[Songanddance]

Quick recap for newbies

BD March 2013 LIYBINILWY   OW discovered a few weeks later
H stayed at home but continued affair with OW for 3.5 years  (legally couldn't kick him out without selling which I was not prepared to do)
3 grown children at time of BD (24,22 and 15)  Hit S 15 the hardest and his life spiralled downwards with severe depression and anger and attempted suicide whilst at Uni. Now he is addicted to mild drugs and cannot hold down any form of paid employment.  Two Ds coped well and were a valuable source of comfort in my times of need.
5 months after BD started therapy which included EMDR and use of NLP (neuro linguistic programming) and after 18 months I was in such a better place for my emotional health. I am still in touch with her and occasionally do a life skills top up
2016 Took early retirement from the career I loved (having been bullied for 4 years by my boss) and since then I haven't looked back.

2016 - 2020
my oldest D married and one year later divorced her H ( it was one of those relationships that many of us knew wouldn't work out - just gut feeling)  and now she is with her new partner and he is a keeper.
My youngest D produced my gorgeous grand- daughter. No longer with the father but both co-parent really well
S - slowly beginning to work on himself and move forward with his life but it's painfully slow....

I retrained as a life coach, specialising in NLP but am not a "master trainer or practitioner" - still very much a student. I also teach and coach privately. 

2017 - 2018 reconnecting started in earnest with OW gone. But H not ready to commit and still talking about living on his own.
By 2019 - no change to how H felt and so plans to improve the house for sale

2020 Covid 19 nothing changed except for H developing an unhealthy interest in his business partner with whom he has an absurdly close level of communication.  Red flags.....

2021 - H has massive stroke - I become his carer until he is able to return to work a few hours a day and has begun to drive again very recently.  Business partner is like an OW but this time it's an EA and I have had enough.

This is the update post to start my thread. Next post will be more about the current situation.

Last thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11497.0;all

Previous threads in order

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3584.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3720.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3880.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3977.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4168.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4362.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4460.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4554.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4632.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4942.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5199.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6277.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5753.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6715.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7192.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7942.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9188.0
 http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9495.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10371.0;all
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10501.0;all
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10813.0;all

[Songanddance]

As I write I am finalising my offer on a property for me. H now has a house to go to. 

In short we are separating.  It has been a long time coming but it is necessary for a whole host of reasons.

I debated starting this new thread for some time. Here I am with a reconnected spouse and yes we are reconnected just not reconciled and we are separating.  That doesn't make sense I hear newbies say.....but it does.

My H doesn't want "us".  I thought I did but now I see in my H a broken man (not just because of his stroke) but a man who is incapable of seeing and valuing what he currently has in his life aka 3 children, a grand-daughter and a wife who stood for her marriage for over 8 years.  He is a man who still seeks external sources to make him feel better. He is a man who has become afraid of commitment, who is pre-occupied with his own health.
That said, I have had the words of regret, the remorse, the heartfelt tears of apologies. I have had the pleading for forgiveness.
 We have had many open, honest and tearful conversations about what went wrong - what he did, what he said during those early MLC years. His memory is sort of shot about much of the specifics.
I believe he really does regret ever starting the affair and causing us all so much pain and anguish. But he is not prepared to want to restore the marriage.

I remember reading somewhere in RCR's notes that when the MLCer "wakes up" some MLCers will not return to the marriage. They will not completely walk away and never been seen again but they know that the marriage is not for them.

This is where my H is I believe and now (at long last I hear some of you say) I have pulled the plug on "us".

I might be using this thread to go into more detail about the conversations we have had to help give people more information on that process of the MLCer moving out of the tunnel.
I might just use it to journal my thoughts....

Anyway - suffice to say I am ok with it all.  I will be very very very sad to leave this house which was meant to be my forever home and it will be probably one of the most painful things I have had to do since BD.  However I know I cannot move forward anymore where I am, new chapter syndrome - just hard to finish writing the current chapter.......  Hence the title of my thread.

[Treasur]

Just wanted to acknowledge your courage, Song, and I hope your new house will be a delightful new chapter for you.
Presume that your h’s house is a different house  And your son?

[xyzcf]

Dear Song,

Your honesty is so very welcomed. Your experience with this will, if you can continue to share be very valuable to alll on HS so I look forward to future updates.

Although moving from your home into your new home will be difficult, it will also clearly define that this is your house....although I stayed in the house we were in before BD, this is very much my home. He never returned here to live so I don't have the ghosts lingering, especially because we had not lived very long in this house before we went overseas.....

My H doesn't want "us".

I remember reading somewhere in RCR's notes that when the MLCer "wakes up" some MLCers will not return to the marriage. They will not completely walk away and never been seen again but they know that the marriage is not for them.

My husband doesn't want "us" either, except on the periphery in the most superficial manner. Unlike you, he has never once, not frigging once in 12 years expressed anything verbally to me about what happened, not a frigging word of any regret/remorse/shame/guilt/sadness...to me this is totally unnatural and surreal.

I don't expect that he ever will.

I was listening to something by Dr. Joe Beam who is a well known marriage counsellor and he was talking about the reasons why people leave a marriage. He stated that very rarely, and he emphasized rarely, someone leaves because they just want to be by themselves. I suspect that is the case with Mr.xyzcf......but then, I don't have any idea really about his world.

but a man who is incapable of seeing and valuing what he currently has in his life aka 3 children, a grand-daughter and a wife who stood for her marriage for over 8 years.  He is a man who still seeks external sources to make him feel better.

I don't understand it. There is nothing that I value more than time with my family. We recently spent 4 days together as a family and he certainly seemed to participate fully, and then out the door he goes. At 67 years old, life forward is going to be a struggle....as our health deteriorates, friends die and we can't do some of the things that once brought us joy......I think that the isolation of COVID also taught me.....there are things I want to do, so do not postpone them.

You have wanted to have a place of your own for a very long time. Some peace in your life and so you have made the right decision for you and no "apologies" are necessary (aka:I have pulled the plug on "us".) It's Song's time now although I suspect there will still be place for your husband in some capacity and for that I truly admire you and the care and concern that you have shown him.

Looking forward to hearing more.

[MadLuv]

but a man who is incapable of seeing and valuing what he currently has in his life aka 3 children, a grand-daughter and a wife who stood for her marriage for over 8 years.  He is a man who still seeks external sources to make him feel better

This is always the hardest thing to wrap my head around. Can’t imagine what is better than your own family you created. You just have to be a lost soul. My XH feels deep shame, misses his family, want’s it back, but says he changed and can’t get back to that place. Never feels anywhere is home. It heartbreaking where there head space is.

I also have remained in our home. I think it would be right now healthier to have a new space, but I have also been told the longer you remain the space becomes your own. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. Enjoy your new home song. You get to create a new space for your new life. You did everything you could to keep your family together. Nothing can be done when you work alone. It takes both. Keep sharing your story as you move forward and thank you for documenting it for all this time. It’s been invaluable to all our journeys.

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching....

Do you then still consider yourselves "reconnecting" despite this? What do you see for YOUR future, say in the 5 year time frame?  If H is still off to the races with an EA with the Work Partner, what do you see happening?

You went in with your eyes WIDE open so you at least were not taken by surprise..... and now, taking the leap of faith to your own place... I hope that it brings you joy, peace, and comfort, and that regardless of whether H comes out of the fog someday or not...

[terra]

Acknowledging your pain and courage and love, and I’m following along in your new chapter.

D and I recently moved from the place that was Home, and are now in a different and meant to be temporary place, I don’t know for how long. It has its pros and cons but I think you may also find that wherever your next place will be, it will be peaceful on some crucial level and good enough, home at least For Now.

I spent the majority of my life believing in marriage and wanting nothing more than I wanted to be a loving wife. Now that we have moved prematurely into a transitional space, I find I don’t want that so much anymore, or maybe at all. Marriage, I mean. The peace of ...”turning the page”, I guess, is finally very calming and feels secure. I do: I feel secure. Anyone I know in person would panic if faced with the circumstances I am in, but — I’m ok.

It’s been a really long time since I last really viscerally felt that peace, and I’m glad to feel it again. I hope yours will meet you right away and accompany you every moment from here on out. (((HUGS)))

[Curiosity]

Song, thank you for continuing to come here, to journal or to share your story in whatever capacity is most helpful for you. I appreciate your contributions and I know that many do, but first and foremost, the content of your posts should be what helps you move forward.

Though you’ve been preparing for this next step in the process (mentally, emotionally, financially, logistically) for a long time, I’m sure the reality of it will be a bit jarring. In the long run, it’s an essential step in building your best path forward, though. You have shown great strength and courage and perseverance throughout these years, and are continuing to do so in this next stage of life. Wishing you all the best with the new chapter.

[Songanddance]

Do you then still consider yourselves "reconnecting" despite this? What do you see for YOUR future, say in the 5 year time frame?  If H is still off to the races with an EA with the Work Partner, what do you see happening?

I think in a way we have reconnected in that we talk to each other more honestly and clearly than ever before.  The subject of being married and what that means to him eludes him though and that I think is why we haven't taken the next seemingly logical step of reconciling.

If H continues to be off to the races with any other EA then I now have the capacity, space and time to detach fully and truly focus on myself. That might mean a whole host of things - it might mean someone new in my life, it might not. I am not worried about that aspect anymore.  Ultimately it means that H will finally understand that I'm not there to be his fallback default position. I'm not around to feign interest in what he does or says and he has to face his life alone because that was the choice he made via OW way back in 2013.

I hope that it brings you joy, peace, and comfort, and that regardless of whether H comes out of the fog someday or not...

This!

It's Song's time now although I suspect there will still be place for your husband in some capacity and for that I truly admire you and the care and concern that you have shown him.

Thank you. I'm not a vindictive person - never have been. Yes I've been very angry, yes I have kicked the metaphorical cat hard, yes I've wanted the OW to suffer and struggle but I've never done anything physically to ensure that that happens.  No FB posts, no telling H what I wanted to do to him or her, no planning to create huge issues for them both, no wanting H to suffer financially etc.....

I learned through this forum very early on that my emotional/mental health had to come first. I also really liked the phrase of "being gracious and dignified". I owed it to myself.

When he suffered his stroke and became critically ill earlier this year, I had to decide if he lived because that was the option the consultant gave me.  I knew that I would have to be the one to fight his corner and he ultimately survived a very tough 48 hrs  I am puzzled that some responses I got from outsiders was that that was a brave decision and they wouldn't have fought so hard.  I cannot understand that. 

Whatever H did - he is still a human being with feelings, thoughts, hope and dreams. He is the father of my children.

He may be an utter arse who has thrown away his values and lost much of that which was right for him but he is still a human being. 
I have no problem acting with grace and kindness because that doesn't mean weakness - on the contrary it means you develop inner strength and you respect yourself. 

[5hilmerton]

I will always cherish your words.

5hil