[Reinventing]

Sorry to hear about the newbie as well.

Yes, OW EA is definitely marking her place at your H's (coffee cups, shoes, etc). She wants his business and house. Good thing that you have your own place since he is so susceptible to her.

She is ruthless.

[UrsaMajor]

Yes, OW EA is definitely marking her place at your H's (coffee cups, shoes, etc). She wants his business and house. Good thing that you have your own place since he is so susceptible to her.

She is ruthless.

My thought exactly. She doesn't give a rat's patoot about H, she just wants the gold mine... and he is apparently MORE than willing to hand over the keys to the castle...

Reminds me a bit of the OW my father had... Everything wonderful until he had a massive stroke and was invalid for a couple of years,... then she was NOWHERE to be seen.... but his xW(3) was there by his side the entire time.... the one he D'd for OW<x>....

[MadLuv]

The mugs….come on!!!! Tooooo much. So, the husband is there and leaves her there ? I can’t imagine any husband would be to happy about those mugs and bringing her D into the mug story? Im baffled.

Now the hairdresser. They kind become a untrained therapist for us, so how crazy that then she would have the same thing happen to her. I bet you were one of the first people she wanted to tell and get your opinion and advise from.

It’s a club no one wants to be in , but the club just keeps getting bigger and bigger

[Songanddance]

Now the hairdresser....... I bet you were one of the first people she wanted to tell and get your opinion and advise from.

I actually know her more through doing shows - she only became my hairdresser last year.  That said I wasn't one of the first. Her co partner in the hair salon was the first as she was divorced but instead of respecting my friend's privacy - she told many other people who contacted my friend's H instead of my friend and also told my friend to "kick him to the curb". She said she has already met such judgement from others - she couldn't understand it.

My friend said she was devastated about the lack of trust she could now have in her business partner.  She said that she had been told by many to "take her H for every single penny" (he is very wealthy - very)

She said that she was surprised when I said "I'm not going to offer you comments like that - they're a little unhelpful at this stage. I'm here for you. I'm more interested in helping you deal with the emotional fallout of all this"
I went through the checklist of things MLCers say and do and her H ticked  every box.  She was so shocked and reassured about this.

I did ask though that she get financial advice to which she said that she had already seen a solicitor who had advised freezing all her H's assets but she said that that would mean telling her H and at the moment he was still working from home and was being very nasty to her.  I told her that she would need to make sure all her income was hers and that she had done the right thing seeking guidance.

I just send her texts asking if she's ok and reminding her that I'm here and I will never judge her.

[Treasur]

I imagine that must feel like a tremendous blessing to her, Song, air when she feels like she is drowning. I’m sure all of us would have happily spent our lives without having to know what those shoes feel like, but oh my goodness, it can be a validating lifesaver to be able to offer to others. I suspect though that one might need to have the lens of a few years out from BD and I hope that you are not finding it too triggering for you.

How are things going in your new place? And with your son?

[Songanddance]

Update - Looks like it's been a bit of a moving time for not just me but a few other forum members too..... was that in the stars or moon UM?

Been here a month now and still sorting things out. One of which was paying off any debts and really deciding what to do with the rooms. 
I had chucked out so much stuff before the move and thought that was it but now I look at the unpacked boxes in the loft and think - really?  Do I actually need this stuff?

Moving house made me realise how much stuff we hold onto. Much of it is sentimental, some of it is practical but all of it is stuff we bought/acquired/inherited etc..... 

My marriage with H was stuff too - full of memories both good and bad (if you count BD) - practical, loving for most of the time, enjoyable etc..   What I am keeping are those good memories, the good feelings, the knowledge that we brought up 3 wonderful children, the knowledge that life is precious (aka H's stroke) and the knowledge that no matter what happened we are fallible, flawed human beings and compassion, dignity and integrity will always overcome the cr*p in our lives.

So I am reducing the amount of physical stuff even further. I don't want my children to have to eventually look at it all  and just think "why oh why did she hang onto this"  What I hang onto now will have a purpose, a reason and more importantly it will become part of their history and their own life stories. 

And so I now feel that my new life is beginning and, as I approach a big birthday in a few months and leave this decade behind, I have to choose to live it and whoever wants to come along for the ride is welcome but they have to choose to want to be with me and I have the right to refuse.

Re H - I popped H a quick text asking how he was because the GP has upped his medication. He phoned back. We talked but it was all superficial - me wittering on about the 3rd plumber I'd had to find and him talking about how his car is still in the workshop awaiting repair after 6 weeks because the manufacturers and insurance company can't agree who pays even though the car is technically under warranty etc...... you know the stuff that acquaintances and friends talk about.....

That's it - life as a single is proving interesting and challenging.  It's a new journey and so far I've been able to navigate most of the milestones without too much of a hiccup. Long may it continue!

[Songanddance]

Time for a brief update:

I am sort of enjoying my new house.  Living here though is such a contrast from where we used to live.  We used to have trees, land, a river and fields all around and now it's  a standard detached property right here in the middle of a suburban road. It's nice to be nearer people and it's nice to be nearer town but this is probably not my forever home.  That's ok though. It is considerably cheaper to live here and I am finding it closer to 2 of my 3 teaching posts. So all good really - it's just that feeling of what more is there?

My neighbours are very sweet but the whole close (avenue) is a little bit Stepford wivesish/Truman show.......On Sundays, the men clean the cars with their pressure washers and the women vacuum the cars.  The bins are always brought out roadside together and yes I've seen 4 neighbours all bring their bins out at the same time - acknowledge each other with a sort of Truman style smile and wave......

My children continue to offer their own sweet challenges so life as a mum of 3 adults is certainly not dull.

My time with H is fairly regular - usually a weekly phone call or I will pop over and have a meal with him. (S hates him so much he doesn't want H here at all)
On the H front for those of you interested in a 9 and half yr old MLCer( ) Following on from his stroke (as well living on his own now)  he is actually getting much better physically and much more aware of how he can help his motor skills continue to improve.  He's had the most horrendous time with his car that literally fell apart whilst he was driving  - the manufacturer refuses to acknowledge the metal fatigue report given by a the top metallurgical professor in the uk and the insurance company won't touch or help at all.  So he's bought a little runaround and that has begun to transform him in other good ways. 

As a typical MLCer he prized objects of high value. Now he's discovered that he doesn't need a fancy car to get from A to B. He has found greater freedom driving a small car that he can handle with confidence and he has become increasingly grafteful.

In terms of "Us" well there is no "us" per se but there is a warm friendship that will persist. He is far more tactile than he has been over the last 9 years.  I get a welcome hug and kiss, a hug because he feels like it and a farewell hug and kiss.  It's all very nice; and yet I know it is only what it is - a hug and kiss for his wife of 34 yrs. 
He has become more chatty and more engaged with what is happening. He listens far more than he ever used to and the "mr fix it has disappeared"

He and I get on well - still haven't had the kind of  apology I seek and neither do I anticipate the one thing I desire most - for H and S to reconnect and move towards an understanding of each other.  That I fear may never happen and I don't want S to regret his decision as the MLC circle may turn again down the road for S too.  I don't want his partner or children (should he ever have them) to witness the same level of emotional destruction that we have.
Interestingly S has said he doesn't want a partner or children because he's not mentally healthy or emotionally stable.  S is in fact spiralling down again and every morning I wake up wondering......It's a horrid state to be in.

And so the MLC fallout continues......

However that said, I am grateful. I am grateful for all the things MLC has taught me. I am grateful for the fact that I have learned so much about depression and it's dark paths. I am grateful for the fact that I have discovered I can shoulder the challenges and C**p that comes my way.  I am grateful for the fact that I have my health, my ability to write, shop, laugh, drive etc...... 

My thread title is "final stages of the old and early stages of the new"  I think the old is now well and truly done.  The new is an uphill path but I know the view when I get there will be tremendous.

[Evermore]

I always love your updates Song. Hank you for continuing to share. I’m sad for you about the worries with your son. But so happy that you are in such a great place yourself.

[xyzcf]

Nice update Song.

I also get the hello and goodbye kiss...just that, no hugs though.

Interesting observations about your "community". One thing I find with many of my married friends is that if we are planning to do something, they always say, well let me check with my husband first .... I had a day planned with a friend last week and the plans changed. There are some major problems in her marriage and she immediately said "let me text him re the change in plans" and I looked at her and said "why do you need to tell him?" and it dawned on her that there was no need to "report" in...the change really involved just a different location.

I do love the property and the area I live in (although a 20 year old house has been expensive lately!) so it's good to hear your observations about this new community. When I consider moving back to Canada, I know I will not have this "beauty" surrounding me and would have neighbors much much closer and I am not ready for that yet.

Your son is a big worry for you. I don't have any words of advice and hope that he somehow finds the right "treatment" or "therapy" to help him to heal...you could use one less worry.

I am grateful for the fact that I have discovered I can shoulder the challenges and C**p that comes my way.  I am grateful for the fact that I have my health, my ability to write, shop, laugh, drive etc......

Well said!!!!! Gratitude is very important to our health and well being.

[Slow Fade]

the one thing I desire most - for H and S to reconnect and move towards an understanding of each other.  That I fear may never happen and I don't want S to regret his decision as the MLC circle may turn again down the road for S too.  I don't want his partner or children (should he ever have them) to witness the same level of emotional destruction that we have.
Interestingly S has said he doesn't want a partner or children because he's not mentally healthy or emotionally stable.  S is in fact spiralling down again and every morning I wake up wondering......It's a horrid state to be in.

I totally get this. Even after all of this time and things getting better, S19 still holds his father at arms length. They have a better.....I don't know if relationship is the best word......but at least they interact and we can do things as a family sometimes. S19 has depression and anxiety and still has not been able to muster up the courage and confidence to get a job. He has been suicidal. Some days are better than others. I often wonder how things might have been different if H had not gone down this road.........

((hugs))