[Songanddance]

Re: life force. I really enjoyed your life force, Song, and it brings to mind, would that have been EXACTLY what you would have said prior to BD? Or might there have been something about love and marriage and having a soul mate?  Not that there would have been anything wrong with that, but I know for myself that after BD I learned a lot of things I saw as being "true" were not true.

It seems to me that a person's Life Force can morph throughout their life. I often wonder if BD and everything that followed wasn't some kind of Life Force course correction, in my case anyway.

Agree OR - would that have been my life-force before BD?  Yes in a way but more about people pleasing, avoiding conflict and yes valuing a marriage with its highs and lows. 

Now I realise, as I think so many of us do, that we have to be whole people before we commit to a long term relationship.  We have to value the partner as much as we value ourselves.  Sometimes people use soul mate to mean filling the gaps in us - "our other half"    No; two people create a marriage and those two people need to be individually whole in that marriage, not a combined whole.

An example - very recently my former colleague (and best closest friend when I was working) died very suddenly - a very aggressive leukemia took him after only 3 weeks of illness as symptoms were hidden and masked.  He was in his late 40s with a lovely wife and 2 fab children.

It has been a heartbreaking time because this man touched so many people's lives in so many ways.  He had been with his wife for 20 yrs married 18 and she was understandably devastated.  But what is interesting is how she has risen to the situation.  I always knew that this couple were 2 individuals in a happy marriage. They were not conflict avoiders, they were honest to each other and they were very much their own people but adored their spouse.   At no point in my 11 years with my friend did I ever hear him complain about her and we would talk a lot about our lives. (He was an invaluable support to me with BD and subsequent years). She had her own career and also they supported each other in their own ventures.

It was heartbreaking to see her, but she is forward thinking and is aware that the children need to be encouraged to keep one step in front of the other, to share feelings and experience their grief and also to know that they are surrounded by love.  She is making sure that she is talking to people, she is using her family and his to help her and she is also making sure that she too keeps putting one foot in front of the other.

She and He were whole before they met.  They both showed what a happy and valued marriage truly is.  Be true to yourself and practise gratitude for the love you have for each other.

This is something that I think has passed me by - no don't get the violins out. But I do wish I had lived a little more and found out who I truly was before getting into a relationship with H straight after divorcing my first H. 
Not because I wouldn't have married H and neither do I think that that BD wouldn't have happened or that BD was totally dependent upon my behaviour.....NOPE! None of that.   
However, I would have possibly not taken so long to heal and to realise that I had to find me and who I was. 

It's all conjecture and you cannot assume anything. But my friend's sudden and unfair death has once again highlighted the need for living each day to the fullest. Telling those around you that you love them and making sure that you are grateful for every tiny thing.

Whoops - done it again....630000 words for the simple answer I intended to give 

[beyondblessed]

Song, you hit the nail on the head.  It does take two wholly functional adults to make a marriage work.  My new marriage is a testament of that.  We are two unique individuals who made a conscious choice to blend our lives, and we both did so fully knowing who we are apart from our union and that when bonded together, those two parts make one strong, supportive and emotionally balanced environment anchored by love, faith and hope.

I can honestly say that I was not in this same place when I chose to marry my xh at 25, and that my ideals were very immature and idealistic in the sense of the nonsense soulmate drivel.  What I've experienced and learned since my xh chose a different life path with no regard to my well being whatsoever has definitely changed my life force and focus....and all for the better.  Sometimes our biggest successes are borne of our seemingly biggest failures.  It's all about  one's perspective and approach.

[Songanddance]

Morning all
UPdate - nothing new to report really. H and I still living our own lives in our own houses.  The difference is that H is now very lonely (I see him once a week as does D) and even though he works from home with his business partner - he claims he is lonely.

When he's talked about it with me - he has received validation but also the truth dart - " This is what you wanted and created H"

He has begun to apologise more and more about his crisis and his actions.  Part of me though is very cynical because I now know he was always good at manipulating me into doing things his way and prior to BD I learned not to call him out on his behaviour and now I do.  He has told me that he still loves me (I knew that) and that he misses me.  I have told him that I still love him (which I do) but my life is moving forward and he will always be a part of my life; but I'm not ready or willing for us to work on the marriage - which is also true.  I like who I am on my own. 
Equally H's stroke has affected him and he continues to talk about being in a fog and constantly tired.  Part of that is lack of good nutrition and fluid (he barely drinks enough water) and part of that is the physical impact of the massive brain bleed which TBH should have killed him. So he has minor brain damage.
The thing I have begun to learn about H is that, since his stroke, he is really struggling with the concept of learning things that he should know anew.  H is a very clever man - he is incredibly talented in his field of work but he now finds it difficult to retain information that prior to his stroke he would have absorbed and utilised in a heartbeat.   His memory is shot in places and this is not just post MLC and he is very very pre-occupied with his perceived lack of ability.

I have pointed out the irony to him that for such an intelligent man - I cannot understand why he can't understand that he needs to do the work to get the neurons in his brain functioning again, such as simple repetitive execises recommended by the physios and drinking enough water; it baffles me.

However that's not the reason for me posting....
I had coffee with a friend who has been more of an acquaintance but we get on really well.  I knew something was wrong when I met her at a rehearsal and so suggested we meet up.  We did and she tumbled out  pre MLC feelings and frustrations. 
There I was listening to a pre-MLCer and knowing it and knowing too that she was about to do things that she would regret.

I listened and told her I understood the feelings that she had not because I had had them but because H had had those feelings.   She wants more but she doesn't know what it is.....

Anyway she talked, I listened. She's talked to others who have told her to "stay in the marriage/ put up and shut up" approach.  She's told others who have advised her to go and do what is right for her and if that means breaking up the marriage and children then so be it.
She has had lots of conversations with her H and he wants to know what to do to fix it.  She doesn't know. She said herself " Is this a Midlife crisis?"  I replied with "Is there someone else?"  Nope so then I explained to her that this could be a midlife transition which many people faced.  The thing you didn't do in either case was take drastic action that couldn't be taken back.

Needless to say our coffee lasted 2 hrs with her talking and me listening. I chose not to validate any of the advice she had been given because I disagreed with both.  I tried to "peel the onion" and she was a little reluctant but yes she has FOO issues.

She then changed the subject but we came back to it again.   I told her I couldn't and wouldn't advise her but I did suggest that she perhaps seek a therapist to help her analyse why she might be feeling this way (not a counsellor or life coach)
I asked her not to have any R talks with her H for at least a week (they were talking almost every night) and to focus on the children and the remaining weeks of the summer holiday as a family as much as she could.  I also asked her to call me if she felt the need to vent or a bit of space.

At the end of the coffee - she said " S&D - I feel as though I've had a therapy session - thank you so much"
I asked if she felt that she would choose not to listen to those who had not been where she is right now.  She said that she understood and would just focus on the next few weeks and aim not to say or do anything that was impulsive.   And that was it.

I will message her every week or so - just to keep in touch.

The sad thing is I felt helpless.  Despite knowing about MLC and MLT for over 11 yrs now, I felt helpeless.  I wanted so much to say to her " Don't do it" but she was so bewildered and confused and she felt guilt mixed in with a deep desire for nothing more.  All I can hope is that she continues to share with me, find a therapist and not take any drastic action. 

MLC in its early stages from the other side.......

[MadLuv]

S&D - I think having you is amazing for her. She may have just avoided a full a MLC, because she has a sounding board and ear of someone that understands. If every MLCer could have someone recognize the signs and acknowledge their confusion and let then know where to start to sort through their emotions and confusion, maybe there would not be so many tragic stories. Maybe this is what this forum will do. More awareness and more ability to see it in our co-workers, neighbors, friends and family. I stepped into a situation recently with my sisters in laws and although I could not help the MLCer  I was able to help the family understand what was happening.

[xyzcf]

 

I told her I couldn't and wouldn't advise her but I did suggest that she perhaps seek a therapist to help her analyse why she might be feeling this way (not a counsellor or life coach)

This whole experience has taught us a great deal and being able to pass that along to both MLCer's as well as LBSer's is so incredibly valuable. I know, immediately when I talk to someone who has been through this, there is a connection that family and freinds who have not been through this "get".

My husband was seeing a "life coach" and I don't know what she told him...it's quite possible he was told to go after his dreams, it was his time now. There is a train of thought that this is what we are supposed to do. There was a story I read in the last few days, a women who felt that she had to leave her marriage to "find" herself. The idea that marriage is for life is scoffed at, personal "happiness" is often stressed.

And what do I know? I never experienced a need to leave my husband in order to find happiness...I built a life that incorporated my own needs into our marriage and I would have been happier had our marriage continued.

It is always good to read about your observations of your husband's journey as well as your own. Thanks for continuing to share your story.

[Songanddance]

And so it's December .....

Not much to update in that H and I still in separate houses.  I'm getting on very happily with my life and seeing H once or twice a week at most.

But perhaps in the light of so many newbies - a little bit of hope might be helpful.

I'm nearly 11 yrs in with a stay at homer for 9 yrs until I pulled the plug.

H is now well and truly through his crisis.  He has apologised and shown genuine remorse.  He introduces me to people as his wife.  He hates being on his own but understands he needs to grow and become a sensible adult.

He has recently started to ask if there would be any chance of us fully reconciling - now 4 or even three years ago - I would have probably jumped at it. Now though - now I am healed and whole - I am not ready to commit to any form of reconciliation until I believe that he wants it because he is whole and not for me to become his rescuer again.

This is the challenge of being an LBSer is that we become (if we weren't already) fixers/ rescuers and this is something that took me ages and ages to grasp.

You cannot fix your MLCer - You cannot rescue your MLCer.  YOu can only fix yourself and however long that takes - it has to take priority over everything else. 

However last night - I went for a coffee with a man I'm working with at the moment.  We get on well.  However red flags rose when he mentioned that he was divorced from his second wife ...... But that's not why I'm posting this.  It became clear to me that I'm just not keen for anyone else to be part of my life. 
Maybe that's because I still love H enough (maybe I do) or maybe it's because I still need to grow for me and continue to learn to love myself enough for me.

Does H consume my thoughts - Absolutely not. Do I think about him? Yes almost  daily but that's because he was part of my life for so long; it's habit. 

Does he think about me a lot - he says he does. He says that doing what he did was the biggest regret of his life and that his biggest hope is that we would be together again.

I am not going to dash his hopes and neither am I going to inflate them.

SO for newbies - understand this.  You cannot fix or rescue anyone other than yourself. Focus on what really matters and if that means children - then focus on you and the children.

The MLCer will come out of this crisis at some point; whereever you are at that point is unknown. 

Hope if you want to but realise that this is an extra-ordinarily long process for not just your MLCer but you.  One decade on from BD - my life is totally different but it's what I have carved out for myself based on my choices.

You have choices - make sure they're healthy and emotionally whole.

I don't post often or come on here very much at all now.  HS was a huge part of my life for 7/8 years. Now it's not.

My heart goes out to all newbies....breathe, focus on you and take one day at a time and realise that you are worth fixing - not your mariage or your MLCer - just you.  The hardest journey always begins with the first step and one foot after the other.

[mcm64d]

Thank you so much for this!! Exactly what I needed this morning.

[MadLuv]

Great post and if I can add, at least for me….. the MLCer really doesn’t want a rescuer. I have learned where I thought I was helping  I was making things worse. I think my words of helpful wisdom were nails on a chalkboard to my MLCer.  I think they want  to grow up and learn to handle their own issues, even if they dont know it fully.

Thanks again… great post

[mcm64d]

ML,

What were you doing to try to help, if you don't mind me asking? Just curiosity. If you'd prefer not to answer, I more than understand.

[MadLuv]

Mcm- I replied on your page as to not highjack S&D page.