As I write I am finalising my offer on a property for me. H now has a house to go to. 

In short we are separating.  It has been a long time coming but it is necessary for a whole host of reasons.

I debated starting this new thread for some time. Here I am with a reconnected spouse and yes we are reconnected just not reconciled and we are separating.  That doesn't make sense I hear newbies say.....but it does.

My H doesn't want "us".  I thought I did but now I see in my H a broken man (not just because of his stroke) but a man who is incapable of seeing and valuing what he currently has in his life aka 3 children, a grand-daughter and a wife who stood for her marriage for over 8 years.  He is a man who still seeks external sources to make him feel better. He is a man who has become afraid of commitment, who is pre-occupied with his own health.
That said, I have had the words of regret, the remorse, the heartfelt tears of apologies. I have had the pleading for forgiveness.
 We have had many open, honest and tearful conversations about what went wrong - what he did, what he said during those early MLC years. His memory is sort of shot about much of the specifics.
I believe he really does regret ever starting the affair and causing us all so much pain and anguish. But he is not prepared to want to restore the marriage.

I remember reading somewhere in RCR's notes that when the MLCer "wakes up" some MLCers will not return to the marriage. They will not completely walk away and never been seen again but they know that the marriage is not for them.

This is where my H is I believe and now (at long last I hear some of you say) I have pulled the plug on "us".

I might be using this thread to go into more detail about the conversations we have had to help give people more information on that process of the MLCer moving out of the tunnel.
I might just use it to journal my thoughts....

Anyway - suffice to say I am ok with it all.  I will be very very very sad to leave this house which was meant to be my forever home and it will be probably one of the most painful things I have had to do since BD.  However I know I cannot move forward anymore where I am, new chapter syndrome - just hard to finish writing the current chapter.......  Hence the title of my thread.

Dear Song,

Your honesty is so very welcomed. Your experience with this will, if you can continue to share be very valuable to alll on HS so I look forward to future updates.

Although moving from your home into your new home will be difficult, it will also clearly define that this is your house....although I stayed in the house we were in before BD, this is very much my home. He never returned here to live so I don't have the ghosts lingering, especially because we had not lived very long in this house before we went overseas.....

My H doesn't want "us".

I remember reading somewhere in RCR's notes that when the MLCer "wakes up" some MLCers will not return to the marriage. They will not completely walk away and never been seen again but they know that the marriage is not for them.

My husband doesn't want "us" either, except on the periphery in the most superficial manner. Unlike you, he has never once, not frigging once in 12 years expressed anything verbally to me about what happened, not a frigging word of any regret/remorse/shame/guilt/sadness...to me this is totally unnatural and surreal.

I don't expect that he ever will.

I was listening to something by Dr. Joe Beam who is a well known marriage counsellor and he was talking about the reasons why people leave a marriage. He stated that very rarely, and he emphasized rarely, someone leaves because they just want to be by themselves. I suspect that is the case with Mr.xyzcf......but then, I don't have any idea really about his world.

but a man who is incapable of seeing and valuing what he currently has in his life aka 3 children, a grand-daughter and a wife who stood for her marriage for over 8 years.  He is a man who still seeks external sources to make him feel better.

I don't understand it. There is nothing that I value more than time with my family. We recently spent 4 days together as a family and he certainly seemed to participate fully, and then out the door he goes. At 67 years old, life forward is going to be a struggle....as our health deteriorates, friends die and we can't do some of the things that once brought us joy......I think that the isolation of COVID also taught me.....there are things I want to do, so do not postpone them.

You have wanted to have a place of your own for a very long time. Some peace in your life and so you have made the right decision for you and no "apologies" are necessary (aka:I have pulled the plug on "us".) It's Song's time now although I suspect there will still be place for your husband in some capacity and for that I truly admire you and the care and concern that you have shown him.

Looking forward to hearing more.

Attaching....

Do you then still consider yourselves "reconnecting" despite this? What do you see for YOUR future, say in the 5 year time frame?  If H is still off to the races with an EA with the Work Partner, what do you see happening?

You went in with your eyes WIDE open so you at least were not taken by surprise..... and now, taking the leap of faith to your own place... I hope that it brings you joy, peace, and comfort, and that regardless of whether H comes out of the fog someday or not...

Song, thank you for continuing to come here, to journal or to share your story in whatever capacity is most helpful for you. I appreciate your contributions and I know that many do, but first and foremost, the content of your posts should be what helps you move forward.

Though you’ve been preparing for this next step in the process (mentally, emotionally, financially, logistically) for a long time, I’m sure the reality of it will be a bit jarring. In the long run, it’s an essential step in building your best path forward, though. You have shown great strength and courage and perseverance throughout these years, and are continuing to do so in this next stage of life. Wishing you all the best with the new chapter.

I will always cherish your words.

5hil