[Sam I Am]

I know this is a long journey for all.   Sometimes I am totally amazed how far 7 years ago seems now.   There was a time when the past pained me.   Now....the pain is gone.   I am blessed to have healed to the point where pain is a  thing of the past.

As I look back, I see changes in all of us over time.   As to be expected but I tend to focus on the areas where life is better now.

As I reflect on Mother's Day, I recall H was always just dropping a text in the early years.  No attempts to be in touch....just a short  Happy Mother's Day.

Two years ago, he was in a "drought".  There was a period of time when he avoided all forms of communication for about a month.  He would even show up at pickleball and refuse to acknowledge my presence.  Mother's Day fell in the middle of this.  That year, he not only didn't send a text, but he was not in touch with our daughter at all either.  He was in total shut down.    I expected it.  She didn't.  She was hurt!

This year, he called in the am to say HMD vs a text.  He showed up and cut my yard and did my weed whacking.  He also joined me for a late lunch and paid.   

I know enough to not to read anything into this.  Next year could be totally the opposite again.   I am just thankful for what the day was and that I got some time with him.   

Other positives that come through as weird to me:

My sister in law has started to ask me to join her for events.   We were at a family gathering for her grand daughter and she actually introduced me as her sister in law.   In the past few year, I was my D's mother....not her sister in law.    I have joined her and her friends on a few occasions at a local winery or other event.  Not often, but enough to stay cordial just because of the invite.


Old News:   Moving day is getting closer and there is no movement on S or H making up.   I have accepted that this is a permanently severed relationship.  I don't like it, but I accept it and I don't speak to either about the other.   Sad that this is happening!   They were so close.  I never saw this turning out like this. 

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Sam,

Sounds like a lot of

when it comes to H and his shenanigans. It really is too bad about his R with his S and DIL but, well like you said, that is between the two of them and "Not your circus, not your monkeys."

Interesting about SIL... Wonder if she is experiencing things form her brother that make her go
and maybe realizing that what she was told was maybe not the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? One can only speculate

[Sam I Am]

UM,

I have often speculated that SIL had a MLC too.   I see so many things now that I was unaware of then:

1.  She up and left her H with no warning.  He was the bad guy.   Her H was moody but not all that bad.   Of course, I only heard her side of the story.
2.  There was OM in the wings.  She had rekindled a relationship from Junior High.  This was hid from me.  Only H knew about it and he enabled her.
3.  She stayed married to ex H until OM demanded they get married.  He was very controlling and got her away from family as soon as they married.  He traveled for work but demanded she live in Florida despite him not being there during the week and he could have went anywhere on the weekends.
4.  OM was a horrible man that could do no wrong in SIL eyes.   They never fell out of love since Junior High.  They were just separated by circumstances all these years.
5.  When OM was around, no one else mattered.  It was about the two of them.  Even changing family  traditions because he wanted something different.  Didn't matter that no one else in the family wanted to change.   They just did it and everyone else was just ignored.  This caused stress at holidays
6.  OM ended up dying suddenly and I think it froze her in her MLC for many years.   I think she is now starting out of it and her grand baby is what is pushing her forward.  She is more pleasant and open and is more like SIL that I knew 15 years ago.   She is still madly in love with OM.  She has no relationship with EX (they both burned bridges - her with the affair and her actions - he became bitter)  but she is treating other family better.  However, she still has pauses where she is not right but they are shorter and farther in between.  She is much less controlling about little things.

She has been a HUGE enabler of H.  She lied to protect him.   She guided him on leaving me.   He left me the same way she left her H.  Sneaking out when no one was home.  Other similarities too.   I think she is softening....not because of H but because she is progressing through the tunnel herself.    Just my thoughts. 

[UrsaMajor]

UM,

<...snip...>

She has been a HUGE enabler of H.  She lied to protect him.   She guided him on leaving me.   He left me the same way she left her H.  Sneaking out when no one was home.  Other similarities too.   I think she is softening....not because of H but because she is progressing through the tunnel herself.    Just my thoughts.

Ooooooo.... The FOO-Poo runs deep in that line of the family.... Sounds like they both had a good read of "How to MLC for Dummies" and followed it to the letter.... Since they are siblings, one really has to wonder about the "Nature vs Environment (Nurture)" aspects at work there.... 

Sounds really like you are in a MUCH better place though and that is all that really matters....

[MadLuv]

Wow, I give you so much credit with having any communication 7 years out and still being able to move forward well. Although my XH  has moved many states away and has not contact with his kids or grandkids it has been helpful to detach and not have to worry about seeing him in any way. On the other hand it would be nice if we could be civil for our kids and just to not feel totally discarded.  I think everyyear after 2 there is huge progress on healing.

[Sam I Am]

Dang folks....it has been nearly a year since I last posted.  Nothing has changed for the better for him, but I can't believe how fast that time went by!

At this time, I am 8.5 years into this.  Looking back...I couldn't imagine reaching this point.   Early on I was convinced that I would be one of the lucky ones and he would be back early.

Nope.  Not the case and that is ok.   I needed this journey and I am lucky to be where I am.

I have family and friends and support from people around me.   I spend time with my grand kids and my daughter and I get to visit my son who now lives across the country.  My son acts as if he father has died.   His knew friends all think his father is dead.  I guess this is because H is dead to S after their blow up! 

Life is good.  Always a bit stressful but it is good stress.  Making sure I am attending events with the kids and balancing time for myself to hang with friends and/or play pickleball.

My plate is full in so many ways and I am really truly happy!

As for him.....well I have no idea how his life is going.

Up through the fall of last year, he seemed to be getting closer.  More visits.  More phone calls.  Just more interactions overall.  I knew it wasn't real but I rode it out.    Suddenly, he fell off the face of the earth.  I now go months without hearing from him.  In a way it is very peaceful.  In other ways, he is aggravating.

Example:  At Christmas, he was included in the dates and times of holiday events.   He notified my daughter that he would stop by after he got off work on Christmas Eve.   He no showed.  We all thought he worked late.   Nope.  He told my granddaughter on Christmas day that he didn't show up because I didn't invite him.   Oh boy.    I nicely but firmly called him out on his BS.  Advised him that he told D several times he would be there.  He essentially RSVPd.  Why would I send him a special invitation?   He is not Charlie Bucket.   He is not getting a Golden Ticket to the Chocolate Factory after he verbally committed to coming to supper.   No apologies for being a $h!te about it.   Just....oops.  I thought too much into it.   

Then he was a no show for New Years and Easter too.   At least he didn't blame me on those occasions.

He hardly ever shows up for the kids events and when he does he hardly talks to anyone.  I personally don't go out of my way to talk to him either.   If he has something to say, I will listen.  Otherwise, go disappear as you have been doing for the last 6 months and leave me in peace. 

He did say something about the grandkids a few weeks ago.  My daughter sent us a meme about how important grand parents are in the grand kids lives....he wrote back:  " I know I should be doing more but I just can't make myself get up and do it".

No idea what it is means.   It was an odd response to me.

I hope all of you are doing well and taking care of yourselves.   All is gonna be ok.  Just keep moving forward as much as you can!

~Sam~