[Pacman]

Previous thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11863.150

I have spent the last 5 months trying to understand that which is not understandable MLC!
It's time to take my focus off her crap, her "journey", her BS,

I'm more educated but also even more confused so time to back off. I have to let her do whatever the hell she wants and I will take my time to respond or deal with crap. Spend some time on me, work with my counselor and spend this Christmas with my sons, their girlfriends and the grandchildren.

Refocus on doing my job to the best I can as I have let my work efforts slip drastically.
Buy a battery and drive the Camaro on winding country roads.
Service the speedboat and take my family to the river. My peaceful place.

The rest of this crap can just go on the backburner and I will deal with it when I'm ready.

[Treasur]

The rest of this crap can just go on the backburner and I will deal with it when I'm ready.

Good call, Pac 
I suspect you will find that, even if there are ups and downs along the way, it will also become easier to see what is your ‘crap’ (and therefore something you can improve) and stuff which is not yours. More like weather....you can’t control if it rains but you can pick up an umbrella or enjoy splashing in puddles 

[marvin4242]

Great plan PacMan. I have been following along and wanted to say you are doing just fine all things considering. It is ok if it takes a bit of time to shift your focus away from the crazy spinning. It is natural for us to want to understand why, its just not understandable. It is natural for us to be angry, because we are stepped on and devalued. It is natural for us to be stuck focusing on our MLCers for a bit, it just takes work and time to shift back to ourselves. It takes time to redirect the flow of water.

So just hang in there, and take it one day, one step at a time. And we are here when you need to vent or share, we understand.

[Kind18]

Best.Update.Ever. 
Go and LIVE (and be sure to tell us all about it!)

[Nas]

Following along, Pac. At five months, we were all as confused as you. Hang in there and keep posting. One day ar a time.

Ps. I had an old Camaro once, back when I was young and reckless. 😂

[xyzcf]

Nice, nice post PacMan!

Refocus on doing my job to the best I can as I have let my work efforts slip drastically.

This is important on many levels. They "destroy" so much of us (but through the destruction we emerge, different but certainly not as broken as we once were). Work is important and so recognizing this is huge..because once an issue is recognized, we can take steps to remedy it.

Buy a battery and drive the Camaro on winding country roads.

  I have a 20 year old Porsche Boxster. It was ours, we delighted in driving it (he loves cars and we always had some type of fun car). For a while, I didn't know if keeping it would be a good idea but indeed it has been. It only has a radio/CD player so I enjoy listening to my music with the top down and driving on some of the world's most beautiful winding roads....Vroom Vroom!

Service the speedboat and take my family to the river. My peaceful place.

Those peaceful places are very very healing. We do not always see it, but there are more positives in our lives than the end of our marriage ( that person is the one who really misses out) They do not need to be large things, but what is better than spending time with our family? And on a river?

The rest of this crap can just go on the backburner and I will deal with it when I'm ready.

So much of "this" we cannot do anything about. Truly, we cannot "fix" it. Accepting that takes a great deal of time as we question all the interactions we have and their "meanings"....marvin often says to stop analyzing any of this and UM calls it trying to taste the color green.

This life is the only one we get. I hate what his crisis did to me but you get to a point (for me it took several years) when you say "no more". That will look different for each of us. I spend time with him and in some ways it is comfortable and in other ways it is bizarre. Somehow, the connection between us is still there....but for others, they choose not to continue any contact.

Bottom line being, this is our life....we get to decide.

Good job PacMan!!!

[Thunder]

Pac that'll be a very good start, but don't expect miracles right away.  It's still pretty early on for you.

At 5 months I was still quite a basket case.  I think you're about where most of us were back then.  But having a plan is a good way to get off the rollercoaster.   

Just do the best you can each day.  If you slip up, don't worry about it, just start again the next day. 
It will get easier as time goes on.

If you need a little support we're always here for you.

Hugs

[MadLuv]

Pacman- good for you! We have all been a yoyo many times on this journey . I am the poster child of thinking I was there and really until yesterday now I realize I am just there now. You will know for sure when you are truly ready to focus on you. It really does take time and many falls and scrapped kneed and getting back up.

[5hilmerton]

Following

[Pacman]

Ok. Please grant me sanity.
I've never been a big person for Christmas or any event as such.
Since earlier this year I have changed my attitude and this will the 1st major one since BD.
DIL's aren't talking so won't come here together.
1 DIL and son moved out last week.

I understand that both have their other families but I was hoping for my sake I could do something with meaning and including my 2 grandchildren.

It would appear that it's not going to happen.

So do I just pack my bags and go away for the day?

I know she is "demanding" to see them all and mutual friends are enabling it because she lives there. Putting on a meal for anyone that turns up. I don't care about that part BUT what do I do for me???