tell what happens.