[MadLuv]

Heartbreaking. Even for my grown kids it has been so devastating. To see a father who was so good and now just pretty much gone. I think no matter what age you are never to young or old to miss a parent that wakes up one day and is no longer the same. It’s a death. Like the death of the marriage, family and parent. It’s the worst part of it all. The effects on the family

[Songanddance]

I think the impact upon the children is the worst and it's so hard as the LBS to support them when you can hardly support yourself and the outside world doesn't get it.

What makes me sad is that my 3 have been affected in different ways.  My oldest D has a lovely partner now - a real yin to her yang. They get on so well and started as friends. They're moving into a new house soon which D is buying. It is her choice to buy on her own and her partner can move in. She said the reason that he wasn't going to be on the deeds is because she didn't want to be in the situation where they might split up and she would have to lose the house.  I understand her logic and her partner is ok with that and equally understands where she is coming from. However it's sad that she now thinks that she has to think that way. The magical concept of being with someone for a long time is no longer in her thinking because of what H did. H's actions showed the fragility of relationships. 
S believes now that he won't find anyone who will be able to love him enough and to find someone he would be able to trust.  Second D split up from her child's father a few years ago and now is cautiously casually dating someone but she has no intention of committing because it's "safer " that way.
My children are all adults and all 3 of them now have a reluctance to believe that marriages can last - after all their parents who they believed adored each other couldn't manage it so why should they even think it is possible?  So sad.

H has actually stuck to my request and I have hardly heard much of EA's name and he has also been far more solicitous and helpful. He regularly seeks approval (which I hate because I hate that he might think he has to seek approval - that is so sad) but I keep honest, supportive of his post stroke recovery and I know that the actual parting when we do separate will be very hard on both of us. 

I can only keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep looking forward to a brighter future.

[Songanddance]

I had a long conversation with H yesterday and it seems that an awakening has taken or is taking place.

Reality of our separation is beginning to hit home for him.  That said the basic outline of the conversation was he is full of regret.

He said that he had been a selfish husband who had promised me the earth when we moved here. He failed in his promises choosing instead to spend his money, not on the house as promised but on himself, his purchases of his "toys" (aka boats and planes and OW) leaving me to continue to pay all of the bills and mortgage.  He recognised that he travelled whilst I stayed home, he had fun doing his own thing but at a huge cost and leaving me to bring up the children and that he only played at being a dad. 
He apologised profusely for each thing he did.

He said that he realised now exactly what he had thrown away and that he made some very poor decisions that he cannot make up for.
He also said that he now had to live on his own, learn to cook for himself again, learn to do all the things he would have to do again and to make sure that I never wanted for anything even though we were separated.

I just listened and at the end said " Thank you. I appreciate all that you have said. It's such a pity that we have had to get to this point for you to really understand the sadness of it all. I knew the sadness way back in 2013 and yet I also knew you had to go through this. What I had hoped for was that you would arrive here much sooner and that we had a chance at restoring and rebuilding our marriage. I do thank you though for saying that to me though"

He just nodded and started to cry.

And so I have the words that I needed to hear and I feel sad but I know that we need to separate now because words now need to be followed up with actions. If he truly wants the marriage he will have to do the work and this time do it on his own.

[MomOfSteel]

Wow!  I’m sure that was a long time coming to hear those words.  I also think, at least for me, it would take a lot of courage to state that boundary so clearly. 

[xyzcf]

He just nodded and started to cry.

Thank you Song for sharing. The above struck me, because they are such a mess for such a long time..and they know it.

[9393roo]

Thank you for sharing your story all these years Song.  It sounds like a new story is beginning. 

With a live in MLCer it's very hard to find the space to heal, for both the MLCer and the LBS.  I find that in my situation all the time.   I wonder sometimes if we may end up in the same spot.  Our entire marriage has changed and it is very difficult to reassemble with 2 different people living under the same roof.  I completely understand your reasons for separating.     

And so I have the words that I needed to hear and I feel sad but I know that we need to separate now because words now need to be followed up with actions. If he truly wants the marriage he will have to do the work and this time do it on his own.

Yes and yes.  Words are good to hear but unless followed by actions they really mean nothing. 

I wish you nothing but peace as you go forward on your own.

Roo

[paco12345]

Thank you, Song, for sharing such a powerful experience.
As someone who subscribes to Tara Brach’s notion of “radical compassion” and who holds on the the faith that EVERYONE can be redeemed, I have one question. When you write, “ If he truly wants the marriage he will have to do the work and this time do it on his own,” do you have a somewhat clear idea of what actions or behavior you would like to see? Or is it one of those things where you say “I’lll know it when I see it” ?

[Songanddance]

Thank you, Song, for sharing such a powerful experience.
As someone who subscribes to Tara Brach’s notion of “radical compassion” and who holds on the the faith that EVERYONE can be redeemed, I have one question. When you write, “ If he truly wants the marriage he will have to do the work and this time do it on his own,” do you have a somewhat clear idea of what actions or behavior you would like to see? Or is it one of those things where you say “I’lll know it when I see it” ?

Good question and I think the latter will be the answer. 

What I would like to see is consistency of behaviour which would include him showing me that I do matter. That he can be loyal - that he doesn't need to share his inner thoughts and feelings to another woman (which he does with the EA aka business associate). I need to feel that I can trust him more fully. I hope to see him being more at peace with himself, his situation and his understanding of others.    Consistency will be important.  And that applies to me too. I need to be consistent in my approach to him too.

[MadLuv]

S&D-I hope he proves himself. Sounds like a good start. Thank you for sharing. Will be following!

[Songanddance]

Update

I write this post sitting at my table in my new house.  I moved here nearly 2 weeks ago now.  The move was as traumatic as I had feared but not because of me and H but because I thought I had got things ready for the removal people and they were such a fast army my head was spinning and I found myself becoming so overwhelmed that my S told the removal people to just deal with him as I needed to be away for a short while.

Leaving our lovely marital home of 19 years was not as hard as I thought it would be but I do miss the space. I don't miss the unfinished jobs, the cold walls and the feeling of never getting anything done.  I do miss the fabulous garden.

So I have just about settled in at a basic level; this is not my forever home but it is a good enough stop gap for me to take stock, re- sort my life and find out what and who S&D is all over again.

H has moved into his house too and of course his EA business associate was there to help him. I am going to call her EA from now on.  I popped over to see him last week with the dog because he said he missed seeing her and whilst I was there he continued to behave inappropriately again....he face timed EA's daughter (she's 15!) and EA. I was upstairs trying to find some car documents that H needed for taxman and when I came back down I heard EA say "Oh I could have told you where that was" .  Needless to say I flipped.  H couldn't understand it.  He thought I was being silly and when I told him that I was clearly superfluous to him he told me that I was wrong.  My reply "It's my truth H and I cannot be wrong about that" 

I packed my bag, took the dog and left and since then he has had to text or call me and I have only chosen to reply if necessary.

He just doesn't see it. He's not experiencing life on his own - she's there at the end of the phone or helping him with the business.  He has gone from one rescuer to another. 

Our middle D went to see him at the weekend and she said that she found 2 mugs one with his initial on and one with EA's on. EA's comfy shoes were also on the shoe rack in the hallway.  (H hated shoe racks and never saw the point of them and yet here we are.....a shoe rack with EA's shoes on)   Our GD has the same initial as EA and when my D asked him about the mugs H tried (badly) to pass it off as a mug that GD could use when she was there.  GD is 6 - this is an adult size large coffee mug.....

So I am truly on my own in my own house and I am happy.  I am ok.  I will continue to search for my forever home but I am no longer searching for my forever future with H. Is the door closed - no not yet. 35 years together is hard to slam shut. Could it close - who knows?  It's just not that important to me anymore.