[Treasur]

It’s remarkable how slowly ‘MLC time’ works, isn’t it? Maybe LBS time too for a while 

I have often felt that I lost about 5 years of my life to a kind of WTF vacuum. To be fair, I wasn’t as good as you Sam about just pressing on with life regardless. And PTSD ate my memory of large chunks of that time which may be a blessing. Although I do sometimes feel a bit cross with myself about that not so constructive time, at all the other things I might have done with it, at why I couldn’t do better than I did. Sigh. But my oh my, it’s a good reminder to all of us that time and life presses on anyway and that’s a good reason to GAL in and of itself 

[Sam I Am]

Treasur:

I am so sorry to hear about your ptsd and other mlc fallout you have faced.  It sux donkey dxxxs  I remember reading your stories when I was a newbie.  You were one of the ones that I felt was so strong and despite all you were still living life.   You had ups and downs but you were also so supportive of others.   

I have not kept up on many stories.  Yours included I am sorry to say.  Last I remember you were moving to a cottage/home on the coast and it sounded marvelous to me!  That was many years ago.

Yes...I am pressing on with life.  My daughter and I just had a convo at lunch time.  We were taling about how my 80 year old father was wrestling around at the country store the other day and picking on several boys there.  D's comment was Your Dad will never grow up.

I told her.  I hope he doesn't.  Like him...I want to live a fun happy life.  Despite the cards dealt to each of us, we are finding ways to find joy and fun.  To me it is a choice.

I still remember the day I was leaving my therapists and just bawling.  She said it is ok.  I told her no it is not.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  I want to be happy.  I want to smile and laugh.   I believe this was a turning point in my healing.  No matter what....I want to smile and laugh and enjoy life each and everyday!

I wish this for every LBS.  I hope we all find a way to find joy and fun in whatever life it is we have!

I also remember that no matter how bad I may have it, when I look around, someone is worse off.  Things could always be far worse!


Thanks for sharing T and I wish you nothing but joy and happiness in your life.  Go find it for yourself!

[Sam I Am]

H has come out of the dry spell of NC and started to reach out again.  He is flopping around like a fish out of water.  7 days when he was quiet with no communications then for the last 2 weeks he would reach out one day and be quiet the next.  For the last 3 days he has actually visited.  I expect another pull back is just around the corner.  I am ok with it.  This is the new normal it seems.

Sunday he came to see the grandkids and for the first time in a long time he acted like their grandfather.  He was loving and caring and played in the pool with them.  Treated them all well.  Including the oldest that he usually shows distain for.

Monday he showed up a PB session he usually doesn't attend.  We played together a lot.  One game I played with someone else and he was snarky about it.

Today he had to drop off some money for my Dad.  In the past year, he would drop things off at the house when I was not there.  This time he called to see what office I was working in and actually came into the office to bring me the money vs totally avoiding me.  He didn't hang around but it was nice he came to the office again.

H doesn't share much but he did tell me he was applying for another job but didn't think he would take it.  He was actually starting to enjoy his current job and the benefits it has to offer...like the ability to play PB more often.

He is a bit softer and more near normal right now.  Hoping this version of him starts to stick around longer and longer but also prepared for him to run hard and fast too!

[Schratz66]

Your need to laugh and enjoy life and be happy and your fierceness in going after that makes you so amazing Sam. Like Treasure I seemed to have been lost in a Vacuum for many years and only the last year or so am I wanting to be happy and free of drama and confusion.

You truly are what Newbies should follow if they can.

Keep it going SAM !!!

[Dragonfly33]

Sam nice to hear an update from you. For me it’s been three years since BD so I guess that was not a long time ago yet. Now, I don’t think I am standing anymore. That doesn’t mean that I am ready to be in a relationship but it just means that I don’t think I can accept my H after all the affairs. And I am curious about you. I’ve read bits of your thread also the summary in your profile. Are you and your H divorced already? Is your H still with the Ow? Are you still standing and do you still have hopes that one day he will come back to you as your H. How do you deal with all of these? Can you still accept him if ever he comes back to you?

I just have to ask these questions because I want to see the reasons for those who are still standing. I don’t have any judgment at all. I just want to see if there’s something I didn’t see in my situation. Thanks Sam

[Sam I Am]

Dragonfly:  Ask away with your questions.  I'll answer based on how I feel and I don't think you are judgmental at all.  We are all moving forward in our different ways.  We all heal in different ways and at different times and we all have different outcomes.  Looking and pondering is always good!

Standing or not...I respect that you are making the decisions that are best for you at this time. 

1.  We are not divorced.  In the first month, he was pushing the divorce.  That lasted from Oct of 17 to July of 18.  He went to see an attorney and was told that if we divorced I would loose health insurance so he decided we were not getting divorced.  He actually teared up when he sat in the living room  and said  "I won't do that to you.  You deserve to have health insurance".  Later before he moved to be with OW, he informed me that he told her he was never going to marry her.  In fact he was never going to get married again to anyone else.

2.  Is H with OW?  Yes but I don't know in what capacity.  There has been some movement in this front and I'll update in my next post.  Which I hope to complete today.

3.  Am I standing to get him back?     I am standing for me.  I have no desire to date anyone at this time.  I know there is still healing to be done.  I am standing in hopes that he heals.  I have seen things.  I have read about MLC.  I do believe he is not in his "right mind" to be making decisions.  If he comes out of this and decides a marriage to me is not in the future, then we can work through it then.  No matter what, I love him enough to want to see him healed and I believe that as an LBS, I can support his healing while he does the work.  I want that for him. 

As for wanting him back....I don't know.  I can't answer that.  The man he is now and has been for the last 5 years...I don't want him back.  The man he could become....I don't know that man so I can't say.

I believe the script that says there is potential and I am open to that, yet there are hurts that I will have to deal with and learn to accept and to grow from.  That is all on me.  Not him.  I will have to come to terms with things as I progress through this process just as he will have to do the same. 

Short answer....I have not shut any doors but I am not letting him block my path either. 

4.  How do I deal with things?   One at a time.  When I am triggered, I sit with it.  I figure it out.  I face it.  I don't run from it.  I have several really close LBS friends who are both supportive and listen but will also give me their thoughts from a different perspective.  Helps me to look at it without the emotional anchor that could suck me down if I let it.

How will I deal with it in the future.  Same way.  I just don't have answers yet as to how it will affect my relationship with H.  Will there be a marriage or will we part friends or enemies....I don't know.  Not there yet. I do know that I will face it head on and not run from it.

5.  Can I accept him and the things he has done?  I don't know.  I know I need to forgive and that is for me.  I read an awesome book that helps with that.  It is called Love like you have never been hurt.  Highly recommend it...no matter what path you choose!  It is good for all aspects in your life where you are called to forgive.

Anyhow....that is part of the future that I don't know yet.  I know I can't and won't worry about it.  I am living today and making the best of today.  I know the future will take care of itself and I'll be okay no matter what!

D-Fly....I wish you the best.  Some wise words that I take to heart....unless you are 100% sure....do nothing.  Just roll with it until you are 100% sure.

[Sam I Am]

66 -

only the last year or so am I wanting to be happy and free of drama and confusion.

Better late than never.  Keep searching for that happiness.  It is awesome to get to that place!

You are gonna be ok no matter what!  I see you growing and love what I am seeing!  Keep doing what is best for you!  Your awesome and deserve to be happy!

[Sam I Am]

MLC Update Part 1:

H is in a cycle that I have read about with others.  (Note cycle not stage...I am not stage watching). 

The cycle is come close. 
Have a nice encounter with someone.  (kids, grandkids, self, etc)
He becomes very quiet and NC for a few days.

Rinse and repeat.

I can actually see him come out.  Hit a high point and then retreat a few days later.

-His communication starts to gradually increase for a time.  Increase in texts, increase in shared videos, etc
-He makes more contact and/or actually visits and is involved.  Comes off as near normal.  Is fun to be around.
-His contact slowly decreases or comes to an abrupt halt for 2 to 3 days.  Big one is that tik toks get really weird during this time.  The ones he shares make no sense or have a sick sense of humor.
Then repeat it all over again.

I just sit back and watch the show!

[Sam I Am]

MLC Update Part 2:

D-Fly asked about this earlier.   The OW.  What is up with them?

Here is the update as best as I know....

There is movement! 

OW1 - H's car was spotted at ow1 house by a friend.  Unknown why he was there or what their relationship is.  Has not been spotted there for some time.  I suspect there has been ongoing contact but he no longer lives with her or appears to spend any amount of time with her.   He has shared that his day is wake up, go to PB, go home and get ready for work, go to work, go home.  On his off days, he spends one of them mowing....who knows what he does with the other day.  Could be OW time....could be his time.  Just don't know and I can't monkey brain at all.   

However, a weird things happened recently.  I came to work....forgot my keys and headed home to get the office keys.  On my way, I passed a lady walking 2 dogs near the trail walk.    Thought nothing of it.  On my way back to the office, the same lady is at the end of the block by my office.  I look at her and realize it is OW1 and she has walked past my office.  As soon as she saw me....she looked down and started to fuss with her dogs.

Me...my head is WTF is she doing here?  I know she walks the same nature trail as me.  I have seen her exiting it when I go to work.  This is different....she walked past my office.  My office is NOT on a main street.  It is only ONE block long and not a place where you normally walk.  This happened about a week after h's car was spotted at her house.  All I know is that it felt odd.  Weird.  Like why after 5 years is she popping up near my office when there are so many more places to walk.

My brain could have went in so many directions.  I did think about it for a tad.  Those WTF thoughts...then I let it go.  Weird is all I can say.  Really weird.  She knows she was caught based on her response of seeing me then looking down to avoid me.  Now it is funny when I think about it.   

OW2- He was spending time visiting her out of State every few months.  Recently I was on IG and noticed that she was no longer following H or SIL on IG.  My mind went Hmmmm and left it at that.  I don't fully understand IG so it was just a hmmm moment.   They were still following her so...it is what it is.

A few days later I had a strong urge to check FB for OW2.  So I did.....her FB was gone.  I had a friend check....there was a FB page there for her.  OW2 has suddenly blocked me after years.  She was the one that invited me to be a friend years ago...about the same time H went into MLC.  Little did I know their paths would cross and their would be involvement. 

Anyhow, OW2 suddenly blocked me.  Ok...whatever.  So I decide to revisit IG.  I am not blocked there but her IG is private so I can't see anything she posts.  Next I look at H and SIL's IG.  They are no longer following her.  Since I am not blocked, I could see if they were friends.  They are no longer friends.  Neither is following each other anymore.  Hmmmm.

This weekend, we are at PB.....H pulls out a paddle that he allowed OW2 to use.  This paddle has not been seen for sometime.  I was in his PB bag in April to grab a paddle...it was not there then.  Now that paddle is back and he pulled it out for DIL to use.   Hmmmm.

I can hope that relationship has fizzled....truth is....I don't know.  Only time will tell.

I can hope that OW1 relationship is also fizzling out.....here again....only time will tell. 

Even if they both do fizzle....if he is not ready to face things....then their could be other OWs.   That is sad to think about, but it is a cold hard reality when they are in MLC.   Time will tell.

Until then...sit back and watch the show!  Watch...don't participate. 

[Sam I Am]

Some things I have witnessed recently:

1.  DIL came for a visit and we all went out for lunch.  I asked to take a picture.  I did and neither smiled.  Asked them both to smile.  H's lips barely moved.  I took the pic and said smile please.  He said I am smiling.  I did this.....he tried to smile....he literally could not smile.   I showed him the pic....his reply was what does it matter.

2.  After swimming with the kids, I was getting ice cream cones out for the kids.  I buy mini cones because there is less waste.  About 2 weeks ago, H was swimming with them and eating ice cream too.  Same ice cream.  When I got them out this time, he said "Cute cones.  I never saw them before"

3.  H and I were talking about a pickleball session.  He told me it was too hot to play.  I told him I was playing at 630.  A bit later it was changed to 6 pm and I told him that I was gonna play at 6 pm.   He responded...maybe I'll show up.  Before leaving, he said to me....6:30 at the courts?  I said...no....6 pm.  At 6, I get a text....is pb still on for 6:30.  I told him again it was 6 pm but storming and we were waiting to see what happened with the weather. 

The ability to forget is horrible.  I remember seeing this prior to bomb drop.  Then I wrote it off as him just not paying attention.  Now, I know it is the depression memory issues because we actually had convos....it was not just me telling him something. 

So sad!