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Author Topic: My Story Still breathing and confused

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My Story Still breathing and confused
#70: November 25, 2021, 08:55:18 PM
Hi PAC,

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. Those are my boundaries if my W  ever reconsiders ending our relationship. The signing of the divorce papers doesn’t necessarily mean that I end my stand. In all honesty, I am not sure what I will do after the divorce is finalized.

What I do know is that I have clear boundaries in what I want in the event that my W/XW ever comes out of her crises and wants to reconcile. This is her divorce and I am going to let her be if chooses to D and move on.

I also am leaving the option open in the event she reconsiders.  Just going to work on my life as if she is not coming back but still leaving the door open if she changes her mind.  I will be ok no matter what happens.

Hope this helps clear things up.

HF

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« Last Edit: November 25, 2021, 09:00:17 PM by HeavenlyFocus »
W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

P
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Still breathing and confused
#71: November 26, 2021, 01:37:29 AM
Hi PAC,

Sorry if I wasn’t clear. Those are my boundaries if my W  ever reconsiders ending our relationship. The signing of the divorce papers doesn’t necessarily mean that I end my stand. In all honesty, I am not sure what I will do after the divorce is finalized.

What I do know is that I have clear boundaries in what I want in the event that my W/XW ever comes out of her crises and wants to reconcile. This is her divorce and I am going to let her be if chooses to D and move on.

I also am leaving the option open in the event she reconsiders.  Just going to work on my life as if she is not coming back but still leaving the door open if she changes her mind.  I will be ok no matter what happens.

Hope this helps clear things up.

HF
Understand fully.
You are so much further into this flaming crap sandwich than me.
Best wishes. Sounds like you've got this.
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"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

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Still breathing and confused
#72: November 26, 2021, 07:11:44 PM
So when she walked up to the house, did anyone tell her she wasn't welcome? Ignore her? Leave the room?. Or did everyone just allow it with no mention that she was not welcome and was told so?

Boundaries are important. You can't control her just doing what she wants, but you can control your own actions.

Now, I  changed the locks on the house because he kept sneaking in and taking joint or my things without discussion. Nope, wasn't "legal" in the strictest sense. He would be within his rights to call the cops. But he didn't and I never had to come home to a house with missing items again. They could not arrest me for changing the locks, just force me to give him a key should it have come to that. On the day he came to get his desk a year and a half later, my son called to tell me his dad was coming because xh only told S(then 17). I arrived shortly after xh did and he was VERY upset I was there. Too bad, I was not letting anything else of mine leave the house. (He wasn't even legally entitled to the desk at that point, but I didn't want it). I stacked up what remained of his and told him take it or it's getting trashed. He whined that he didn't have much room on the truck he was renting. Not my issue. Those are boundaries and I enforced them.

If you let your W do whatever she wants with nothing said or done on your side (kids have the same responsibility), you are also enabling her.

Eta: If enabling her is your choice, so be it. Just be aware that is what you are doing. Allowing poor behavior with no consequences. 
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« Last Edit: November 26, 2021, 07:14:31 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

P
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Still breathing and confused
#73: November 26, 2021, 07:27:37 PM
I have put all her stuff outside in a wardrobe so if she does come here it triggers her. Not my intention but a consequence.

I will have to talk to the boys a bit more about my boundaries and hope they respect them.

And she no longer has a key as I took it and her wedding rings away from her on the day she decided to move out.

She took the rings worried I'd flush them down the toilet haha.

And as for your signature.....
If life gives you lemons....you make avgolemono.!!!!❤🇬🇷
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« Last Edit: November 26, 2021, 07:30:45 PM by Pacman »
"Trying to taste green with my elbow ;-)"

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Still breathing and confused
#74: November 27, 2021, 03:38:22 AM
I just finished watching The Kominsky Method on Netflix and that is true unconditional love.

It tugged at my heart strings and as much as I love her the feelings aren't reciprocated.

I'm not sure she will ever understand the situation for what it is or has been or could be.

My s19 and his partner are going through a really tough time mentally and I'm trying to support them even though I am going through the hardest time of my life.

It sucks.
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Still breathing and confused
#75: November 27, 2021, 10:37:57 AM
It never rains, but it pours it seems.

If you and your S19 and partner can all lean in to hold each other up, it benefits all of you. Perhaps helping them can help you.

And mmmmm, avgolemono sounds good!

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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Still breathing and confused
#76: November 28, 2021, 06:16:59 PM
Do you ever get to the point where you say screw this.
Force them to make "real " decisions and suffer the consequences of their decision to have an affair and leave?

But then your brain kicks in and says you are dealing with an alien anyway and it wouldn't make a scrap of difference to them?

How does anyone have the strength to stand for a marriage and the person you love when they are so cold and heartless?
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Re: Still breathing and confused
#77: November 28, 2021, 06:34:54 PM
Do you ever get to the point where you say screw this.
Force them to make "real " decisions and suffer the consequences of their decision to have an affair and leave?

But then your brain kicks in and says you are dealing with an alien anyway and it wouldn't make a scrap of difference to them?

How does anyone have the strength to stand for a marriage and the person you love when they are so cold and heartless?

Just remember that you don't have to make a black and white decision about standing or not. That will come, and the path to make any decision will come along with it. Right now you have a lot going on and just taking each day with an aim toward getting through it and finding your own ground and stability is more than enough responsibility. It's easy to want to look down the road to any potential change or consequences, but it can make the present sometimes feel heavier. Some days, early on, it's just about being able to breathe. Getting a good night's sleep. Eating at least one solid, healthy meal. Trust that time will help you sort it all out when it comes to her and how to sort it all out.
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Still breathing and confused
#78: November 28, 2021, 06:48:05 PM
It's been nearly 5 months since BD and moving out. From what I've read that's not a long time in MLC  but feels like forever to me.

Communication is getting less and less but I'm not reaching out to her and only giving short answers to her questions.

In her last message she asked how i was along with other stuff. I did not answer how i was going just responded to her other questions.
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Still breathing and confused
#79: November 28, 2021, 07:29:49 PM
It's been nearly 5 months since BD and moving out. From what I've read that's not a long time in MLC  but feels like forever to me.

Communication is getting less and less but I'm not reaching out to her and only giving short answers to her questions.

In her last message she asked how i was along with other stuff. I did not answer how i was going just responded to her other questions.

Hi Pac,

Ready2 is right about not having to make any decisions regarding standing or not.   Also with the MLCer, we don't need to force them to do anything.  Ultimately, they are going to do what they are going to do.  My W is the one who is pushing for the D and she ultimately is starting to feel the consequences.

I recently dropped the rope and have completely let go.   I can sense in my W a small change since I have let go.  No more security blanket for her.   Does this mean she will come back, who knows.   All I can do is focus on my healing and find the joy with my kids, friends, and work with my new life.

I found a great thread by Dji76 back in 2015 where  he provided a list of some of the things he has learned.   What I really enjoyed about reading Dji76's journey is how he focused on his own healing.

Here is the thread.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6544.0

As for me, I am still standing for the person my W used to be.   At the same time, I have no desire to be with the person that she is today.   For now I am going to focus on my own healing and will see where life goes.  I am open to all possibilities in my life.

HF 

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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021

 

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